I am needing some advice. Backstory: My grandfather passed away about 2 years ago. My grandma did not want to live in the house she and him lived together anymore because of the memories. she offered my husband, our 2 year old son, and I to rent the house from her and we pay her a monthly rent so she has an income and we took over all the bills. I am a SAHM so I am home most of the time. She said we will inherit the house. She moved in with her brother about 3 hours away to be near family around her age.
Fast forward and now we have established this house as our home, i have redone everything to fit our families likes and needs. I am pregnant with our second child and will be due in February. We’ve been here about 2 years now. She has asked to move back in here and live with us because she misses the family here and her health isn’t as good as before. I have severe social anxiety, including with family. She has always been so sweet with us and I love her dearly. I just don’t want to live with anyone else other than my family we’ve just started. She gets very anxious about things, and is very particular. Sometimes the dishes don’t get done and I have laundry waiting to be washed or put away and I really can’t handle any judgment.. what do I do? I feel my mental health will decline if she did move in, I enjoy my alone time with my son and the solitude of days at home..
You will have to tell grandma that you won’t be able to take care of her and a baby .
You will have to move out and rent another house since this house belongs to grandma . Taking care of grandma to inherit a house is not worth blowing up your marriage .
At some point if grandma needs assisted living or a nursing home she may need to sell the house to pay for her care .
Never , ever count on inheritance .,
There is no such thing as inheritance until someone dies . Your grandmother can change her mind at any time while she is alive and not leave you a house or anything else.
Time to be the adults in the room, and let Grandma know (very soon) this is not a workable situation, and go get your own place. I’m sorry you’ve fixed the place up with the assumption this was now your home, with your own money, I’m sure. But it was simply ill-advised from the beginning without a contract in place. Perhaps a ‘rent-to-own’ contract would have protected your equity.
She is probably not going to like being told "no" so have a back-up plan if this becomes the reality.
Also, unless she shows you a copy of her Will and it shows that you inherit the house, I would not trust this to ever happen. If she ever gets to the point where she requires Medicaid, they put a lien on the house which the next owners (you) would have to satisfy before taking ownership.
If you are not her PoA then this is another reason to not live with her -- as she declines her behaviors, in her house not yours, will drive you nuts and you will have no control over it. This forum is FULL of posts of people in that exact situation and they are desperate to get out of it.
If your Grandmother has all her mind then she gets to decide where she lives, but you should be prepared to say no to her and then move out. Do not negotiate any other arrangement with her that includes you living with her or being her caregiver. You will regret it in spades.
If you and your husband are legal tenants renting the house, you have certain rights. You do not have to allow the landlors to move in with you so you can become their caregivers. Although it would be within the grandmother's rights to evict you and your family if she wants to.
Do you have a lease agreement with her? Is your monthly rent paying in writing? If you don't have any of these things in place, you's better get them fast. Otherwise she can literally kick you out tomorrow, though you would be able to squat for a while. she can also double, triple, quadruple the rent if she wants to if you don't have anything on writing.
You've got another baby on the way. You can't take on an elder with declining health also. Get a legal lease agreement done with your grandmother immediately, or you and your husband find a new home.
Never rent anywhere without a lease agreement especially if you're dealing with family.
However, you are living in her house, so if she wants to move back into it, she is entitled to do so. That would mean you and your family moving out. Your rent money would then go to a new landlord (or a mortgage if you decide to buy) rather than to your grandmother. Does she depend on this money to live, or is it extra for her?
Who are the other family members nearby that she wants to be near? Is your grandmother looking to move because she wants her original house and the nearby family, or is she actually looking to move in with SOMEONE who will take care of her, and she sees your family as the easiest and most logical (from her point of view) option?
What would happen if you moved out, stopped paying rent to her, and she moved into her original home? Would that be workable for her? (I know it might not be what you want, but I'm asking since she IS the owner.) Or would it not work because she now needs someone living with her to take care of her?
Adulting requires that you stand up for and do what is right for your family. Sure, you’re disappointed, who wouldn’t be? But since you already know you wouldn’t be happy living with granny - and let me add that your children may resent her more than you will - chalk this up to a learning experience and find another place to live.
Never underestimate the misery of multigenerational living. Granny will get older and sicker as you are getting busier and more worn out from raising your family. There’s no way you’re going to love becoming a caregiver for an elderly woman who becomes more cantankerous by the day, is annoyed by baby messes and toddler enthusiasm, and considers herself the boss of her house.
If you have to live in a cramped walk up apartment on the third floor, do it for a while. Anything is better than accepting granny’s terms.
“But I love her so much and she promised me - “ Okay. If you insist on going ahead with Project Grim Granny, please let us know how it’s going. We’ll be here for you.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I’d say that your health and taking care of your young family comes first. At the very top.
If you can, look at your grandma’s house as any other place you and your husband would be renting - you’d make it homey and comfortable for you and your children. And if it’s time to move, it’s time to move. You can express gratitude to grandma for the arrangement you “had”, but with a newborn on the way and a toddler, explain that it’s better for all of you if your family relocates prior to her coming back to the house. You can perhaps request that she wait several months to give you time? Hopefully she will…
You already know the time it takes to be a SAHM and your new infant will bring joy and additional tasks for you and your husband. Now is not the time for you to add elderly caregiving and the potential accompanying financial stress to your plate. You can be a sweet granddaughter who periodically visits, but is NOT a caregiver. And the chances are just too high that your grandma’s expectations will exceed your abilities. Many of us here have firsthand experience with this exact scenario, I’m sorry to say.
On top of that, “inheritance” doesn’t exist when someone is alive, so perish that thought. It’s not a healthy way to engage in relationships. Right?
So please, be kind to yourself and your growing primary family. Sit with your husband, work your budget and locate your new family home. A peaceful and healthy environment is so vital for you. That’s your only obligation. Please do not allow yourself to be guilted into caregiving. There are just too many risks for you to be locked in.
Warmly,
Janet
Good luck to you.
And, I'll tell you something about inheritances: they are worth absolutely zero until the person dies and the will is probated. Don't sacrifice your peace and your mental health for that "promise". My husband's uncle set up a trust for our three kids and our/his niece and nephew. They were payable after the youngest was 21 years old. Then he died and left his son as successor trustee. (The son is not good with money.) I told all the kids, don't count on anything from that trust. Anything can happen. And what do you know? They actually did get some money. So it could all work out. But the odds are not good if you all move in together and then have a falling out. Good luck to you and congrats on the baby.
The odds are even worse if granny has to go into residential care at some point but is still keeping the house in her name. It will have to be sold and the proceeds from it spent down on her care then she'll go on Medicaid.
Not only will the OP inherit nothing, they will have to find a new home.
Many seniors will make promises but keep assets in their name anyway. They think it's a kind of insurance policy that ensures their family keeps them out of care. They get up getting placed anyway and their assets get spent down paying a LTC facility.
Just a little sidebar...
Please be aware that life often throws curve balls, and sometimes we walk trustfully into a fantasy where we (and we all do) get slammed, hurt, stunned, and embarrassed by our short sightedness, but it's worth tons as we're forced to grow from it. Curve balls never stop. By middle age, and even on your way, you will become a titan for it.
Mistakes or bad experiences are often mental muscle and courage builders toughening us up. Both benign and hurtful lessons cost. Life is one big fat university. Don't cowar. Social anxiety....? People are unpredictable and a pain in the butt sometimes. Squint you eyes, say sh-t, raise you eyebrows, and then smile and think, oh yeah... I got my babies to help build into loving and strong, lovely adult. Nothing's stopping me. Not this. Not anything.
This has nothing to do with social anxiety (fear of judgement). This is a rug-being-pulled-out-from-under-you kind of experience whether intentional, or probably not. Ah, the joys of relatives.
You are a young Momma Bear. This is a terrible lesson. Look at the situation straight in the eye, and grow. The below replies are crazy good.
Almost everything is surmountable, even if you start from scratch. The way you deal with this is being absorbed by your young. Your kids will be fierce, and kind, as their example, you. You are stronger then you know.
You either invite her in to move in with her or you move out and buy or rent your own house.
You have been paying grandma rent , so you owe her nothing .
You can dodge a bullet now , because grandma can not hold anything over your head for the period of time you lived in her house.
Like said below , this is a lesson learned . You walked into an arrangement that you believed was helping both of you out . Many do . But you have the opportunity to avoid the horrors of this being more complicated as we see in other family arrangements .
The end result of inheritance is not a given . If you have made any costly improvements to the home you may have to just let that go unless grandma is willing to pay you for any of it .
That potential loss is not important .
Keeping your marriage , and sanity is what’s important . Start looking for a new home .
Grandma now wants to return to the house. I think she's doing so with good intentions. She has been living with a family member. She may think, I want my house but I don't want to kick granddaughter and her family out. She may think, we love each other, we can live together, I can help with the toddler and baby. I doubt that two years ago while in mourning she cooked up a plot to manipulate things to ultimately have free live-in caregivers.
The key now, Yana, is to be kind but honest. Be firm that if Grandma moves back in, you'll be moving out. Be kind in explaining to Grandma that you love her but it won't work out for she and your family to live together. It may turn out that if what she really wants is someone to live with who will take care of her, she'll let you continue to rent and she'll seek out another solution, like some other family members or assisted living. If that's the case, listen and empathize and work with other family members to determine what will work. But don't give in and agree to have her living with you. It will cost you the loving relationship.
And you can never count on an inheritance. Too many things can change or go wrong. Even if you see the will now, someone may persuade her to change it or sign it over to them now, without you knowing about it. Or is may need to be sold to pay for her care. Or another family member might decide to live with her in the house now or later, and she'll leave it to them. It might be a lovely gift to you in the future, but don't make any plans based on it.
I don’t think grandma is offering to help with the kids ( as you suggested ) with her health declining.
Grandma sees her loving granddaughter who is living in her home as her caregiver since she’s a stay at home Mom .
I agree that it’s possible grandma did not plan all this from the beginning when she was grieving the death of her husband .
But there is a lot here to suggest that now grandma has the idea in her head that Yanamaxine will take care of her in exchange for inheriting a house .
Life does throw us curves. Let grandma know you understand she wants to move back home and you will try and be out within 90 days. She will probably be shocked you are leaving because I do believe she is expecting to move back in, be the one in charge because it is her house, and have you take care of her. This is not a situation you want to stay in. Start looking for a new place.
You paid rent for a long time, so owe her nothing. Just let her know you will be moving out, in X amount of days. If she balks, or says "Why don't you stay?" Just tell her, "We always planned to have our own place by ourselves, with just our kids. We like to have our privacy. We appreciated renting your place, but never planned to have other family members live with us. Sorry! Don't take it personal."
She may back off and stay where she is. Or....she is being pushed to LEAVE where she is, if her health is declining. Not all family members want to be 24/7 Caregivers. The big clue is "her health is not as good as before." She obviously wants to have a free, live in Caregiver/Cook/Maid. I can see it a mile away.
Don't get trapped in it. Find a new place and GO!
You can love Grandma to death, but being her 24/7 Live In Caregiver as she comes to the end of her life is not something you want to get stuck with. Especially being so young with young children!
"I just don’t want to live with anyone else other than my family we’ve just started. . . . what do I do?"
You tell her how much you love her and that your home is now 'set up' for your own family and the new born on the way.
It isn't a 'do-able' solution at this time.
My health doesn't permit it and there is now no room due to all the changes we've made to the house over the years. And a baby on the way.
You might want to say that you'll be happy to (?) help her find an apt close by ... if you are willing to do that. Hire someone to do this if you don't want to / can't right now. Just look for apartments. She has the funds to rent a space.
The issue could be more of you feeling GUILT-Y with a capital G.
It is an emotional difficult situation because you do love her and she is kind.
However, with your child on the way and your own physical / mental disabilities (social anxiety, etc)., this situation is a major RED FLAG - you cannot go there. Period. You have a baby to consider. How you feel does affect your unborn child.
Know it will be hard to assert yourself. Tell her it is hard to discuss this.
However, it is best for both of us (or all concerned).
Do NOT go into long explanations.
Be succinct and brief.
When a person goes into explaining, it is signaling (to me) that you / the speaker feels guilty. Say a couple of sentences and then give her a chance to respond.
If you do not know what to say, tell her you'll need to think things over and get back to her.
I would try to do this in person if possible. If not, perhaps better for you.
If on the phone, write down what you plan to say to have a guide.
Do you have a lease?
Do you think you need one?
Could she kick you and your family out of the house?
Would she get an attorney?
The bottom-er line may be that she is the homeowner and has a right to ask you to leave - I do not know if that is legally true or if she'd take this level of action.
Think of yourself and your family first.
With a baby on the way, you need to keep yourself as calm and healthy as possible. For you and the baby. Put yourself first.
If she wants to be closer to you, she can be - by renting an apt.
That is a win win although she won't see it that way, initially - perhaps she will down the road. Much has to do with her mental and physical health.
She may need to look for a multi-level senior housing development.
That would be much better for her anyway - than moving in with you/r family.
That is another can of worms - as she declines, she'll need much more care.
You cannot provide it in the house as it is now.
You (she) need to think over the long(er) term as she continues to decline.
Gena / Touch Matters
Tell her you love her but don't wish to live with anyone other than your own nuclear family. Tell her if she wishes to return you will vacate the premises. Tell her that you will need a good three months time to find new housing for your family.
She may or may not return if she understands you are leaving. That really isn't your concern. I highly advise you not to live with an elder in that elder's home. If you choose to, rental stops. And a good care contract should be done in an elder law attorney office. The circumstances under which you would be leaving (one person in family unhappy with living situation) would be delineated in such a contract.
Good luck.
You already know it is not a good idea to let Grandma move in with you.
But I'm very concerned that if she owns the home, and you don't do as she wishes, she might take your home away - that is, force you to move.
Explain everything to her exactly as you have explained here, and hopefully she is a very sweet natured woman who will understand.
You must be very clear with her that you are not in a position to take care of her needs as she ages and declines.
But, be prepared. You have no rights to the house, unless you have a written contract, and you may have to find somewhere else to live. I'm so sorry.
I hate family gifts that come with conditions. My mother and father did that to me when I was younger, until I learned not to accept anything from them.
Try and convince your Grandma that her living with your family will not be comfortable for anyone, including her. Is she really prepared for life with a toddler and infant? See if you can brainstorm other living arrangements - such as a senior living community - independent apartments for seniors and disabled, where she will have the company of others her age, near you so you can be involved in her life. If she insists on moving in to "her home", let her know that living arrangement will not work for you and you will be moving. She will be all alone in her home. That may not be what she is looking for.
Try to find an arrangement that works for everyone.
You might try living with her for a while, and establish clear boundaries and expectations, "house rules" and you might find that it isn't as bad as you fear.
She could be helpful with cleaning and taking care of the young ones.
Do NOT expect to inherit the house. Unless the promise to inherit the property is in WRITING her promise is meaningless.
If not you have a few options.
1. You willingly allow grandma to move back in and live with you and the family.
2. You refuse to move and grandma has to LEGALLY evict you. this means she has to fill out papers, go to court and still give you time to move out. She can NOT legally remove your belongings from the house or lock you out.
3. You willingly move out.
All of these advices are so good! So many great advice. I agree that communication with your grandmother is imperative especially since somewhere she got the idea that you would be taking care of her. Maybe she feels that being a SAHM allows you to do these things, but you need to let her know that is not the case.
I agree that it is her house and she has the right to move back in but you should let her know that she will not be having a live in caregiver waiting for her so she can plan accordingly.
I also would advise you to not do it if you think your nerves and social anxiety would make it hard. It’s not fair to the both of you. I let myself get guilted into being a live in caregiver and felt they would have planned better if I spoke up.
Be kind and gentle to the both of you.
If push comes to shove, she would have to take you to court to evict you. Hopefully you have some kind of a lease that will be upheld in court. If you are meeting the terms of the lease, you cannot be evicted. The lease will have a termination date, and it may or may not be renewed by either or both parties. I would think she would need the assistance of another person or family member in order to pursue this.
Real estate law protects tenants first. So legally, you are in a good position.