Guilt and anger over mom in ALC with holidays coming.
I think I just need to hear that the way I feel is okay and normal. I had been giving care to my mom for the past several years, not my idea but it just happened-I have a problem saying “no”. Earlier this year she fell several times and is now in assisted living. I have finally been able to just begin to relax and de-stress, knowing she is in good care and I don’t have to provide it. I had toyed with the idea of bringing her to our house for Thanksgiving dinner with my family but she can’t get into my truck very well and transporting her would be a problem. My husband, who she has spurned ever since we were married 49 years ago, said don’t invite her. They are having festivities at the center and let her enjoy that. We need a family thanksgiving to ourselves. When he said that I was flooded with relief and knew this was the right thing to do. Now my mom has begun her usual manipulation and wondering what I am doing for the holidays. I feel angry from all of the times past when I made a wonderful holiday dinner only for her to say at the last minute that she didn’t feel like coming to my house and for me to bring her a plate at her house (and sit with her while she ate)!! I am also feeling guilty for not inviting her. You know, I have been on anti-anxiety meds since last year when her demands just became more than I could handle any more. My husband, son, and I actually moved to a different state from my parents back in 2001 to get away from their insistence that I follow what they want instead of what my husband wants. I could not take it being caught in the middle and I should not have ever been put in a position to choose between my husband and my parents. Of course, after my dad passed in 2011 I brought my mom to live next door to us so she would be near family. What a mistake. Anyway, I have decades of anger built up inside of me from this situation and still I’m compelled to feel obligated to include her in our family holiday, knowing she will make it unbearable. Any suggestions? Am I right or am I a monster?
You've done all you can for mom, and like many on this board, you realize that you overdid it to your detriment and that of your family.
Mom needs to join in at her center and have a great Thanksgiving with the people at her new home. The umbilical cord was cut when you were born, and there's no need to keep reattaching it!
Good luck with Thanksgiving and with your own personal growth.
What we did when mom was in a NH was we planned a family party at the facility for the Saturday or Sunday before or after the holiday.
This gave mom the ability to see everyone, enjoy the grands and food (we brought in stuff we cooked) and she could go back to her room when she was tired.
My mom was not manipulative. But if someone I was "doing" for made comments to me about how I wasn't doing enough, I'd vore with my feet and stop helping. At all
Your family comes first. That goes without saying.
Guilt is a self imposed emotion that will keep you stuck.
Your husband and your family are the priorities, certainly not your mother. She has lived her life on her own terms. Personally, I think that you are doing your husband a disservice, he should come first.
There will be plenty for her to do at the facility, let it be, enjoy Holiday, you are entitled to this breathe of fresh air.....finally.
Sending support your way!
Adding: you have nothing to feel guilty about for not wanting to bring mom to your house for Thanksgiving or having to see her on Thanksgiving day. But you have to come to that realization for yourself and sometimes the best way to do that is to just allow yourself to feel the guilt but don't act according to said guilt.
Mom has had plenty of Thanksgivings and you have had many Thanksgivings ruined by mom. You shouldn't have to wait until she dies to actually enjoy your life and your family on Thanksgiving day.
I am THRILLED to hear that Mom has now moved to a facility where she can be cared for without ruining your lives.
So let's stick to that.
How about a little honesty: How about laying this holiday thing to rest once and for all? Such as:
"Mom I need to tell you that you won't be coming to our home for holidays. This is the request of my husband, who you consistently spurned throughout your relationship with us. I will be honoring his request because now it is time for MY HUSBAND to be my FIRST CONCERN. I hope you will have a lovely day with the festivities here, and I will see you the day after".
How about THAT? It's honest. It's gentle. It is the truth. And in all honesty it IS TIME FOR YOUR HUSBAND NOW.
Have a happy holiday. You didn't create your Mom's woes. You cannot fix them. And you have a right to a life now with your patient hubby. I am in HIS CORNER in this.
You know, all those times you took the dinner to her, you could have left. It was her choice not to come to your home and enjoy dinner with the family. You could have dropped off the dinner and said "I am going back to be with my family" Maybe if she had to spend a TG eating alone, she would have thought twice next year. Do not play into your Moms manipulations. She is now safe, warm and fed. You do not allow urself to be at her beck and call. If not an emergency, you do it when you can. You don't have to visit everyday or for more than 30 min.
No your not a monster. You a person who has done enough for Mom. Its time for YOU! I find that people who have a parent like Mom that handle them the best are the ones that just smile and handle the parent with humor. "Right Mom, when do you think I can fit that in, I work, then come home to fix a meal, then take Tommy to his game, come home then everyone gets ready for bed" saying all this with a smile on their face. Please have no guilt. And don't allow her to guilt u. Its, "No Mom, sorry, this year its just me and mine"
She won't come to any of our homes, the noise of the gkids makes her insane. BUT she wants to celebrate. Doesn't get that she's not that special!
If I had a dollar for every holiday dinner at my house where DH ran and picked her up (30 minutes each way) and she stayed for maybe an hour and then had a meltdown and had to go home---drove me INSANE. So much work goes into the whole dinner thing--and she ruined it year after year for my DH.
She still gets more than her fair share of attention, but I don't have to deal with it, so that's better for me. DH gets cross about it, but he still fusses her.
I imagine Christmas will be the same. We have our whole family in town (this has NEVER happened in 23 years!!) and I'll be darned if I am going to 'let' DH skip out on precious time with our kids so he can sit in his mom's kitchen and look at her for 2 hours.
It only took me 40 years to figure this out.
He remained in the hospital through the holiday and was upset that we had dinner without him. (They literally could not find ANYTHING wrong with him except a mild UTI that he was already being treated for and believe me they tested). But for whatever reason he could not get out of the bed. (he normally took himself to the bathroom at least). We took him a plate - he wanted us to SPOON FEED him. When we refused he finally picked up the utensils and ate like he hadn't eaten in weeks.
From the hospital he was transported to a rehab because he could NOT get back on his feet in the week he was there. For 2 weeks in rehab he was hoyer lifted into and out of the bed when needed and made zero effort to move his body except to feed himself because no one would do it for him - because everyone was well aware that he COULD and WOULD feed himself. (please note - there was zero physical reason for this - and there were no neurological events). He was just refusing to move. When DH and SIL said that he would have to go to a nursing home if he didn't show any signs of improvement because there was no way we could care for him at home - suddenly he was begging for PT and OT. (you have to realize we are dealing with a narcissist here - so insane stories are par for the course).
By this point we were a week before Christmas. He demanded to be taken home for Christmas. We told him that it was impossible because he had just graduated from the hoyer lift and still needed three people and a lift strap to get out of bed. There was no way he could get into a car and certainly not into his house. So we told him we would bring Christmas to him. It wasn't good enough. He threw a total tantrum. It was UGLY.
So we did our regular family Christmas - and just took him a plate later. If he was going to be sulky and pouty anyway - why would we bend over backwards to bring the entire Christmas to him when he was going to take all of the joy out of it?
Spoiler alert: even though he INSISTED that he could 100% do everything he needed to come home for Christmas - he is in a nursing home now - because he could NOT do what needed to be done to come home. Coming home was unsafe for him. And here we are a year later. So yeah...
We are coming up on the holidays again - and I am waiting for him to start about us taking him out of the nursing home. Again, he is almost 100% bedridden. He cannot even stand up without two CNAs helping him out of bed and complains loud and long about the enforced requirement for him to be in his wheelchair for at least 2 hours each day to avoid pressure sores. Bringing him home in a car - when he hasn't been in one (except in a wheelchair in a transport) in a year and he can't even sit for more than 15 minutes without complaining (and his nursing home is over an hour one way) would be impossible. And there is no where for him to sit, no hospital bed or place for him to comfortably stay for several hours.
Frankly - I still think every time he demands to come home for "just the holiday" is a ploy to escape and not return LOL. I mean how exactly does one force a 300lb man who can barely move back into a car?
Anyway - I say all of that to say this - you should NOT feel guilty for enjoying your holiday. Her ALF will have activities. You can visit at another time. That's our plan . We are going to get yelled at - we already know that. But we are going to get yelled at anyway so we may as well get some joy out of the bargain.
Your anger is justified.
Your choice of spouse IS, WAS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE,
YOUR BUSINESS AND ONLY YOUR BUSINESS.
You have paid your dues 100x100 times over.
Your husband is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about your Thanksgiving, and you and he and your son are richly entitled to it.
You cannot SAFELY transport her and it is not in her best interests for her to leave her ALC.
Your mother can’t “manipulate”you unless you let her. If/when she makes the first negative comment or accusation, look at your watch jump up and say “Look at the TIME! IF I don’t leave RIGHT NOW I’ll be late for my (dentist appointment - meeting with the people at the library-picking up the dry cleaning- you get the idea)”. Give her a hug and kiss on the forehead and immediately LEAVE.
Don’t turn around or respond to her if she howls for you.
You have forgotten that sometimes the most important person for the caretaker IS THE CARETAKER h/h self, and it’s TIME to REMEMBER TO DO THAT.
Only if you want to and are comfortable doing so, take her a piece of pie some time over the weekend, and tell her to enjoy it whenever she eats it.
ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF YOUR COZY RELAXED Thanksgiving. YOU DESRVE IT!
Another way: "You've never enjoyed Thanksgiving before, why are you wanting to go now?" She won't have an answer, or will make up some angle to guilt you. I imagine she'll pull the 'this might be my last Thanksgiving'. Turning it back on her with reminding her prior actions.
LEARN from all those years of your mother ruining holidays and making them unbearable.
Please don't be a martyr. Not only will that ruin your life, but it will ruin the lives of yourself and everyone you love who loves you in turn. Don't do that to your husband (Mazel Tov to you both on 49 years of marriage) and your family that you want to have a Thanksgiving with.
Now listen or should I say read carefully. Everyone the world over has lied to their parents about something or another at some point in their lives.
So here's what you do.
When your mother is hinting about what you're doing for the holiday, you tell her that you're going on vacation. Or that you're not cooking this year but going to someone else's house. She will be none the wiser if no one tells her different.
Do the same thing when it's Christmas and New Year's too if you celebrate those holidays.
You and your family (if you want to) can pick another day to be Thanksgiving or Christmas for your mother.
My mother hints and tries to guilt trip me about not making Christmas for her and the family. Then I remind her that I've been Jewish since 2003.
Just ignore the guilt-tripping and a little white lie to your mother about your holiday plans will hurt no one.
From what I read here, in the USA the last months of the year and the family expectations are bizarrely stressful! Why do it to yourselves?
Tell her you will bring her a plate...on Friday. Just enjoy your holiday.
I had the same sense of 'guilt' that my father had to be included. For many years I did not enjoy holidays because it was too much friggin work to coordinate having him over. My son helped with bringing him there but was not available to bring him home. My daughter helped when she was still in high school but moved a distance away afterwards so could not help me get him back to AL. My husband couldn't assist at Thanksgiving because we had other guests. Then there was the time he didn't feel well at Thanksgiving so I had to leave my guests and take him home...only for him to insist I stay with him awhile. The last year he was with us his ability to handle things in the bathroom was gone so he needed assistance and ALWAYS at the most inconvenient of times. After that last Christmas I decided in my head that I could not longer have him over, it was too much damn work for me. Luckily I didn't have to break it to him as Covid solved that problem.
There is nothing wrong with saying I want to enjoy a holiday for once. Why does it always have to be about their enjoyment (and lets face it, most of the time they don't seem happy no matter what we do)??
I was the one who did all of the holiday cooking year after year. One year I announced that I was going to the beach for thanksgiving! It was one of my favorite thanksgivings that my husband, daughters and I have shared together.
Nothing fell apart when I was gone. My brothers did all of the cooking that year. Mom had a great day. It was absolutely fine that I wasn’t the hostess that year.
I called my mom, siblings/wives, nieces, nephews and cousins on thanksgiving morning to wish them a happy thanksgiving.
Then I resumed enjoying my time at the beach, long walks barefoot in the sand while listening to the surf, looking at seashells. watching the birds fly overhead, eating seafood, relaxing and enjoying every moment of it!
Enjoy your day with your family. Bring her a plate if you feel like it. The facility will be doing their own celebrations for the residents.
I moved my mother next door in 2003 and it soon became obvious that she expected to rule my roost. Along came dementia which magnified the problems. Thanks to a crisis, I got her into care 2.5 years ago. I was at my breaking point.
I know how disrespectful this will sound to the millions who died or were left harmed by COVID-19 and I am sorry. But I appreciated how it gave me an easy out from hosting my mother. (3 kids - 3 schools - such a high risk of exposure) The world didn’t end. In fact she never even mentioned it.
If I were you I’d visit a few days ahead. Maybe mention that you’re excited for her and the centre’s upcoming celebration. Help her pick out an outfit, if that sounds like a “mom” thing. Bring her something fancy or fun to wear for the occasion.
Then leave your guilt behind as you head home to enjoy your own celebration on your own terms.
You are entitled to enjoy your Holidays without manipulation and the stress she adds. And I truly hope that you have a great Thanksgiving and don't fixate on this.
I myself plan to be home which is 3,000 miles from my parents for the Holidays. My parents are both in wheelchairs and it is not possible to transport them to any family gatherings near to them. So I am glad they can be together in the NH for Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is something. I will see them in December near Christmas but will go back home again. This arrangement is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but it is good enough. Sometimes we can only hope for good enough.
Tell her you will bring her a plate the next day . Or you tell her you aren’t cooking this year, you are going to someone else’s house . Or tell her you are going away and won’t be home .
Enjoy your holiday with your husband .
Holidays are always tough because of all the different expectations of the different family members. I’m sorry you have felt caught between them.
Just remember what Thanksgiving is truly about. It’s a time to reflect on the blessings in our life and thank God for watching over us this past year. Let go of the guilt. Honor your mom by seeing her at the ALC with a plate of delicious food whenever it works for your family. Give her a hug and thank her for being your mom. She’s not perfect, but no one is.
You should do whatever you feel you can live with. Some people will destroy themselves with guilt for not being there and others don't think twice, with a thousand things in between. What will work for your heart is what you should do.
You have gone above and beyond for your parents, you have been and are a good daughter, please don't let your moms manipulation make you feel any differently. Whether she acknowledges it or not, she is very blessed by you.
I know how you feel. As it stands, I have a 3 strike rule and you're out!
But I do understand that Mom may feel a little lonely and slighted. So, for your sake and peace of mind, maybe you finally come to the table and speak to her with some honesty tell her you'll visit her at the AL for the holidays. Hard conversations only make for easier understanding in the long run.
You don't need to set your Thanksgiving on fire to keep your mother warm.
You don't need to set your Christmas on fire to keep your mother warm.
You don't need to set your marriage on fire to keep your mother warm.
Get the picture?
Enjoy your Thanksgiving with your husband. You owe him that.
Now, enjoy your Thanksgiving with your hubby and son.
Cover- have you bothered to ask your facility about Thanksgiving? Just complaining and never advocating is not a good look for anyone. I have never seen a facililty that didn't do something for the residents, ask them.
Thank you!
I just looked at the monthly schedule; there is a dinner Wed at 3 probably in the activities room, then a short day on Thanksgiving.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day with your family!
Enjoy all of the festivities.