How do I get over the guilt of wanting to be romantically involved with someone other than my husband with dementia?

You are wrong. "Guilt" as used in this context implies a feeling of remorse for being unable to accomplish what is presumably expected. "Right" and "wrong" are not relevant in this case. Consider yourself corrected as per your request, KarenTaylor.

I may have to turn off notifications for this thread. You people are tearing it up!
The way I read the thread was that Jules already wants to be romantically involved with someone other than her husband who is suffering with dementia. She has already had these thoughts/possibly already taken the action and wants help dealing with the guilt. Unfortunately even though we may nitpick and fight with each other we cannot help her deal with guilt, we can only offer advice.
I agree with KarenTaylor regarding the meaning of guilt but I would change it to say -guilt usually implies that someone is contemplating or has already done something that they feel is wrong. If you don't feel like you want or did something wrong, you don't feel guilty.
In any case since she asked for feedback here, she has certainly received it and since she is the one that has to make the decision she has plenty of advice to work with now.

Funny how redefining terms is always self-serving. Of course, "right" and "wrong" are relevant - by the way that request was rhetorical. " . . .remorse for being unable to accomplish what is presumably expected?" Remorse is sorrow for having already done something that one regrets having done. Oh wait, let me guess, you're redefining "remorse," too? While you're at it, why don't you just redefine everything? Jules wants justification. She wants to know that there are people in her camp - for whom standards are relative. She wants to make sure that "right" and "wrong" do not apply in her case, that way her guilt vanishes. It's all relative to the situation, and if "right" is the least bit inconvenient, then let's throw that out, too. I cannot for the life of me understand why traditional wedding vows do not include " . . . for better or until I get a better deal." Or, "I'll honor these vows for as long as it is MY best interest." Heaven forbid that any of us should ever have to sacrifice for the ones we vowed to cherish - nope, spouses are usable commodities to be thrown away, cast aside when they are no longer useful. Incidentally, where is hubby supposed to be while Jules is enjoying her new relationship? With a sitter?

My understanding, my opinion of religion is not talking the talk, but walking the walk and that means accepting others, whether or not you agree with their thoughts, ideas, opinions, race, creed, etc, etc, etc. I take offense to you thinking you are on a "higher plane" or know what "decency" is as opposed to at least some, if not all, of the rest of us. Jules, this will be my last post because I am choosing to "walk on a higher plane". Good luck with your situation.

One last thing. I think the part that's been missed is Jules does not say she is or even wants to be romantically involved in reality. All she's really asking is how does she get over feeling guilty even thinking or fantasizing about being romantically involved. Some of her family have been suggesting she act upon this. Who here can say they have never fantasized of being romantic with someone else - think movie stars in romantic movies, the main character in romance novels. This woman is struggling and the last thing she needs is a human judging her.

Puts me in mind of H.L. Menchen speaking of "the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy".

I hope with all my heart you are able to find some solace and happiness Jules. Goodness knows your asking for some guidance re romance sure stirred up some passions here!

I apoligize for posting such a question and stirring everything up. Never been to this sight before until I posted the question. I have not done anything to feel guilty about. Just thinking it. Feeling bad for thinking the way I do. I thank everyone for their input. Got alot to think about.

Jules, you have nothing to apologize for. Know that with caregiving, comes isolation and lonliness. Some caregivers have their spouses that stay, some have had spouses leave while caregiving for parents. Your spouse is who you are providing care for - the one that should be your go to person. I think Bobbie already invited you over to the Grossed Out thread. You should try it sometime. I know I have found people there who truly understand the struggles that are inherent in caregiving and want to support and care for each other. I feel blessed to have met them and honestly don't know what I would do without them now.

Whoo Hoo, Jules! This is a GOOD thing. Communication is everything. We learn, we grow, we get the truth about ourselves and others out in the open. Everyone has different "triggers", and with all this contention, perhaps someone here will get a clue as to why they are so unhappy. I think YOU already know why you feel the way you do, and you have been so gracious and honest about it, and that is why some of us have joined in to support you on another level.
You don't kick someone when they are down, period. This discussion has evolved to not even being about YOUR problem, so you have absolutely nothing to apologize for.
Now you know who your friends are here, Jules.
Whoo Hoo!!! Love ya, Christina xoxo
ps: 'Im not gonna argue with a madman, just like I'm not gonna argue with a person with dementia. Oh, almost same thing:) Gotta go have reflexology on my poor feet now.

Jules, life is for living not enduring. Some of the people posting on this thread may be on a higher moral plane and having a strong moral compass is something to be striven for but I think a strong dose of compassion would not go amiss - and is most definitely missing from some of the posts. We have all had times where we think we just cannot do this for another minute but usully geting a break for a few hours helps to put things in perspective. Good luck. Annie

jules , dont feel bad ! everybody dreams , thinks , and wishing .
none of us are in ur shoes and if that is what u would like to do then so be it ,
no money , cant afford a sitter how are u going to find lovey dovey ?
i wish you well . if i was in ur shoes i rather be out runnin around with friends its more fun that way . but then again it takes money to run around .
i wish you well ,,,

Good people don't judge or look down upon others. I choose to spend my time with good people so goodbye.

Jules, there are caring people here who would love to talk to you. If you want to, please seek us out. I am so sorry for your situation.

Oh Miz. You know, we were just speaking about poop on another thread. It's not healthy to keep all that --you know that word-- inside for too long. It starts to rot your brain and you lose your sense of humor, your compassion, your social abilities, and you start to speak down to people, thinking you have a podium attached to the bottom of your feet. The hardest part is the pride that goeth before the fall-- and eventually, a gigantic mess in the bathroom.
Come home, Miz:)

Wal-mart and cussing? My there is a loaded judgment call. Class issue eh? I thought we were doing religion and morality... I was at Wal-mart yesterday, didn't hear any foul language....must a been an off day...

You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing to feel guilty about. Please don't allow an anonymous poster on an internet forum dictate morals to you.

Take it all with a grain of salt and make the best decisions you can. You have ONE judge and, again, it's not someone on an internet forum.

OBMKT.

OMG!! I wandered onto this board quite by mistake. It is hot on here. Too much fire and brimstone!! UGH I am going to zoom out now! My feet are starting to burn!
Jules, get on board with us! You won't regret it. Hugs, Kim

You said it, Kim!! :))

No fire, no brimstone, just casual arrogance....

Too late. Jules has already admitted to feeling guilty. Since when am I an anonymous poster? Morals come from one source, and without that source - what is the point? Morals, by definition, have to have a reference point that does not change with man's whims. What if there were the slightest chance - that by telling Jules that she had nothing to regret, you might be leading her astray - would it be worth it? On the other hand, what if what I say is true, and would point her in the direction of what God has already said is "right," wouldn't that make more sense? By the way, God's Truth is not relative - lest it be not Truth. It's not up to us to try and figure out what truth is -- He's already laid it out for us. All we have to do is abide by it. Pretty simple.
.
But KarenTaylor, I do not possess the magical powers that you do. I do not have the power to lead anyone astray or anywhere else. I do not have the power to bestow guilt on another. I am simply a poster on an internet forum. As are you.

Pretty simple.

I will post no more on this thread; you are too tiresome.

{{{{{{{{{Ringo}}}}}}}}}} Whoo Hoo!

Karen Taylor, May you find peace and a humble spirit. I feel sorry for you. You are blocked in your heart by arrogance and hate. The need to vehemently judge others comes from self-hatred, nothing else.

Very well stated, Christina and may I add, judge not lest ye be judged. Come on Christina, let's go home.

What is happening to this forum? We are suppose to be supportive! This is a forum for uplifting each other....we can get enough negative stuff other places. I think it is important that this be a safe place to bare one's soul and certainly once we have shared something we don't need someone judging us. Forgive me for speaking out...I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but given the same situation I know that none of us know exactly how we would react. Life is often hard and cruel... and for some people it is hard to be empathetic unless we have had a similar experience. Jules needs love and support. None of us can fix her problem, it is a decision that only she can make and I think she will do what is right for her. Let's be supportive and pray that things will all work out for the highest good of all.
You are a wonderful group and I hope we can get back on track. Love & Blessings~ Bobbi

Jules - are you there?

Okay, heres my opinion. First off, Jules you are living this situation everyday. No one has the right to condemn you to hell for feeling the way you do!! Some spouse caregivers may have or not have these feelings. But everyone is different. Alot of the time the spouse falls into the "caretaker" role and utlimately "forget" that they are a person who has needs too emotionally or physically. Yes, they took vows for "better or worse" but its not about turning your back on your spouse when they need you the most. Its about filling that void that your spouse can no longer provide due to health. Jules, I believe that you do love your husband and that you plan to stand by him. But now you feel the loss of the man you feel in love with romantically. And that is a void you do want filled... I don't blame you. that void doesn't have to be sexual or maybe it does. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT!!!

Some suggested making a "legal" break with husband. If that works for you and makes YOU feel comfortable to allow yourself less guilt of finding outside intimancy. Than Okay!!

Don't let others make you feel that your committing Adultery. DO WHAT YOU KNOW YOUR HUSBAND WOULD WANT!!!!! I guess I am liberal on the subject being that I am only 32yrs old. Taking care of my mom 24/7 has opened my eyes ahead to the future with my husband and I! So, my hubby and I did have the "talk" about if one of us is become terminal. We both now know what each others wishes is in that circumstance. I think every marriage needs to have that sort of talk so when the time comes we know what our other partners wishes are. And we will have no sense of guilt.

There to me is no right or wrong answer. You will have to find the answer for yourself. Only you can make that call. Only you know what you need. Maybe finding outside companionship will help with you taking care of your husband. Giving you less stress and making you more "present" for him when he needs you the most.
My mother used to talk of a man and woman in the church who found companionship with each other due to there spouses suffering same illness. That bond helped them in a way that no one would understand filling that void. When both sick spouses passed they eventually they got married. NO ONE IN THE CHURCH TOLD THEM THEY WAS WRONG!

Make a list of things that you consider intimate to you. Most people see that word and think of sex. But that word is more than that. Find someone or something that makes you feel important and loved in the ways you need. That will help you decide where you stand.

You will find an answer that is best for your situation!
Good Luck!

This woman Jules asked an honest question, many people probably fill this way but doesn't have the BALLS(yes I said BALLS) to openly ask. This is a caregiver site, where we should feel comfort in asking any questions that pertain to how the caregiver feels. And not be cruified if one is honest in asking a question like this. We are human and we are aloud to have feelings.
Jules, never said that she was planning to "whore" herself out. SEX, SEX, SEX is obviously all that you are thinking about. Maybe thats saying alot about you that you need it (sex)more than the rest of us. When did she say she needed a good F***king. She just wants to feel alive, when her life is in stress right now.
If you didn't like the womans question then why post. We all and including yourself answer for what we do in life. Whether its right or wrong.
And so what if a husband and wife decides ahead of time what each others wishes is when it comes to take care of a spouse who is ill.

I'd love to comment but I cannot get anything posted on this one thread...and you would have gotten good advice and an even better LAUGH.

Jules - glad to see you here. This is supposed to be a caregiver "SUPPORT" blog. That means you should be able to ask any questions, share any emotions and expect support not criticism and condemnation. Please don't lose faith in this.

Jules;

I have read 30 of the comments so far, it's hard to read them all because only 5 show at a time. I don't know if you know, there is a support group for husbands, wives or partners of people with any chronic illness and/or disability -- Well Spouse Association, wellspouse organizational website .
I note that while many have urged you to get out and do things with your girl friends, and it's easy to do, but still may not be that satisfying. The problem is, unless one of your friends is also a spousal caregiver or is very good at being empathetic, you quickly learn that they inhabit a different universe than you.

I was a spousal caregiver for 29 years, and felt very alone in it, and in the end, I felt most at home with a few of my WSA friends, who had "been there, done that' and so really understood how I felt.

That would include the guilt you speak of. All spousal caregivers have thoughts about the loss of intimacy in their marriage/relationship. And handle it differently... there is no one way. The main thing is that it is normal to have the feelings you describe, and once you know that, whether you act upon them or not, if you know that you are not the only one having them, this lessens the guilt you feel over the way you feel.