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Well, it happened, sil and I bickered, and if was in front of my fil at the hospital, I really regret it too. We had gone to visit the rehab options. I like A and B was the one all the nurses were advising (found out the hospital just began a contract with them) A and B both came and talked to him and us. But, B came back 3 more times just to "check" on him. To me it felt pushy, like a salesmen. The director of it even called to "update" me on his health since I wasn't there.
B notified us that discharge nurse said fil had picked them. None of us knew about that! Next day I went to visit and of course sil is there too. (several doctors and nurses thought she was his wife, since she is there 25/7) My husband and I wanted to know why he picked B. He said because he talked them and liked them. SIL said "I didn't see any difference in them." I replied "Really? I did." she said "Really, you did, like what?". So, I started pointing out the differences. Bigger rooms, separate dining hall, menu a la carte, more visiting rooms, homier decor etc.. She rolled her eyes and said I thought they were the same. I said I didn't think so. She said "Well, we know you are pushing A." I said "You asked me what the differences were so I was telling you." she said Tell him, I was getting huffy, it didn't matter to her where he went etc.. I just replied "You asked me what I saw was different." My fil said "Hey, stop this, it's about me" and was starting at me, so I got up and left.
My husband talked to him! I couldn't believe it. Told him he should have heard both options, otherwise, why did we tour them. Fil said I was trying to push A, hubby said no, she wanted to make sure you knew there was options. Said he thought sil was hovering to much and for 3 years we did fine taking care of them and now sil is acting like she is the only one that can. Fil said yes, but your wife doesn't get up until 9 or 10:00. Hubby said no she gets up at 5:30 with me. Hubby that just shows, he want and is loving the company of sil being there all the time. But, he asked him what are you going to do when she goes home dad? When your in rehab and she isn't there all the time? Sil has manipulated him into believing only she can take care of him, denies that she cared if the doctor called her or not, when that was upsetting her so much, when they called me. I want to see fil, but not sure if I'm even wanted around, seeing how they fil and sil believe I am being pushy. If anything, I've been walking on eggshells. Like my husband says, once she leaves, we are still here. I don't want to go visit and check on him, but I do. By the way she lives another state has husband, daughters and grandchildren and has been up here for 4 weeks straight. Never once going home. Is that not smothering? It's not like he is terminal. They are trying to get INR straightened out before the transfer him. I feel like cutting everyone off and stopping my stress before I go crazy. If she wants to deal with everything, fine let her.

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At his bank, fil and husband had to go in and sign signature card. Unless they have had it done prior and just didn't tell us... Either way, it's not my problem, it's my husbands now.
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Sweetness: good for you. Are you sure sil did not go to the bank and get her name put on the checking account - all it would take is a signed piece of paper from FIL. Since she had the checkbook and hesitated to give it up...I hope for your husband's sake she did not do what I think she might have. But if she changed the ER #, nothing would stop her from taking care of the checkbook too and all his assets. I've been down that road, was totally blindsided by sibling actions. Can't be too careful and sometimes suspicious thoughts become reality. Bless you and good advice to yourself to stay out of it as much as you can. Hugs.
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I just feel bad for my fil. He is used to someone being around 24/7. When she goes home, he will miss that I know. She thinks she was helping, but, she doesn't see how it will hurt him, when she is gone. But, hopefully, rehab will help him learn to be more independent, and maybe even make new friends! She has been at the hospital from 8:00 in the morning till 9:00 at night, everyday, for 5 weeks. Which I would think is admirable, but, for him, it makes him dependent on someone being around all the time, doing things for him, like his wife used to. Like somebody said on here, I think it reminds him of the good times he is missing with her. I look on the bright side, I'm really hoping he makes friends. And, when he does get out of there, I'm taking him to the Senior Center, if he wants to go, and he can see what that place is about too! Thank all of you for your input it really did help. Glad I found this place!!
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Good for you Sweet!
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I just stepped out of it. I let her take over. She'll be going be home soon. Her husband had a CAT scan done, he has 82 percent oxygen, fil is in rehab now, surely she'll go home to her family!! Husband did ask for the check book so I can do fil taxes. She wanted to know why he wanted it and was reluctant to give it to him(she had it, husband is the only child able to write checks on that account). And, when she leaves husband is going to check who is ER contact number, and make sure it is him. Otherwise, I'm out of it. I'll visit, but that is it. She wants to be caregiver and in charge, I gladly hand it over to her. I'm to weary to fight. I've said sorry and everyone is happy now.
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Just my quick two cents - hDiscuss your opinions with your husband and then let him filter that to tell HIS dad what you both think.... I hate to be in a room where there are too many opinions, you can't listen to everyone at once, and you want to be respectful, but it gets overwhelming, and particularly when aging and when dignity is involved, too many opinions can be very stressful. You are to be commended for your intentions, but your follow thru needs to be filtered through the father's child, not you as an in-law. At least from what I know of the situation, which is respectfully, very little, I know.
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Dtrinlaw, I'm so sorry. I just don't understand how it is so hard to stand your ground. I know my husband and I were raised different, but my gosh it's his father to and he told me tonight, he is just going to let it go EXCEPT, he is going to change ER contact number back to him. He won't though, because that would require him to pick up a phone, and he doesn't do that either. Maybe they are brothers from another mother. I wish you luck, Dtrinlaw.
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Dtrinlaw, For God's sake, call APS on these nuts!!!!!
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Oh sweetness I think we are married to the same man! I have been caring for terminal FIL, I'm done . after multiple arguments with sil who stopped in to check on him daily when he was in much better shape & being critized and ignored while his daughters spent a month in Paris , not being allowed to give pain meds that were prescribed by hospice MD, spending nights rubbing hids back , sitting with him trying to calm him when he was agitated and starting to love him very much, I'm leaving my husband & going back to my hometown I am an RN & I've ever ever denied care to a patient like I'm denying care to my FIL his children won't allow any pain meds hospice has even sent psychologists to talk to them but they refuse because " God has lessons for us all" what the lesson of needless suffering is I'll never know I can't take watching this and I've had two screaming begging arguments it didn't change anything so my husband will continue to try to care for him & I'm moving 2000 miles away & will be with my family & my marriage is over. I still love both my husband & FIL but I can't do it anymore & he won't stand up to them & I refuse to watch FIL suffer any longer. My advise is be careful don't get in too dee or you'll be in my position. Thank you to everyone here who helped e so much and good bye and good luck
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Sorry, he has never stood up for us, but I guess in a way he did, butterflykisses. He did tell his dad that I was only trying to help, and that he thought his sister was being overbearing. That is big for him. I think she is just feeling lots of guilt for not being there those three years. Husband just told me sil husband who they thought had pneumonia now, doctor is sure and is having to have CAT scan done. I can't understand why she wouldn't want to be there with HIM. Fil is in a hospital and being treated. She told her husband she wanted to stay and take care of her dad if he didn't mind. But she isn't the hospital is, just sounds crazy to me. Finance was I don't she is after anything. We thought is was strange to her referring to fil as hubby, even joking. But, I almost feel relieve now. Husband is a little upset. He knows now more falls on his shoulders. But, his remarks to me today "You started a conflict that now I am in the middle of, and I don't like conflict, even though it's now your fault and I asked you say something to him about how he decide on that rehab." If he going to to blame me to, I don't need the stress at home too. He wouldn't even talk to me yesterday evening, went straight to the garage and drank, because he was all stressed out, due to this "conflict". So, it's solved now, I said sorry, and I'm staying out of decisions now. Thank you for understanding what I'm going through, I so appreciate it. So tired of being tired.
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Sweetness, I feel really sore on your behalf. You and your husband took good care of your FIL for three years and this is the thanks you get? This kind of reception for your honest opinion of his options? Phewf. Bit rich, I think.

But then again, you said it yourself: she wants to take care of him? Fine, let her. Look: for one thing, she is his actual daughter; and however great you've been, and however lackadaisical she has been, actual blood relative comes first in love. So how about you give yourself huge credit for everything you've already done, and now take a break from the stress and responsibility? Her turn.

And don't worry about the bickering in public. Everybody does it under stress. Least said, soonest mended. Let your FIL settle into his choice of rehab (no pressure there then, eh?!), visit him as much as you might have done anyway, and enjoy your new found freedom. Best of luck x
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Sweetness: you are taking the high road. Only two siblings who can't figure it out with Dad - my oh my. There is definitely a control problem here. Is there a big estate at stake? Is Dad of sound mind? Why does he need rehab? SIL should be glad you guys are close by and willing to take on the "local caregiving". She had no business taking brother's name off the ER list. Is SIL jealous of her brother's relationship with Dad? In your post you did say your husband did stand up for you, in this last post you said he has never stood up for you or your kids - which is it? He is NO HELP - your words. SIL telling a nurse he is her husband - that shows an unhealthy attachment to her Dad.
Not questioning as much as liking to clear a few things up for this post so you get good advice and caring. This site is great and folks here are helpful.
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Sweetness, I think you are doing a great job, recognizing they are a different kind of family. I have to add that my family never said I love you or hugged, until we learned how to do that from watching my husband's more loving family.

So, keep your spirits up. I bet they are learning from you, slowly, even though it may not show yet.
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I told her I am sorry, I was just thinking of her dad, and my intentions were only good and didn't mean to upset her. she said "oh don't worry about it, I don't know what happened. Then told me what was going on with my fil. As I said. I'm now staying out all decisions. I will visit him, with my husband, get him groceries as he ask, but, not going up and beyond and not decisions anymore. That will be up to her and my husband. If fil or husband ask, I will refer them to sil. That way, I'm not overstepping. I just don't want and can't handle the stress. Their family hides emotions, there is no talking, so I knew there would be "saying her piece" as I said before, I tried talking to her before and got nowhere. My family was raised to express how you feel, say I love you hugs and kisses. Theirs was the opposite. I think it's best for everyone, especially fil, sil and husband, if I stay out of it and let them do what they do best. I've come to accept that now.
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Start by saying you are sorry for what happened. This is a very challenging time for all and there are so many sensitive emotions. It is difficult for everyone and no one knows what additional challenges the future will bring.

Say your intentions are coming from a place of "kindness" and that if for some reason what you said didn't come across that way you apologize.

Let your SIL know that it is your hope that at the end of all of this, you two will be closer than ever, rather than farther apart.

Be quiet and let her say her piece. Listen to her. Let her speak.

Try to find common ground, but keep going back to the two principles.

1. You are trying to be kind and
2. you hope you two will come out of this closer than before.
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Moxie, first you say she may feeling I'm intruding, then you say give her a book and especially one that is titled Eldercare for Dummies?? Which is it?

Logical her being 2 hours away, and we being 10 mins away, we should be ER contact. But, I have dropped it. When she told us what she did, neither of us said anything. Neither one of them will get POA, because they see their father as larger then life, and can't except reality. But, again, I'm staying out of it. I will go visit him, I have already apologized to her, well got her voice mail, but I will reiterate when I see her. And, I will to him too. I am sorry for upsetting them. But, that's it, I'm tired of it all. I will visit, if he needs something and she isn't there I will do my best to provide, but from now on, I am not putting myself into a position where I can be told I am being pushy, overstepping boundaries etc... as it was said, if she wants to be primary caregiver, she can, I don't mind. I was thinking of him, and how he will be once she goes back home. But, she and my husband has to deal with that, not me.
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Even though your love your FIL, he still is not your father. That's the difference here and why the SIL feels like your are intruding on her relationship with her father. SIL wants to be the emergency contact, so be it. She is creating more work and responsibility for herself. OK. Let her.

Also it is a bad mistake for neither sibling to have POA, but you shouldn't get involved in that other than to tell your husband it is advisable for him or his sister to have POA because your involvement, not being a blood relative, could cause a huge family rift. I'm not sure why your husband doesn't know how to take action or why your SIL doesn't ask the right questions. Maybe you could help both of them without a confrontation by giving them a book such as "How to Care for Aging Parents" or "Eldercare for Dummies."
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I have no idea what you are talking about with A and B. Just apologize no matter what because you regret whatever was said.
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Sometimes, you just can't win... no matter what (even when you apologize). I wish all people knew that 'no one' is perfect and that we 'humans' are trying to do the best we can... You tried to help... My SIL hasn't talked to me in years...
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Nobody has POA. My husband's name is added to his checkbook, they already told him he is given almost everything is their will.( When he was in the hospital in Oct, I was with him all afternoon, then my husband and I went over and I insisted on taking him to ER. He stayed in hospital for 2 weeks then. My husband just stood there, not knowing what to do. This last time, my sil asked my husband which ER should she take him to, he asked me and I told him which one,) We spoke to him about it, I even called a lawyer. But, somehow it got put off. I don't know how she did. The nurses knew who she was, because they all thought she was rude. We all are named on his hippa, but that is all. And as I said before, He has got to the point where he didn't even believe us, when we told him where to go to get his INR done. He HAD to call sil first and make sure, she was back at home then. I explained to her about that, and she just smiled. I told her "What if he needs to go to ER and he says he wants to talk to you first?" she said "SO call me and I'll tell him to go". He didn't used to be so dependent on her, he would make up his own mind. He has changed. That is what worries me. When he goes to rehab, I know she will be on the ER contact number, when here we live in town, that is just to much control,.
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Sweetness, does anyone have POA or designated to make medical decisions? The person who handles the medication, as there will be adjustments should be receiving the calls about the INR's. How was she able to have info in your father's chart changed? I too am the DIL. If you read my profile, you will see I understand what you are going through. Since you are closer, and have been involved in his care it is reasonable you and husbands should be called first. If your fil has not designated a POA or someone for medical decisions he needs to. Though he is on an anticoagulant, I still have seen people have strokes while on them. He will go to rehab and have a whole new diet which will affect his INR results. Just a thought.
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I have thought of that, I figure for those 3 years she didn't speak to him, and still upset about my son being their favorite. That is why I tried talking to her. Told her I didn't want to overstep my bounds, and wasn't sure how far she wanted my input. She said oh no no problem. I pointed out, I know you like to be the one informed on everything first hand, such as the doctor and all, and I don't want to get in the way, asking questions etc.. She said she didn't care who the doctor called, she was just upset they said they didn't have her number. I'm sorry, either her memory is bad, or she is just lying. She told us all, she called office manager and told them call me, your staff has been calling me sil and they are to call me. Jealousy may be it. Maybe go and visit and just keep my mouth shut. Then I wonder what strength cumadin is he on, what is his rbc, what is Creatinine level. These are things, we sit there and wonder, but she doesn't speak up and ask, she is impassive and says oh shoot I forgot to ask. Guess best thing is just be quiet. No news would be good news. That way no stress for anyone.
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Here's something that you might keep in-mind:
You see FIL as your last parent and seem close to him. You and husband have been caring for him. Quite possibly, SIL is a little jealous. She is thinking that "he's MY father, not hers (meaning you)!" and feeling a little pushed aside.

It's just one more kind of sibling jealously. Maybe she feels you're getting some of her love from him. It sounds stupid, I know, but this is just the human condition that people look at things, that way.
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Thanks, like I've said previous, I feel like he is my last parent. I have been very close to my in laws. They have been like 2nd parents to me. One of the reasons the sil and bil stopped talking to them for 3 years is because the were jealous of how much time my in laws spent with my first born son. Sil's daughter even called us and said we should start taking him to YMCA camp, instead of having them watch him. It was my mil and my son's idea, they got together and asked me if it would be ok. They all know he was her favorite. I can't help that. So there has always been resentment there from her. As for her spending 4 weeks, her husband was sick with pneumonia, my fil was in the hospital being taking care, and when she goes home, he will now be lost, because he will be so used to her being there all the time. I do admire her for how much time she puts in, I wish I could have done that with my dad. But, my brother who lived in the same town as my dad, did that. He saw him everyday and checked on him, as we have done. Now, when she leaves and goes home, he will be more lonely then ever. Because even though we go everyday, and spend a few hours, that is not the same as what she has been doing. That is going to drive him into a deeper depression. That what we will be "stuck" with, lack of a better word. I know a lot of you keep saying he isn't your father, but, he is my last parent I have left....
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I also disagree with the person who pointed out that he's not your father. He's your relative by marriage, your father by marriage, and you sound like you've put a lot of care into him. You're not a blood relative, but you're part of the family!

But, past that, it sounds like ordinary family bickering. I wouldn't worry too much about it. I'm not you, but what I would do is just kind of let it go. It wasn't even that big a tiff.

And, a little check to you though, but your review of your SIL smothering him because she's given up 4 weeks of time with the rest of your family for him is about as unfair as her eye-rolling and actions. It sounds like both of you are at least trying, and that's more than most people do for their parents.
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Is FIL in his right mind, able to make decisions? Then let him decided where he wants to go.

And your SIL thinks she's the best candidate to take care of dad and wants to do the job? Yeah baby!

"If she wants to deal with everything, fine let her."

Yes. This is one of those types of situations that should be handled by blood relatives, imo. I can't even imagine putting my two cents into something my ex husband and his brothers wanted to do with the in laws...far as I'm concerned, it's just none of my business..

The only time I'd ever open my mouth in this kind of situation where an elderly person is involved is if I saw some serious wrong doing going on or if I was asked an opinion. Everything else pertaining to the in laws, I'd stay out of it.

And what Moxie said, too.
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I do feel like I owe an apology to them. I don't usually act that way. When she said they both seemed the same to me, and I didn't see any difference. I said I did and left it at that. She rolled her eyes and said Like what. I was just telling her what I saw that was different. I guess I see the problem as when she goes home, we are the ones that are "on call". And by him being "babied" by her so much, my husbands said manipulated, he won't listen to us, unless he talks to her first. I know the decision was up to him, I have no problem with that. I don't even know why we went a toured the place. Yes this is his daughter and yes, I'm only his dil, but again, she will be here and then go home. We are the ones that live 1 mile from him and she has it set up that she is the emergency contact number. She got upset when the doctor would call us with INR results and finally called office manager and had it out with them that SHE is to be the one called. She called them and took our name off as er contact and put her name down. Again, she lives in another state and will go home. And when she does, then me and my husband will be the ones he calls to drop everything and do what he wants done now. I wish we could have had a discussion away from fil room, but she stays there 24/7, that is why nurses and doctors think she's his wife and she even called him her hubby to one of the nurses. I've tried telling her I don't feel comfortable making suggestions and she blows it off and says it's now problem. As I have said before husband is NO HELP. He doesn't like confrontation. He has never stood up for me or our kids in the 35 years to his family, he won't stand up to them now, even if he thinks he is right. But, I do agree, I will apologize and I will stand down. I am keeping out of it from now on. Thanks for the helpful criticism. Hopefully, when she goes home, he won't be lost now.
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Wow, these answers are even making me uncomfortable. Yes, you should apologize, but I heartily disagree with those who say he's not your father. You have been having this man living in your home, I think, or at the very least been his caregiver in some capacity. Knowing women as I do, I'm sure you have borne the burden equally if not more than his son. I think your opinion matters very much, and I could not be more opposed to anyone saying you have no right to input because he's not your father. Been there and as one of the caregivers who was intimately connected, even as an 'in-law', I knew much about how the sick person would react to surroundings and people and my ability to advocate for them. So if you can, yes, apologize for losing your temper. But it is very clear to me that you only wanted what was best for FIL.
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I see this as you not being able to let go and let someone else do the decisions that you and your hubby have done for a long time. Let FIL and SIL make the choices for his future care. If something goes sour with their choice, then be gracious and helpful and not "I told you so" in your comments. For now, apologize for any harsh words and back off.
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Why make an issue of it, once it was already decided?. I agree with the others. Bite your tongue and apologize. I know you tried, but there is a time when the FIL needs to feel in control and make his own decisions. Just accept it and move on.
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