To give a little background my husband and I have been together for 7 years, married one year, we are 27 years old. 2 Months after we got married his 85 year old Grandma moved in with us after facing multiple health issues that ended in a stroke and dementia diagnosis. My husband was basically raised by his Grandma and would do anything for her which is one of the reasons I love him. After this happened she could no longer live alone and my husband’s brother lives far away and has children, and my father in law is incapable of taking care of her. Because we don’t have children, we seemed to be the easiest option. I work from home full time so I am able to be with her. The constant caregiving is really starting to get to me, along with working full time and keeping my house in order. She is independent with her hygiene but that is it, everything else is left up to me. (Medication, food, dr appointments, financial, etc)
We are almost at the year mark of her living here and I cannot take it any longer. I have expressed my feelings in every way possible to my Husband and he just blows me off by saying nothing has changed with her living here or there are no other options for her and I need to let it go.
I am at a loss, not sure where to go from here. I miss my privacy, husband, and my life.
This is up to you, but I do think, personally, and especially if you have friends out of town, that a vacation of 2 weeks away would wake hubby up.
I would make reservations and hotel room, tell hubby date you are leaving, and tell him when you return you will discuss whether grandma can live with you or not.
When living with an elder doesn't work for ONE person in the household, then it doesn't work.
Hubby can either "get that" or he can be alone with grandma.
Do let him know that, from what you read on agingcare, the trajectory is downward, and you won't be doing this.
The ball is in your court. You can sit tight and nothing will change other than to get inexorably worse. Or you can take matters into your own hands. This is about grownup real life. Time to have some control in it, or to understand that you don't, are merely a slave with no say in your own life. Either choice is acceptable, but be clear it is YOUR choice.
Grandma goes into assisted living care . You now have two full time jobs. That’s not fair . You are burnt and your husband is blowing you off .
I suggest marriage counseling , maybe a counselor can get him to see this is not fair . Your husband should be putting the marriage first .
If he says “ No “ then I would leave . He should be putting his wife first over his grandmother . Just because she raised him , doesn’t make her the center of your marriage .
Your other option is to get a new job that is in office 5 days a week . Then your husband will have to come up with another solution for grandma . So long as you keep doing this at home , nothing will change .
And today you stop taking grandma to her appointments. Let your husband know he will have to do that and he will be picking up her prescriptions and doing her shopping, errands and her financials. Why are you doing it all ???
I also agree with the suggestion of saying you need a break and go stay with friends . Your husband needs a wake up call .
Switching to something that is on site would get you out of grandma care.
A bit of righteous indignation is in order here. You married each other, not Grandma. Father-in-law is incapable of taking care of her, so when he can no longer care for himself, are you expected to take him in too? Then what? When do you get to have a family of your own? You know, the kind with a couple of kids and a doting husband and father who puts all of you first?
Time for a separation so husband can think this over. Don't believe him when he says if you come back, he'll help with Grandma. He may say anything to get you back. So the only thing you'll accept, and you make it clear before you leave, is for Grandma to be out of your home and in a permanent living place where she will stay for the rest of her life. Get some assisted living and memory care home brochures and arrange them artfully on the dresser in your formerly shared bedroom. Then go.
This seems harsh, but what he's doing to you is harsher yet. You don't need this. It's a young marriage, and getting out of it now will be easier than getting out later when you have children and when Grandma can do none of her care at all and FIL is sleeping on your couch and wandering in the middle of the night.
You and H should be out having fun, going on nice vacations, enjoying each other, and planning a bright future together. Instead you've got misery. Look at it this way - every day you spend taking care of Grandma is a day that's stolen from you. And she will get a lot worse, probably soon.
No point in more talk with H. You know it doesn't work. Just go. In time you may find a kind and loving partner who would do anything for YOU.
She said to say “ ( Husband’s name ) , I can’t do this anymore “. And mean it .
Get a job on site and stop working from home, that's also an option. Why do so many people think working from home isn't a REAL job and you have all this spare time to care for GMA? Your DH is minimizing your job AND the time spent caring for HIS GMA. Not good.
Go on a "work related" trip for a week and tell DH he'll have to take time off of HIS job to stay home and care for his GMA. Thst should change his tune about "no other options" very quickly.
GMA is NOW independent with hygiene, but won't be for long. What happens when shes having blowouts all over the house? Peeing in garbage cans and wetting the bed every night? Dementia, as it worsens, is a VERY ugly thing to witness and even uglier to care for. Seriously. I'm not trying to scare you, just tell you the truth. Men, somehow, need to be hit smack dab in the FACE with the reality of these things before they wake up. That's also the truth. It's "no big deal" to your DH till HE has to deal with it. Trust me.
Force your new groom to pull his head out of his back pocket and deal with granny HIMSELF. Then he will see things your way. Until then, you've got it all under control FOR him.
How about showing your husband this thread with answers from experienced people regarding caregiving for an elder with dementia . This caregiving will only get worse as grandma declines.
Your husband needs to look at the options for placing grandma.
His grandmother begins to pay for caregivers. Get that? HIS GRANDMOTHER pays for caregivers. Any assets that she has, any income that she has goes for her care. That pays for caregivers.
That also pays a portion of your household expenses. Your rent/mortgage, food, gas, electric, insurance and anything else.
Is there a POA? a person that is in charge of her finances or one that makes decisions for her health care? If not you, (your husband more accurately) may need to become her Guardian.
If no one is POA and you/your husband does not want to be her Guardian the Court will appoint a Guardian and she would become a Ward of the State.
When your husband is at home he MUST do ALL the caregiving for his grandma.
And you say that she is "independent with her hygiene" are you 100% sure about that? Is he ready to pitch in and change her soiled clothes? Clean her? Bathe her? All these tasks should fall on him. And do not let him back down because he is "male" and grandma is female and he would not feel right helping her. That is no excuse. If that is the way things worked there are a lot of women that would not be bathing and changing their dad's, grandpa's, and any other male member of the family.
Love & Duty. He did a swoop in to help. Heroic. He can add on being courageous enough to make changes: He can show his love for Grandma by helping her make LONG term plans for her life & care needs.
Sometimes talk will get this done.
Sometimes action.
Sit & chat about this with him. Ask what his views are. Point out that while you are married, you are separate people. If HE steps in to caregive, this is HIM. He cannot decide for YOU. A wife is not a two arm extention.
Sometimes a wife taking a weekend away gets this message through.
Grab some girlfriends & off you go!
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