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My boyfriend moved in with his grandpa last year to take care of him. We all thought it may be a temporary situation as it was 3 hours away. His grandfather is 92 and is wheelchair bound. We have tried to make the best of the situation and I drive there most weekends to be with him. However my boyfriend would like to come home once in awhile with his grandfather but he refuses to go which forces my boyfriend to be stuck as he cannot leave his grandpa alone. This is hard for us as i have responsibilities where i can't always leave to go three hours away. Caregivers are hard to find in his small town and if available are costly. I think that my boyfriend should force the issue but he does not. What are others thoughts?

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Hello,
I was dealing with a similar situation with my grandmother. What my husband and I decided to do was, tell her that the were coming to fumigate the house and that we all had to get out, we explained it was only for an hour and then we'll come right back. Although she gets very hesitant at first she goes with it. Once outside we'll walk around, or even take her for ice cream or a meal. It might sound silly and I know it can become overwhelming but it might just work like it did for us. I'm 24 and my husband 25 we've been caring for my grandmother (89) for 8 months so I know how difficult it can be.
Stay strong and, hope this helps.: )
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Could you please tell me how we can apply for this?
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Did you ever think of importing someone to look after GP? If he is a vet, he can draw about $1800 per month to go toward medical care that is not covered by insurance. Maybe someone who lives in a large city nearby would like to work weekends so BF could be "off duty". $1800 would cover that. Don't give up! Where there's a will, there's a way. If somebody would drive over to the house on Friday PM and leave Sunday PM and take $300 for GP sitting for 2 days that would not be unreasonable.
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lynne281, I know what you mean by no one else will take care of him, but that is not literally true. What if he didn't have a grandson?

What VA help has he applied for? Has he applied for/would he be eligible for Medicaid? If Grandpa has $5,000 a month he should use it for a care center. If he doesn't he should apply for Medicaid.

Your BF probably cannot force GP into a care center, but BF can certainly make his own decisions. He can decide that a year is all he can offer and that he is going to return to you. And once he makes this decision, then GP will have some tough reality to face.

BF's tough reality is he must choose between building and nurturing the relationship he has with you and continuing to take sole care of grandpa. You or Grandpa. Tough choices.

It is possible, of course, to combine the two. BF moves back with you and moves GP into a care center near you, so he is able to visit and advocate for the old guy. Sounds like a good solution to me, but if GP won't cooperate, tough choices must be made. (And why should GP be in any frame of mind to cooperate, when he has what he wants now?)
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On another note, yes I am VERY proud of my bf for what he has done for his grandpa. Before he left he told me that he wouldn't go of I didn't want him to. I could never do that and I didn't. I really do not mean to come off as selfish. I am sorry if that is how that appeared. I am a single mom and it is very difficult to leave every weekend to see him no matter how much I want to. It is a huge stress because my bf is in a small town where the only people he really knows are the therapists that come by once in awhile to check in. I might add that gf had a hip replacement last year and he has never really recovered from this. He has never regained his ability to walk again even with a walker.
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Yes we are in the USA and his grandpa is a WW 2 veteran but the VA does nothing! YES we are in a committed relationship but the circumstances are beginning to take its toll on us and i am really sad. We do not own a home tigether. We are in our early 40s. Getting someone to help is almost impossible or unaffordable. His grandpa pretty much refuses to leave his home.
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There is absolutely no one else willing to take care of him except for my boyfriend. That is the reason my boyfriend moved down there so to avoid putting him In a nursing home. A nursing would cost him around 5000 a month. My boyfriend really thought he was doing right by him. Now I Fear It Will Be The Demise Of Our RELATIONSHIP. :( they live in a as small town with little resources.
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Time is right now to find an assisted living community close to you.
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The problem here isn't that the grandfather won't go out. The problem is that the grandson needs someone else to help take care of him. Nobody can do this alone.
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First of all, I disagree with the assumption about your bf's age. My son was 26 when his grandmother was 92. We both had later in life children. I was born when Mother was 35 and my son was born when I was 30.
Kudos to your bf whatever his age, but the problem still exists. I always suggest checking care for caregivers. There are a wealth of potential caregivers all the way from live in to part time. Even in the small town, there's still the possibility they there will be just the right person. We LOVE our caregiver that we got. I could not find anybody except through agencies and they were EXPENSIVE and unsatisfactory. Give it a shot.
If you can't find anybody through them, check the local churches. Many have outreach programs and would be happy to have the opportunity to "witness" by helping out a family in need.
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What difference does it matter how old (or young) the grandson is??? My Dad is almost 88 and has a 20 year old grandson!!!
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Is Grandfather a veteran? There may be services available through the VA for him which can give you some relief.
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lynne281, a little more information would be helpful. Is your bf working at all? How old is he? Are you in a permanent committed relationship? Do you own a home together? Are you in the US? Does Grandfather have financial resources?

I commend BF and you for making the best of the situation. It is a generous and loving thing he has been doing for a year. For anybody to expect him to continue doing this indefinitely is not realistic. If GF cannot be left alone at all, then there needs to be some additional in-home help, at the very least. And at some point it may be necessary and/or best for GF to be where there is professional care available around the clock. I know that small towns often lack the resources of a large city, but there are still options available.

Please let us know if you are in US and other details about the situation. We'd like to offer more specific suggestions.
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First of all, I am now 70, my mom is 94, and I became her full-time caregiver two years ago this November. By the way the grandson (your boyfriend) is probably in his 40s, so this is also the prime of his life. This is among the most difficult of situations. You might inquire FIRST about your community's senior day care center. Most towns have one. They are free or based upon donations--maybe just $3 or $4. Meals-on-Wheels provides one or two meals daily for a SUGGESTED donation of $4 per meal. I was getting my mom one meal 5 day per week and generally donated $75 per week. I hired a lady at $12 per hour to come once each week to bathe and sit with my mom. I am fearful about bathing mom as she is VERY fragile. Now I fear she needs to be in assisted living, as I have to go back to work and she cannot be left alone all day -- or at all. If you go to assisted living, then the place will take the g/pa's soc. sec. and other benefits in order to cover costs. If there is a greater charge than the money g/pa has, there is generally a Medicaid situation. It is not ideal, but sometimes there is not much of a choice. I am going to do my best to have mom remain in a caring, safe, happy place for as long as possible. THIS IS A SACRIFICE, no matter how you look at it. But in the end, you will both be happy to have done this. You and your b.f. are really able to handle this. I mean, gee, the g/pa is of the generation that was away at war for up to a year at a time...with no computers, or FaceTime or e-mail. The loved ones managed to cope with all of it, including war work, victory gardens, and rationing.
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God Bless the Grand son is what I say, and you should be looking at what he is doing instead of how it interferes with your life. He is a good man to take on such a large challenge, it is selfless really. People do get afraid when they get older and how blessed is the grandfather to have someone to regard him, I think you need to redirect you question to how can I help my wonderful boyfriend. Laugh a lot than cry
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It is difficult to make a recommendation without knowing the personality or medical history of the grandfather. But, generally speaking, most people in their 90s that have a mobility issues are very much afraid but may not say so or even know how to say so. If he is somewhat cognitive, maybe a discussion can be had with him about what fears he may have? It is also not out of the question to fake him out a bit and take him out to a favorite soup and sandwich place to see whether a smaller outing (as opposed to a three hour drive) would work. Because there is an eventual decline to childlike behaviors (depending on condition, age, etc.) then it needs to be looked at in a whole different way. I hope that helps. If you really care about the boyfriend, you will give him the support he needs to care for a grandfather that will not be with him much longer. God bless him for stepping up to the responsibility!
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I take care of my 98 year old Dad and believe me I know what your talking about. It is really quite healthy for them to get out and see new things and do new things but getting them to do so is not so easy. My Dad is still quite capable. He uses a walker, not a wheel chair and is still in his right mind thank God. But, getting him to go out is like moving a mountain. He is afraid he is going to mess his pants, or pee his pants. He is afraid of falling down and ending up in a nursing home. The last one really scares him because this has happened to almost all of his friends. I don't push any more, because at this age I feel he deserves to do exactly what he wants. I know this is hard on you but try to remember that what your boyfriend is doing is a kind and honorable thing, you are blessed to have such a man in your life. Is it possible for you to relocate some place closer? If not then I would try to find someone to stay with grandpa for a weekend once in a while. Check his insurance and see if it covers in home care. I hope you find a solution but remember this is his family and you have to respect their wishes.
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I am suggesting this as I have been there done that when working..the wheelchair is very very ominous ...try getting some temporary aide in to take over when you and your boyfriend cannot be there.I am sure there are nursing employment agencies in your area.Try hiring a mini van ,a medical transport mini van equipped with a lift so he can come and go as he pleases.At 92 this is a scarey mountain indeed.Regarding the current housing set-up for the gentleman..are there stairs involved? If a house there are plans at home improvement stores for ramps...He in an upstairs apartment? There has to be an elevator for the elderly...good luck and take into consideration how scary this must be
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Well, I meant to say, ENCOURAGE grandfather to go for a ride. Forcing at 92 yrs. might tear fragile skin, and depending upon his unwillingness to go, might cause further injury. Also, does your boyfriend have POA?
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I had a similar situation with my mom. But it wasn't because she didn't want to go out. It was because she was wheel chair bound and I couldn't get her in and out of my SUV. With some excersises we have been able to strengthen her to just stand and I am now able to manuver her to get into the car and now we can go out for an afternoon at the mall. Now my mother-in-law was healthy but refused to go out AT ALL. So in order to get her out of the house I had to tell her she had a Dr.'s appt. Once I got her in the car, then We went where ever and she was happy to see the sites and be outside her house.
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Your boyfriend will need some help - caregiver or other family members.

You cannot FORCE the grandfather to go out.
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At 92 yrs. this "boyfriend" must be in his 60s or 70s to have a grandfather that old (or is he that old?) If he is in a wheelchair, he can be lifted into a car and driven anywhere without his consent and he may even enjoy the ride. If that doesn't work, find another boyfriend, don't see him as often, or stick with the same routine. This all depends on what you are willing to cope with and how long you want to do this.
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That's a tough one, and Id be asking WHY, is it the 3hr drive, for an elder person to move away from the place that they know becomes confusing and stressful. Add the wheelchair restrictions and his physical needs, means its a real mountain.
Yes you are young and entitled to a life, are there no other relatives that can take their turn in the responsibility of seeing to grandpa. OR is there a way that you could buddy up with someone else and your b/f 'babysit their elder, and they then care for g/pa the following week/month. It is important for you all to have a break. I hope someone has an answer for you
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