My grandparents live in their own home, and my grandfather has been caring for my grandmother with dementia for the past few years. He is very protective of the situation to outsiders, and wants to "vent" to the family but refuses to let us help or take our advice. In the past 6 months my grandmother's condition has become worse, and it is now taking a toll on my grandfathers health. She is verbally abusive due to her condition, will throw a tantrum if she does not get her way just like a child. She will not eat anything but cake, and wants to go shopping and will by baby clothes and toys weekly, sometimes she spends $100 on junk at goodwill. She is becoming more incontinent and has started having accidents outside of the house. My grandfather refuses to do anything to make her mad. We feel as though he is unable to care for her properly if he doesn't change how he deals with her behavior. We try to explain to him that even if she gets mad at him for not taking her to goodwill, she will forget soon. We even suggested that he tell her the store closed, or that she has already been out today but he will not "lie" to her. The house is very dirty, every surface is piled with trinkets, and has not been dusted or sanitized in years. Any time we try to help by doing house work she will get angry and my grandfather will make us stop. She has also left the house on her own several times and started walking down the road. The last time she did this she fell and broke her teeth, and bruised her face badly, The time before that a friendly stranger picked her up and returned her home (luckily). I believe it is time for a professional to intervene. I believe we need to have a social worker or something sent out to their house. I can't seem to find any information on who to contact from any local websites. I should also mention that my grandfather's behavior towards her has always been like this, as she was not a very nice person before the dementia set it. Any and all suggestions are appreciated. Thank you.
They were also a couple where one partner kept denying the other was "that bad". We tried as hard as we could to get them help. At the end of the day, we had to wait until the demented person had to be taken to the hospital. The hospital put her in rehab and that turned into a permanent placement. Once your grandmother is in a placement, they will have to make sure she is safe when she is discharged. This usually means she won't go back home.
The actual process of placing her was very stressful because you may not know which facilities are good and which aren't. Your family could start now by looking at the options you have locally for a care facility. We found that some of them had agreements with certain hospitals to accept patients from them. So, if you have a choice, you might be able to get your grandmother to the right ER and then into the facility you like.
It also helps to have an insurance that your preferred facility likes....and some money to pay for a while before Medicaid kicks in.
If your grandfather will cooperate, it would be good to have him meet with an elder care lawyer to get ready for a Medicaid application. Unless they are filthy rich, there is probably a Medicaid application in their future. It would be good to know how that works before it is actually needed.
It's hard to watch them decline and refuse to be helped. If they could start now making some choices, they would be better off. But most people wait till a crisis hits and then Life will make choices for them. And all we can do is stand by and watch.
Talk with your family to make sure your grandparents have Powers of Attorney (medical and financial) in place. If not, take them to a lawyer and have those documents drawn up. They should also have medical directives and wills in place as well.
Then take them to their doctor. Explain the behavior through your journal entries and pictures. It seems they are not competent to live in their home without constant help from others. The doctor can make the diagnosis of "mental incompetency:. The person(s) with the POAs can make arrangements for help" home health care aides, move in with family, or residential facility.
Maybe if he hears it from a perspective of 'his' health and well being he would allow some intervention. Some help to clean, cook or handle some of the tasks he tries to do for her.
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