Not sure if this belongs here or not, but I know my girlfriend is being taken advantage of by her elderly grandmother.
So, backstory. A few years before I knew my girlfriend, her grandmother moved into my girlfriend's house and hid on the 3rd floor with the help of her extremely non-functional (at the time) boyfriend. No one said anything at the time and my girlfriend didnt notice since she stays in the city with her sister during the week for work and comes back on weekends. Electricity bills jumped up, heating bill and water bills jumped up, no word about any of it. My girlfriend checked the 3rd floor and found 2 cube chest freezers and her grandmother and her grandmother's dog sitting in the 3rd floor bedroom with her whole bed set up. My girlfriend got sick some time later and it ended up with her kidneys failing. The grandmother got sick too (Both instances of covid which grandmother brought home with her amd gave to my girlfriend) and demanded to be taken care of. This is some of which I know before I met my girlfriend.
Since Ive been dating my girlfriend, the grandmother has constantly picked fights with my girlfriend's roommate (the roommate moved in to help take care of my girlfriend since she has no kidney function whatsoever still), ran the house through 100 gallons of eating oil in a week (Girlfriendwas taking care of her mother who just got into a car accident and left the grandmother at home, attracted cockroaches, bugs, mice and rats into the house, bought an excess of food, to let it rot in the kitchen (it rots because she is extremely defensive of anything she buys to the point of insults and threats), actively stealing money from wallets, complained to the town (walks a block down the street to gossip and told everyone in the small town that the grandmother owns the house not my girlfriend who actually has her name on the deed), has been abusing the animals in the house (by feeding the dogs food they are allergic to, actively trying to hit the cats when she thinks no one is looking and actively hiding 5 day old kittens from their mother), hording, ACTUALLY CAUGHT lying to her AGING agent, inviting people over when she was asked not to and much more.
The grandmother has been asked on many occasions to move out and she refuses too accept any housing offers from AGING and gives most of the money she recieves away to other people who have already kicked her out of their house.
Recently one of the grandmother's friends from down the street at the cafee where she walks to threatened to call aging/police and report my girlfriend on behalf of the grandmother over a lock that needed to be installed over the thermostat so the heat doesnt get cranked up to 90°F when my girlfriend goes to dialysis or work.
Last thing my girlfriend to be arrested for anything when my girlfriend cant even take care of herself. I do not live with my girlfriend (My work has me at home with my parents for the time being) and its unfair for the roommate to be expected to care for someone extra along with my girlfriend who is still in need of a kidney transplant (on dialysis 3 times a week) to take care of someone who actively making things worse. My girlfriend is getting fed up with it all but she feels trapped even though my girlfriend has assured me she is not the grandmother's caregiver.
Before I forget, the grandmother is able to move around on her own, cook for herself, buy groceries, manage a budget, make decisions on her own and needs no assistance in living as far as anyone can tell. She does have arthritis and scoliosis to my knowledge, but is not dealing with any mental disorders such as alzheimers, dementia or anything of the like.
Going back to the title of your post and the final sentence... "Can I do anything?"
No, you can't. It is what it is, and you are not a party who can change that. The grandma kept the daughter out of foster care and now she is collecting on that kindness. If she's kicking cats, she has issues. If she's hoarding food, she has issues. If she's lying...you get the idea. It may not be a categorical disorder...but there's complicated issues going on here.
For some families, chaos is normal. Disease is coming along with it, in this case. And someone mentioned that your girlfriend may be overlooked for a transplant if the chances of her recovery aren't good. I believe that is correct. So dealing with the issue after getting a transplant is not the correct order of affairs. If your girlfriend is going to prioritize her own health and well-being, she needs to begin doing that now.
All of this...every decision, every event, every action or lack of action...all of it...is outside of your control. Best wishes to you.
In my opinion, she needs to find a good psychiatrist or psychologist as well. I am not saying that your girlfriend has mental issues, I don’t know. I do know what it is like to live as member of a much less complicated but still dysfunctional family. It really helps to have an impartial party to vent to and bounce things off. For me it helps me stay grounded and recognize if I am being unreasonable or not. Having someone trained in human behavior can also help come up with coping strategies for both the current situation and handling the increased crap that she will have to face when (not if!) she evicts the grandmother. As lucky as she is to have a boyfriend who truly cares about her, she needs more. Friends are wonderful to talk with but they often can not see the whole picture and they are biased. Professional help can help her keep her head on straight throughout it all and keep strong during the difficult fight. They can help her resist slipping into believing what is being said about her and help her know when she is within her rights or being unreasonable. She owes her grandmother nothing. No matter how much the grandmother has done for her in the past that does not mean the grandmother has a right to abuse her like that. Essentially the right therapist can help her keep her own sanity through it all. They may also be able to help her with feelings that arise from her renal issues, I can’t imagine not having any from that life changing event as well. She needs professional support! ANYONE would in those conditions.
Not every therapist is right for everyone and it may take some shopping around to find just the right person but it is worth it!
If it were me, I would have tossed grandma out on her a$$ months ago. Also, where is your girlfriend's parents in this entire mess?
Your girlfriend needs to put on her big girl pants and legally evict grandma.
Part 2.
This is not your battle. If she will not do anything to improve her situation there is NOTHING you can do.
If that is the case you need to WALK AWAY.
Your GF spent energy and money putting a lock on the thermostat but didn't change the locks on her *house* when Grandma left for the day? The roommate should be throwing Grandma's belongings out the window. She's basically a squatter of sorts. Does she have a history of mental illness? Is she here legally? Maybe consider finding pro bono legal services for your GF because this is such a tangled situation it defies logic. I'm not sure the solution is simple, but even after posting the eviction notice (and the fee for this process can be $300-ish and takes 30 days from posting) then Grandma is surely going to resist leaving and then what? The police will need to be called to physically remove her from the house and then "someone" is going to need to haul her crap to the curb -- all of it. And when Grandma doesn't have an alternative place to live... I hope your GF doesn't take her back in. GF needs to change the locks the minute she steps out.
I think she will remove her grandmother from the house once she gets her kidney transplant. (It wont be viable to keep someone like her grandmother around while she is recovering from the surgery).
And to clarify, Grandmother has no record of mental illness (other than narcissist tendencies) and is here legally. My GF feels indebted to her GM and wont kick her out after she gave her a steady place to live until she turned 18 and kept her out of foster care. GF knows she needs to evict her GM, but cant spare what little energy she has to do it.
It really is as simple as Daughter1930 stated. Eviction through the courts.
The GM needs to go. The GD has life limiting condition and the antics of GM is not helping.
If I were the GD I would find a good attorney to handle this so she doesn’t have the added stress.
Good luck.
Girlfriend finds OUT someone is there and doesn't handle it?
And now girlfriend is ALSO very ill?
I am afraid that there is little to nothing you can do here. I would encourage you to consider that girlfriend has not been good at taking care of herself. I hope you don't think to be her rescuer; while in romantic daydreams that sort of thing works, in reality it never does.
Be supportive. Offer little advice. Your girlfriend is a grownup making consistently poor choices for her life, and your meddling in the stew will not make it any tastier. I encourage you to save yourself from this mess and wish this gal best luck.
Dont worry, Im not trying to rescue her. Her and I have been in a serious relationship for two years. We dont spend most of our time at her house either so its not a strain on our relationship either, just concerning that her grandmother might get her friends involved by gossiping too much.
Im seeking advice to prevent people from getting my girlfriend in trouble legally by the grandmother's little group. Her grandmother is smart enough to know that if she tries any stunt like that on my girlfriend, it will be the ultimate straw on the camel's back, so she wont try it. The Grandmother's friends however dont know that and like to meddle.
PS I have quite serious scoliosis, which is painful almost daily and treated as serious by the medicos involved. My ‘cob angles’ are 55 thoracic degrees and 52 lumbar. However minor scoliosis (with angles under 10 degrees) is quite common, and in my experience is used as excuse by people who really have very little trouble. Ask for details, or take it with a pinch of salt.
My girlfriend would take steps to sort this out, but unfortunately she doesnt have enough energy to do so. Dialysis 3 times a week kills her. To get an idea, we go out for 4 hours doing whatever and she usually falls asleep at the latest an hour after we get home.
PS I have quite serious scoliosis, which is painful almost daily and treated as serious by the medicos involved. My ‘cob angles’ are 55 thoracic degrees and 52 lumbar. However minor scoliosis (with angles under 10 degrees) is quite common, and in my experience is used as excuse by people who really have very little trouble. Ask for details, or take it with a pinch of salt.