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I have posted several times about my situation. My bro has banned me from seeing or talking to my mom. I did take care of her 6 years ago along with caring for her BF. No one helped or called or even asked how things were going. My si flat out said she would never take care or our parents. My bro lets my sister off by saying, "There's always one in the family." But he expects me to do the sole care giving. My mom and her BF lived with me for that 6 years. I kicked the BF out because of abusing narcotic drugs. My mom chose to live with him. A year later they moved down by me and my sibs. I did everything, docs, Rep. Payee, shopping and anything else my mom needed. I wouldn't do for the BF. (Long story) My mom's BF went into the hospital and my bro calls and tells me to go over and watch my mom. For 3 weeks I had my bro come over in the evening where I could go home for a couple hours, eat and sleep. I had to tell my bro and sis I couldn't do it anymore. I have a mental illness and am on disability for it. I threw the whole thing in my sibs lap. As punishment, I can't see or speak to my mom. Am I wrong for giving up her caregiving? I know if I went back to say I would help with my mom I would be where I started from. I would be sole caregiver. I can't wrap my head around why is there life more important than mine. I cared for my mom's mom for 2 years before she passed away. My sis didn't have a place to live so I opened my house to her. She just paid utilities. We couldn't get along as she was telling me what I could or couldn't do in my house so I moved out. For 2 years. Then I told her I needed my house back. She was NOT happy. All my life I've been made to feel guilty and do everything no one else in my family wanted to do. My mom is my best friend. I haven't seen her in 2 months. Last time I talked to her and told her I loved her, she cried. My bro considered that drama so I can't see her anymore. My family is very dysfunctional. My bro raped me as a child for over 4 years and my father molested my sis for most of her childhood. I've called agencies and the police and an attorney and they say without my mom's address there is nothing they can do. I'm at my wits end. I tried to take care of her again but I'm 50 years old and have been doing everything my family has told me to most all of my life. I'm venting and need some advice or encouragement or to be told how wrong I am. I'm beating myself up over this. At this point, I don't think I will ever see my mom again.

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Wow..I wished I had some answers for you hun, but I will pray for you and the situation. Keep your chin up..it sounds like distancing you from those who manipulated you is best for you. I'm sorry about you and your mom. Don't beat yourself up though..you have to think about you right now. Unless your mom is being mistreated then give it time. If you think there is abuse involved with your mom...call the APS (Adult Protective Services) in your area. God Bless..my prayers are with you.
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(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) No, you are not wrong. You have been abused and that abuse by your sibs continues. You have to look after yourself. Please stop beating yourself up. You have done a lot for your family aand have nio need toi feelk guilty. It is time to look after you. I am so sorry that you feel you may not see your mum agai, especially as she is your best friend, but the alternative seems impossible. Were there no community resources to help you look after her? Have you looked into those? I am ot suggesting that you should take your mum back, as I see that it is too much for you, but to reassure yourself that there is no way you could take on that job again./ Are you in counselling/therapy? I would think that would help you come to terms with this. It certainly is a very difficult situation. I certainly encourage you to look after yourself. Thngs do not always stay the same, so you may be able to find out your mum's adress, and /or establish contact with her again in the future. Meanwhile you need to look after you. I may not see my mum again - not for the same reasons -she is narcissistic and abusive herself, but I know, stil, it isn't easy. More ((((((((hugs)))))))) and keep in touch Joan
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You must take care of yourself. You have told your mother you love her, you know you love her and have done your best for her. Try to find a support group in your area. It is very hard. At times I feel like I am one step from a nervous breakdown. In a way you are lucky to be forced out because you can now move on.
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Yogibear, What does your mom say about all this? Is she mentally aware of the situation?? If she is, why isn't she coming to your defense on this matter? It sounds like you need to STAY AWAY from your siblings anyway. They are nothing but USERS......from what you have said. And as for your brother, he should be in JAIL for what he's done to you!! Tell him he better trod carefully or else! YOU need to do what is best for your health, you can't give your best care to your mom or anyone when you aren't well enough too. I hope you get the information you need here.....and do not feel badly that you are not doing your part for your mom,.....sounds to me like YOU are the ONLY one,... that has helped her!!! GOD BLESS YOU the true "Loving Daughter"!!
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My mom has Alzheimer's. I believe she knows that my bro is keeping me from her. She can't dial a phone and my bro and his girlfriend have cell phones. I'm sure she asks if I've called and that my bro says no. For over a month I called every day and my bro would not answer his phone or return my calls. I've stopped calling. It only causes me more anxiety and stress. I am in counseling as I live day to day and sometimes hour by hour crying and missing my mom. I want to HELP take care of my mom. Just not be the primary caregiver. My bro won't even talk to me. As for Adult Protective Services, they told me without an address of where she is there is absolutely NOTHING they can do. Not even a welfare check. With my mental disability, my bro told me that he wished he could sit on his ass all day and do nothing. He is a HUGE contributor to my mental illness. And I did take care of my mom. My mom had a rough life growing up and as an adult, I have always spoiled her doing things that made her happy which in turn made me happy. Oh, how I ache!
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Yogibear, I know how hard it is to ache for a parent you love so much. You just say your prayers to God and he will deliver your message to your mom through him. I know it isn't the same but at least you can know, that God hears your love for your mother. Keep your faith and the right thing will come about,......whatever that may be. My mom isn't here for me to talk to anymore,....and I miss her terribly every single day!! But I have my prayers and that keeps me from going into a tailspin of despair. Your sibs will come to see their nasty ways, and they will have to be held accountable for their own evil actions! this might help you.......sometimes, when I'm feeling really down, I sing one of my moms favorite songs. It helps calm my nerves and makes me feel closer to here somehow?! Just know you are NOT alone in your feelings!! Sayin' my prayers for you and your mom too ! Bless you and hugs
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Thank you, all! Having my feelings validated makes me feel that there are people who care though it not be my family! It's my new family...prayers and hugs to you ALL!!!
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I have been going to counseling for building my self -esteem and detaching from my mom and letting go of my sibs. My bro, who raped me as a child, thought he could control me once again by making me primary caregiver for my mom. I couldn't handle it this time. He can be primary caregiver and I WILL help. But that isn't good enough for him. I'm the youngest in the family so I guess I am required to do the caregiving along with my mom being my best friend. The holidays will be rough. As I know she askes about me and is lied to by my sibs saying I don't call. I called for a month straight without my bro answering my calls or calling me back. My bro, sis and father are the reason I can't see my mom. One day they will have to stand before God and answer why they would not let me see her!!!! And again, Karma! It will get them all.
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I didn't mean I am required to be my mom's best friend. Only that I am my mom's best friend and she mine.
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Your brother raped you???? Oh, sweetie, I don't know how you can stand being within 100 miles of him. He is evil and should NOT be taking care of your mom at all. I don't know about law but he should be in jail.
Bless your heart, you have been wronged on so many levels.
You need the court to step in and get your rights back.
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You have done everything possible for your mom, now it is time to let go and take care of yourself. You are at a point in your life where going back would only create further heartache for you. Take this as a sign of finally healing your mind from the horrors of the past. Embrace your freedom and start living for you!
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Yes, my brother raped me but that was when I was 9-13 years old. He was a juvenile himself and nothing could be or can be done. I should have written that, I'm sorry I wasn't trying to be misleading. No one else, my sis, will take my mom. She isn't bad enough for NH. AL won't take her because she's on Medicade. I took my mom and her BF into my house for 6 years. My mental illness just isn't or won't allow me to take care of her without the stress and anxiety putting me over the edge. I had to kick her BF out because he abused his narcotic drugs. My mom chose to live with him. I moved 3 hours away as I couldn't afford my home any longer. A year later, they moved down by my bro, sis and me to help care for my mom. I did the shopping, doc appts., and spent time with my mom. My sibs didn't do anything to help. My mom's BF got sick and went into the hospital and my bro told me to go stay with her. I didn't get hardly any relief. My bro came over a couple times a week in the evening so I could go home to eat and sleep. I had things to do at my home. It's like my bro and sis have more important lives than I do. I just don't count. I know I am just as important as they are. And I shouldn't be treated as they have been treating me. I have exhausted all avenues trying to see my mom. All agencies say that without her address there is nothing they can do to help me. My bro moved a couple weeks before he took my mom and told me he doesn't want me to have his address. I did talk to my mom a couple months ago and she told me to come see her. I told her my bro won't give me his address. She said sure he will. She handed him the phone telling him to give me his address. He said OK then hung up. Because my mom cried when I said I loved her on the phone to the only other time I talked to her he said he didn't want the drama and I can't speak to her. I can't afford an attorney as I'm on disability for my mental illness. The low cost attorney's that are available tell me I make too much SSD to qualify.
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YES tell someone at "The Rape Crisis Center"......!!! They can help direct you as to where to go and what to do! This (so called person), bro should be in jail for what he has and still is doing to you! He already raped you.....and is "mentally abusing" you now, with your mom!!! He sure has an EGO PROBLEM if he thinks what he did to you was alright! Take YOUR stand , it's your mother too,and YOU have as much right, if not more, to be in her life!!!This needs to be looked at by a lawyer ASAP...........and let him know about the ABUSE from your brother! Good luck and Godbless
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Your Mom had to be aware of what was going on, even if on a subconscious level. Back then, years ago, no one talked about it. I found out the hard way that my abuser, an older cousin, was still welcome at family events while I was ostracized for saying such horrible things. I sincerely doubt that you were your brother's only victim, nor your sister your father's. My cousin later was found to have molested his own daughter, and stepdaughters from his several marriages. His cousin (paternal side) was caught on video raping a young boy. The cousin was sentenced to 6 years in prison, but he will be welcomed back into his rural community and church. People do not want to know, do not want to have the boat rocked, to this day in many places. Start rocking it. Contact a rape crisis center, as suggested above. Create a tidal wave. I love my Mom, too, and am her primary caregiver. Yet she permitted this cousin to do construction work on her home, and held his 4th wedding on the grounds of her home. They knew what had happened, I had been hospitalized in psychiatric hospitals for suicide attempts twice. He stopped after the second time. I can't help but be angry at my Mom, still. I take care of her, protecting her when no one helped protect me. There is a sad irony in that. Rape and sexual abuse center can refer you to an attorney. You may still be able to sue your brother, or contact police to find if there are indeed other victims. I suspect you will quickly find you were not the only one.
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My bro was also a juvenile when he raped me. There is a 4 years difference. I was 14 when I finally spoke to my mom. She spoke to my bro and my father. The next day, went on as though nothing happened. When I was 18 I again brought up the conversation. I was told o leave it alone that it was in the past. Not knowing at the time that my father had been molesting my sis. She is 2 years older than I am. Since my bro ws 18 when I told, and the raping stopped a year before, nothing could be done. Not even counseling for my bro. I received no counceling or help until I was suicidal at the age of 20. Counciling has only helped a little bit. When big stressors come into my life, like my bro refusing to allow me to see my mom or talk to her, it's like he has that power over me all over again. I am so angry and I want his children to know so they protect their own children from thier father and my father. Sad thing is, when I told my bro I can't take care of my mom 100% as he wants me too, everybody disappeared off FB and everywhere else. I have no addresses of any of them. I was never close to any of them due to what I believe was my bro doing because he was/is afraid I will tell them and warn them what he and my father did.
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I have called Elder Law Attorneys. In the state of Az. they do not do consulting unless it's about will, estate planning, trusts, etc. They charge an average of $265 an hour for me to discuss what rights I have to seeing and talking to my mom. I'm on SSDI for mental illness. I'm no better off than I was before to see my mom or talk to her. All I can hope for is for KARMA to smack the smugness out of my bro especially and have something happen to him or his family.
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WOW! That didn't come out as I wanted it too. I meant that if something happened to his, my bro's family, that he would see what it's like to be alienated and that his life isn't viewed as being important as my family views my life to not be important.
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Yes, you have to take care of yourself in this. Have you tried to call her?
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Don't know if this might help but try sending your mom a card(s) registered; if they are returned then you at least have proof that you tried to contact her. I would also suggest, if you are up to it emotionally, to journal. Good luck!
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I don't know her address. My brother nor anyone else, my sis or father won't give me his address where my mom is staying. So, I can't send her a card. As for calling my bro doesn't have a landline only a cell. I have called every day last month and in Sept. He won't answer the phone since he knows it's me calling. And he won't return my calls.
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I called RAINN, Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. I was told that even after almost 40 years I can report to the police the fact that my brother raped me. I don't know if it will do any good but I think it will make me feel better seeing that it was never done for me when I was a kid. Also, it may give me some leverage to get the police to get his address and check on my mom's welfare. Everything else has failed so far, maybe this is the ticket. All I can do is try.
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Have you tried looking for his addy via the computer - there are all sorts of venues for this?
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Yes, I have but it's like he's vanished off of the internet. I'm thinking of getting a disposable credit card to enter the info. I don't trust sites that you have to pay for to get the info.
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I would definitely turn him in. You need closure and his family needs to be warned. I'm so sorry you went through that. Back then all was swept under the rug how awful it has affected your life. He should pay. He sounds like a dysfunctional evil person. And how sad he has your mom at his mercy. I know what you meant about Karma, he will pay sometime
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I truly am in hopes that do to my brother raping me that the police might see the propensity that he could do it to my mom. Not that he necessarily would but there's no telling. Hopefully, I can convince them to do a welfare check on her and they can ask if she wants to see me. I know she'd say yes. My brother is just trying to block her and I from each other because I stopped taking over as the primary caregiver. My sis will have to figure out whether or not to report my father molesting her. I can't do that for her. You are right, things like that weren't talked about in the 70's. Supposedly my brother told his ex-wife but I don't know to what extent or details. His daughter will have kids one day and I don't know if he'd harm them or if my father would. He was a juvenile so he won't pay for it by the legal system. Only with the grace of God will he pay and with KARMA.
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I have been going to counseling for several weeks, talking to my uncle, talking with friends and I spoke to a pastor. Each has pretty much said the same thing to me only in their own words. They told me I have two choices. Risk not ever seeing/talking to my mom again or protecting my great nieces and nephews to come. I know in my heart my bro will never let me talk/see my mom again so the decision was rather easy. I received a card from my niece and her husband. My bro's daughter. I wrote a letter to her wishing them the best and all that good stuff on the first page. I also wrote on the first page that I had been thinking for years and had sought out spiritual guidance of a matter that concered me greatly. I told her that I included a second page with the info telling her that she and her brothers could either read it, shred it or not read it. However, if they chose to read it they can never not know what they learn. On the second page I told them that their father raped me as a child and that their grandfather molested thier aunt (my sister) when she was a child. I told them that I was tired of secrets and they needed to know the truth about their immediate family and extended family. I said that I am NOT saying that either of them will do anything to their children when they have them but I also wouldn't be able to not feel guilty if something happened to their children and I didn't let them know. I told them I didn't want them to change their feelings for their father or grandfather but they needed to know the truth. My sis's son was told by my sis that my father molested her so my nephew keeps a close eye on his two daughters. I didn't think it right that my other nephews and niece not know the potential for something to happen to their kids. I know in my heart I did the right thing. Furthermore, I am aware that I will be all the more ostracized from my family. If I can break this cycle of sexual abuse/incest then I will have done what I set out to do. My niece and nephews are in thier early 30's and mid 20's. It probably wasn't the greatest time of year to tell them but I need to stop feeling ashamed /guilty for something I didn't cause and educate my niece and nephews to be all the more vigilant. I've had guilt/shame for 41 years. Even with counseling it's a rough road to travel.
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Yes, I say talk to an eldercare lawyer.
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(((((yogi))))) your post brought tears to me eyes. You have done the right thing and you know it. I am very proud of you. Keeping the family secrets is horrible -much better to get them out on the table. You have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty, but I know it comes with the experience you had. You are a courageous youmg woman, and this must be healing for you, and so important for your nieces and nephew's children's safety. My prayers are with you. God bless. (((((hugs))))) Joan
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Joan, no need for tears. I have cried oceans of them and I am still here. I don't want pity just validation. I honestly don't think my niece or nephews will believe me. It will all be written off as me being angry that their father (my bro) won't let me see/talk to my mom. I KNOW the TRUTH. They can take it or leave it but I KNOW Iwhat did is RIGHT. I do feel that this will help me to start healing and to finally move forward in my life. God has given me a purpose in life. I don't know if this is what it's supposed to be or not. But I know He is Blessing me. Thank you, Joan. I am a survivor of incest!!!!!! No longer wanting or needing the victim syndrome. Thank you for your prayers, I am sure God will answer them.
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(((((Yogi)))) no pity, but I am very touched that someone who has been and is going through what you have and are is standing up on the side of truth. God gives us all a purpose, and, yes, He is blessing you. I do think you will be able to move forward from this. You are a survivor of incest and you can say that proudly, and hold your head high. Do you ever watch Joyce Meyers on TV? She is a survivor of incest too, and her life has been blessed. I am so glad that you are letting the victim syndrome go. huge( ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) Joan
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