Grandfather unable to care for Grandmother with dementia. Any suggestions?

I’d just like to make an comment about the approach to take with Grampa. He needs to vent but is not asking for help or suggestions. He wants to be heard. Listen to what his exact complaints are and respond in such a way that he realizes he is being heard. Don’t jump in and take all the control from him. Instead of trying to tell him what you think he should do, make him feel like he’s part of the team working on solutions. Backing him into a corner and telling him “my way or the highway” is just going to make him uncooperative.

It seems that your grandparents are not safe or healthy in their current living situation. Take pictures of their home. Keep a journal of events for a few days.

Talk with your family to make sure your grandparents have Powers of Attorney (medical and financial) in place. If not, take them to a lawyer and have those documents drawn up. They should also have medical directives and wills in place as well.

Then take them to their doctor. Explain the behavior through your journal entries and pictures. It seems they are not competent to live in their home without constant help from others. The doctor can make the diagnosis of "mental incompetency:. The person(s) with the POAs can make arrangements for help" home health care aides, move in with family, or residential facility.

More information is needed, BUT this way must change.

Mom has always said that the caretaker for an ill person often dies first from the stress. When my great-grandparents were in their 80’s grandma's health declined and grandpa was wearing himself out taking care of her. They had nine (9!) children but didn’t want to"be a bother" to them and wouldn’t ask for help. The children finally convince him to move into assisted living. Grandma died soon after but grandpa lived another 5 years, happily sneaking cigarettes and flirting with the nurses.

My heart goes out to you! It is a very frustrating time and heart breaking to watch loved ones struggle during aging decline. My mother died in March after suffering from Alzheimer's for many years. My 88yr. old father was her primary care giver and wouldn't have it any other way. My siblings and I had to tread lightly deciding when to "insist" on something and when to give Dad the dignity of making his own decisions.

My siblings and I started conversations with Dad, letting him know that we were concerned for their safety first and that we recognized the importance of Dad needing to care for Mom. My dad, like your grandad, did not want to relinquish care of Mom to anyone else and it is that generation that feels so responsible and dedicated to their loved ones. My parents were married 68 yrs.!

Unlike your grandmother, Mom was very funny, loving, and most of time cooperative. As dementia patients decline and they become more confused, even the simplest requests and needs can become a battle ground. Mom didn't want to bathe and resisted even the most basic hygiene care. When incontinence became a problem Dad was more concerned about not embarrassing Mom than any inconvenience to himself.

After she became wheelchair bound, had a hospital stay due to complications from diabetes (common in ALZ patients), and became too difficult for Dad to physically move we got hospice involved. They were wonderful and I urge you to contact hospice. Dementia patients qualify for long term hospice care. They provide a social worker, regular visits from a nurse and hospice doctor, a bath aide, and volunteers for various needs. Dad also agreed to hire a home care aide who had also worked as a hospital aide. These two decisions bought us a lot of time and enabled them to live in their home until they moved to assisted living residential care. Dad had to make that decision on his own. He had to come to the realization that he could no longer care for her safely and that his health was rapidly declining, mostly due to physical and mental stress.

Hospice was absolutely a lifeline for Dad. Please reach out to them for information on how they can assist both your grandad and grandmother. Also I would advise you and other family members to have compassion and patience with both of them. I know people on here are well-meaning. However, "insisting" on certain things, taking decisions away from your grandad could result in resentment or outright defiance. If he is of sound mind, (though he might be depressed or thinking more emotionally than rationally) he needs to be gently led to making better decisions.

Educate yourself and your grandad on the disease, have immediate family members involved and informed and make it a priority to work toward rational agreements for what is best for both of them. My dad insisted that he would not "put Mom somewhere" unless he went with her. We worked hard to make sure that happened.

Best wishes to you and know you aren't alone in this.

Maybe talk with him again alone and lay out what has happened so far - that you are concerned for his health, too. You might also tell him that if the problem escalates and she bumps or bruises herself or if she gets violent (and she might) that whatever story she tells authorities... if it reached that point.. is what they will have to go off of when they are there. She could seem quite coherent at the appropriate time and convince someone that he caused her injuries. I have personally seen that happen.

Maybe if he hears it from a perspective of 'his' health and well being he would allow some intervention. Some help to clean, cook or handle some of the tasks he tries to do for her.

First of all, either he really loves her or he is afraid of her tantrums and demands and so gives in to her. She is obviously mental, and I fear he is heading in the same direction based on conditions you mention. I would tell him in no uncertain terms, this is going to stop at once. He must get her a caretaker so he can take care of himself - what right does she have to destroy him, or you, and she will if allowed to get away with the crap. I would speak to an eldercare attorney for initial advice, as well as a doctor. Also check with the local library for agencies to contact. I don't know where you live but check out the local Office on Aging which is there to handle these issues. You will find the agencies and talk with them. I think it is time to place her whether she likes it or not. Also be sure you have a Power of Attorney - you will need it. If he refuses, then tell him you wash your hands - he is on his own. The scare might make him wise up.

Listen to Geaton, it’s sad that it’s come to this, but either grandpa agrees to help and changes or you get Adult Protective Services involved and they do it. This isn’t safe for him or grandma and must change. They are blessed to have family that cares and wants to help even if they can’t see it

Such a sad situation. She needs to be in a home that specializes in memory loss. And possibly they can share a room, if he wants to remain by her side. Contact a Place for Mom. They’re very helpful. You have to override what he thinks and do what’s best for both of them. Also make sure there’s some sort of power of attorney is in place, so that sane decisions can be made on their behalf. Make sure their primary care physician is present when you all present them with the change/move. The doctor will definitely be on your side. Good luck

In the county where my inlaws live, the Department of Aging had a Social worker who would come out and assess what services the people might need. She then could help them set it up.

They were also a couple where one partner kept denying the other was "that bad". We tried as hard as we could to get them help. At the end of the day, we had to wait until the demented person had to be taken to the hospital. The hospital put her in rehab and that turned into a permanent placement. Once your grandmother is in a placement, they will have to make sure she is safe when she is discharged. This usually means she won't go back home.

The actual process of placing her was very stressful because you may not know which facilities are good and which aren't. Your family could start now by looking at the options you have locally for a care facility. We found that some of them had agreements with certain hospitals to accept patients from them. So, if you have a choice, you might be able to get your grandmother to the right ER and then into the facility you like.

It also helps to have an insurance that your preferred facility likes....and some money to pay for a while before Medicaid kicks in.

If your grandfather will cooperate, it would be good to have him meet with an elder care lawyer to get ready for a Medicaid application. Unless they are filthy rich, there is probably a Medicaid application in their future. It would be good to know how that works before it is actually needed.

It's hard to watch them decline and refuse to be helped. If they could start now making some choices, they would be better off. But most people wait till a crisis hits and then Life will make choices for them. And all we can do is stand by and watch.

Baileybeec, more information would be helpful:

- is anyone the Power of Attorney for either of your grandparents? If yes, then that PoA can start acting and making decisions in this situation to protect and help the both of them.

- if grandparents have not assigned anyone PoA: it is too late for Gramma since she already has demonstrative dementia. Your parent will need to go to court to get guardianship of her.

Your parents need to sit down with your Grampa (alone, and only if he doesn't have cognitive problems himself) and explain that either he lets his family help him or APS will be called. If APS is called and they find your mom is being neglected (like her wandering and falling and having visible injuries), then they can get guardianship of her and remove her from his house and he won't have any control over it. They can put her in a facility that he doesn't choose, which could be far away from where he lives. OR he can assign your parent as his durable PoA, and not stand in the way of your parent getting guardianship of your Gramma and allowing family to help the both of them.

Please understand that his generation is terrified of nursing homes because they have terrible reputations (although many new ones are very, very nice and provide excellent care). Also, it may be a family culture that "assumes" family take care of family and no one ever gets outside help or goes into a NH.

In the end, your grandparents need more care than any one family can provide. Grampa no longer gets to have his way -- a care decision will be made one way or another - the question is, is he voluntarily involved in a realistic solution, or is he going to choose to have the county make the decisions. I wish your family all the best as they attempt to help them. Let us know how it goes!

Most states and counties and cities have Adult Protective Services who will check on people who are in adverse conditions. You have resources available to you. I’m so sorry this is happening to your grandparents and to you. God bless them.