I think I just need to hear that the way I feel is okay and normal. I had been giving care to my mom for the past several years, not my idea but it just happened-I have a problem saying “no”. Earlier this year she fell several times and is now in assisted living. I have finally been able to just begin to relax and de-stress, knowing she is in good care and I don’t have to provide it. I had toyed with the idea of bringing her to our house for Thanksgiving dinner with my family but she can’t get into my truck very well and transporting her would be a problem. My husband, who she has spurned ever since we were married 49 years ago, said don’t invite her. They are having festivities at the center and let her enjoy that. We need a family thanksgiving to ourselves. When he said that I was flooded with relief and knew this was the right thing to do. Now my mom has begun her usual manipulation and wondering what I am doing for the holidays. I feel angry from all of the times past when I made a wonderful holiday dinner only for her to say at the last minute that she didn’t feel like coming to my house and for me to bring her a plate at her house (and sit with her while she ate)!! I am also feeling guilty for not inviting her. You know, I have been on anti-anxiety meds since last year when her demands just became more than I could handle any more. My husband, son, and I actually moved to a different state from my parents back in 2001 to get away from their insistence that I follow what they want instead of what my husband wants. I could not take it being caught in the middle and I should not have ever been put in a position to choose between my husband and my parents. Of course, after my dad passed in 2011 I brought my mom to live next door to us so she would be near family. What a mistake. Anyway, I have decades of anger built up inside of me from this situation and still I’m compelled to feel obligated to include her in our family holiday, knowing she will make it unbearable. Any suggestions? Am I right or am I a monster?
Adding: you have nothing to feel guilty about for not wanting to bring mom to your house for Thanksgiving or having to see her on Thanksgiving day. But you have to come to that realization for yourself and sometimes the best way to do that is to just allow yourself to feel the guilt but don't act according to said guilt.
Mom has had plenty of Thanksgivings and you have had many Thanksgivings ruined by mom. You shouldn't have to wait until she dies to actually enjoy your life and your family on Thanksgiving day.
Guilt is a self imposed emotion that will keep you stuck.
Your husband and your family are the priorities, certainly not your mother. She has lived her life on her own terms. Personally, I think that you are doing your husband a disservice, he should come first.
There will be plenty for her to do at the facility, let it be, enjoy Holiday, you are entitled to this breathe of fresh air.....finally.
Sending support your way!
What we did when mom was in a NH was we planned a family party at the facility for the Saturday or Sunday before or after the holiday.
This gave mom the ability to see everyone, enjoy the grands and food (we brought in stuff we cooked) and she could go back to her room when she was tired.
My mom was not manipulative. But if someone I was "doing" for made comments to me about how I wasn't doing enough, I'd vore with my feet and stop helping. At all
Your family comes first. That goes without saying.
You've done all you can for mom, and like many on this board, you realize that you overdid it to your detriment and that of your family.
Mom needs to join in at her center and have a great Thanksgiving with the people at her new home. The umbilical cord was cut when you were born, and there's no need to keep reattaching it!
Good luck with Thanksgiving and with your own personal growth.