How do I get over the guilt of wanting to be romantically involved with someone other than my husband with dementia?

Thanks Christina

Hey, on the Boat, we've got your back, Girlfriend. Love you!

Dan did not stand by me and be faithfull. In the 32 years of marriage he has had 6 affairs. The sad part is I can name them. I stayed and this is my reward. Why arn't one of them doing this instead of me? I'm not seeking revenge by no means, and yes I have morals or I would have messed up years ago. I may have been lonely over the years but nothing like I feel now. I can't even argue with him anymore. He may of had affairs but he was still my best friend. Sex is not everything. That is not what I'm looking for. Thanks for your feedback.

Naheaton, I don't like playing russian roulette! That is what happens just going out to find sex. Let me tell you what happened the day I married him. His mother passed away 3 days before our wedding. I wanted to cancel the wedding because we were expecting it. His mother said no that life goes on. He burried his mother in the morning of our wedding and then changed clothes and went to the church and married me. What aggrivates me is when someone and theres been many tell you, You took your vows in front of God. For better for worse. It's my job. Most of them are Divorced. What about the vows they took. They did not honor them. Some people should clean their own houses before starting on someone elses. Does this sound correct?

((((((jules)))))) I do understand. BTDT - he chose to leave and divorce me and did me an enormous favour when he did though it hurt big time, We are friends now though our lives have taken different paths. I think what is happening is that you are grieving the end of your relationship as you knew it because of your husband's disease. That is a very tough thing to go through. Let me encourage you that life can change for the better, though it sounds like you are in a major rough patch right now with finances and your hubby. Prayers for you ♥♥♥ Joan

Jules, you are absolutely correct in your thinking and actions. All your answers are within you. Don't second guess yourself! You honored your commitment, you kept your vows. There are people in this world suffering on some level with guilt and remorse. You have enough to deal with. Find a group of like-minded people and go have some fun. You are a good person:)

I think when I posted the original question it was a very down day. Rough nite with him. I should have phrased it better.

jules - i just had to say something . my mom always said 2 wrongs dont make 1 right , i agree many married and said those vows and doesnt mean crap to them . only person that takes vows seroiusly is cuz they have the lord in thier heart . some left cuz of abuse they were livin it . im sure the lord understand s it .
you say hubby had an affair 6 times . well look where he s at now ! honey two wrongs dont make 1 right .
most men just want to have thier way and bam thank you madam ... then that leaves u feling cheap and wish that never happen . then wonder if u got something ? vd , aids , god knows what eles .
you need a good friend and go out and enjoy ur life and still care for ur hubby . you wont regret it .

Linda, You are absolutely correct. I'm trying to keep my emotions in tow and do what is right. Sometimes I doubt myself on being able to do this when it gets worse. And he will get worse. The way they explained it. His brain will eventually start shutting down his limbs and organs. They said 2 to 10 years. We are going on 4 now. I pray all the time. I'm not real good at it but I try. One Day At A Time!

(((((jules)))) It doesn't mean life is easy. The picture of what you are looking at in your hubby's decline is a tough one. One day at a time for sure and come here and get support. ♥♥♥ Joan

Doing something healthy for your state of mind, as long as it does not hurt anyone else is not an evil thing. Marriage is not this huge sacred thing but rather a commitment between two hopefully compatible caring people. It is not essential that a person give up her sanity just because she is married to an ill person. One does the best one can but emotional suicide is certainly not a virtue.

That said, I am not advocating a complete abandonment of the confused spouse with nary any foresight or compassion. Sometimes it becomes impossible to continue in the same path when it becomes a path of self-destruction. A sane person tries to find healthy alternatives and sometimes that means a radical change.

If each of us based our own behavior on what others do, where would we be? No better than them, that's where. We each are responsible for our own actions REGARDLESS of others' actions. That your husband had affairs in the past should not influence what you do now. Am I one of those persons who should "clean my house?" I'm not divorced, nor will I ever be. And I'm not "starting on your house." Seems you have 2 choices. Leave your husband or stay. Simple as that. And that's the neat thing about RIGHT and WRONG; it's black and white. You don't have to try and "figure things out." Personally, I choose to keep my mother here, and care for her til the end, because she is my mother, she needs me, she took care of me, I love her, AND I'm teaching my son to care for me someday, if it comes down to that. We live in a society where casting off the elderly and infirm is too easy. And I realize that sometimes it's necessary, but our society has made it "the thing to do."

Oh, by the way, your original question was something about getting over the guilt of wanting to seek romance outside your marriage. That's an easy one. You should only feel guilty if you act on it. Just choose not to, and the guilt is a moot point. Guilt will be replaced by a sense of honor - knowing you chose the High Road.

@PCVS - my comment was addressed at jules, the originator of this thread and her comment just before mine. As your post came right after my post, I gather some of it is addressed to me. I have not suggested that everyone share or should share the same beliefs - just supporting jules as she goes through this very difficult situation,

emjo, nope, my post was not directed to you but to those who are judgmental based on a narrow minded set of religious rules that not everyone accepts.

Hey Emjo, nice to see your EYES for a change!! Whoo Hoo!!!
Girls, I think Jules is doing great and I have a feeling that she has gotten helpful, positive feedback. She is a great lady with a special set of circumstances--just like each of us.
I feel badly, however, for those who are over the edge with stress that they come across hateful and desperate. Those whom we would shun are the ones that need us the most. We can offer help, but if it is rejected, we need to move on. Skirting the issue or ignoring the person is not helpful.
I would just like to say to karentaylor, I am sorry for your angst, and I wish you peace in your life. Many people here venting to save their lives, and I hope you are finally able to to that very soon. Please take care and be kind to yourself.

There is a difference between "inconvenient" and "detrimental" and clearly we do not agree on what that difference is. You can make all the promises you want but sometimes any given promise may become impossible to keep.

I don't know what you are looking for, but modern societies are no longer homogeneous even in the definitions of morality.

Jeeze,
Jules, I feel for you big time and I just read this entire thread. Wow.
Sorry you had to hear some of this and I know that I am going to get smacked for this but hey....
find a nice man and become friends and when the time is right hit the hay with him and lay there after and be held. The tears will stream down your cheeks and you will know that you did the right thing even in the face of all of this judgement.

Life is for the living and in one of my favorite movies there's a line:
Get busy livin or get busy dyin.
Shawshank Redemption.

If I was the one drooling and crapping my diapers I could only pray that the one taking care of me was being taken care of herself.

lovbob

Morality, like Truth, must be absolute, lest it not exist at all. It's the very nature and definition of morality to be based upon a standard that is significant. It cannot be here today and gone tomorrow - by its own admission. For a person to appoint him/herself the "definer" of terms that are self-defining is foolish. Just because you say something, doesn't make it so. If morality is not based on a value system that is greater than ourselves, then what is it based on? If the standard is not higher than us, then who is allowed to appoint themselves standard-maker? And what if one standard-maker is in conflict with another? This is philosophical reasoning and as such requires logic and thought.

well said bobbie! Jules, ignore the rhetoric and follow your heart.

Any wonder this one is so hard. "till death do us part" and "in sickness and in health" running up against an illness that literally has you mourning for a loved one who is not yet dead, but certainly not alive either. I hope you can find the right answer for YOU. Peace.

Ok, Socrates. That's pronounced: So-Crates, as stated in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."
You need to start your own thread on the Dogma Channel.
Woof.

ROTFL!!!!!! OMG!!
woof woof!

Dude...

don't.... you'll get me going again.....

The poor woman is lonely, frightened, worn out and confused and she gets moralizing and criticizing, but considering the issue, one wouldn't expect anything else really...? Sex and values and morality...hmm may as well add politics and away we go. And you can't say we are not talking religion after you imply it with: "Where do you think your morality comes from?" Hmm dust?

Jules - I don't generally venture onto other blogs here but several from Grossed have crossed over so I thought I would too. So many people believe that divorce is the easy way out of a marriage. I am divorced and I can attest that it was the hardest thing, short of my daughter being physically abused by a babysitter, that I had to deal with in my life. You chose not to divorce your husband despite his infidelity. He was in earlier times nor is he still the man you thought you married. Life is very short. If you can find, not necessarily even romance, but someone who can SHARE your life with you, more power to you. It took me a long time but I have found that person for me and my only regret is that we didn't find each other sooner.

Ya true that.
Jules, baby, it's going to be ok... and I mean it.
Take what you need and drop the rest. and thanks for that hug a day or so ago. You are a sweetheart and you are in an untenable position. Anyone who tells you differently hasn't walked it all the way to the end.
Get help, get out now and again and get healthy. There's a bunch of us cheering for you. You'll do what you think is right no matter what any of us say and that's pretty much the end of it. We love you sister.
lovbob

karentaylor, you said you are not divorced and never will be?? Never say never. Who goes into marriage thinking it won't last?? Most do not. But sh*t happens.

As for your last sentence, it never ceases to amaze me that there is a particular segment of society, usually seen/heard in the check-out line at WalMart, who honestly believes that everybody uses such language. The people to whom I refer use profanity as though it were acceptable language for all and cannot possibly entertain the notion that for mainstream, decent folks, it is offensive and considered to be sub-standard. Personally, I find it trashy and beneath me. I guess that means I'm narrow-minded. Yes, narrow is the mind that disallows profanity in the home and in the mind -- because I have established higher standards. Yep, that's me. Go figure - there's actually someone for whom decency matters a great deal. Why? Because I choose to walk on a higher plane - as opposed to some who don't even know a higher plane even exists. As for Jules, whom this thread is about in the first place, I think she knows what is and is not the right thing to do. It is evidenced in her own words: guilt. Correct me if I'm wrong - but guilt usually implies that someone is contemplating or has already done something wrong. Jules did not want to know what was right and what was wrong - she already knows that. Jules wanted help "getting over" guilt. Guilt is not something that one "gets over." It's there for a purpose - to remind us of a transgression. The passage of time may alleviate the effects of guilt, but it always has a way of rearing its ugly head. Forgiveness is about the only way to deal with guilt-- that and not engaging in the wrong behavior in the first place. What a novel idea in today's culture of "You go girl, you do anything you want to do because you "deserve" to." How lame.