I think I just need to hear that the way I feel is okay and normal. I had been giving care to my mom for the past several years, not my idea but it just happened-I have a problem saying “no”. Earlier this year she fell several times and is now in assisted living. I have finally been able to just begin to relax and de-stress, knowing she is in good care and I don’t have to provide it. I had toyed with the idea of bringing her to our house for Thanksgiving dinner with my family but she can’t get into my truck very well and transporting her would be a problem. My husband, who she has spurned ever since we were married 49 years ago, said don’t invite her. They are having festivities at the center and let her enjoy that. We need a family thanksgiving to ourselves. When he said that I was flooded with relief and knew this was the right thing to do. Now my mom has begun her usual manipulation and wondering what I am doing for the holidays. I feel angry from all of the times past when I made a wonderful holiday dinner only for her to say at the last minute that she didn’t feel like coming to my house and for me to bring her a plate at her house (and sit with her while she ate)!! I am also feeling guilty for not inviting her. You know, I have been on anti-anxiety meds since last year when her demands just became more than I could handle any more. My husband, son, and I actually moved to a different state from my parents back in 2001 to get away from their insistence that I follow what they want instead of what my husband wants. I could not take it being caught in the middle and I should not have ever been put in a position to choose between my husband and my parents. Of course, after my dad passed in 2011 I brought my mom to live next door to us so she would be near family. What a mistake. Anyway, I have decades of anger built up inside of me from this situation and still I’m compelled to feel obligated to include her in our family holiday, knowing she will make it unbearable. Any suggestions? Am I right or am I a monster?
This year my husband and I are invited to a local Friendsgiving. Christmas will be spent one state over, with family I've wanted to spend Christmas with for decades, but never could. Mom's birthday is four days after Christmas, and by then I'll be at my brother's as my niece and her fiancé are moving to Colorado January 2. I'll see her before and after the holidays. Can't wait to not have to cater to anyone! The one rule I've made clear with my family is NO GIFTS. We will eat, drink, be merry and enjoy each other's company. We are all fortunate to have the means to buy anything we want or need. Takes a huge amount of stress out of the holiday to not have to shop for anything but food with a stop at the liquor store.
Our youngest son and his fiancée are cooking T'giving dinner and generously offered to share it with us in a way that works for all of us. We're most appreciative. They live about 15 minutes away so will drop off the food, visit briefly, then return home to celebrate with their family/guests. That's as it should be. Why would we want to cast a potential pall over the holiday with transport/mobility and possibly other age-related issues?
My elderly MIL who DOES NOT live local uses a cane and falls ALOT . She should use a walker but refuses . She is expecting my husband to pick her up ( 4 hour drive minimum ) ahead of my daughters wedding and drive her back afterwards . She would have to be picked up at a minimum two days before so we could attend rehearsal dinner etc . We are very concerned about dealing with a potential bad fall , she refuses to use a walker or be pushed in a transport chair . I feel she’s not being fair by not using a walker or the wheelchair as asked for the event . After all , isn’t those that need help supposed to compromise ?? We would like to enjoy our daughters wedding !!!
But of course my MIL makes it about her “ only chance to see a granddaughter get married “. She also refuses to fly saying it’s too difficult to navigate the airport and plan for all that entails with luggage etc . She refuses to hire car service to get to the airport either . It’s easier FOR HER to be picked up by my husband and driven back home . And she thinks she’s entitled to this door to door service from her son ( my husband ) . She believes we are obligated to go through hoops to get her to the wedding . For us it will be a string of very stressful days . I can’t believe her selfishness . She doesn’t care how much work it will be for us to be babysitting her , we will have to also make sure she is fed all those days . She thinks we have to do things her way .
I already know if my children have children , I will be very elderly by the time any grandchildren got married and I would decline an invitation and be content to see photographs .
I totally understand your MIL's reluctance to attempt navigating a busy, crowded airport on her own--but the consequence of that is, as has been suggested, stay put at home and enjoy the wedding photographs after the fact. IMO, we old people must try to adapt. It is what it is.
Your situation is very different. You will be only 15 minutes away from your own home . That is a lot different than the long car travels ( 8 hour round trip twice to pick up and bring her back, that’s 2 days just driving ) and multiple days of hosting this woman . And I’m assuming you will be as cooperative as you can be. My MIL in contrast is uncooperative all the time . I’m sure your son wants his parents there . I hope you are able to go and enjoy it .
Needing extra accommodations are not the problem . Refusing to accept needed extra accommodations like my in laws do is the problem . Refusing to use a walker or wheelchair as needed or hiring an aide to come along if needed is the problem. My in laws pretend they don’t need help . Like I said you are a cooperative person . People like you are the ones that get invited and included to family events .