Grieving; How do you start over?

Hello Lil. I am very saddened to learn Your dear Mother passed away this week, Rest in Peace.
Believe me I know how tough and emotional Your Journey has been with Your Mom because I was on that same voyage with my own Mother, Bless Her Soul. Give yourself time to grieve and to heal before planning for Your future and getting back into the work force again as You need to take time out for You and allow yourself to grieve. Remember
You are not starting over at 58 years of age but rather turning a page and beginning the next chapter in Your Life. Take little steps and when You are ready choose a job that You would really enjoy. I am 58 years too and Mom passed away in June 2016, RIP. Beginning again was not easy because I chose not to go back working at my plumbing & heating business as a Self employed but rather I am now driving Special Needs Children to School in the mornings for a local Taxi Company and collecting these beautiful Children in the evenings and bring them home to their Parents. It's five four hour days and I am delighted with my new Life.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I, too, just lost my mom. I find I just walk circles around my house wondering what I should be doing now. I started volunteering at our local elementary school with 1st graders. It helps as I feel I am giving them the attention and help they need as well as the teachers. Maybe look at the local elder assistance center near you. I have found so many lonely elderly ladies that just need some conversation and attention. It’s a win - win. It’s a rollercoaster and take one day at a time. As far as financial assistance for you, check out benefits.gov (maybe different in your state) for what options are available for you. Also, get connection with a grief group locally. It’s a great help. Don’t go this alone. It will be ok. It sounds like you did a great job for your mom and she would want you to do the same for yourself now.

Lil1234. You did one of the hardest jobs out there! The part you said about being glad you took care of your mom was exactly how I felt when my dad passed. I’m also about your age and the thought of starting over is daunting. If you are able to do without an income for a bit, I’d suggest you give yourself some time to just decompress before attempting to job hunt. With the skills you learned, if you wanted to be a pro caregiver, the demand is high. You can put an ad offering private care giving respite or search for ads. You can specify how much and how often you wish to work. It’s a way to earn some money while you regroup and it puts your skills to use and allows you to get some references and letters of rec. for any future employment. It also gets you “ out there” to network with others who may have leads for future jobs such as personal assistant, receptionist, activities coordinator, server, elder companion, errand runner, doctor appointment escort. Bottom line is, when you are ready, you will get “ something” as far as work goes and you are free to use any of it as a stepping stone to your next job. Good luck to you! Do what you need to and if no “real” employer sees your value yet, don’t underestimate what you can do even if you are unsure of what it is at this point. Start with anything that you initiate and be open to where it leads you. Bless you for your dedication and strength.

I am very sorry for your loss - I imagine you feel empty right now and rather aimless.

Just the thought of having to find a job terrified me and still does. I pray you figure what to do and that your transition will not be too difficult.

Huggers to you,
linda

So sorry for your loss. You've come to the right place as we support each other. Try not to look at the big picture, but take baby steps. You can do it.

Im so sorry lil. Im walking in your shoes right now too. My mom died september 6th of this year. Im going to be 57 next week. I feel like ive been through a battle. And although i have my job to get back to i still feel so lost. I dread going back. I feel as though im not the same person i was when i chose to do this. I still have my dad but he is so sick. Kidney failure. So my days are filled with dialysis for now. Going back to work at the end of october. Stay strong lil, and know that i understand completely how you are feeling. Youll find your way. We always do. Be safe and take care. Deb

Lil, I'm so very sorry... My Mom lived with me for 20 years, and I lost her last November 13... I, too, had to take care of her (even when she ended up in a nursing home...) for 2 1/2 years, and agree it was really hard - I've used the term emotional roller coaster pretty often! And then suddenly - they're gone, and it's like you've been fired from your "job"! Finding another "formal" job might be tough, but you are young enough and obviously bright enough to accomplish that!

Take some time to simply grieve and absorb the fact she's gone, then find ways and things to re-invent your life... (I still have trouble realizing she's really gone...) I've been working on my weight (I gained about 40 lbs. in the 2 1/2 years...) and have lost 47 lbs. since February 13. (I go to WW every week, but do my own "diet" plan, just trying to be mindful and sensible.)

I've joined a group of women - a range of ages and marital status, etc. - in a "Meetup" group. If you don't know what "Meetup" is, just Google it and you'll find a lot of options for meeting other, new and likeminded people. It's a great way to expand your circle of friends, and get together for whatever activities you are interested in... no pressure, nice people, opportunity to discover new interests or get back to those you've neglected.

I think most of all, you just need to be kind to yourself and realize/adjust to the fact that now is your time - you've nothing to feel guilty about - and make the most of "now". Good luck and take care!
Ilona

This may seem strange, but why not seek employment related to caregiver duties. You have loads of experience. You say it was the hardest thing you have ever done, but working with others would not be personal and you would be doing your work from a different perspective...not as stressful. Just something to think about...

Dear LIL,
I’d suggest you gave yourself a moment to just be, feel, REST and breath! Days of just walking around, with no rush, trying to find some sense of peacefulness within yourself. As a caregiver something I miss is to own my time, for example just go to the supermarket not feeling that I’m running against time because I’ve to go back. I know perfectly well that ironically when we lose the reason why we need to go back, the person we love and will always love, we feel empty and lost, but give yourself the opportunity to release your life from pressure, like I said, breath!

And don’t forget that although now it seems impossible, time does make a significant difference when it comes to pain, heart pain that is. Remember that as caregivers we don’t only lose a person we love, but basically our reason for living! Since almost our entire life revolves around them. Give yourself the opportunity to heal from what will probably be the biggest change in your life, then you can go back to the sketching board and figure out what you’d like to do. Age is nothing! A friend of mine recently retired, she is 65, a year later she decided to try to work in a field she always loved: teaching. Started as a teacher assistant and two months into it became a full time teacher, and very happy.

Dont let your age intimidate you! It is your disposition and attitude what matter! That’s why I think you need to let yourself heal a little so that you can get your disposition and attitude back in shape! It will happen, believe me and believe in yourself.

And thanks for calling us angels! I agree that who comes here receives great help, but also develops this wonderful need to help others, so we do become each others angels. This is the great miracle Agingcare facilitates, the miracle of love, understanding, compassion and support.

May God bless you and help you find the hope and light you need to get through this difficult time!

I send my heartfelt condolences and wishes for ease of your pain as you not only mourn the loss of your mother, but transition into a new life going forward.
You've gotten some sage words of advice here, and I agree that you need some time before you dive into anything... You need to recalibrate your life. Yes, breathe, and take time to clear your physical, mental and emotional space(s) so that you can determine your next step.
Moving away from a job that has been 24/7 to anything else is an adjustment. Even though you may feel a financial strain right now, trust that you will absolutely be able to figure out what you can and will be able to do once the activity, chaos, and challenges that always come when someone we love and care fo passes away. (and we breathe)
Reach out for support from your inner circle and be patient with yourself. You do need some time to figure out the best next step for you.
Wishing you loving memories as you move forward...

There's so much wisdom in this forum. We are so fortunate to have the benefit of each other's experience. I'm going to take a different approach and draw your attention to the complexity of grief, the isolation of caregiving, and the fear of change.

Grief is not just about the feeling of loss, sadness and the unrelenting missing of someone. It has complexity and nuance. It also has some unfortunate neighbors than can include depression, guilt, regret, self-recrimination, relief, fear of the future, and so on. Which ones we visit is unique to our personalities but it will help you to know which sub-currents are at work, The advice to pause and breathe would be so helpful to you to be able to gain clarity on all of the emotions at play. You are understandably adrift right now. Walk, talk, journal, sleep, or do whatever slows your mind down.

Caregiving is a notoriously isolating and lonely pursuit for many. It sometimes separates us from a support network that might provide us with a listening presence, hands-on assistance, or a needed respite. Our bodies are not meant to live in overwhelm and a sea of stress hormones but many of us have become habituated to it for lack of alternatives. When our caregiver job comes to a close, independent of our sad emotions, we are still dealing with habituated behavior that has no realistic outlet, yet. I like the suggestions that you begin to enlarge your network through social, spiritual, and recreational avenues that address your habit of being on duty 24/7. Those same people will turn into contacts and leads for employment opportunities when you have a bit of physical and emotional recovery under your belt.

Change toward the unknown often triggers our fear because most of us don't like ambiguity. In your current state of exhaustion and recent loss you are in what I would call a "high soothe" state--you need more comforting and assuring than challenge and uncertainty. Ultimately, your finances will dictate how quickly your have to seek paid employment but I like the idea of easing into it. Incremental and small steps are far easier to take than giant leaps. I had a friend who was remarkably adept at handling change and I asked her what her secret was. It was so elegantly simple: if you don't like how something ends up, you can change it again. I hope that lightens the ominous burden of thinking that you have to decide it all and get it right once. It's not like caregiving.

A final word on how to start when your feel stuck in a feeling of overwhelm-just do what's in front of you. Pick one thing and do it. Then pick the next one. You can't empty the whole basket at once so proceed in manageable steps.

Lastly, have a good day. I don't mean any disrespect for your grief but only that you truly need to have a nice day because you probably haven't one in a long time. Learning to do that is one of the most important new skills for your success in building your new life. Otherwise, you'll turn it into the same nose-to-the-grindstone effort you had to muster for your loved one's challenges.

Comfort and blessings.

I’ve been grappling with this myself, but on a different level since my mom has not passed away. I am still caring for her after six years, but wondering what I’ll do when she’s gone. I am sure it will feel like there’s a hole in my heart that you could drive a truck through. I am a designer, and I’ve tried to keep my hand in, but as her Alzheimer’s progresses I have less time. I haven’t been working for money, but advancing my own design ideas for a new business.
I imagine it is similar to people in the service, or first responders. Caregiving is so immediate & demanding round the clock. Going back to a typical job, “please have that memo on her desk by noon” will feel so trivial.
But there is a pleasant stream of life out there. You’ve been running the rapids for so long, it wears you out. Just get in your canoe and float for awhile. Only start paddling again when you feel like it.

Sit down at your desk or computer and make a list of Radical Self-Care Ideas. They can be as basic as “put handcream on my hands” or “eat a good breakfast.” Include ideas as fanciful as “weekend at the beach,” or “take a spa day.” Try to make the list really long, at least 3 pages of rewarding stuff that feels good to you. Then, every day, try to do at least 3 things from the List for yourself.
I hope you feel better soon! Sending you love & support.

You are beautiful.

Your loss is still very new; it takes time to transition and go through the grieving process. Please give yourself the time you need to get back on your “emotional feet.” Be as kind to yourself during this time as you were to your mother. Blessings.

My mom just passed also. (I'm 54) I had a job and she was in assisted living but I spent every moment there that I could. I also have no idea how life will move forward as my entire focus has been her for so long. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I think the suggestions on this forum are good ones. -- Sue

Schools have a lot of jobs. I heard before & after school supported by school district pays well & you have a special love.

I am so sorry for your loss and I have some idea of how you must be feeling. I have not lost my mother yet, but I am her primary caregiver and know I face the same things you are facing now sometime in the "not too distant" future. I moved in with my parents 12 years ago to help care for my father. After he passed, I stayed on with my mom. She subsequently had a stroke. She improved with rehab but over the past year has been in a steady decline. She is now 94 years old and I have to help her do everything. I have lost my own identity over the past 12 years and although I feel blessed to be able to help her it is still very lonely. I'm scared for the future and you expressed your struggle in a way that touched me deeply. My heart goes out to you. I can't advise you any better than the others on this blog but I just want you to know I understand.

I wonder if you might consider taking care of other people’s family members and become a home health aide in your area! I’m pretty sure they have training and whatever you might need - just a thought! Good luck - so very sorry for your loss.