I am needing some advice. Backstory: My grandfather passed away about 2 years ago. My grandma did not want to live in the house she and him lived together anymore because of the memories. she offered my husband, our 2 year old son, and I to rent the house from her and we pay her a monthly rent so she has an income and we took over all the bills. I am a SAHM so I am home most of the time. She said we will inherit the house. She moved in with her brother about 3 hours away to be near family around her age.
Fast forward and now we have established this house as our home, i have redone everything to fit our families likes and needs. I am pregnant with our second child and will be due in February. We’ve been here about 2 years now. She has asked to move back in here and live with us because she misses the family here and her health isn’t as good as before. I have severe social anxiety, including with family. She has always been so sweet with us and I love her dearly. I just don’t want to live with anyone else other than my family we’ve just started. She gets very anxious about things, and is very particular. Sometimes the dishes don’t get done and I have laundry waiting to be washed or put away and I really can’t handle any judgment.. what do I do? I feel my mental health will decline if she did move in, I enjoy my alone time with my son and the solitude of days at home..
You will have to tell grandma that you won’t be able to take care of her and a baby .
You will have to move out and rent another house since this house belongs to grandma . Taking care of grandma to inherit a house is not worth blowing up your marriage .
At some point if grandma needs assisted living or a nursing home she may need to sell the house to pay for her care .
Never , ever count on inheritance .,
There is no such thing as inheritance until someone dies . Your grandmother can change her mind at any time while she is alive and not leave you a house or anything else.
Time to be the adults in the room, and let Grandma know (very soon) this is not a workable situation, and go get your own place. I’m sorry you’ve fixed the place up with the assumption this was now your home, with your own money, I’m sure. But it was simply ill-advised from the beginning without a contract in place. Perhaps a ‘rent-to-own’ contract would have protected your equity.
You have been paying grandma rent , so you owe her nothing .
You can dodge a bullet now , because grandma can not hold anything over your head for the period of time you lived in her house.
Like said below , this is a lesson learned . You walked into an arrangement that you believed was helping both of you out . Many do . But you have the opportunity to avoid the horrors of this being more complicated as we see in other family arrangements .
The end result of inheritance is not a given . If you have made any costly improvements to the home you may have to just let that go unless grandma is willing to pay you for any of it .
That potential loss is not important .
Keeping your marriage , and sanity is what’s important . Start looking for a new home .
Good luck to you.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I’d say that your health and taking care of your young family comes first. At the very top.
If you can, look at your grandma’s house as any other place you and your husband would be renting - you’d make it homey and comfortable for you and your children. And if it’s time to move, it’s time to move. You can express gratitude to grandma for the arrangement you “had”, but with a newborn on the way and a toddler, explain that it’s better for all of you if your family relocates prior to her coming back to the house. You can perhaps request that she wait several months to give you time? Hopefully she will…
You already know the time it takes to be a SAHM and your new infant will bring joy and additional tasks for you and your husband. Now is not the time for you to add elderly caregiving and the potential accompanying financial stress to your plate. You can be a sweet granddaughter who periodically visits, but is NOT a caregiver. And the chances are just too high that your grandma’s expectations will exceed your abilities. Many of us here have firsthand experience with this exact scenario, I’m sorry to say.
On top of that, “inheritance” doesn’t exist when someone is alive, so perish that thought. It’s not a healthy way to engage in relationships. Right?
So please, be kind to yourself and your growing primary family. Sit with your husband, work your budget and locate your new family home. A peaceful and healthy environment is so vital for you. That’s your only obligation. Please do not allow yourself to be guilted into caregiving. There are just too many risks for you to be locked in.
Warmly,
Janet
She is probably not going to like being told "no" so have a back-up plan if this becomes the reality.
Also, unless she shows you a copy of her Will and it shows that you inherit the house, I would not trust this to ever happen. If she ever gets to the point where she requires Medicaid, they put a lien on the house which the next owners (you) would have to satisfy before taking ownership.
If you are not her PoA then this is another reason to not live with her -- as she declines her behaviors, in her house not yours, will drive you nuts and you will have no control over it. This forum is FULL of posts of people in that exact situation and they are desperate to get out of it.
If your Grandmother has all her mind then she gets to decide where she lives, but you should be prepared to say no to her and then move out. Do not negotiate any other arrangement with her that includes you living with her or being her caregiver. You will regret it in spades.
Life does throw us curves. Let grandma know you understand she wants to move back home and you will try and be out within 90 days. She will probably be shocked you are leaving because I do believe she is expecting to move back in, be the one in charge because it is her house, and have you take care of her. This is not a situation you want to stay in. Start looking for a new place.
And, I'll tell you something about inheritances: they are worth absolutely zero until the person dies and the will is probated. Don't sacrifice your peace and your mental health for that "promise". My husband's uncle set up a trust for our three kids and our/his niece and nephew. They were payable after the youngest was 21 years old. Then he died and left his son as successor trustee. (The son is not good with money.) I told all the kids, don't count on anything from that trust. Anything can happen. And what do you know? They actually did get some money. So it could all work out. But the odds are not good if you all move in together and then have a falling out. Good luck to you and congrats on the baby.
The odds are even worse if granny has to go into residential care at some point but is still keeping the house in her name. It will have to be sold and the proceeds from it spent down on her care then she'll go on Medicaid.
Not only will the OP inherit nothing, they will have to find a new home.
Many seniors will make promises but keep assets in their name anyway. They think it's a kind of insurance policy that ensures their family keeps them out of care. They get up getting placed anyway and their assets get spent down paying a LTC facility.
However, you are living in her house, so if she wants to move back into it, she is entitled to do so. That would mean you and your family moving out. Your rent money would then go to a new landlord (or a mortgage if you decide to buy) rather than to your grandmother. Does she depend on this money to live, or is it extra for her?
Who are the other family members nearby that she wants to be near? Is your grandmother looking to move because she wants her original house and the nearby family, or is she actually looking to move in with SOMEONE who will take care of her, and she sees your family as the easiest and most logical (from her point of view) option?
What would happen if you moved out, stopped paying rent to her, and she moved into her original home? Would that be workable for her? (I know it might not be what you want, but I'm asking since she IS the owner.) Or would it not work because she now needs someone living with her to take care of her?
Adulting requires that you stand up for and do what is right for your family. Sure, you’re disappointed, who wouldn’t be? But since you already know you wouldn’t be happy living with granny - and let me add that your children may resent her more than you will - chalk this up to a learning experience and find another place to live.
Never underestimate the misery of multigenerational living. Granny will get older and sicker as you are getting busier and more worn out from raising your family. There’s no way you’re going to love becoming a caregiver for an elderly woman who becomes more cantankerous by the day, is annoyed by baby messes and toddler enthusiasm, and considers herself the boss of her house.
If you have to live in a cramped walk up apartment on the third floor, do it for a while. Anything is better than accepting granny’s terms.
“But I love her so much and she promised me - “ Okay. If you insist on going ahead with Project Grim Granny, please let us know how it’s going. We’ll be here for you.
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