So we agreed on a scattering plan for my mom's remains. Not 24 hours later, no can do. Put mom in a walmart bag, poke holes and walk around where dogs sh*t. I am reeling from this, really. I cannot be the only person who finds this just appalling.
Sorry you are going through this with your family. Unfortunately it seems like everyone has at least one family member that shows there hind quarters in any difficult situation. Even only children seem to have an aunt or an in law to fit bill.
Is it possible for you to swipe the ashes and keep them for a more dignified and private shattering?
Yes I would! I haven’t even informed all of my family yet of my brother’s death to avoid drama I do not need. Keep moving forward, Seg! You are doing very well.
Did you happen to see the episode of the show ‘Mom’ where they swap out ashes with kitty litter? I would do just that and let the asses spread the litter over the dog poop. You then get to keep your Moms remains and do the right thing. Sorry, you can’t pick your relatives. Don’t I know that pain oh too well.
I am just mortified. 3 Guardian ship attempts. 3. Of them. Guess who bailed? Not me. God. Not only have I lost my mom, I have lost my sibling. This is just awful. Really awful.
I’m so sorry Seg! Times like this is when people really show you who they are, right? Why is your plan a no-go? I have to admit, I’m loving the idea of tricking your a-hole family members with cat litter! I would totally do it and then.....on my own I would follow through with the original plan!
man hearing this I kind of feel silly for complaining to a friend earlier today, about BIL and the elaborate urn he bought for FILs ashes. The ashes are being buried in the ground and for some reason, BIL bought this fancy ornate urn, the kind you keep on display in your home! My FIL would have been happy in a cardboard box, no joke. He was simple man. A simple $50 urn would have sufficed. And he’s been up our butts & SILs butts wanting us to chip in some money for this fancy urn because he “needs money” for this trip to bury the ashes this coming week. We are all preparing to make the 1800 mile trip on Monday. As usual, he’s giving us the broke sob story, needs gas money, can’t afford this. Can’t afford that. SIL is letting him ride with her without contributing toward the gas SMDH. And just WHY does all of this make me so upset? Because as usual, he’s on Facebook showing off His latest purchases! Parts for his vehicles that he doesn’t need. Expensive parts. And rims. I thought money was tight and he couldn’t afford gas for the upcoming trip? Yet he has spent a few grand on auto parts. Same story, different day. He does this every time! And someone else always gets suckered in to paying his way. Been there, done that before and I won’t do it again! I have a gut feeling he’s gonna want us to use our rental car to pick up his wife at the airport. We are flying. So is his wife but I don’t know when. I DO KNOW that he will not want to pay for gas to drive the motor home 3 hours round trip to pick her up. I just know he’s gonna see if she can bum a ride with us. We’re flying in to a different airport so......no can do. They can figure it out on their own. Anyway. Lol. It just never ends does it? But it’s a silly thing for me to be complaining about!
Someone help me with kitty litter thing. I am upset beyond belief. I read this as putting my mom's remains as kitty litter. That can't be right. I am so upset.
No Seg!! You put kitty litter in the trash bag and pretend it’s moms ashes and “scatter them”. Then....on your own, you do what you originally planned with moms ashes!
Ok so help me. Because my family is gaslight central. It is not just me, right? I have minimized this like you would not believe. You would find this appalling, right. I am not over reacting. Gah.
Seg, I am so sorry your family is acting up in such a way in regards to spreading your Mom's ashes, it's just horrible. If your Mom had a plan in mind for the spreading of her ashes, then I would follow that plan and honor her.
On a different note, a very close friend of mine just passed away after a long battle with Pancreatic Cancer, and it was her desire to have little bits her ashes put into tiny blue envelopes with her name in them, that were given out to all her friends and family at her memorial service, with the instructions to spread her ashes in all the beautiful places her friends visited over the course of the next year, as she was a very adventurous spirit. Some people spread them, and others just left the envelope and took a beautiful picture of it in a beautiful place.
My friends Facebook page has been kept open, and folks have been posting the pictures and their tributes to this special lady, and reading all the stories has really warmed my heart.
I think it's a lovely way to honor her, and truly shows the Love and Respect that everyone had for her.
I just wanted to share that with you, as doing something like this might be a way folks could do something in their own way, and it would take the pressure off of you, and then they could celebrate your Mom as they see fit, that is if you believe that they would do so, and then you could do your own memorial and tribute your way with your part of your Mom's ashes.
Please remember, your Mom is now gone, and her ashes are but a small piece of what remains. Your memories are your own, and you will always hold them close to your heart. Honor her in a way that makes sense for you, and if you have to share them with other relatives, then let them honor her in their own way too. Still, I don't think it is unreasonable for you to request that they be respectful and and that stupid comments about "dispensing" her ashes in such a rude manner be stopped. No one wants to hear such trashy talk when they have only just lost their beloved Mother. If they are that rude and childish, I would be hesitant to give them any part of my Mom's ashes also!
I'm sorry they are behaving so badly, and I hope you find a good solution. Take Care of yourself! Hugs!
Sorry, but don't think I'd want an envelope of ashes. We had MILs shipped fro FLA. I put her Urn on top of the entertainment center. My DH freaked out. So I covered it with the pouch that was sent with it.
Is your sister asking this? Otherwise who else but her children should decide. No one has a right to say that to you, especially at this time. Do with her ashes what you feel in your heart is respectful. And right now you don’t really have to decide anything. It’s too fresh. My brother died June 8. I’m in no shape to make major decisions as his death was unexpected.
She was your mother & what is done with her ashes should be either what your mom designated or what your sister & you decide.
My Aunt's ashes were supposed to be gently dispensed in a beautiful garden she had chosen.
The reality was we weren't 100% sure it was the right garden, the bag looked suspicious so I think it did end up being a plastic bag with holes. The wind was an issue too.
NOT how we wanted & left feeling very flat.
My Dad choose to go home & plant a tree or bush instead.
My sil has a piece of jewellery made with some ashes in fir her Dad.
I'd say, overwrite that bad memory & make a special memory/remembrance for yourself - your way
This is unfortunate. Can't change the past, obviously. You somehow have to find a way to deal with it and let it go. It doesn't change anything re: your mom being gone. Sorry for your loss.
But, what you do have to decide is how/if you deal with your family in the future. You can totally blow them off because you are just done. Or you can cut them a little slack, don't speak of this lousy situation. Even if you know you can't trust them anymore. There are tons of different options as well, of course.
The Park Ranger knocked at our door one day, came to teach us how to do trail maintnance, learning about berms, etc. He said to bring the cremains of our dog we had been keeping, not knowing what to do with them.
There in the beautiful redwoods, just off the trails, my Lily-dog was released with a thank you prayer to God for her time on this earth.
Segoline, I'm wondering if your family's plans are quite as bad as your post makes them out to be - I'm going to assume the Walmart bag is their idea of being discrete in spreading the cremains where it isn't necessarily permitted, the dog sh*t comment has me stymied though. I get that you don't agree, but unless they are truly malicious can you see a reason for their choice of this location?
Have you all looked up your local regs on where and how one can spread ashes?
The whole "where dogs sh#t" comment...is this a public park that your mom had some connection to?
You and your sibling seem to have quite a fraught relationship. Maybe it would be better to put off the spreading until tempers cool. Or divide the ashes so that you can each do as you please?
Ok so original plan was to spread in museum's gardens. All agreed. 24 hours later, too inconvenient.
Just when you think your sibling can't be more of a jerk, they ascend. I went to,pick up death certificates and a form i had to file.my sib, tells me this company here has a virtual reality program to simulate dementia. Here is the magazine article. Uh, thanks. I have lived this already. Can you be any more tone deaf than you are being right now? Thank God you can pick your dogs, no?
And hey,I got new plan. Museum. Two churches. Schools she taught at in early career. House she last lived in. Two parks.shipping some yo cousin to spread where much family located. But before all, a minister at her church to bless her remains. I will attend myself. In the church. It was important to her. So I am doing right thing I hope by her. I have been shredding documents since last night and all day today. Ran across last wishes numerous times. We have fulfilled none, but cremation. So I will do,my best to fill in gaps.
Eta. This may sound creepy. But 3 years ago my best doggie ever died. He worshipped his grandma and she, him. I am sending him too with her. Stay with grandma. He will, too. He loved that woman. Adored her.
No it doesn’t sound creepy. Lord knows I have loved my dogs more than I loved people in my family, lol. My boy Shane passed away 2 y/o on 6/14. I may need a puppy after all this over (my brother just passed). Happiness is puppy breath. Hang in there, Sego! You don’t have to decide yet. Take a week or two to just relax...
I had to face the realization that my present experience is costing me TWO Loved Ones.
I knew the LO for whom I care would ultimately cost me the loss of the last of my “Five Mothers”, but what I didn’t anticipate at the outset was the behavior of a mutual relative who shares responsibility for her care.
Being unprepared for that individual’s unseemly conduct has been almost more painful.
Ours was one of those families about which it was always said “They’re so close NOTHING could ever change them.” Live and Learn!
I hear ya, Ann. In my mother’s final years, Mom’s sister (my aunt) and I shared the caregiving.
I always knew that my aunt was illogical, self-centered and a poor listener.
I always knew that my aunt spent every minute of her life toggling between putting her sister (my Mom) on a pedestal and resenting her sister (my Mom) for being so controlling.
What I did not know [until the damage was done] was that my aunt’s compulsion to turn every conversation into a sh*thouse therapy session would destroy any possibility of aunt & me having a relationship that outlived my mother.
After Mom passed, I was determined to build a non-caregiving/non-traumatic relationship with my aunt. Her neurosis made it impossible.
I tried every conversational trick in the book. Nothing can get my aunt to “just be.” Nothing can inspire my aunt to have a conversation that does not devolve into All Her Pain and All Her Insecurity.
The only way I can limit exposure to my aunt’s 24-7 Dr Phil circular blathering is low-contact. Very low contact.
Took me a while to get there. And I felt like a turd.
Funny/not funny. I was running errands recently and had a chance encounter with my aunt. It was a day - and time of day - when I am normally at work (which is 50 miles from where we bumped into each other).
Aunt & I had not spoken to each other or seen each other for almost 5 months. After initial hugs (which were sincere - I do love her) and an exchange of pleasantries, my aunt was off to the races.
A 25-minute monologue of hurt and trauma from the 1950s to yesterday. Micro-detail about her litany of health issues (all of which she refuses to seek treatment for). A resounding “yes but” for every common-sense statement I tried to inject. Some brief crying.
All this in Aisle 4 of Walmart.
Aunt & I parted ways. I made my purchase. As I walked to my car, every iota of self-doubt I had [about going low-contact with aunt] evaporated. I literally felt lighter.
My aunt’s “terminal uniqueness” is absolutely, officially, unequivocally Not My Problem.
My father was a member of a small group of mountaineers who would spread the ashes of other climbers atop mountains - if that was their wish and family members were unable to make the climb.
My dad once said to me “It’s not like you’d think it would be - especially if there’s no wind. It’s not like it is in the movies”.
Having three times been involved in the spreading of human ashes - I’d have to say I agree with my dads sentiments. Not to be insensitive or overly graphic - there is a lot of ash - more than you would think. At least more than I had thought.
State and federal laws frequently dictate what and where its allowed. For instance, the federal clean water act says if you’re going to spread ashes in the ocean- you must be three miles off shore.
I was fortunate that here in Oregon the states says phewy on federal laws. As long as all metal is removed, human ashes are considered organic and as long as you are being discreet - they’ll look the other way.
I tend to think that when it comes to spreading the ashes of a loved one - most people are gonna do their best to honor their loved ones wishes regardless of the law. I know we would have.
I have no problem with any of your plans. Although, it did cross my mind that the museum garden might be a challenge in being discreet and the museum folks may object. But that’s mute now as you’ve altered you plans.
So, I guess I’m just saying - that in making your plans, keep in mind that they might be challenging in execution.
Is it possible for you to swipe the ashes and keep them for a more dignified and private shattering?
And you would not believe the drama this has caused. You would not believe.
man hearing this I kind of feel silly for complaining to a friend earlier today, about BIL and the elaborate urn he bought for FILs ashes. The ashes are being buried in the ground and for some reason, BIL bought this fancy ornate urn, the kind you keep on display in your home! My FIL would have been happy in a cardboard box, no joke. He was simple man. A simple $50 urn would have sufficed. And he’s been up our butts & SILs butts wanting us to chip in some money for this fancy urn because he “needs money” for this trip to bury the ashes this coming week. We are all preparing to make the 1800 mile trip on Monday. As usual, he’s giving us the broke sob story, needs gas money, can’t afford this. Can’t afford that. SIL is letting him ride with her without contributing toward the gas SMDH. And just WHY does all of this make me so upset? Because as usual, he’s on Facebook showing off His latest purchases! Parts for his vehicles that he doesn’t need. Expensive parts. And rims. I thought money was tight and he couldn’t afford gas for the upcoming trip? Yet he has spent a few grand on auto parts. Same story, different day. He does this every time! And someone else always gets suckered in to paying his way. Been there, done that before and I won’t do it again! I have a gut feeling he’s gonna want us to use our rental car to pick up his wife at the airport. We are flying. So is his wife but I don’t know when. I DO KNOW that he will not want to pay for gas to drive the motor home 3 hours round trip to pick her up. I just know he’s gonna see if she can bum a ride with us. We’re flying in to a different airport so......no can do. They can figure it out on their own.
Anyway. Lol. It just never ends does it? But it’s a silly thing for me to be complaining about!
I can't spell very well, so just wait until someone comes here, brave enough to
s p e l l out the plan, wherein you keep Mom's ashes. They don't know.
Hugs!
On a different note, a very close friend of mine just passed away after a long battle with Pancreatic Cancer, and it was her desire to have little bits her ashes put into tiny blue envelopes with her name in them, that were given out to all her friends and family at her memorial service, with the instructions to spread her ashes in all the beautiful places her friends visited over the course of the next year, as she was a very adventurous spirit. Some people spread them, and others just left the envelope and took a beautiful picture of it in a beautiful place.
My friends Facebook page has been kept open, and folks have been posting the pictures and their tributes to this special lady, and reading all the stories has really warmed my heart.
I think it's a lovely way to honor her, and truly shows the Love and Respect that everyone had for her.
I just wanted to share that with you, as doing something like this might be a way folks could do something in their own way, and it would take the pressure off of you, and then they could celebrate your Mom as they see fit, that is if you believe that they would do so, and then you could do your own memorial and tribute your way with your part of your Mom's ashes.
Please remember, your Mom is now gone, and her ashes are but a small piece of what remains. Your memories are your own, and you will always hold them close to your heart. Honor her in a way that makes sense for you, and if you have to share them with other relatives, then let them honor her in their own way too. Still, I don't think it is unreasonable for you to request that they be respectful and and that stupid comments about "dispensing" her ashes in such a rude manner be stopped. No one wants to hear such trashy talk when they have only just lost their beloved Mother. If they are that rude and childish, I would be hesitant to give them any part of my Mom's ashes also!
I'm sorry they are behaving so badly, and I hope you find a good solution. Take Care of yourself! Hugs!
No one has a right to say that to you, especially at this time. Do with her ashes what you feel in your heart is respectful. And right now you don’t really have to decide anything. It’s too fresh.
My brother died June 8. I’m in no shape to make major decisions as his death was unexpected.
She was your mother & what is done with her ashes should be either what your mom designated or what your sister & you decide.
Don’t let anyone bully you.
Grieving is so hard. I hope your days get better.
what was the agreed plan?
what's the sudden new objection to it?
I'm really sorry for what you're going through.
My Aunt's ashes were supposed to be gently dispensed in a beautiful garden she had chosen.
The reality was we weren't 100% sure it was the right garden, the bag looked suspicious so I think it did end up being a plastic bag with holes. The wind was an issue too.
NOT how we wanted & left feeling very flat.
My Dad choose to go home & plant a tree or bush instead.
My sil has a piece of jewellery made with some ashes in fir her Dad.
I'd say, overwrite that bad memory & make a special memory/remembrance for yourself - your way
But, what you do have to decide is how/if you deal with your family in the future. You can totally blow them off because you are just done. Or you can cut them a little slack, don't speak of this lousy situation. Even if you know you can't trust them anymore. There are tons of different options as well, of course.
Isn't there laws where u can spread ashes?
there are laws about spreading ashes.
The Park Ranger knocked at our door one day, came to teach us how to do trail maintnance, learning about berms, etc. He said to bring the cremains of our dog we had been keeping, not knowing what to do with them.
There in the beautiful redwoods, just off the trails, my Lily-dog was released with a thank you prayer to God for her time on this earth.
So sorry for your loss.
Hope you can find some peace away from the family who appears to be acting so very strange. Detach with love can help you.
2. What is the plan now?
Have you all looked up your local regs on where and how one can spread ashes?
The whole "where dogs sh#t" comment...is this a public park that your mom had some connection to?
You and your sibling seem to have quite a fraught relationship. Maybe it would be better to put off the spreading until tempers cool. Or divide the ashes so that you can each do as you please?
Just when you think your sibling can't be more of a jerk, they ascend. I went to,pick up death certificates and a form i had to file.my sib, tells me this company here has a virtual reality program to simulate dementia. Here is the magazine article. Uh, thanks. I have lived this already. Can you be any more tone deaf than you are being right now? Thank God you can pick your dogs, no?
What a rough time for you. Total cliche, but hang in there.
Eta. This may sound creepy. But 3 years ago my best doggie ever died. He worshipped his grandma and she, him. I am sending him too with her. Stay with grandma. He will, too. He loved that woman. Adored her.
I may need a puppy after all this over (my brother just passed). Happiness is puppy breath.
Hang in there, Sego! You don’t have to decide yet. Take a week or two to just relax...
I knew the LO for whom I care would ultimately cost me the loss of the last of my “Five Mothers”, but what I didn’t anticipate at the outset was the behavior of a mutual relative who shares responsibility for her care.
Being unprepared for that individual’s unseemly conduct has been almost more painful.
Ours was one of those families about which it was always said “They’re so close NOTHING could ever change them.” Live and Learn!
I always knew that my aunt was illogical, self-centered and a poor listener.
I always knew that my aunt spent every minute of her life toggling between putting her sister (my Mom) on a pedestal and resenting her sister (my Mom) for being so controlling.
What I did not know [until the damage was done] was that my aunt’s compulsion to turn every conversation into a sh*thouse therapy session would destroy any possibility of aunt & me having a relationship that outlived my mother.
After Mom passed, I was determined to build a non-caregiving/non-traumatic relationship with my aunt. Her neurosis made it impossible.
I tried every conversational trick in the book. Nothing can get my aunt to “just be.” Nothing can inspire my aunt to have a conversation that does not devolve into All Her Pain and All Her Insecurity.
The only way I can limit exposure to my aunt’s 24-7 Dr Phil circular blathering is low-contact. Very low contact.
Took me a while to get there. And I felt like a turd.
Funny/not funny. I was running errands recently and had a chance encounter with my aunt. It was a day - and time of day - when I am normally at work (which is 50 miles from where we bumped into each other).
Aunt & I had not spoken to each other or seen each other for almost 5 months. After initial hugs (which were sincere - I do love her) and an exchange of pleasantries, my aunt was off to the races.
A 25-minute monologue of hurt and trauma from the 1950s to yesterday. Micro-detail about her litany of health issues (all of which she refuses to seek treatment for). A resounding “yes but” for every common-sense statement I tried to inject. Some brief crying.
All this in Aisle 4 of Walmart.
Aunt & I parted ways. I made my purchase. As I walked to my car, every iota of self-doubt I had [about going low-contact with aunt] evaporated. I literally felt lighter.
My aunt’s “terminal uniqueness” is absolutely, officially, unequivocally Not My Problem.
My self-care is nobody’s business but my own.
My father was a member of a small group of mountaineers who would spread the ashes of other climbers atop mountains - if that was their wish and family members were unable to make the climb.
My dad once said to me “It’s not like you’d think it would be - especially if there’s no wind. It’s not like it is in the movies”.
Having three times been involved in the spreading of human ashes - I’d have to say I agree with my dads sentiments. Not to be insensitive or overly graphic - there is a lot of ash - more than you would think. At least more than I had thought.
State and federal laws frequently dictate what and where its allowed. For instance, the federal clean water act says if you’re going to spread ashes in the ocean- you must be three miles off shore.
I was fortunate that here in Oregon the states says phewy on federal laws. As long as all metal is removed, human ashes are considered organic and as long as you are being discreet - they’ll look the other way.
I tend to think that when it comes to spreading the ashes of a loved one - most people are gonna do their best to honor their loved ones wishes regardless of the law. I know we would have.
I have no problem with any of your plans. Although, it did cross my mind that the museum garden might be a challenge in being discreet and the museum folks may object. But that’s mute now as you’ve altered you plans.
So, I guess I’m just saying - that in making your plans, keep in mind that they might be challenging in execution.