Help I think I'm going mad trying to help my mum with Alzheimer's.

The men in my family are very anal about putting holes in the wall to hang pictures, could that be the problem? Perhaps he wants to keep the property pristine and he is afraid your dog will mess on the carpet. Is he generally this OCD about the rest of his life or do you think this is this more of a personal attack against you?

Sounds like he is controlling you. He certainly is not able to control mom as well as he would like. None of us can do that. Maybe the pics were confusing mom, she kept asking questions over and over and over about them. I took pictures out because they confused mom and at time she became absolutely despondent because of the things triggered by the pictures.

If you think your bro is mistreating her in any way, call Adult Protective Services.

Lanie, where do you live? Are you in the north west of England?

It doesn't make a lot of sense when you post that your brother's son took your mother to see his brother who had abused her as a child. Do you perhaps mean that your nephew took your mother to see HER brother, i.e. your uncle?

In any case. If you have real concerns about how your mother is living, contact social services in her local authority. If you don't know how to do that, post again and I'll guide you through it.

Your concerns must be real, but they don't have to be about extreme things such as a risk to your mother's life or limb. Older people have rights, as you clearly understand, and if you have clear evidence that your mother's rights are being ignored then a social worker can help with that.

What you need to realise is that anyone reading your account will know that there are two sides to every story. If your brother is responsible for your mother's care, he has a difficult job to do. We can imagine, for example, that he's trying to get her to eat better but she tends to go for the cakes and goodies. The pictures of your father seem to have caused a strong reaction: does your brother have some problem with your father? It's also not unreasonable for your brother to want you to tell him before you turn up at his house.

If your mother is being cared for in your brother's house, your brother and his family are *entitled* to advice and support from their social services. The way to look at it isn't that social services will march in and order your brother to stop being mean to your mother and disrespectful to you. What they'll do - and in my experience these people are capable professionals who understand such situations extremely well - is look at the stresses the family is under and suggest ways to help so that it's better for everyone involved.

If social services agree that your mother's living situation is not a good one and she would be better placed in care, where would you suggest they move her to? And how do you think your mother would feel about that?

Just an observation- if you want to talk about "unkind" - how about you saying that your mom "does nothing just sits all day and stuffs her face". Really? Your last post is so full of hostility and accusations it makes me wonder if this is more about how you feel about your brother than your mother. Just maybe brother is as concerned about you as you are about him? Sorry if I'm being harsh but I'm calling this one as I see it.

Believe me, at least I have read every single word.............the one who is not reading and is not making much sense is you, I'm afraid.

THERE IS HELP here, but you need to allow others to help you.

You came here voluntarily and willingly, hoping for good advice.

You got it and now you are not happy..........................

??????????????????????????

M 8 8

Lanie; We understand that you are distraught, and that you are most likely typing on a phone. But please understand that when people mis-understand what you've written, it's due to typos and error in grammar.

We are NOT cruel and accusatory. Really. Not like that. But you need to work with us and write prose that is understandable. This is a two way street, dear.

Hope you are well.

Lannie222,
I just removed my mom from a home I was not happy with.
I did not have any issues because I have power of attorney. If you think your loved one is in any danger take pictures, keep records, etc., and call authorities. Many times caregivers want to know when you will be there because it gives them time to clean up house, and bath patient. Trust your gut! Good luck.

Lanie, you are posting on a holiday weekend and even caregivers take time off so you may have to wait for some responses. I have a couple of questions to get things started...
Is your mother living with your brother or does he just own the property?
Is she kept clean, fed and cared for or do you feel she is being neglected?
How advanced is your mother's Alzheimer's, is she safe to be alone? Is she happy with the way things are? If not, do you feel she would be happier living somewhere else?

Lannie,
If you could please answer the questions that other people wrote in response, it will really help us to comment and offer support and ideas.

Thank you, and we'll be here for you.

M88

This is a duplicate post. The other is under Questions: "How can I get my mum into sheltered housing." The OP is more current in her replies there.