How do I get over the guilt of wanting to be romantically involved with someone other than my husband with dementia?

karentaylor, how about something like this: "Jules, I am so sorry for your situation. How devastating that must be to have that happen to your husband at such a young age. But personally I feel like it would be wrong for you to seek out companionship elsewhere with another man after you took your vows for better for worse and in sickness and in health with your husband. I am sure you must get lonely and miss that closeness but in my book it would be wrong. I wish you the best in your struggles and will pray for you."

I don't know. Maybe someone else could write something better. But I just thought I would provide a caring example.

miz

This is as we all know, is a very difficult decision. May factors come to bear. Religious upbringing, family and friends... thinking and outright condeming talk and pointed remarks directed to you as an aside.

As a pastor ("retired") of an evangelical faith based denomination, this problem has raised it's ugly head on a number occasions through out the course of my ministry.

After much prayer, research, and counsel I found many diverse approaches to sort through.

I concluded, that there is no one " cookie cutter" approach.

Having said all of this, I can only advise you to examine in depth the situation you are in. I am with you 100% regarding a totally unresponsive spouse or partner. Let's face it, people are going to talk and say hurtful things about what ever you do. You need to develop a hard skin and forgive them as they are not living in the moment as you are.

The bottom line, in your case, is that I think you need to cut out time in your caregiving for some personal time. Try to get a family member to fill in for you for an evening or afternoon, even a day. Try getting involved in outside fun groups...bowling, sewing, reading groups at public libraries, girlfriend time over lunch...you get the idea. Down time will help you be invigorated to be a responsible caregiver. Remember, you are not alone!

If you meet someone of interest, don't be afraid to establish a friendship and if it develops in to something bigger proceed with caution letting the relationship develop slowly and build it on a firm foundation.

Above all, if you do it in this fashion, you will minimize the guilt and hurt from other people's remarks. I wish you well...your dedication is admirable. You deserve some joy and happiness in you life.

Karen you have my sympathy with what you are going through. My Mom hasn't known I'm her daughter for many years apart from the occasional lucid minute where there is a flash of recognition and maybe a calling of my name - that is what keeps me going. It must be very difficult to deal with a Mom who becomes angry and tries to physically assault you or your son. I've often thought that in all the variances of Dementia that would be the most difficult thing to deal with and I consider myself lucky that my Mom is very placid and has been for almost all of the last 13yrs since her diagnosis. As a family we lament that this has happened to Mom - the woman who could go back generations and tell us family history and who we were related to. (We live in small community - a village of approx 2,000 people). But, there is nothing we can do but accept it. I'm sure your faith keeps you going. My parents were devout Christians too and I admit I see saw back and forth. There are times when I pray so very hard and really believe that I will see my Dad in the next life. I really really hope so. At other times I have doubts about the whole religion thing. I struggle with my faith but I think that's normal for a lot of people. Our local parish Priest calls to see Mom every few weeks and he and I have had many discussions on life etc. Fr. Crawford advised me that I, in my own way am doing God's work and shouldn't feel guilty about the moments of doubt. That is the human condition. I wish you well. Take of yourself and your family. Annie

Karen, I really did enjoy your last post telling us your story. It helped me to have a little insight into your angry defensive stance here. And please don't get offended by my saying that. It's just my opinion. I only bring it up because I have learned from personal experience that holding in all that anger is so harmful to us physically, mentally and Spiritually. You might want to do a little journal writing on the subject of Anger and figure out why you're holding on to it. Maybe you will find my comments helpful to you as one on their journey in life, maybe not. It's up to you. But know this, and I speak for many others here on this forum that we are all really here to help build one another up, to find an outlet to express our frustrations and grief over caring for the ones we love and it's the right thing to do. We all have our beliefs about what is right or wrong and we all fall short, make mistakes, vent and say things we really don't mean. When we make these mistakes we need to remind each other that they remind us we are human. Pouring guilt on top of guilt is only harming someone more. So even if a person is thinking something that you believe is wrong as a good person show them love by allowing them to be who they are and except them in that moment. We all have the free will to be who we are.

I only wrote this because you asked for someone to answer you and I hope that I've shed a little light for you.

Hi Karen ~
Nice to know what you're dealing with there. Please pop it onto your profile? There are so many dealing with memory loss parents. Sharing really helps.

Cheers ~

No, of course I'm not training my son to someday change my diapers. Kids learn from what we do - they observe our attitudes and actions. They learn to care if they see us care. They learn to do the right thing or the wrong, based on what we do before them. I just want my son to learn from our experiences as caregivers. He helps, too. Umm. . . how is that selfish? I didn't quite understand that.

My mother has lived with me (& hubby & teenaged son) for 16 years. She was a school teacher/businesswoman. Awesome at both. We grew up at the mouth of the Mississippi River & kept an almanac turned to the page of international flags on the coffee table so that as the big cargo ships and tankers passed by (about two blocks away), we could see what country they were from. Now Mom is 90, the oldest living female WWII veteran in the little community in which my family lives. Navy. She's in a behavioral facility (short term I hope) about 30 minutes away. Prior to entering, she was on no medication whatsoever. She had developed a strong dislike for teenage boys, as they can be a little loud and, well, you know. Ok, I'm bragging, but my son is good-looking and popular, and many times his friends are over. I always insist that they be respectful of Mom (we call her Maw Maw) - but I can't expect my son to stop breathing. It's a careful balance, I suppose. One day, not long ago, a kid from the neighborhood was sitting at my piano playing softly - granted he was playing heart & soul over and over, and my Mom - without warning - picked up a ladderback chair (fairly light) and cracked it over his back and called him a "long-legged wart." Of course, he collapsed in laughter. Later, I learned that she had been trying to sword-fight the boys with a real knife from the kitchen. Soon, she was becoming increasingly combative - even with me. She hit me. I called the local physician's referral at the local hospital and told them I knew what programs had been discontinued (senior care), but could they please guide me to some program or facility where my mom could get some help or evaluation. Mom's been in a behavioral facility for about two weeks, and though she has not been physically abusive with others there, she has had a number of verbal altercations. The Rx she's on is being adjusted. Seems there's a fine line between catatonic and just calming her mood. She is slipping away in the sense that she has no short-term memory when it comes to specific details or events, and when she's medicated, well she's just not Mom anymore. Not the vital, active, take-charge woman I knew all my life. I did one of those HGTV room makeovers for her (it took longer than 30 minutes) - a lovely blue & yellow Cape Cod look - she'll love it. Guilt anyone? I feel guilty that my little family is now enjoying some peace, and sleeping all night without Maw Maw turning on the lights asking if it's time to get up at 3:00 am. Now we just wake up automatically at 3 and smile and go back to sleep. Maw Maw living here is the only "normal" my son has ever known. For the first time in 16 years, I am having some time to myself in my home. I cherish solitude. I work out of my home office - now there are no interruptions. I either visit or call Mom everyday. Many times I'm reduced to a basket case. I'll go visit her today. Maybe I'll take a picture album. She'll enjoy that. That's my story. Some of it anyway. You can read the rest in the book I'm writing - I know, every caregiver has a story to tell, a book to write. Hey, it can be therapeutic. K.

Very good advice, wellspouse. :)

Jules;

I have read 30 of the comments so far, it's hard to read them all because only 5 show at a time. I don't know if you know, there is a support group for husbands, wives or partners of people with any chronic illness and/or disability -- Well Spouse Association, wellspouse organizational website .
I note that while many have urged you to get out and do things with your girl friends, and it's easy to do, but still may not be that satisfying. The problem is, unless one of your friends is also a spousal caregiver or is very good at being empathetic, you quickly learn that they inhabit a different universe than you.

I was a spousal caregiver for 29 years, and felt very alone in it, and in the end, I felt most at home with a few of my WSA friends, who had "been there, done that' and so really understood how I felt.

That would include the guilt you speak of. All spousal caregivers have thoughts about the loss of intimacy in their marriage/relationship. And handle it differently... there is no one way. The main thing is that it is normal to have the feelings you describe, and once you know that, whether you act upon them or not, if you know that you are not the only one having them, this lessens the guilt you feel over the way you feel.

Jules - glad to see you here. This is supposed to be a caregiver "SUPPORT" blog. That means you should be able to ask any questions, share any emotions and expect support not criticism and condemnation. Please don't lose faith in this.

I'd love to comment but I cannot get anything posted on this one thread...and you would have gotten good advice and an even better LAUGH.

This woman Jules asked an honest question, many people probably fill this way but doesn't have the BALLS(yes I said BALLS) to openly ask. This is a caregiver site, where we should feel comfort in asking any questions that pertain to how the caregiver feels. And not be cruified if one is honest in asking a question like this. We are human and we are aloud to have feelings.
Jules, never said that she was planning to "whore" herself out. SEX, SEX, SEX is obviously all that you are thinking about. Maybe thats saying alot about you that you need it (sex)more than the rest of us. When did she say she needed a good F***king. She just wants to feel alive, when her life is in stress right now.
If you didn't like the womans question then why post. We all and including yourself answer for what we do in life. Whether its right or wrong.
And so what if a husband and wife decides ahead of time what each others wishes is when it comes to take care of a spouse who is ill.

Okay, heres my opinion. First off, Jules you are living this situation everyday. No one has the right to condemn you to hell for feeling the way you do!! Some spouse caregivers may have or not have these feelings. But everyone is different. Alot of the time the spouse falls into the "caretaker" role and utlimately "forget" that they are a person who has needs too emotionally or physically. Yes, they took vows for "better or worse" but its not about turning your back on your spouse when they need you the most. Its about filling that void that your spouse can no longer provide due to health. Jules, I believe that you do love your husband and that you plan to stand by him. But now you feel the loss of the man you feel in love with romantically. And that is a void you do want filled... I don't blame you. that void doesn't have to be sexual or maybe it does. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT!!!

Some suggested making a "legal" break with husband. If that works for you and makes YOU feel comfortable to allow yourself less guilt of finding outside intimancy. Than Okay!!

Don't let others make you feel that your committing Adultery. DO WHAT YOU KNOW YOUR HUSBAND WOULD WANT!!!!! I guess I am liberal on the subject being that I am only 32yrs old. Taking care of my mom 24/7 has opened my eyes ahead to the future with my husband and I! So, my hubby and I did have the "talk" about if one of us is become terminal. We both now know what each others wishes is in that circumstance. I think every marriage needs to have that sort of talk so when the time comes we know what our other partners wishes are. And we will have no sense of guilt.

There to me is no right or wrong answer. You will have to find the answer for yourself. Only you can make that call. Only you know what you need. Maybe finding outside companionship will help with you taking care of your husband. Giving you less stress and making you more "present" for him when he needs you the most.
My mother used to talk of a man and woman in the church who found companionship with each other due to there spouses suffering same illness. That bond helped them in a way that no one would understand filling that void. When both sick spouses passed they eventually they got married. NO ONE IN THE CHURCH TOLD THEM THEY WAS WRONG!

Make a list of things that you consider intimate to you. Most people see that word and think of sex. But that word is more than that. Find someone or something that makes you feel important and loved in the ways you need. That will help you decide where you stand.

You will find an answer that is best for your situation!
Good Luck!

Jules - are you there?

What is happening to this forum? We are suppose to be supportive! This is a forum for uplifting each other....we can get enough negative stuff other places. I think it is important that this be a safe place to bare one's soul and certainly once we have shared something we don't need someone judging us. Forgive me for speaking out...I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but given the same situation I know that none of us know exactly how we would react. Life is often hard and cruel... and for some people it is hard to be empathetic unless we have had a similar experience. Jules needs love and support. None of us can fix her problem, it is a decision that only she can make and I think she will do what is right for her. Let's be supportive and pray that things will all work out for the highest good of all.
You are a wonderful group and I hope we can get back on track. Love & Blessings~ Bobbi

Very well stated, Christina and may I add, judge not lest ye be judged. Come on Christina, let's go home.

Karen Taylor, May you find peace and a humble spirit. I feel sorry for you. You are blocked in your heart by arrogance and hate. The need to vehemently judge others comes from self-hatred, nothing else.

{{{{{{{{{Ringo}}}}}}}}}} Whoo Hoo!

Too late. Jules has already admitted to feeling guilty. Since when am I an anonymous poster? Morals come from one source, and without that source - what is the point? Morals, by definition, have to have a reference point that does not change with man's whims. What if there were the slightest chance - that by telling Jules that she had nothing to regret, you might be leading her astray - would it be worth it? On the other hand, what if what I say is true, and would point her in the direction of what God has already said is "right," wouldn't that make more sense? By the way, God's Truth is not relative - lest it be not Truth. It's not up to us to try and figure out what truth is -- He's already laid it out for us. All we have to do is abide by it. Pretty simple.
.
But KarenTaylor, I do not possess the magical powers that you do. I do not have the power to lead anyone astray or anywhere else. I do not have the power to bestow guilt on another. I am simply a poster on an internet forum. As are you.

Pretty simple.

I will post no more on this thread; you are too tiresome.

No fire, no brimstone, just casual arrogance....

You said it, Kim!! :))

OMG!! I wandered onto this board quite by mistake. It is hot on here. Too much fire and brimstone!! UGH I am going to zoom out now! My feet are starting to burn!
Jules, get on board with us! You won't regret it. Hugs, Kim

OBMKT.

You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing to feel guilty about. Please don't allow an anonymous poster on an internet forum dictate morals to you.

Take it all with a grain of salt and make the best decisions you can. You have ONE judge and, again, it's not someone on an internet forum.

Wal-mart and cussing? My there is a loaded judgment call. Class issue eh? I thought we were doing religion and morality... I was at Wal-mart yesterday, didn't hear any foul language....must a been an off day...

Oh Miz. You know, we were just speaking about poop on another thread. It's not healthy to keep all that --you know that word-- inside for too long. It starts to rot your brain and you lose your sense of humor, your compassion, your social abilities, and you start to speak down to people, thinking you have a podium attached to the bottom of your feet. The hardest part is the pride that goeth before the fall-- and eventually, a gigantic mess in the bathroom.
Come home, Miz:)

Good people don't judge or look down upon others. I choose to spend my time with good people so goodbye.

Jules, there are caring people here who would love to talk to you. If you want to, please seek us out. I am so sorry for your situation.

jules , dont feel bad ! everybody dreams , thinks , and wishing .
none of us are in ur shoes and if that is what u would like to do then so be it ,
no money , cant afford a sitter how are u going to find lovey dovey ?
i wish you well . if i was in ur shoes i rather be out runnin around with friends its more fun that way . but then again it takes money to run around .
i wish you well ,,,

Jules, life is for living not enduring. Some of the people posting on this thread may be on a higher moral plane and having a strong moral compass is something to be striven for but I think a strong dose of compassion would not go amiss - and is most definitely missing from some of the posts. We have all had times where we think we just cannot do this for another minute but usully geting a break for a few hours helps to put things in perspective. Good luck. Annie

Whoo Hoo, Jules! This is a GOOD thing. Communication is everything. We learn, we grow, we get the truth about ourselves and others out in the open. Everyone has different "triggers", and with all this contention, perhaps someone here will get a clue as to why they are so unhappy. I think YOU already know why you feel the way you do, and you have been so gracious and honest about it, and that is why some of us have joined in to support you on another level.
You don't kick someone when they are down, period. This discussion has evolved to not even being about YOUR problem, so you have absolutely nothing to apologize for.
Now you know who your friends are here, Jules.
Whoo Hoo!!! Love ya, Christina xoxo
ps: 'Im not gonna argue with a madman, just like I'm not gonna argue with a person with dementia. Oh, almost same thing:) Gotta go have reflexology on my poor feet now.