Given two roughly equivalent memory care facilities, would it be better to place my husband in one near me, or near my two sons?

Ruth9EP: This is a highly personal decision. However, the choice comes down to a few factors as follows:
- Although it may be a good idea to have your DH placed closer to you, you have a few health criteria to deal with for yourself.
- Your sons may indeed mean well, but they have families of their own.
- Perhaps you have considered moving closer to your sons.
- If YOU were to move, albeit it a major step, you could have your DH placed in the facility 40 miles away/near your sons.

Who is really going to go visit and observe care more - you or them? If they are committed to going at random times, spending time to observe, then do nearer to them (if it won't be a problem for you to get there, too.) You can always move him closer to you if you see the sons aren't doing what needs to be done.

This is really up to you.
My inquiry here is why are you asking us?
- What are your feelings about it?
- You are 78... have you considered how you would (want to) spend your time if your husband was not physically closer to you?
- You raised TWO INCREDIBLE kids to want to have your husband near them and considering you, feeling it is too much for you.

I would imagine that if you decide to move him further away from you that you would feel some degree of toss, understandably (as this is a huge change for you).
- Do you anticipate or already feel guilt for how you might decide what to do?

- Personally, I would encourage you to create as spectacular life for yourself as you can. You are a devoted wife and mother ... it is time for you to enjoy the moments of your life. I know it would be a difficult transition for you AND you deserve to shift into another chapter ...
gardening (club)...
poker (group) ...
travel (weekends or a 1-2 week vacation ... or join a group, i.e.,
or photography
or bingo
or knitting
The possibilities are sort of endless.
By ENJOYING yourself DOESN'T mean that you are neglecting your husband.
He would likely really want you to enjoy your life now, wouldn't he?

- Even if you decide to move your husband closer to your sons, you could still arrange to visit, perhaps once a month or something. I would imagine that one / both of your sons would want to arrange to pick you up to visit. So - it isn't a matter of seeing him or not; it is how often.

I appreciate you reaching out to us. I know this is difficult for you. Here's a hug and let us know what you decide to do.

Gena / Touch Matters

Between two equally wonderful continuing care facilities, my son, daughter-in-law, and I decided on the facility closest to our son and his family. Our son and his family are professionals with extremely busy lives. I am retired and have more time to travel. Placing my husband so close to our son and family was so convenient for them that they surprise hubby with his favorite treats on their way home from work and school. Their visits provide happy vibes to my husband's dementia world. Because of my husband's convenient location for our son, I took a hint and sold our home to move a couple of miles from my hubby's facility and our son's home. It has been five months since I moved and I am feeling quite smug with the brilliance of my decision. Living this close to our son and my husband is healthy for me and my husband, both physically and emotionally.

Place him near your sons. It will be much harder for your sons, who probably have busy lives of their own, to travel to you and their father than for you to travel to see your sons and your husband. Make it easier on your sons to help you.

Having family volunteer to help is quite a blessing. Would you benefit from moving near your sons so that you and Dad both have support? You and Dad could move to Continuing Care where they offer programs for Assisted Living and Memory Care.

Count your blessings.

Its odd that the answer is so obvious: You will never regret giving your boys the responsibility they are asdking for as a gift for you. Go with your boys! Dont give them a chance to say no.

It sounds as if you have already come to realize that your husband requires more help than what you can give him. Now you just need to choose a care facility with the thought that you may eventually have to join your husband. A facility that offers rehab may just be the right choice being that you may require therapy following your surgeries. It is wonderful that your sons are willing and able to help, you raised them well but they have not lived with your husband and are not fully aware of all his needs. This is your decision to make and I know you will make a decision that is best for you and your husband.

I would say keep your husband near you. It may be easier for your sons to travel to visit you both, than you travel to see your husband.

When the time comes, your sons can move you BOTH nearer them.

Or split the difference if there’s someplace in between your sons and your location.

sons and maybe they will grow towards his care.

You don’t mention anything about your feelings for your husband other than you want him to move out into a facility. I would assume that you agree with your sons it’s too much for you and that’s why you want him to move out. If you want to keep your family intact, because this will be extremely difficult for your husband no matter where he goes, move someplace close by for your husband and so your sons can also help you In your time of need. You wouldn’t want to burden them with coming 40 miles to see you While they’re taking care of your husband nearby, and you being nearby you can also help as well instead of putting the full burden on them.

I do feel a little snarky and I’m not sure why. I’m sorry, but these are still truths that I’m speaking. God be with your decision making and with your family.

Sons, and it's only 40 miles; your husband will have loving family support, you can visit all of them when you like, and even use this experience to evaluate whether you might want to also live at this facility if the need eventually arises. All the best to you and your family.

God bless your sons for their willingness to be an important support for you both ! While this is clearly your and your family 's decision, I encourage you to make the decision that best supports you all......and do not feel " guilty" if you go with your sons suggestion to have him closer to them... Do what YOU, feel is best and, practice good self care. Be sure that all POA and other appropriate decision making documents are in place.
I am thankful that you have
" choices" and, an open line of loving communication with your sons......

Peace be with you all....

I would want my husband to be closer to me. The sons may mean well and in the beginning may be enthusiastic about visiting, advocating etc for their dad but assuming they have their own families and the cares that come along with that, I can vision their help with dad slipping away. Unless you too have plans to move close to them as well, I say keep hubby close to you. Your surgery and recovery are temporary things, you won’t be able to visit him then but that will pass and that’s when the sons can make the trip to help you both out. Stay in control of your husband’s care and your own as long as possible. Good luck with your decision.

Sons

Near the sons. Those that need help owe it to those helping to make it as easy on them as possible!

Also consider moving yourself. Make it your decision instead of this becoming something your sons have to decide for you. You’ve read enough of our horror stories on here to know how torturous it is to have to move a parent when they’re being difficult and don’t want to move even though every day living alone is precarious. 1 in 6 over 80 have some sort of dementia. Plan for your own future.

You could actually enjoy an assisted living! 3 meals cooked plus laundry and cleaning and somebody else planning activities? Not to mention people in your situation to befriend. My mom is in assisted living and dad is in memory care. My mom is a pill and refuses to participate in life, however. (This isn’t new behavior, it’s who she is as a person.) When I visit I see other ladies choosing to enjoy it. My mom will go get my dad from MC and bring him up to the spa with her for hair and nails and a shave … because lord knows if you choose to lock yourself in an apartment all day taking room service your hair needs to be freshly colored at all times.

I've read about an option to move yourself to an independent living near your husband's memory care so you both may be near your sons. Then they could visit your husband and yourself at their conveniences. However, moving closer to your family is work to make this possible: going on a waiting list to get your husband and yourself spaces in the facilily and selling your property to get money to pay for new living arrangements. I think it is worth it and will save commuting when you cannot drive and rideshare is very expensive if your family has no time.

Lots of great answers here of things to consider. One I didn’t see in my quick scan was the difficulty of relocating someone from one facility to another should you become incapable of visiting him. The initial move for your loved one is difficult and confusing enough for them, and then the family would also have to navigate/adjust to the new facility. Once and done and pray you have chosen well.

near sons, with their likley busy lives 40 (x2) min away is a whole arrangement but near them they can go at convenience , also more of them to share the load especially if dils and grands can also , discuss expectations beforehand as far as minimum expected visits and interaction with staff— if they are willing can take this staff liaison thing over for you , also the grands are more likley to visit when closer so they don’t miss out on their other activities, if feasible you might also be able to recouperate there - if that facility has rehab possibly even a short stay there and or at son’s home if okay with all- you need to think about yourself as well and you may not be able to drive even short distances while recovering from surgeries. Also consider your own long term plans — are you in own home now , would you be happy in an assisted or independent living situation , ? Best of luck

I assume the sons still work full-time and have families, so their visits won't be as frequent as yours likely would be.

I vote for closer to you.

Yes, his care is more than you can handle that is why you are trying to make a decision where to place your husband.
Your two sons I imagine both have families.
Your two sons I also imagine are still working.
Your two sons both probably have homes that need their attention and upkeep on weekends.
I also imagine that when your sons have time off they want to spend that time with their families and doing things they like doing.
EVERYONE has great intentions to visit everyday or visit every week.
I am sure their intention is great but life gets in the way of good intentions.

The care that is getting to be a lot for you will be handled mostly by the staff at the Memory Care facility that you choose.
Any doctor visits away from the facility can pretty easily be provided by the facility or by medical transport if you can not manage. But you can arrange to go with him. Could your sons do the same if the appointment was on a Monday at 10:30? (or would they as their wife to take him?)
Are you going to want to drive 80 miles round trip even 1 time a week?

Now..I'm just going to toss this out...
Does the Memory Care facility also have Assisted or Independent Living in the same community?
If so would you consider moving to AL or IL in the same community?
You would be closer to your sons. you would get the help that you probably will need during your rehab with both the knee and shoulder.

Tough decision to make. Me, I like going with more people to do the caregiving, it is a difficult journey...at best.

You have done your part for 8 years, might be time for you to get a little respite.

40 miles is not a long # of miles, you can visit as needed.

Wish you & yours the very best!

A couple of suggestions to consider.

1) If your sons are married, have you talked to your daughters in law? They may be on the visiting schedule too, and their willingness to visit if your husband is closer to them (even to have their husbands visit) may be very important. If there are grandchildren, where will they fit in?

2) Why do your sons think it is being too much for you? We have had a couple of posters in the last week or so where the spouse’s behavior has been appalling. Is that happening with you, or is it just normal care issues between two people with ageing issues?

3) Does it need to be a once-for-all decision? I know that stability matters for your husband, but could you consider respite care in each place, to see how it works out in practice? Or could you be prepared to try what seems best now, but change later?

I can of course understand that you would like to make the best decision now, on the information you have already. But being willing to try and then change, might take a lot of pressure off right now. Love and best wishes, Margaret

How often will you want to see your husband? Unless your sons have a track record of regular visits despite the current inconvenience, moving your husband near them would be a bit of a gamble. They might set up a workable schedule between them, or it might turn out to have been what seemed like a good idea at the time and you'll find yourself too far away to go by cab and with two sons blaming one another for not doing enough. For people who are "too busy," one mile or one hundred miles isn't the important difference.

But look further ahead - would this be a good time for you to think about moving to live closer to their home town too?

I feel near you would be better, as it would be easier for them to drive and one of them can come on different days.
And you can still go less if in fact that is feasible.
Only you can answer that as you know your children.

Would you feel if necessary to visit him every day if he were close? Will having him further away help you to take better care of yourself?

Skipping ahead, do you see yourself living in your current area in the longer term? Or would you like to move closer to your sons? That may weigh too.

If you want to visit frequently, place him closer to you.

If you enjoy 80 miles of driving, place him near your sons.

Everyone wants to be supportive and help out, until it comes time to put up or shut up, it seems to me. Even with the best of intentions, your sons may not find time to help out as much as they could. Then you are likely to get feeling guilty and start schlepping yourself out to the MC all the time. And yes its obviously become too much for you after 8 years and all these bone/joint issues!

See where I'm going with this?

Do what ultimately works best for YOU, nobody else.

Good luck to you

Near your sons. Take advantage of their helpful attitude before they change their minds! It’s wonderful that they aren’t eager to place all the burden on you.

Looks like the sons are more than willing, and have placed the ball in your court. I would do as you think best for yourself at this point.

Has there been any discussion about your son's abilities to get you to visits with hubby in future, say several times a month? Perhaps with stopover at their homes? I can't tell what in depth family discussions you have or have not had. 40 minutes isn't that bad. It took me an hour to travel to work and home by bus when I worked.
It just depends on how you look at it and what is best for YOU, I think.