I live with my 92 year old mom. She keeps saying how she is going to do some watering in the yard, spray painting of statues, prunning of plants and I know she can't do any of this. She is aiming these ideas at me to do. I am 67 and want to enjoy some of my golden years, too. She also needs me to vacuum, dust and occassionally make her something to eat because she won't do it herself. I find it laughable when she says she is going to "help out" when all she can do is sit in her recliner and sleep most of the day. She saved me when I lost my home in foreclosure. She took me in and my pets and I am forever grateful but this is becoming unbearable. I do not have the money to leave on my own. Should I just say "yes" and placate her when she says we have all this work to do. She refuses to hire a housekeeper. I guess I "am it". She refuses to hire someone to help in the yard so I guess I "am it". Daily complaints of back aches and UTI's (which we take care of). I literally feel like I am drowning sometimes but have no where else to go and if she won't hire help - what am I supposed to do?
First of all, I am truly sorry that you lost your home. That’s tough to deal with.
It was kind of your mom to take you and your pets in. Still, you need some time for your own needs.
Do you mind sharing a bit more about your situation?
Did you discuss how things would be for each of you before moving into mom’s home?
Were you planning on being in your mother’s home temporarily or until mom dies?
Are you able to work outside of the house? Is mom paying you for your caregiving and housekeeping services?
Your mom is up in age. Of course, she can’t do everything that she used to do. I’m sure she misses being independent and is relying on you to help.
You sound exhausted. Could you pay rent if you had a roommate?
Would your mom be willing to sell her home and enter an assisted living facility?
Some moms have great difficulty letting go of being the authority figure. Plus, if you are living in her home I bet that this situation is magnified even more.
What do you want? What do you dream about? What would help you achieve your goal of moving out of your mom’s house?
So you don't placate her and yes her to death on all of her demands, or next thing you know, she'll have you climbing a ladder to fix the gutter on the roof! Let common sense prevail and don't become a slave to her wishes in exchange for free rent!
My mother felt the need to stay compulsively busy all the time, be it cooking or especially cleaning. That was HER OCD not mine at play! Tell mom it's okay to just be together w/o the need to always have you doing something.
It sounds like you might need a vacation to relax a bit.
Taking you in makes her assume you will be her slave. You are stuck since no money to leave. Are you paying her any rent? Don't you get Social Security? Your choice is do some work, or rent a room somewhere and move out.
Once when she was asked by her doctor if she had any questions, she stated sharply "I want to drive." Her license had been revoked by the state on the recommendation of this particular doctor. He asked again: "Do you have any questions?" to which she replied "I said I want to drive". His response -- "That isn't a question. That is a statement. Do you have any questions?" Not a question or peep was uttered.
All this is to say, stick with boundaries and don't become a slave to her every want! See that her NEEDS are met because just reaching good enough sometimes is really GOOD ENOUGH.
I don't understand. Do you get to live rent free or low cost? (" she took me in") I do appreciate that you are a grateful daughter and just want some time for yourself.
This seems like a mutually beneficial arrangement.
Speaking only for myself I was in a similar situation... but much younger.
I felt an obligation and desire to pitch in. I did find a way to schedule things. Nothing was perfect. I sacrificed privacy and many other things. However, the offer of free rent from my parents was life changing for me and I will be forever grateful. There are some excellent suggestions here. I might add that however you decide to communicate your needs, try to use very gentle words. Your Mom is 92 fragile, vulnerable and probably very worried about the future and her cascading decline.
My best to you and your Mom. I hope you can find a way to enjoy these last years together.
One day I broke my arm when I tripped at work, I was your age. Wearing a sling did get my parents' attention and they started to limit their requests. This was the only break I got [no pun intended]. I ordered groceries on-line, my husband picked up the order and took it over to my parents.
Any chance of going to work, even part-time? We had a Hallmark store in our area where the employees were all retirees :) You could tell the ladies were happy with their part-time work.
Now, you also don't want to disable Mom so if there is something she can do for herself, she needs to do it. That means if she is capable of making a sandwich or get a bowl of cereal, she needs to do it. If your getting something for yourself, then ask if she wants anything otherwise she waits on herself.
I would just chalk it up to she is 92 and maybe some cognitive decline. Just say, OK Mom, when I get to it.
67 is not old in todays Standards. I know a couple who both still work at 75. My BIL too works 20 hrs a week at 75. You could go find a nice p/t job. At 67 you should be able to make as much as you want without SS penalties. Really, what would you have done if you didn't have Mom. Were u married or divorced? If so, are you getting what you should be based on husbands or exs earnings, too?
"I am 67 and want to enjoy some of my golden years, too." Thats OK when you can support yourself but you now rely on someone else for a roof over your head. And that someone is 92. What are you going to do if she passes? You need to plan your future and it may mean going back to work to save up for your "Golden Years" that aren't even here yet.
If she really wants to, as long as it's safe let her try to do a few things she is talking about. Let her water the plants if she wants too.
And do the best you can do , but also don't worry about the things you can't get done. Or the things your mom thinks need to be done.
As you are disabled and she is not young.
I don't live with my mom, I tell her I'll do things that need to be done, but I tried to explain to her something don't, like let's not decorate the whole house like a halmark movie, maybe just one room. I don't mind at all doing one room, but I'd like to feel like decorating my home too. But as I've learn recently, that that stuff is just going in one ear out the other.
And I might just as well say it to the wall
So I'm just trying to let her request, that I feel are way more than I want to do, go in one ear and out the other.
Good luck summer, hope it was a little helpful
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