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Hey everyone, first time posting here. I didn't really know where else to turn. I am a 27/f acting as full time sole caregiver for my grandmother for the past several years. Her daughter (my mother) is her next of kin/ would be medical POA if needed.


Caring for my grandmother up until this point has been relatively easy. She is very ambulatory, and outside of some breathing issues, is very physically healthy for her age. She does have anxiety/ panic attacks, and more recently diagnosed with onset of dementia.


However the other night she fell, completely breaking the top of her radial bone off. My world has been completely flipped upside down, and I feel overwhelmed. I have asked my mother to step in, with no response from her, I talked to the local area on aging to maybe get an stna to visit for a couple hours a week so that I can do shopping ect, but they said with the dementia diagnosis we would need to set up a POA or my mother would need to contact them, as I'm not her next of kin, unless the situation became dire enough for adult protective services to step in.


I already handle the day to day house hold chores ( dishes, laundry, cleaning, meal prep, ect) but the broken arm has her anxiety running rampent. I'm exhausted, and scared. I feel completely alone with my hands tied behind my back with no family or outside support unless I royally screw up.


I can't leave her here alone, but I don't think my sanity can handle being stuck in this house 24/7 with only rushed, panicked trips to the store, scared of what might happen while I'm gone. I feel so lost and alone, and don't know where else to turn. If anyone has any advice please let me know. I could use all the help I can get.

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Hello Aquacrush, just waving at you to say welcome. I'm in the UK, it's pretty early for most people on the forum so don't worry if there aren't many replies straight away. I'll read your post again and come back to you... Hugs!
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Roughly where are you? (which country/state)
When exactly did your grandmother have this fall and fracture, and what has been done about it?
Is this her dominant hand that's affected? How much is the fracture restricting her normal life?
Where is your mother, and is it unusual for her not to respond when you call her? Or, did she respond - with "sorry can't help you"?

Just a by-the-way - "early onset" dementia strictly speaking means dementia that begins at an unusually early age, with people in their thirties or forties. What your grandmother has is the early stages of dementia. This only matters because sometimes if you say "early onset" people will jump to the conclusion that your grandmother is much younger than she actually is.

Anyway - step one is to take deep breaths. There will be a way to get help to you, we just have to figure out the wriggles! Hugs again.
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Aquacrush Jun 2019
Thank you so much for your reply. We live in Ohio. The fall happened Friday night as she was coming from her bedroom into the living room. The break is at the top of her radial bone of her dominant (right) wrist. I called 911 because I knew it was broken as soon as I saw it and wasn't comfortable trying to move her by myself. They took her to the ER, x rays and a temporary cast until her apointment with an orthopaedic surgeon this Tuesday. It has effected her dramatically, as is it her first broken bone ever, but I think it is as much mentally as physically, because she isnt able to do her crafts, and now needs help with going to bathroom and bathing.
In regards to my mother, I called her the night she fell and got an "okay...." And when i told her I was scared and in over my head with this, all she said was "if you need money for any prescriptions they give her, i have $20 dollars I can send you." And "talk to the doctors and ask if they can give her something to zonk her out to make her easier to manage" My mother has never been hands on even when she lived here (or even when I was younger, my grandma is the one who raised me more so than her) so this isn't out of the norm for her.
Sorry about the mix up in terms, still feeling my way through all of this and figuring things out. Will definately remember in the future!
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With regard to the panic attacks and anxiety in general, has your grandma been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist for meds to help with that?

I'm curious how you came to be the one caring for your grandma? Is there a formal caregiving arrangement, with payment and regular respite?

Does your mother, in fact, have POA for grandma?
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Aquacrush Jun 2019
Thank you for replying. Yes my grandma has been evaluated, is on a couple different medications, and goes to the dr and a behavioral therapist every three months. Up until her wrist broke the panic attacks had become very infrequent.
I started caring for my grandmother when I was about 11, and the amount of care has only increased over time. I was working and taking care of her until about 2 years ago when my mother moved out. There is no formal agreement or "pay". About 6 months ago I told my mother that if I was going to be the one taking care of her mother, the least she could do is help out bill wise, and the only help or "pay" is her helping with my phone and car insurance payments. Up until the fall she was able to be left alone for several hours as long as I had meals prepped, made sure she had anything she needed and such, So i was able to go out one day a week or so with friends to dinner or something, as well as when i did the weekly shopping. There is however a paper filed with Jfs from her doctor naming me as her caregiver where my grandmother has QMB (its basically medicaid for if you make a little too much for medicaid)
I am not sure if there is a POA set up. I know she filled out some paperwork when i was about 17 (do not recesitate order, living will) but with her memory failing and my mothers lack of communication, i dont know if there was a poa set up then as well.
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I'm going to suggest you take grandmother for a little road trip to visit her daughter, pack a suitcase. Your mother needs to step up and that may be what it takes to get her attention.
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Aquacrush Jun 2019
My mother actually use to live here with us, she moved out about 2 years ago. I was actually working up until then as well, but my health started declining trying to balance full time work and full time caregiving. It was only about 6 months ago that she began helping financially (thank god for Ohio's fealty laws)
My mother has never been hands on, and despite living with us, it was my grandma that raised me more than she ever thought about. She has always been very self centered and social and didn't want bogged down with a kid, or now, her mother.
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You do not have to be next of kin to be POA. You are caring for grandma, so POA should probably be you, especially since you cannot get a response from mom. Will grandma make you POA? It is extremely important that the documentation is completed. Otherwise you would either have to go to court to seek guardianship (expensive) or grandma becomes a ward of the state, no family would have any right to make necessary decisions.

Find an elder law attorney, paid by grandma, to set everything up for her.
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Aquacrush Jun 2019
Im not sure if there is a POA in place. i know some paperwork was filled out and filed years ago (back when I was 17) that included her not not recesitate, living will, ect, but with my gradmas memory decline and my mothers lack of communication I'm not sure is a POA was set up as well.
With my grandma's dementia diagnosis and mental decline, would a new POA agreement be legally binding? Ive heard of people fighting things that were signed when the person wasn't mentally competent.
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Aqua; You seem to be between a rock and a hard place, don't you!!!!

Your mother doesn't sound like a mature human being; she kind of dumped you on grandma and now she's dumped grandma on you? Your mother should NOT be POA, no way, no how does she get any "say so" in this situation. The one thing I would ask mom to do is to call the Area Agency on Aging and ask for a "needs assessment" since the AAA seems to think they need the next of kin to do that.

What are grandma's financial resources like? Does she have a pension, social security, mutual funds? Who manages her money?

Are you in touch with gma's regular doctor? Can you call her/him today and explain what happened? It sounds as though gma needs some meds right now to ease her anxiety.
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Aquacrush Jun 2019
Thanks for replying, my mother has always been very self centered and social and didn't want bogged down with a kid, or now, her mother.
My grandma is on social security, and I pay all of her monthly bills and do her shopping. Up until about 2 years ago I was working as well as caregiving, but when my mother moved out my health very rapidly declined trying to juggle everything. Luckily I had some savings to get me through for a while, and when we started having problems I (unintentionally) strong armed my mother into some financial help because of Ohio's fealty laws and she began helping with my phone and car insurance (the only two bills I really have)
I am in regular contact with her doctor, and called her friday from the hospital, but she wants to wait until after the apointment with the orthopedic surgeon tuesday and get his input before seeing her. She is currently on a couple meds for her anxiety, and up until the fall it was pretty well controlled outside of a hiccup here and there. Hoping they can maybe up her dose a little or something to help her through this rough patch.
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Job #1 is to find out if there is a valid POA, I'm guessing that was likely done when all the others were but you need to know. IF your mother has POA then she is the only one who can do what needs to be done to get you help in the home, and she will have the authority to gain access your grandmother's money to pay for aides and medication - sending $20 from her own pocket is next to useless.
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Having a bit of trouble reconciling this:

'Her daughter (my mother) is her next of kin/ would be medical POA if needed.'

with this:

'In regards to my mother, I called her the night she fell and got an "okay...." And when i told her I was scared and in over my head with this, all she said was "if you need money for any prescriptions they give her, i have $20 dollars I can send you."'

I guess we've established that your mother is the proverbial chocolate teapot.

I remember from when my mother broke her wrist that she didn't show as much actual pain as you'd expect (at the time my head was swimming so badly - I'm not good with bone ends sticking out of flesh - that perhaps I just wasn't fully attentive to detail); but pain is definitely the key issue now that the fracture has been temporarily stabilised. Even when there's nothing to see, it can be severe; and distinguishing between pain, anxiety and fear in this situation is not straightforward.

It's different for you because they've just sent your grandmother straight home. My mother needed surgery and was kept in - woohoo! - for 24 hours afterwards, so at least I had that bit of thinking space. I think if I were you I'd call the ER and ask if they can advise you on how to handle things until Tuesday. They can review what pain relief, if any, was px'd for grandmother and just check that what can be done is being done.

That's for now. Then there's - how can I put it? - the situational overhaul to look at.

Your mother is taking the piss. I'm not sure if the full sense of that translates into US English, but I can't think of a more accurate description. She is perfectly content with the situation because she doesn't allow it to impinge significantly on her life, but at the same time she obstructs you from doing the job that she, your mother, left on your hands. I feel very angry with her on your behalf. I sort of suspect that you are too used to it to feel any anger?

You're going to have catch mother at a "good time" and nail her down on what formal steps have already been taken. Is there a POA or a health care proxy in existence? Yes/no? It's not a trick question, she should at least be able to tell you that much.

You are correct to think that if the dementia has advanced far enough your grandmother won't be able to create a new POA, but cross that bridge when you come to it.

Her mother's broken her wrist, her daughter's trying to cope single-handed, and she can offer you $20 for meds. [mutters: woman needs such a slap.]
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Aquacrush Jun 2019
I love your reply, and yes, you have my mother down to a literal T. She is very much a "saving face" type of person that will talk to strangers about how wonderful her daughter and family are, but wants little to actually do with us.
Unfortunately in regards to pain, my state has some of the highest opiant deaths in the US (from what the er doctor told us) and outside of what they gave her at the hospital, said that otc Tylenol or Advil would have to suffice until with see the orthopedic. I understand that she has to be in alot of pain, and especially at 75 with her first broken bone, wouldn't blame her for screaming bloody murder.
I was able to call my mother this morning (caught her after church) and a) there is a POA and it is her, when it was originally set up I wasn't 18 and wasn't able to be listed, and b) has finally (after much moaning and groaning) agreed to have someone come stay with her a couple times a week starting Wednesday (Yay!!!)
The POA situation I will have to do some more research into, but for now it is a very big load off of my mind that I will have some help.
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I am so sorry that your Mom is not more supportive of you taking care of your grandmother.  Have you investigated how you could get paid by Medicaid for being a "Family Caregiver"?  Area Agency on Aging might be able to provide some information about how you can get paid by Medicaid to be your Grandmother's "Family Caregiver".

Here are some websites that I found that might help you get some financial assistance for being a "Family Caregiver".  Unfortunately, you might have to have your Mom apply for these programs on behalf of your grandmother if she is POA for grandmother. 

https://aging.ohio.gov/caregiversupport
Ohio Department of Aging

https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/longtermcare/resources/locator_tool.html

https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/longtermcare/resources/oh-elderly-services-program.html

The Elderly Services Program is administered by Ohio’s Council on Aging (COA), the Area Agency on Aging for Southwestern Ohio, and is funded through county tax property levies.
The Elderly Services Program is only available in the following four Ohio Counties: Butler, Clinton, Hamilton, and Warren. 

MyCare Ohio Plan (MCOP)
https://www.caregiver.org/mycare-ohio-plan-mcop

The MyCare Ohio Plan is a Medicaid program that assists elderly persons to remain living at home or within the community. This program allows certain family members, excluding spouses or legal guardians, to be hired and paid as the personal care provider. Other services may include:
Respite / Adult day care / Homemaker services / Personal care / Home delivered meals / Home modifications / Transportation

http://www.coaaa.org/cms/services/need-help-staying-at-home/my-care
The MyCare Ohio Plan is a Medicaid program that assists elderly persons to remain living at home or within the community. This program allows certain family members, excluding spouses or legal guardians, to be hired and paid as the personal care provider. Other services may include:
Respite / Adult day care / Homemaker services / Personal care / Home delivered meals / Home modifications /Transportation
Phone: Ohio Medicaid Consumer Hotline: 800-324-8680

https://www.medicaid.ohio.gov/Portals/0/For%20Ohioans/Programs/MyCareOhio/CommunityWell.pdf

https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/financial-legal/info-2017/you-can-get-paid-as-a-family-caregiver.html?INTCMP=RDRCT-IC-CAREGIVING

I hope that your grandmother's appointment with the orthopedic doctor goes well.  Wrist fractures can be so painful and hard to heal because the bone is in a joint that not only bends, but also, twists and turns. 

You mention that "when my mother moved out, my health very rapidly declined trying to juggle everything".  Even though you are a caregiver, you need to take care of yourself as well.  Ask the Area Agency on Aging for suggestions for Respite care for your Grandmother so that you can focus on your health for awhile.  If you get sick, who is going to take care of your Grandmother?  (Definitely NOT your Mother.)
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Aquacrush Jun 2019
Thank you do much for the reply. Unfortunately, I have looked into the Mycare, but was rejected because of her dementia. In the case of mycare, they do an assessiment and she would basically become my "boss" and they determined that she didn't have the mental capacity to accurately log hours, assess her own care needs, ect.
Luckily I was able to talk to my mother this morning as she was coming out of church, and after much complaining she agreed to have someone come stay with my grandma twice a week. I also found out that she is in fact the POA, so that will have to be figured out, but for now Im happy to finally be getting some much needed help.
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Sometimes on the POA document there is named a primary and a secondary, if the primary steps down or can’t act for some reason. Best case you are POA, but you would probably know. The document is very large and you would have had to sign. Next best case your Mom is POA and you are secondary. That way Mom can opt out and you will take over. Can your Mom at least tell you the POA status if there is one? If you’ve found all the other Living will, DNR stuff, if there’s any indication they were filled out at a lawyers office, maybe you could call them?
She is probably in a lot of pain from the break and it might be making her dementia skyrocket. Can you call her doctor now about that? If grandma gets out of control prior to the next doctors appointment call 911 again.
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Aquacrush Jun 2019
Thank you for the reply, I was luckily able to talk to my mother this morning as she was coming out of church, and she finally agreed to have someone come over a couple times a week starting wednesday. Unfortunately I did find out that she is the sole POA (i was under 18 when it was set up, and couldn't be named) so that will have to be figured out, but for now I am just happy for the much needed help.
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Tylenol works best if you give it regularly - it's better at preventing pain than stopping it once it's started. Don't go over the stated dose, obviously (I know, you know!), but do give it in planned doses.

Did the ER give you any advice on supporting the limb, or anything else you can do to keep it more comfortable?

Sorry - you caught your mother after you'd been to church, or she had?
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Aquacrush Jun 2019
I caught her as she was leaving church (she works for the salvation army, the irony, I know, and regularly attends). They do have my grandmother in a sling to support the cast, but recommended a rolled up blanket under her arm to support it if she is resting so that the sling doesn't agrivate her shoulder.
Right now she is finally sleeping for a bit, which has been a rarity the past few days, so hopefully that means something is helping.
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Aquacrush, I remember a couple years ago when I broke my arm in a fall, I was in my late 60's. The most painful thing I had ever encountered. I was taking over the counter pain pills but they weren't helping. The doctor gave me prescription for a morphine mix but after taking one pill I didn't like the side effects.

Had my arm also in a sling which did help, but after the fact the arm muscle had frozen to a point where I couldn't move my arm at all. i was like a 3 year old trying to use my other hand to eat, write, brush my teeth, comb my hair, or even getting dressed. Forget about putting on makeup :P

The orthopedic surgeon told me it was ok to up the dosage of the over the counter meds and he explained how I could that... one has to be careful. It did help, but sleeping was a bear on my arm, ice packs did help to dull the pain.

After the bone healed [those x-rays were a huge pain, too] I had to deal with 3 months of physical therapy to stretch out my frozen muscles. It was a slow process but I was able to regain full use of my arm. I hope this also works well for your Grandmother when she reaches that stage.

On another note, I never felt it was fair for a grandchild to give up their life to care for a grandparent. This is a time in your life where you should be setting up a career, finding the love of your life, and settling down. Your grandmother is only 75 years old. Thus, she has many more years. Then what is next? It will be time to take care of your own Mom.
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Aquacrush Jun 2019
Thanks for the reply. I m doing everything I can to keep her comfortable right now. I got her some extra strength Tylenol and a few regular doses in she said it is helping quite a bit. She has calmed down alot, and was finally able to get some decent sleep. I've also encouraged her to wiggle her fingers, and move her elbow as much as she safely can to try and ward off some of the stiffness.
Sadly I have always been the "family cargiver" even when I was a kid. My mother had 5 surgieries on her kidney when I was 11, and had a nephrostomy coming out of her back. I was the one that cleaned the exit site, changed the gauze, and padding, and rinsed out the bag for her. When i was 17 my oldest sister was diagnosed with lung cancer and I cared for her 22 hrs a day for about 5 weeks until she passed ( she didn't get diagnosed until it was too late) and at 22 my other sister was diagnosed with Parry–Romberg syndrome and I helped care for her for about a year until her suicide.
I guess its one of those...you can't miss what you never had situations. Outside of work Ive never really had close friends and have learned to be self sufficient and to not get close to others. I think there is still some residual resentment that Ive never been able to find my own path or have much of a social/ romantic life, but the way I see it, Im here for a reason and can be content with that.
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Oh, the irony of a parent who is MIA for her own family but out strutting her stuff for the world to see.

Ugh.

Mom needs to step and give you POA and if she isn't going to step up with actual physical care she needs to give YOU full power over Granny's care. And $20? How very, very generous of her!

BTW--sometimes you have to be a bit pushy about pain meds. Personally, Tylenol alone for me is as useless as possible. Ibuprofen is now a no-no as I am getting some liver 'issues' on it. For the love of heaven, this woman broke the tip of her bone off ---and they hand you TYLENOL???????????? She is not going to get addicted to opiates at her age and if she DOES, so what??

Being in untenable pain is so bad for you----mentally, physically, spiritually---I have to take an opiate every day. And I have to be accountable to my doc for every single one I swallow.

AS granny heals, she will not want to move as it will hurt. Pre-dosing with something that cuts the pain will allow her to do PT and get back to where she was--hopefully. Trust me, I've rehabbed my DH from so many things, and w/o a strong pain pill on board, he wouldn't MOVE.

If you went through the ER, no they almost never prescribe more than maybe 1 Norco in the ER and send you home. You need to do your follow up work with Granny's PCP or dr that she trusts and knows, and who knows her. If the ortho doc gives you grief about the pain meds, then I think you need to find one that won't withhold pain management.

Others have given you sites to research and places to call--I'm just feeling angry about the lousy tx your mother shows. But you're used to it, so it kind of just slides over you. I'm so sorry. My mom is a lot like yours--all for show.

I hope you can get some pain relief for grandma and some help for yourself. You will wind up doing nothing but caring for your elderly relatives for the rest of your life--and you need some "me time".

{{Hugs}}
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Aquacrush Jun 2019
Thanks for the reply, grandma is feeling a little better today outside of a few muscle spasms. I play on calling her pcp tomorrow morning and asking for at least some muscle relaxers if not more to make her more comfortable. She was finally able to get some decent sleep and was even joking a little bit earlier today. Im looking in to what I need to do to get her POA switched from my mother to me.
Sadly Im not really familiar with "me time" as I have been the family caregiver since I was a kid. I took care of my mother through 5 kidney surgeries and a nephrostomy tube coming out of her back when I was 11, my oldest sister with lung cancer at 17, my other sister with Parry–Romberg syndrome when I was 22, and now my grandma. I think there is still some residual resentment from never being able to find my own way or have much of a social/romantic life, but the way I see it Im here for a reason and can be content with that.
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Aqua, nobody can pretend that your family has had its fair share of ups and downs. Holy moly, that's a series of events that would batter anyone.

And I'm glad, as well as very impressed, that you can retrieve something from what's happened around you, and see it - as you say - as a sign that you're here for a reason.

But you are not here to be the family servant, and you are not here to be a mug. If you are willing to support your grandmother, happy to do it even, then good for you and I'm happy for you. But you STILL need the tools to do the job, and your mother needs to get her - self over there and help you sort out a plan that works. Money, powers of attorney, health care directives, caregiver support and all. Sounds to me like she hasn't "got round to it" because she's been able to let you muddle along somehow. Well, she'd better get round to it now. Make this weekend a formal warning for her.
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HI Aqua....I just wanted to say how much I admire you. Your strength of character and integrity is absolutely amazing, and you are a freaking AWESOME young woman. You have more on your plate than any young woman should have, and you're not bitter or complaining. You've been a generous caregiver your whole entire life. When you should have been playing, you were tending to a family members needs. When you should have been dating, you were schlepping to the doctor or the hospital on behalf of a loved one. With ZERO support from your mother, you managed to grow up to be an amazing and nurturing human being. Maybe I should say IN SPITE of your mother. My hat is off to you, 1000%. My question is, when are you going to have a Come To Jesus meeting with mother to let her know when you'll be starting YOUR life, and when SHE will need to Do The Right Thing, for once? Please have that meeting soon, okay? You deserve a full life, and your mother needs to woman up and take the responsibility she's sloughed off so far.
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