Guidance on how to deal with situation?

I would be honest. For ex. Mom my husband and want to have time for ourselves in our home alone. I will help you at your house when it is needed.

At some point, honey, you two are going to need to learn how to say "no, I cant do that". It's hard. Especially when you've been groomed never to disappoint.

I was lucky that I grew up with a mom who usually said yes and then resented what she had volunteered to do ( or been guilted into). She finally started saying "no" when she saw that it was destroying our childhoods and my dads happiness. So, I'm grateful that I learned that I would survive a parent's disappointment, anger, rage.

Next time she hints, get the conversation out in the open. Don't beat around the bush. Say, "no mom, we cant do that". And mean it.

You are afraid of hurting other people, but wind up hurting YOURSELF in the process of agreeing to do things you don't want to do! That's the bottom line. Many years ago when my mother heard the cost of assisted living, she said, "Oh, for that ridiculous cost, dad and I will just move in with YOU and pay you some rent." Right then & there I said NO, that just doesn't work for me mother. Period. End of of discussion. When the time came, I had them both placed in Assisted Living in 2014 after dad fell and broke his hip. He passed away in 2015 and mother is still in Assisted Living, but now in the Memory Care wing. Her money will run out in about 18 months and I'll have to apply for Medicaid to get her into Skilled Nursing if she's still alive (she'll be 93 in Jan).

Having elders living in my home just does not work for me, in any way, shape or form. I lived the horror story of having my grandmother living with us when I was a kid. It not only ruined MY childhood, but my mother's sanity, my parent's marriage, and life in general for all involved (not to mention my poor grandmother's quality of life). Taking someone in out of guilt or obligation never turns out well.

Help your folks figure out how to maintain their OWN lives without ruining yours. That's the best gift you can give EVERYONE.

Best of luck

One of our wisest women has an expression. It goes like this: "I am so sorry, but that's just not an option." As long as it is HINTing, ignore it to save yourself the snapback of "I never SAID we want to live with you!" When it is said flat out, use the above. And then say "Let's explore other options. I would advise against having them come to live with you. You owe your time and energy to your own primary family. And you can help them all you are able, but the live in is just not an option. Not all things can be fixed. There are limitations to what anyone can do. You understand you would be wrong to do this. Listen to your own wise guidance.

You already know it won't work. Tell mom that but assure her you will help her find assisted living.

Why do people go into a situation - not wanting to go in & knowing it will be a train wreck? Don't be one of the people seeing the headlights coming but didn't step off the track.

You deserve to do what works for you. (lather, rinse, repeat as many times as you need)

Next time she "hints" quip back something like "Oh, mom, you're such a kidder." If she isn't kidding, she should come right out and ask you. Dropping hints doesn't work. It's stressing you out. And it's certainly not a strategy to dealing with life's hardships.

Stop listening to her complaints. When she starts complaining, ask her "Mom, what do you want to do about it?" There's a whole philosophy about complaining that says complaining only makes things WORSE because it prevents positive actions from being taken.

I am figuring Mom must be close to 80. How was she allowed to adopt? And who is suppose to care for him when they can't? Did u care for husbands parents in ur home? If not, then that will help. Mom can't use that against u.

Next time she says it, just say, "sorry Mom its not going to happen". I will help when I can. If you need more help, you may have to hire someone to clean and help with SD. Having parents move in is one thing but bringing a 15 yr old? I would also tell her that you no longer will put up with her putting ur DH down. The next time she does, you will go home and she will get no help. BOUNDRIES, set them now. You are entitled to do what u want when u want. There r horror stories about people moving a parent/s in. Just imagine if she puts your husband down in his own house. Add to that a person suffering from Dementia, that u never know what they will do and a 15 yr old being raised by people old enough to be great grand parents. Don't doo it.

Actually, the 15 yr old should be taught to do things for himself if he isn't doing it already. Make and strip his bed. Keep room fairly tidy. Wash his own clothes and bedding. If he has a bath to himself, he can clean it himself. He can help with meal cleanup.

If they have money Mom can use it to hire an aide to help with SD. Cleaning lady once a month to do the deep cleaning. Swiffer products are great for a quick dusting. Their dry mop does great on vinyl, hard, and Laminated flooring. If they fit the criteria, they maybe able to get help from Office of Aging or Medicaid for SD care.

SD will get worse. He may need LTC eventually. In that instance, Mom would be the Community Spouse. Assets will be split with her staying in the home and she will have a car. She will be able to pay bills.

" i can't move them in because she doesn't want to do it anymore..." From that sentence I am getting that your relationship with Mom has never been great. So, you definately don't want to move them in. I have always said, two adult women cannot live in the same house especially when one of them owns it. I would never had wanted my MIL living with me. She would have tried to get her way. My house, my way.

Great info thank you....my mom is almost 70 and stepdad 76... I'd be on here for years if I went into relationships....lol
Everything u said I have thought on multiple occasions....
Inlaws were in my home but taken care of by husband and his siblings
I was twenty three and pregnant....
Mom has her own health issues....
Mom doesn't talk bad about husband she adores him...As everyone does...had to go back and read....she complains about stepdad...
Its a mess but u guys have opened my eyes to adulting and I'll just have to speak my truth to her....
Thank u

If your parents are that age, I am guessing you are in your late 40 or early 50s or so.. and the 15 yo son is an issue for me. I had enough trouble with DD at her teenage years.. I have no urge to start that over at my age! ( although she is a delite now) A fil with dementia and a 15 yo would bring me to my knees. And you and hubs have been CG since your 20s?? It is time for you and hubs to have some time!

It sounds like this isn’t what you want. If you wanted this, you would be asking us how to convince your husband, instead of seeking reassurance that it’s okay that your husband doesn’t want this. It’s okay! Most people don’t even consider this! Live your life!

The responsibility of caretaking for elderly continues to increase to a level of nearly impossible (at the end). That responsibility should not be undertaken unless everyone is 100% on board.

You might consider offering a home to the 15 year old if your mother wants to move to an AL with your step-father or maybe even if she continues in-home care for her husband. It's still care giving, but the responsibility is a lot different than for an elder. You and your husband have no absolutely obligation to do this. Maybe one of those siblings you two have helped in the past could pay it forward and provide a good home for this young man.

If your mother is exhausted, which would not be surprising and is how I'd put it rather than "doesn't want to do it any more," then it's time to look at the situation and see what options the family has.

But the option "you all move in with me and my husband" does not even have to be on the list. Why is it the only one that occurs to her and (with sinking heart) to you?

Before promising mom anything, have long talks with your husband. Decide together what kind of care - if any - you wish to offer this part of your family. I understand the stretching resources to make it "work" - time, finances, trying to prioritize your marriage while caring for others. You both need to decide on what you can do and what is too difficult to accomplish.

After you and hubby have agreed on the assistance you can give, plan on have a long heart to heart talk with mom. It would be better if the teen son could mind his dad while you talk to her alone. Ask her what kinds of assistance she needs with her family. Outline what you and your spouse have agreed to do for assistance. Since she sounds competent, direct her to other resources to fill in the gaps. She is responsible for her family's care... not you.

It is commendable that you and your hubby have helped so many people in the past. Bravo! Brava! However, that doesn't mean there must be an encore.

My mom EXPECTS me to take care of her, I’ll help out but I’ll never move her in with us, my husband would never have it either. I wouldn’t even think of asking my son if I could move in with him. Some parents (like my mother) just have children so they can depend on them when they’re old. I’m like you I step up when needed but I draw the line on moving in. I already told my son if I ever get to the point that I need care go ahead and move me to an assisted living facility—- just please come and visit me! You shouldn’t burden your children unless they welcome it.

My son and daughter in law (no children at home) built a huge four bedroom house so if her parents had to move in due to illness they could. I had a talk with my son about moving in with them and paying them the rent I was dishing out on my apartment already. My rent was going to go way up and I knew I was going to have to move. My daughter in law works horrible hours and the two of them have little time alone. Like maybe four hours a day. The last thing I want is to come between my son and my daughter in law. She and I aren't that close but only because we really don't get a lot of time together when I visit. (they are in Wisconsin, I'm in Ohio). I had planned on just living in the basement which is set up like a den and bedroom with bath) and giving them space. I finally asked my son right out if it was going to cause problems. A real hart to heart. He was honest with me that it wasn't a great idea and I accepted that. No hurt feelings on my part but kind of scary knowing it wasn't an option. Meanwhile I was trying to move into a senior apartment building in Akron but it was hard getting an apartment the same time my lease was up on the old apartment. I suggested I just put my stuff into storage and "visit" with them until an apartment opened up. Then I would take my stuff out of storage and then move back to Akron. My son offered to pay up to thee months of rent on the new apartment if it became available before the lease was up. Worked out great. I got the apartment with them just paying two months rent. I don't think my daughter in law was happy about it but when he pointed out all they do for her parents she backed off. I had another talk with my son about the fact I DID NOT want them fighting because of me. The point I'm trying to make, you have to be open and honest about the situation. I refuse to have hurt feelings and enjoy my independence. I still get to visit once or twice a year up to three weeks each time. And instead of having a hissy fit I end up on good terms with my daughter in law and her parents (who live right down the street from them). Honest and open communication.... every time.

The next hint ask her straight forward “what’s your plan?”. She had to have one at some point to adopt. Don’t offer to help her say it out loud, hear it.

Followup with let’s talk through some options(your home isn’t one of them).
Go from the point of making it real in her own mind first.

My mom likes to make me search for solutions without verbalizing her ownership/ situation. I run in to fix then She says she never ASKED me to. Your mom sounds a little like that. Start with her.

Her attitude to your hubby will get worse if she's in your home so you are wise not to get into that situation at all - if she out right says she would like to come to your place then say that as she really doesn't seem to like your hubby all that much, given that she always has negative things to say about him, then it is a 'no go' - she will be hoisted on her own pettard

My mom is in pretty good health, Step-dad has COPD (advanced) and she, like yours, drops hints about moving in (we do have a big house, and handicap accessible shower with a seat, on paper it would be a great solution).

It will not happen. She and hubby don't get along super - they are ok for a thanksgiving dinner, or some outing -- but couldn't live together and I'd be soooooo squeezed in the middle. Plus, she and I can be like oil and water some days -- so I"m sure it would be awful.

So, they have just updated their legal docs (POA etc.) and will be giving us a copy. At that point, I'm going to have a discussion and be honest, that moving in with us will not be an option. Ask if she has given thought to other arrangements - knowing that it is likely several years off, and we have plenty of time to plan. I'm sure she's 50% joking when she makes those comments, but I need to make it clear now, that it will not be a possibility.

I'm afraid that's the same route you will have to take - a quiet conversation as others have said, letting them know your house is not an option, and helping them create a plan and a backup plan. Best of luck, I know quite well how hard those conversations are going to be!!

For what it's worth, when I moved to Mississippi in 1988, my father told me that he was not going to live long and he was planning to move in with us.

I told him, Pop, you have too long to live to live with me. Mom passed in 2004 and Pop passed in 2011. They were 64 & 65 when I moved here. Mom was 82 when she passed and Pop was 89 when he passed.

I believe by being on their own, they lived longer! He was 81 when Mom passed and he stayed in his house for about 3 years before I felt the need to move him into a trailer on my property - and he lived another 4.5 years after that.

Independence is invaluable. I assisted my dad for the full 7.5 years after Mom passed - but he enjoyed his independence to the max.

Good Luck to you.

Don’t do it

She must have had a plan if she's adopted a 15 year old. Ask her what her plan is. And NOT with you.

Speaking from experience, I would never ever again take in someone with dementia no matter how early it has been diagnosed. Better to enter permanent care while they still have a personal choice of facilities and have the opportunity to become accustomed to the new environment before dementia is advanced. Mind you, they may never fully accept the new paradygm no matter the stage of dementia, but that is another subject. I don't know what the situation in the US is, but in Australia a patient can pay a large bond and gain access to permanent care, or if they have no funds then the government will pay for basic level entry. There is always the Respite option of ''try before you buy'' to let the patient experience a facility from the inside. Obviously your mother is having trouble coping with your step-father. This is not your problem! She took on the responsibility of a child when she adopted a child. That is also her problem, not yours. I would be suggesting to her she find a facility for your step-father, then find accommodation nearby for herself and her adopted son. Tough love, especially for an adopted child, but this is a case of self-preservation. Dementia is a whole world of pain for victim and family, it never improves, it only gets worse.

Oh, dear. Maybe your mom is playing to your sense of sentiment and obligation. She and her husband may not be able to move to a senior living facility with a 15 year old son! You might have to help her arrange some in-home help. Don't let guilt persuade you to move the 3 of them into your home. You have to tell her that living with you is not an option but that you will help her interview for help or explore other living situations. If your stepdad needs more care than she can manage, he might have to be moved to a facility while your mother continues to take care of the son.

It is SAD when they Pull on your Heart Strings and many other Things. However, Do NOT be an Enabler to take on anything you cannot Deal with. Make it Clear, Dear, To HER that you VCannot and the Best from the Rest of wha tis Best for them is a Long Term Assisted Living or Facility of Nursing Care. Or Hire someone There.xx

Your Mum is probably scared (h377 I would be!).

Her future is now so uncertain. What will happen? How fast will he decline? How to cope? Living with you probably sounds more secure & less scary but the reality is dementia IS unknown & scary - wherever they live.

You could reassure her that you will be there for her along this journey.

Some councelling through a dementia organisation may be of great help. Provide support, information, someone else to open up to, to explore options. Not everyone will be able to care for a person with dementia.

A friend of mine's father was placed into care early as advised by their Doctor. While it would have been nicer for him to stay at home longer, this was the best solution to meet the whole family's needs: 2 teenagers still left to raise - Mother now like a single parent & financially had to return to work. Just couldn't provide supervision the Father needed.

Your stepfather has a disease that robs his family of the man he was. Unfortunately mom really needs to look into a memory care facility for him before it's too late to undo any emotional damage to their adoptive son. I don't know your brother's background or if he was adopted as an infant or an older child who has already experienced more than a child should. Counseling for both of them would be a step in the right direction. Yes a 15 year old should know how to do basic chores around the house, keep their room clean, clean up the bathroom after using it, how to do a load of laundry, etc. These life skills will serve him well as he gets older and hopefully goes to college. On the other side of the coin he is 15, and his job is to go to school, get good grades, hopefully be involved in extracurricular activities, and hang out with friends, this is still his childhood. Mom needs to realize that she can not continue to do all of this on her own and that you and your husband are not the answer. The amount of stress it would create for everyone involved would be astronomical. Once stepfather is settled in a facility she will be able to visit without the daily caregiver stress heaped upon her head, she will be able to be there physically and emotionally for her son instead of overworked, stressed, and completely drained. Talking to her about what provisions they have made for this young man is very important. Making sure he has the security of knowledge that his wellbeing is secure in the event something happens to mom. Maybe contact senior services or your local hospital may have someone you can speak to about facilities in the area. Check the ratings out on line. Armed with the information, share with mom and see if she would want you to visit her top choices with her. It may be she doesn't know where to start. Sounds like she's burned out and stepdad is getting to be a bigger handful as this ugly disease progresses. Good luck and keep us posted. PS his school counselor may also have some really good resources and ideas too to help alleviate the situation.