I need to go out of town for possibly a week and my mom is scared when I'm not around. Any ideas?

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I'm still caring for my elderly mother with vascular dementia. She is doing well, but as you know with this disease she has her days that are really rough. Anyway, I cannot leave her alone for any length of time because she gets rattled. I need to take my daughter to Mayo Clinic, we are waiting for the appointment date. It's very possible she will need surgery, but we're not crossing that bridge quite yet. Mom would do better mentally if she came with me, but I don't think it would be the best for her physically. She would have to stay in the accommodations with my husband the whole time. I feel I shouldn't take my mother to Minnesota for numerous reasons... it is too cold and there may be snow everywhere, she cannot walk long distances so she would be in a wheelchair, she's on oxygen 24/7, the trip would be too hard on her, etc. My dilemma is, I do not have enough family to help me, and I have a very small friend base that would be able to help. Whatever we do they will more than likely have to come into my home and stay. I don't know any place or anyone that she could go stay with except my daughter and she has three young children so I know that would make Mom very nervous if she had to stay there for a week. Mom gets scared when I'm not around. I don't know what else I could do, but I know that there is an answer and a solution. I could use some ideas from everyone. Thank you.

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If your mom has financial resources, it would be good to gradually introduce her to an in-home caregiver. Try once a week and then more. We are doing that with my 95 year old mother in law right now. In a few weeks, we are hoping that should do okay with having that person stay overnight while we go away for a few days.

It may not be necessary that the person be there 24/7, but definitely at the beginning and end of the day and at night (?). That could be very reassuring, especially if she likes the person.

Caregivers could come from an agency or just be freelancing in your community. It is surprising how many people do this part time for a living. Ask around to your local senior agencies or friends who have elderly parents.
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Perhaps an "out of the box" idea...I live in MN (an hour north of Mayo). We here in MN have skyways to connect buildings so we're not forced to wander EVERYWHERE outdoors. Although this week we've had a balmy 45 degrees! Anyway, wonder if it would be worth checking into Senior Living places that have guest apartments you could possibly "rent". I found one that's actually connected by skyway to Mayo. Might be too lofty an idea, but who knows?
charterhouse-mayo. org/accommodations/
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If I was in this situation I would call a professional caregiving agency to have their employees come to stay with the elder. These caregivers know exactly what to do should there be an issue. I do have to say it can be quite expensive. For my Dad to have around the clock caregiver, it was $30/hour.

Or you can call a local Assisted Living to see if they have "respite care" and what would be the cost. That way Mom is in something similar to a hotel, and she could meet women of her own generation, plus there will be Aides/Nurses on-site at all times. It might be worth checking into.
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I would definitely not take her on the trip. Even with her apprehension of you leaving her, there are many reasons that she would likely fare better staying.

Having an agency provide around the clock care in the home while you're gone, is fine, if the costs are not an issue. But, keep in mind that if the agency drops the ball and someone doesn't show up, gets sick, car breaks down, etc. and they can't make it to your house, are they going to be prepared to ensure that she has continuance coverage. Would she be okay staying alone for the night or a day? Based on what you said about your mom getting scared if you are not there, I would consider continuance coverage a must, since, if she is scared and alone, she may be more afraid, call 911 or others, leave the house or something else that is unpredictable. Having someone to reassure her that everything is fine around the clock would make me feel better.

That's why I would explore respite care at a facility, where she could go and stay until your return. I'd check costs and see what is available to meet her needs. It would give me more peace of mind to know that the facility has staff on duty around the clock and she would have the opportunity to socialize with other seniors, sit in the activity room around others, play games, have meals in the dining room, etc. I might approach it as a vacation for her.
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I would place your Mom temporary in a respite care - they will make sure she is doing well while you are gone.
I took my Mom one time with me while my Dad had a big
Cancer operation.We were staying for about four days in a hotel room,my hubby,my Mom & myself.What a nightmare
that turned out to be.My Dad omitted to tell us that my Mother did not sleep 24/7 .She would be up & in the bathroom at 1:00 AM doing what ?? My Hubby would here her up & awaken me ,I would then put her back to bed
to be awake again about 3:00 AM .My Mom would be cleaning out her purse!! Long story short - We head back home with my Mom & my Dad was staying another week in hospital.My Mom took a real " rangie " on the way home.
Getting back home I had to let her scream & carry on until she fell asleep.We turned the radio up & tuned her out.
When we arrived about 9:00 Pm she refused to get out of the van & I had to call my sister to come & take her to her place half an hour away.Fortunatety my sister worked as an aid in a nursing home & my sister & I up putting my Mother the nursing home with the help of my sister's boss .In the end my Mother had dementia that my Dad had hidden from us .He was too sick to deal with it.
He would bring my Mom home on weekends & had homecare come in to bath her.Very sad situation.As he got sicker my Mom stayed in the nursing home where she was in good hands.. He passed away within the year & we had to empty their apartment & get rid of everything.My Mom
Lived in her own world in the nursing home .Life has many challenges.Don't stress yourself out anymore then you have to.Your Mom will be fine while you are gone.
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I am also caring for a mother who is very similar to yours. I've gone both with hiring a caregiver to stay at home with her and putting her in a nursing home for respite. Definitely do not take her with you. She sounds very needy, and with vascular dementia if you took her, she would quite likely get very upset. Also, your daughter should not have to take care of her, since with small children and a needy grandmother it would be too much for her.

I'd say either an agency or respite care. You have enough on you without juggling everyone's schedule to take care of mom. The times I hired a caregiver to stay with mom it was only for a long weekend, and this was the person who had been taking care of her while I was at work. My mom did not like respite in the nursing home, but I did not have to worry about her. She was fine and I had a much needed break from caregiving. If your mom resists having "strangers" come into the home, a facility is better. She may not need full level nursing home care - some assisted living facilities offer respite too, and elders often respond better to the idea of "a week in assisted living" than to "nursing home" - they often are afraid of that phrase and fear they'll never get to leave.

Facilities that offer respite are experienced with soothing emotionally dependent and needy elders. If you can, check out the facilities first and take her for a visit. They will also offer her activities that she might enjoy. My mom is stubborn and refused to participate, but if nothing else, they will take them to the dining hall to eat with others.

Think about yourself too. Your mom is fortunate that you are taking care of her or it sounds like she would be in a facility already.
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Respite in assisted living will be the most affordable solution. In home care can become very expensive, very quickly. Like already suggested, ease her into it with visiting AL for lunch so she can become familiar with the place and begin meeting people.

You are right, I would not take her to Minnesota either. That would be difficult for her and you that needs to be able to participate in the Mayo visit. Find another solution.
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Take this time to really evaluate your mom fully - it sounds like she may eventually need more care than you can provide - try her soon for just 2 nights in a respite care then she will go home - she will associate it with temporary situation for when you need it -

Have her dr. to adjust her meds with possibly occational use of a calming drug so she is not too rattled - you need to think of loosening the apron strings with her so that she gets used to you being away for short periods - welcome to the sandwich generation!
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I would vote for mom going to respite in an AL. You could take here there a couple of times for lunch to meet other residents and let her get a feel for the place. You have some lead time also to get her all the necessary stuff her doctor needs to do, like a TB test. If your mom gets rattled easily, it might also be a good time to talk to her doctor about evaluating her anxity and agitation.
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Agree with Sunnygirl. I would hire aides for 24/7 like Visiting Angels for instance. They are costly, however. But perhaps speak with your daughter or husband to be "on call" if one of the aides call in sick or are a no show. We used Visiting Angels for my MIL while she was visiting and if you give them enough time they will get the time staffed and have a schedule for you prior to your leaving.
I would keep her at her home; too stressful to move her to an AL, in my opinion.
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