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Trying to help my mum with Alzheimer's. Mum lives in a house that belongs to my brother He keeps telling me I have to do as I'm told becouse it's his house. He won't let mum pick her own food. Or her dogs food he doesn't visit much but tells me when I can go and when I can not I put up two pics of dad mum loved them he took them down. I put up a pic of her new grandchild. He took it down. I can not take my tiny dog whe she loves to see becouse it's his house. I can only stay over when he says I can I have to ask him first. Her grandson my son can only go when he says so. I want her to have day care go in he says no not having strangers in. I'm trying to get her into shelterd housing to get her out of there. Am I over reacting.There is much more I have tried to talk to him he won't listen. Is this abuse

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Mulata88
Please I don't want any respons from you
You are not at all welcome to chat with me
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Lanie; We understand that you are distraught, and that you are most likely typing on a phone. But please understand that when people mis-understand what you've written, it's due to typos and error in grammar.

We are NOT cruel and accusatory. Really. Not like that. But you need to work with us and write prose that is understandable. This is a two way street, dear.

Hope you are well.
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Believe me, at least I have read every single word.............the one who is not reading and is not making much sense is you, I'm afraid.

THERE IS HELP here, but you need to allow others to help you.

You came here voluntarily and willingly, hoping for good advice.

You got it and now you are not happy..........................

??????????????????????????

M 8 8
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I have decided not to continue
With this becouse your not reading what I'm put ing
This is no help to me
All the unkind things is my brother saying not me what a wast of my time this is
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It's not me that said that about my mum please read what I have put
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I have read answers to what I have said but feel what I'm putting is not read correctly
Mum lives in a house of my brothers on her own
I am the only one that does any caring for her in our family
I live 20/25 mins away
They are 5 mins away
I ring every day I don't get there
But I ring anyway every day
They bring food in without asking what mum wants she has capasaty
No prob with dads pics very loveing couple married 50 years
He says mum doesn't clean just sits stuffing her face that she smells
This is not said kindly
No matter what I say do
He is rude to me
He DOES not want mum to have outside help at all
I do she needs it
He does not want to pay from her Money for this care
My brother has POA over her money ONLY not her health
Him his wife his son do nothing to help mum in any way give her no choice in what she eats can pick nothing for her home
It's my brothers house and mum is a guest in it but as no choice or decision in it
He lives somewhere else
I hope I now make myself clear he works away never tells he's going does not ring he sees her mabey once in a couple of weeks
This time she as not seen him in 4 weeks is this a caring son
In our family
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This is a duplicate post. The other is under Questions: "How can I get my mum into sheltered housing." The OP is more current in her replies there.
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I still don't know why is mum at brother's house? Why?

M88
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"And had I taken my tablets" ... what does this mean? What tablets?
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Just an observation- if you want to talk about "unkind" - how about you saying that your mom "does nothing just sits all day and stuffs her face". Really? Your last post is so full of hostility and accusations it makes me wonder if this is more about how you feel about your brother than your mother. Just maybe brother is as concerned about you as you are about him? Sorry if I'm being harsh but I'm calling this one as I see it.
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Why is mum with him at his house?

M88
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Lanie, where do you live? Are you in the north west of England?

It doesn't make a lot of sense when you post that your brother's son took your mother to see his brother who had abused her as a child. Do you perhaps mean that your nephew took your mother to see HER brother, i.e. your uncle?

In any case. If you have real concerns about how your mother is living, contact social services in her local authority. If you don't know how to do that, post again and I'll guide you through it.

Your concerns must be real, but they don't have to be about extreme things such as a risk to your mother's life or limb. Older people have rights, as you clearly understand, and if you have clear evidence that your mother's rights are being ignored then a social worker can help with that.

What you need to realise is that anyone reading your account will know that there are two sides to every story. If your brother is responsible for your mother's care, he has a difficult job to do. We can imagine, for example, that he's trying to get her to eat better but she tends to go for the cakes and goodies. The pictures of your father seem to have caused a strong reaction: does your brother have some problem with your father? It's also not unreasonable for your brother to want you to tell him before you turn up at his house.

If your mother is being cared for in your brother's house, your brother and his family are *entitled* to advice and support from their social services. The way to look at it isn't that social services will march in and order your brother to stop being mean to your mother and disrespectful to you. What they'll do - and in my experience these people are capable professionals who understand such situations extremely well - is look at the stresses the family is under and suggest ways to help so that it's better for everyone involved.

If social services agree that your mother's living situation is not a good one and she would be better placed in care, where would you suggest they move her to? And how do you think your mother would feel about that?
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Lannie,
If you could please answer the questions that other people wrote in response, it will really help us to comment and offer support and ideas.

Thank you, and we'll be here for you.

M88
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Thank you no I put them up mum loved them told me where to put them lived dad very much
Still AS capasaty
Brother is away working
I put them up sat mum came to mine mon/ wed took her home
They were down think he's s son had done it mum was also upset somone had been in while she had been away
Thank you for your advise just hope I am believed when I eventually say something
Both my nephews are 36/40 both do what there parents say dare not go up against them
You wouldn't believe it unless you witnessed it
I don't see much of any of them
Most communications is by text or email
He orders me about is rude and disrespectful to me it's very upsetting
Com like
Mum just sits all day does nothing and stuffs her face I find this unexceptioble
Unkind
She was out one day I rang her no answer I was concerned so I text him to ask if he knew where she was and ok
He told me I was rude and to stop being a pest they were having a day out
And to go do something worthwhile
And had I taken my tablets .
Mum had been gone over 8 hours I was only checking to see if she was ok had a good day ext
I found out later she wasn't out with him but his son in Blackpool visiting his brother who may I add
Had abused her as a child
I believe it happend my bother does not she had not seen him or had contact for over 10 years
Just glad now she as forgot the visit
So things are very strange
I'm going to try move her I feel my mum as and will go down faster living there I don't think this move was in her best interest at all
But a way for him to get her house next to nothing
Personally I am not at all interested in the money
My only interest is my mum who I love with all my heart and want to keep her as long as possible
She will die sooner being there
Thank you for your advise very kind of you
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Sounds like he is controlling you. He certainly is not able to control mom as well as he would like. None of us can do that. Maybe the pics were confusing mom, she kept asking questions over and over and over about them. I took pictures out because they confused mom and at time she became absolutely despondent because of the things triggered by the pictures.

If you think your bro is mistreating her in any way, call Adult Protective Services.
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Is she paying rent or just living there?
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The men in my family are very anal about putting holes in the wall to hang pictures, could that be the problem? Perhaps he wants to keep the property pristine and he is afraid your dog will mess on the carpet. Is he generally this OCD about the rest of his life or do you think this is this more of a personal attack against you?
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Also as I have said I have to ask his permission for many things regarding mum he's my brother
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I feel he takes away independence disrespects her
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Brothers house on her own
Yes I make sure she is fed and clean
But won't let her put up pics unless he does it there is much much more
Surly if she as capasaty to say she wants something he as no right to say no????
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Has your mother attempted to make any changes or decorating that brother has vetoed or is this reaction just to you?
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Lanie, you are posting on a holiday weekend and even caregivers take time off so you may have to wait for some responses. I have a couple of questions to get things started...
Is your mother living with your brother or does he just own the property?
Is she kept clean, fed and cared for or do you feel she is being neglected?
How advanced is your mother's Alzheimer's, is she safe to be alone? Is she happy with the way things are? If not, do you feel she would be happier living somewhere else?
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Lannie222,
I just removed my mom from a home I was not happy with.
I did not have any issues because I have power of attorney. If you think your loved one is in any danger take pictures, keep records, etc., and call authorities. Many times caregivers want to know when you will be there because it gives them time to clean up house, and bath patient. Trust your gut! Good luck.
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I can not see reply
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Nn
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