Got into a spat with SIL, how do I fix it?

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Well, it happened, sil and I bickered, and if was in front of my fil at the hospital, I really regret it too. We had gone to visit the rehab options. I like A and B was the one all the nurses were advising (found out the hospital just began a contract with them) A and B both came and talked to him and us. But, B came back 3 more times just to "check" on him. To me it felt pushy, like a salesmen. The director of it even called to "update" me on his health since I wasn't there.
B notified us that discharge nurse said fil had picked them. None of us knew about that! Next day I went to visit and of course sil is there too. (several doctors and nurses thought she was his wife, since she is there 25/7) My husband and I wanted to know why he picked B. He said because he talked them and liked them. SIL said "I didn't see any difference in them." I replied "Really? I did." she said "Really, you did, like what?". So, I started pointing out the differences. Bigger rooms, separate dining hall, menu a la carte, more visiting rooms, homier decor etc.. She rolled her eyes and said I thought they were the same. I said I didn't think so. She said "Well, we know you are pushing A." I said "You asked me what the differences were so I was telling you." she said Tell him, I was getting huffy, it didn't matter to her where he went etc.. I just replied "You asked me what I saw was different." My fil said "Hey, stop this, it's about me" and was starting at me, so I got up and left.
My husband talked to him! I couldn't believe it. Told him he should have heard both options, otherwise, why did we tour them. Fil said I was trying to push A, hubby said no, she wanted to make sure you knew there was options. Said he thought sil was hovering to much and for 3 years we did fine taking care of them and now sil is acting like she is the only one that can. Fil said yes, but your wife doesn't get up until 9 or 10:00. Hubby said no she gets up at 5:30 with me. Hubby that just shows, he want and is loving the company of sil being there all the time. But, he asked him what are you going to do when she goes home dad? When your in rehab and she isn't there all the time? Sil has manipulated him into believing only she can take care of him, denies that she cared if the doctor called her or not, when that was upsetting her so much, when they called me. I want to see fil, but not sure if I'm even wanted around, seeing how they fil and sil believe I am being pushy. If anything, I've been walking on eggshells. Like my husband says, once she leaves, we are still here. I don't want to go visit and check on him, but I do. By the way she lives another state has husband, daughters and grandchildren and has been up here for 4 weeks straight. Never once going home. Is that not smothering? It's not like he is terminal. They are trying to get INR straightened out before the transfer him. I feel like cutting everyone off and stopping my stress before I go crazy. If she wants to deal with everything, fine let her.

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At his bank, fil and husband had to go in and sign signature card. Unless they have had it done prior and just didn't tell us... Either way, it's not my problem, it's my husbands now.
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Sweetness: good for you. Are you sure sil did not go to the bank and get her name put on the checking account - all it would take is a signed piece of paper from FIL. Since she had the checkbook and hesitated to give it up...I hope for your husband's sake she did not do what I think she might have. But if she changed the ER #, nothing would stop her from taking care of the checkbook too and all his assets. I've been down that road, was totally blindsided by sibling actions. Can't be too careful and sometimes suspicious thoughts become reality. Bless you and good advice to yourself to stay out of it as much as you can. Hugs.
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I just feel bad for my fil. He is used to someone being around 24/7. When she goes home, he will miss that I know. She thinks she was helping, but, she doesn't see how it will hurt him, when she is gone. But, hopefully, rehab will help him learn to be more independent, and maybe even make new friends! She has been at the hospital from 8:00 in the morning till 9:00 at night, everyday, for 5 weeks. Which I would think is admirable, but, for him, it makes him dependent on someone being around all the time, doing things for him, like his wife used to. Like somebody said on here, I think it reminds him of the good times he is missing with her. I look on the bright side, I'm really hoping he makes friends. And, when he does get out of there, I'm taking him to the Senior Center, if he wants to go, and he can see what that place is about too! Thank all of you for your input it really did help. Glad I found this place!!
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Good for you Sweet!
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I just stepped out of it. I let her take over. She'll be going be home soon. Her husband had a CAT scan done, he has 82 percent oxygen, fil is in rehab now, surely she'll go home to her family!! Husband did ask for the check book so I can do fil taxes. She wanted to know why he wanted it and was reluctant to give it to him(she had it, husband is the only child able to write checks on that account). And, when she leaves husband is going to check who is ER contact number, and make sure it is him. Otherwise, I'm out of it. I'll visit, but that is it. She wants to be caregiver and in charge, I gladly hand it over to her. I'm to weary to fight. I've said sorry and everyone is happy now.
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Just my quick two cents - hDiscuss your opinions with your husband and then let him filter that to tell HIS dad what you both think.... I hate to be in a room where there are too many opinions, you can't listen to everyone at once, and you want to be respectful, but it gets overwhelming, and particularly when aging and when dignity is involved, too many opinions can be very stressful. You are to be commended for your intentions, but your follow thru needs to be filtered through the father's child, not you as an in-law. At least from what I know of the situation, which is respectfully, very little, I know.
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Dtrinlaw, I'm so sorry. I just don't understand how it is so hard to stand your ground. I know my husband and I were raised different, but my gosh it's his father to and he told me tonight, he is just going to let it go EXCEPT, he is going to change ER contact number back to him. He won't though, because that would require him to pick up a phone, and he doesn't do that either. Maybe they are brothers from another mother. I wish you luck, Dtrinlaw.
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Dtrinlaw, For God's sake, call APS on these nuts!!!!!
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Oh sweetness I think we are married to the same man! I have been caring for terminal FIL, I'm done . after multiple arguments with sil who stopped in to check on him daily when he was in much better shape & being critized and ignored while his daughters spent a month in Paris , not being allowed to give pain meds that were prescribed by hospice MD, spending nights rubbing hids back , sitting with him trying to calm him when he was agitated and starting to love him very much, I'm leaving my husband & going back to my hometown I am an RN & I've ever ever denied care to a patient like I'm denying care to my FIL his children won't allow any pain meds hospice has even sent psychologists to talk to them but they refuse because " God has lessons for us all" what the lesson of needless suffering is I'll never know I can't take watching this and I've had two screaming begging arguments it didn't change anything so my husband will continue to try to care for him & I'm moving 2000 miles away & will be with my family & my marriage is over. I still love both my husband & FIL but I can't do it anymore & he won't stand up to them & I refuse to watch FIL suffer any longer. My advise is be careful don't get in too dee or you'll be in my position. Thank you to everyone here who helped e so much and good bye and good luck
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Sorry, he has never stood up for us, but I guess in a way he did, butterflykisses. He did tell his dad that I was only trying to help, and that he thought his sister was being overbearing. That is big for him. I think she is just feeling lots of guilt for not being there those three years. Husband just told me sil husband who they thought had pneumonia now, doctor is sure and is having to have CAT scan done. I can't understand why she wouldn't want to be there with HIM. Fil is in a hospital and being treated. She told her husband she wanted to stay and take care of her dad if he didn't mind. But she isn't the hospital is, just sounds crazy to me. Finance was I don't she is after anything. We thought is was strange to her referring to fil as hubby, even joking. But, I almost feel relieve now. Husband is a little upset. He knows now more falls on his shoulders. But, his remarks to me today "You started a conflict that now I am in the middle of, and I don't like conflict, even though it's now your fault and I asked you say something to him about how he decide on that rehab." If he going to to blame me to, I don't need the stress at home too. He wouldn't even talk to me yesterday evening, went straight to the garage and drank, because he was all stressed out, due to this "conflict". So, it's solved now, I said sorry, and I'm staying out of decisions now. Thank you for understanding what I'm going through, I so appreciate it. So tired of being tired.
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