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Well, it happened, sil and I bickered, and if was in front of my fil at the hospital, I really regret it too. We had gone to visit the rehab options. I like A and B was the one all the nurses were advising (found out the hospital just began a contract with them) A and B both came and talked to him and us. But, B came back 3 more times just to "check" on him. To me it felt pushy, like a salesmen. The director of it even called to "update" me on his health since I wasn't there.
B notified us that discharge nurse said fil had picked them. None of us knew about that! Next day I went to visit and of course sil is there too. (several doctors and nurses thought she was his wife, since she is there 25/7) My husband and I wanted to know why he picked B. He said because he talked them and liked them. SIL said "I didn't see any difference in them." I replied "Really? I did." she said "Really, you did, like what?". So, I started pointing out the differences. Bigger rooms, separate dining hall, menu a la carte, more visiting rooms, homier decor etc.. She rolled her eyes and said I thought they were the same. I said I didn't think so. She said "Well, we know you are pushing A." I said "You asked me what the differences were so I was telling you." she said Tell him, I was getting huffy, it didn't matter to her where he went etc.. I just replied "You asked me what I saw was different." My fil said "Hey, stop this, it's about me" and was starting at me, so I got up and left.
My husband talked to him! I couldn't believe it. Told him he should have heard both options, otherwise, why did we tour them. Fil said I was trying to push A, hubby said no, she wanted to make sure you knew there was options. Said he thought sil was hovering to much and for 3 years we did fine taking care of them and now sil is acting like she is the only one that can. Fil said yes, but your wife doesn't get up until 9 or 10:00. Hubby said no she gets up at 5:30 with me. Hubby that just shows, he want and is loving the company of sil being there all the time. But, he asked him what are you going to do when she goes home dad? When your in rehab and she isn't there all the time? Sil has manipulated him into believing only she can take care of him, denies that she cared if the doctor called her or not, when that was upsetting her so much, when they called me. I want to see fil, but not sure if I'm even wanted around, seeing how they fil and sil believe I am being pushy. If anything, I've been walking on eggshells. Like my husband says, once she leaves, we are still here. I don't want to go visit and check on him, but I do. By the way she lives another state has husband, daughters and grandchildren and has been up here for 4 weeks straight. Never once going home. Is that not smothering? It's not like he is terminal. They are trying to get INR straightened out before the transfer him. I feel like cutting everyone off and stopping my stress before I go crazy. If she wants to deal with everything, fine let her.

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Apologize. Let you fil pick where he wants to live. Don't be the person who brings drama and strife into family matters. Be an instrument of peace. And did I say, apologize!
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Very confusing story, picked them? As what, POA, or a place to live. Let your FIL choose whatever he wants, its his life. Sit back and let her deal,seriously. You can visit and be there without the hassle. Unless there is a motive, she sounds like a wonderful person always being there for him.Let it go , your FIL doesnt need this stress any more than you do. Being in charge or the caregiver is no picnic believe me, you'll be better off in the looooong run!
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This is her dad I am assuming. Back off and let your husband, his son, deal with it. I would never have been so intrusive. I think an apology would go a long way and mend fences. I just have this rule of thumb that I take care of my family and my husband his. That way not so many "cooks in the kitchen" so to speak.

I don't mean to be critical of you and your love for the fil but you are not his child and unless he specifically asks for your help, just stay out of it.
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Wow, these answers are even making me uncomfortable. Yes, you should apologize, but I heartily disagree with those who say he's not your father. You have been having this man living in your home, I think, or at the very least been his caregiver in some capacity. Knowing women as I do, I'm sure you have borne the burden equally if not more than his son. I think your opinion matters very much, and I could not be more opposed to anyone saying you have no right to input because he's not your father. Been there and as one of the caregivers who was intimately connected, even as an 'in-law', I knew much about how the sick person would react to surroundings and people and my ability to advocate for them. So if you can, yes, apologize for losing your temper. But it is very clear to me that you only wanted what was best for FIL.
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I told her I am sorry, I was just thinking of her dad, and my intentions were only good and didn't mean to upset her. she said "oh don't worry about it, I don't know what happened. Then told me what was going on with my fil. As I said. I'm now staying out all decisions. I will visit him, with my husband, get him groceries as he ask, but, not going up and beyond and not decisions anymore. That will be up to her and my husband. If fil or husband ask, I will refer them to sil. That way, I'm not overstepping. I just don't want and can't handle the stress. Their family hides emotions, there is no talking, so I knew there would be "saying her piece" as I said before, I tried talking to her before and got nowhere. My family was raised to express how you feel, say I love you hugs and kisses. Theirs was the opposite. I think it's best for everyone, especially fil, sil and husband, if I stay out of it and let them do what they do best. I've come to accept that now.
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Just my quick two cents - hDiscuss your opinions with your husband and then let him filter that to tell HIS dad what you both think.... I hate to be in a room where there are too many opinions, you can't listen to everyone at once, and you want to be respectful, but it gets overwhelming, and particularly when aging and when dignity is involved, too many opinions can be very stressful. You are to be commended for your intentions, but your follow thru needs to be filtered through the father's child, not you as an in-law. At least from what I know of the situation, which is respectfully, very little, I know.
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I see this as you not being able to let go and let someone else do the decisions that you and your hubby have done for a long time. Let FIL and SIL make the choices for his future care. If something goes sour with their choice, then be gracious and helpful and not "I told you so" in your comments. For now, apologize for any harsh words and back off.
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I just stepped out of it. I let her take over. She'll be going be home soon. Her husband had a CAT scan done, he has 82 percent oxygen, fil is in rehab now, surely she'll go home to her family!! Husband did ask for the check book so I can do fil taxes. She wanted to know why he wanted it and was reluctant to give it to him(she had it, husband is the only child able to write checks on that account). And, when she leaves husband is going to check who is ER contact number, and make sure it is him. Otherwise, I'm out of it. I'll visit, but that is it. She wants to be caregiver and in charge, I gladly hand it over to her. I'm to weary to fight. I've said sorry and everyone is happy now.
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Good for you Sweet!
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At his bank, fil and husband had to go in and sign signature card. Unless they have had it done prior and just didn't tell us... Either way, it's not my problem, it's my husbands now.
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