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My grandma has serious problem. She lost her leg & has heart failure & is urinating everywhere! There’s nothing wrong with her mind at all she just physically broke down. She won’t shower correctly or let someone help her shower. She stays in one soaked depend all day & will continue to leak pee all over. She stays in the kitchen all day so our kitchen floor smells & is soiled. Even when we cook or are trying to clean she’ll park herself in the middle of the kitchen & insists she’s not in the way & won't move. Our whole house stinks! We can no longer have company over or breathe comfortably in our own home. We can’t say anything because it’s extremely disrespectful in her eyes. She goes in everyone else's personal space leaving pee there. We have carpet. She gets offended when we light candles or open widows. She is extremely rude & is convinced that we’re all going to hell. There’s no filter on what comes out of her mouth. She doesn’t have dementia or Alzheimer’s. Her doctors have given her orders of no soda & only one liter of fluids a day but she drinks a 2 liter soda & tea & juice & water everyday which is making her urine stronger. She refuses to get catheterized & her kidneys are about to shut down. We’ve lost all hope & basically our home. No one else will take her & she won’t go to a home.

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Why do you think she doesn't have dementia?

If she doesn't understand how serious renal failure is, it's sort of an indication that she's not thinking in a clear, rational way.
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There is something wrong if she is content to stay in soiled undergarments all day.
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Because it’s not that she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t care. She understand what’s going on. She’s very stubborn. She’s being stripped of her independence & she’s trying to hold on by refusing help! & she goes to the doctors at least 3 times a week. They tell her she needs stop using her wheel chair & do her breathing exercises but she just won’t do it. It’s so bad that she takes monthly trips to the hospital just be waited on hand & foot. She tell us that we are nothing but children & we need to stay in a child’s place. We gotten her tested for dementia & Alzheimer’s. There’s nothing wrong with her mind. She’s just lazy. She won’t even attempt to go the bathroom or clean herself up but won’t let anyone else do it.
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She’ll even hide the blood in her urine or the fact that she has gout because of the way she eats & drinks. We don’t enable her but we ask her friends not to as well but they pull the whole child card as well.
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Has she always shown signs of mental illness?

What sort of testing was done? (The fact that a person can name preident, knows their name an what date it is means that they are competent. It does NOT rule out dementia).

Why is she living with you?
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Her & my mom are in a home together. One of my properties not too far from myself but she can’t handle her on her own so I’m back & forth & she’s had testing done at the hospital they have specific wards set up they keep you for a week or so monitor everything & she did everything that she was supposed to on her own without being told. She’s been multiple times & they keep sending her back just to make sure I’m sure she’ll go again. But as I said it’s not that she’s doesn’t know or she mentally disabled. she doesn’t want to do it when she’s home with us.
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Certainly her mind is not "right" with the choices she is making. She has mental illness and/or early dementia. How thoroughly has she been evaluated? On the MMSE mother scored 28/30, but her decision making was not good, and after extensive testing it was found that she was in early vascular dementia. I hope you get some answers.
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She’s even had scans & blood work to rule out tumors or cancer. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her mentally. She’s sees specialist as well. It’s not mental. That has been ruled out several times. She’s honestly spoiled & stubborn & wont get out of her ways.
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She been extensively tested for years. Out of state as well. Everyone says that she’s fine because she is. She has heart failure so it is harder for her to do things gets tired & out of breath quickly so she gets scared to do things but she won’t except the help of others either.
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I beg to differ that there is nothing wrong with her mentally. Anyone who chooses to sit in their own waste for a day and goes into other people rooms to pee is not mentally healthy. Maybe she is angry about what is happening to her, but her response is very inappropriate. What specialist does she see? Has she been evaluated by a geri psychiatrist?
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She doesn’t go into other people room to pee. She sits in a wheel chair all day when she’s soaked it drips pee all over she’ll track that all over the house & she’ll go into the kids rooms just to be apart of what’s going on. She’s very nosey as well but that’s not an issue lol but she’ll go fold clothes & lay them in wet spot on her wheel chair & when we ask her not to she’ll do it anyway because we are children to her.
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F*** respect at this point. I'd tell her, ok, if we are children, then we can't possibly take care of you. If can get herself out of the house in case of a fire, leave and go stay at the other house a few days. You and your children can't live this way.
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I can't say whether she has dementia, but that behavior is definitely not consistent with good mental health!

You cannot control her actions. You cannot control her attitudes. But you can control your own behavior. So can your mother control hers.

Why are you cooking in a kitchen that smells of pee? Why are you tolerating total lack of respect? Why are you "asking" her not to put clean clothes on a surface covered with pee?

Where do you live?

I suppose it depends on how the ownership of the house is structured, but insist she not be discharged from the hospital into your care.
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We don’t cook in the kitchen while it’s soiled it gets cleaned but the smell is still there & she’s constantly in the kitchen if she not in my children’s room. If we all eat at the table she sits in the kitchen eats & when she has a phone conversation she’ll have it in the kitchen. We don’t tolerate lack of respect but if we say something she pull the child card & say we all would rather her die she minipulates like that. It doesn’t bother us because we know it’s just talk we don’t want her to go to a home but we have tried everything we can think of. We tell her repeatedly not to even go in the kids room or touch anything that doesn’t belong to her at all but she won’t listen. We will tell her to get out of the kitchen but she won’t. Im lost. Should we get physical when she’s being invasive or just remove her from the home. She thinks because she’s the oldest person in the home that she runs it & you can’t tell her what to do or when to clean herself up or anything because shes the oldest & we’re children & she’ll do it on her terms & not that terms of a child. When my daughters boyfriend visits she will insert herself in between them & wont move won’t let them talk about anything. No one is comfortable with visiting because she’s too outspoken especially with touchy subjects her other children won’t take her either. There is so much tension in the house.
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If the kids are up dancing mostly with head phones she gets upset & will make them sit down. They don’t make noises or jump around when they do this they do these hand dances I don’t know what it’s called. If they’re in the mirror doing makeup or fixing their hair she has an issue with that as well. It’s like she upset at the way her body is giving out on her she doesn’t want us to continue on with life but she also won’t take care of herself so her body doesn’t give out on her.
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"Should we get physical when she’s being invasive or just remove her from the home. "

Not sure what you mean by getting physical, but it does not sound like a good alternative to me. She feels that she can do what she wants, where she wants, and the needs of rest of you don't count.  She is trying to stop the children from normal activity. This is unhealthy for them.

Just remove her from the home. She is causing your home to be very unsanitary by dripping pee everywhere including the children's room. CPS might be interested in that. To me it is obvious that her choices, for whatever reason, are not compatible with any kind of normality in your home. My vote is to remove her to a facility whether she wants to go or not. There are ways to set that up so she can be moved even if she is not accepting of the idea. A home should not be sacrificed to the crazy demands of a senior. Good luck.
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I think it does bother you, otherwise you wouldn't be asking for help.
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Thanks for further details. I think you are operating under some delusions, yourself.

What you describe is NOT respectful behavior from your mother. If one of your children behaved as she is, and went into rooms you told them not to and inserted themselves into guest visits, and said things like "just because you are a mother doesn't make you a boss", would you consider that child respectful of you?

I'm sure you clean the kitchen often. But why should you have to repeatedly clean to remove a pee smell? Are you training a puppy? Potty training a toddler? Putting up with smelling pee for a limited time in pursuit of a greater good is fine, but permanently? Who does that willingly? Well, you and your mother do, I guess.

You are no longer a child. Your mother is not in charge of the house. She needs to be in a different environment.

I'm upset at the way my body is giving out on me. Some days more than others! But that does NOT give me the right to treat others disrespectfully or demand obedience from my adult children. (Ha! I'd like to try that once.) Interfere with how they are raising my awesome grandchildren? That wouldn't happen more than twice, I'm sure. Once to warn me and the second time to keep the kids away from me.

There is too much tension in the house!! You are certainly right about that.
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Move your mother out. Let Grandma, who has "nothing wrong with her" tar care of herself. "So sorry Grandma, but we can't live with you because of your unsanitary habits. We are unsafe here".

If there is really nothing wrong with her, she'll cope. Right?
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What I meant by physically remove her is by just simply pushing her in the wheel chair out of the way & the manipulation is what doesn’t bother us when she said we wanted her die is doesn’t bother us because that’s her way of throwing a “tantrum” In case I didn’t make that clear. I know she’ll cope. But she’s also talked her doctors into discharging her from care facilities which by the way racks up in bills (when she doesn’t follow through with her instructions, like rehab for when she couldn’t walk, they make her pay out of pocket for the things they’ve already done) but she won’t stop using the wheel chair that she’s not supposed to have which is why she sometimes can’t walk from poor circulation but anyway how do we stop her from discharging herself. They will let her just because of the money she’ll owe. I forgot to mention that we are the only ones up here (Michigan) The rest is in Tennessee so when she leaves she has no choice but to come here & we can’t force her on a plane but she can’t sit in a car for 12 hours either. Thank you everyone. I’ll have to talk to her doctor or someone about stoping her from making her own health decisions as far discharging herself.
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Move your mom out. They can't send her home if they know there is no one there to care for her.
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Who owns the house?
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I do but I’m only there part time I let my mom stay in it & she moved her mom in. I’m in another house not far from theirs but I check in on them & my home throughout the week. Stay a few nights let them see my kids.
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Your Mom moved her Mom in so it's up to her what she wants to do about Gma.
You mentioned that Gma has heart failure, Depending on the severity it greatly can reduce blood flow to the brain which can account for some of her malicious behavior. When she is in the hospital I am sure she is given her proper medications at the right times her heart is working better and therefor her brain functions more efficiently. There is no way someone could take care of themselves in a hospital but be unable to do so at home.
Did Gma come from another culture other than the US where the mother is the matriarch of the family and no one dares to cross her?
She is living in someone else's home , your mothers owned by you so it is up to your Mom not tolet her return next time she is admitted somewhere..
As long as she has not been declared incompetent she can make her own decisions and discharge herself but YOU and your MOM don't have to go and drive her home. refuse to pick her up. She is wheelchair dependent so can hardly call a cab or ride a bus. Make it very clear to the hospital that she is NOT coming home and has no where to go. they will give you a hard time and may get quite nasty but stand your ground.If they find her a bed at a homeless shelter so be it, she has brought this on herself. i don't know where you ive but if it is anywhere near a big city there should be a shelter.
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Oh my, as I read your post and all the responses I feel my blood pressure rise. Why would you let this woman ruin your house? Do you know how hard and expensive it is to remove the hazard of bodily fluids from your home? There is a reason that clean up crews wear personal protective equipment, body fluids are hazardous. I know this is grandma and mom moved her in but, this is your house, your investment not hers. When someone treats others the way she is treating you and your children you need to say enough. There is no good reason to allow a person to impinge on everyone's live in such a negative disgusting way. I would tell gramma that if I am a child then you need to be the adult and find your own house to pay for and do with as you choose but, not mine any longer. When she goes to the hospital tell them she has no safe place to be released to, let your mom know she to will be evicted from the house if she allows her mom back. Obviously she has mental issues or she would not be willing to sit in her own waste day after day, can you imagine the diaper rash going on in that filth? This will be the hardest thing you will probably ever face but, you need to show your children that there are consequences at all ages for bad choices and bad behavior. You are not a door mat or a pee pad to be so abused by this woman. Stand up to the hospital and your mom and say NO MORE, SHE HAS NO HOME TO COME BACK TO, PERIOD. Hospital will grouch and push trying to make you, reality is you DO NOT have to take her into your home, by law they can not force you and they will have to get a social worker involved and find a safe place to release her, ie nursing home, psychiatric hospital or? At this point what she wants or doesn't want has been forfeited by her dangerous, filthy behavior. Good luck and stay strong, no is very hard when dealing with this type of personality. You can do it 👍
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What is your mother's attitude toward her mother's behavior?
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My mom is at the point where she done fighting her but thank you all. I’m gonna have her removed from my home. If she doesn’t wanna go to facility then she’ll have to call another family member I’ve made my mom aware of what’s going on & if she’s uncomfortable with it then she’s welcome to leave too. Thank you again! Needed outside advice before making a decision. Didn’t wanna be overdramatic.
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Good choice ANinaC.
Everyone will benefit from having her gone and be healthier.

For whatever mental problem she has, her behavior is not right. If she doesn't have dementia, then there is another problem like mental illness. You can not suffer for her poor choices.
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