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Hi! I am Joy, my boyfriend is taking care of his mom. She has been kind of living with him for more than a year because of lung cancer and one year before she practically moved in (even though is not oficial, she spents almost all time at his place). 1 Year before that his dad passed away for cancer as well. When that happened we had been together 1 Year. Everything change so quickly and got real hard.



We are not living together yet, we want to but we were waiting for her mom getting better and mover out but it seems its not happening. So we have to adapt to that. I love him and even it has been real hard, I do want as far as Ive been doing it for more than 2 Years, be the support of him (the main caregiver). But I cant lie... is getting Tricky, exhausting, i feel been pushed aside, my help been rejected and of course i had been learning I should not be so invasive. But our relationship is getting damage. Almost 0 intimacy, almost no sex, he is always al around the place giving things, making arrangements, complaining about having no help (his sister is not involved and he does not confront her, he has a great ideal expressing himself), rejecting my help or advise, not expressing how he feels and not putting a space for us to keep Growing togeher. We are planning to see a therapist because this has been scaliting not for good :(



I feel desperate, I want to help but also have a future with him. He knows how I feel, I have an idea of how he feels because of what I said of him having trouble expressing feeling and thoughts. We are getting to the point that he feels bothered when I give advise (which I been learning I should give less and listen more) but is exhausting been rejected about advise when apparently I am the only one Willing to help and of course been rejected as girlfriend/woman. You know. He complains not having help, and that crushes me cause i remember him always that I am all in. So, i dont get it.



I had been looking for help, advise, people who are struggling so I can understand more of everything and of course getting all of this out of my chest Since his father got real sick at 2020 it changes our lifes. IT hurts so much to me the los, the pain I see in my FIL and now seeing my MIL and my BF struggling bad. They do not comunicate much even though they r living together.



I spent many time with them but feel pushed away. I help when Im around, Cook, clean, try to cheer up, give space, whatever comes to mind.and ita hard cause i have my problems as well with my family and mental health issues i suffer from.ocd, anxiety and depression.



I dont know if someone seEs that im struggling as well and feeling ignored even though i express it openly. If there is anyone out to talk to would be great.



I am really confused right now, dunno what will happen and i dont see in Him the matter of urgency i am struggling with. Sometimes he seems empathic others like he just want to win or have the reason. So, I would like him to take serious about us. Is not like I am pushing him away from his mom. The opposite. Indeed i see him with burnout but also myself.



Please free to share anything! IT will be great feeling less alone in this.

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If you have anxiety and depression take this time as an opportunity to deal with your own problems.
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Move on with your life. You two don't have a solid foundation as a couple and you don't operate as a team, and believe me, this situation with his mom won't be the last obstacle in your relationship. Once she's gone, other things will come up and he won't be facing them with you either.

You're young -- don't put all your eggs in this basket. Your guy isn't necessarily a bad guy, but he's not for you. Move on and find someone who has as much time and interest in YOU as you do in him.
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Geaton777 Jul 2022
MJ,

"...this situation with his mom won't be the last obstacle in your relationship."

So true! Life is really made up of a series of challenges that we get through. The BF is probably a "nice guy" but seems like he doesn't know how to handle complex emotional issues, see & defend boundaries or have clear priorities. Not a recipe for strong, healthy relationships. .
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I think you and your boyfriend need to take a break. Step back and give him some space.
Do not move in with him. What will end up happening is you will become the scapegoat for him and his mother. They will blame you in some way for anything and everything. Even if you move in and are a great help to them and do nothing wrong, they will tailor the blame to make it fit.
You will also become the person both of them "vent" their anger and frustrations on to avoid going off on each other. I hate that term "vent" so let's call it what it usually is most of the time:
Abuse.
There could be a silver lining here if you look for it. If it's real and true love between you and your boyfriend then the two of you will find your way back to each other.
I was married and divorced twice. My first husband I married at 18. My second I was in my early 30's. I loved them both but in different ways.
My second husband is the love of my life and I am the love of his. We divorced. He even remarried, but really that was only to spite me. They were only married a few months. I got engaged to someone else who was actually gay, but we are still very good friends. I helped him "come out" and he helped me get back together with my ex-husband. That's what friends do.
Anyway, my point (that I got a bit side-tracked) is that if your boyfriend is the one for you, then he'll find his way back to you.
So let him go now. Don't interfere with the caregiving for his mother. Don't you take it on yourself. Don't move into his place or get a place with him and his mother. Don't allow yourself to become the booty-call that he can hit it and quit it with when he gets a few hours of caregiver respite here and there. None of that.
Just be a friend. Not a friend with "benefits". Not a friend that's going to help with his mother's care needs, and certainly not a friend he can lash out at and dump on. Just a friend. Visit him and his mother. Just to spend time together.
If the two of you are meant to be together then you will be. In the meantime, be open-minded about dating other people. You don't have to die of thirst if there's a wells all over the place.
It will be okay. You'll see. Good luck and God bless.
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CaregiverL Jul 2022
Burnt,
You’re an excellent writer & I think you should write a book about caregiving..& your experiences. Always give great advice, too! Hugs 🤗
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You sound young, my advice is to find someone new. Someone with less baggage and who you can build a life with. Not saying at all your boyfriend isn’t a good guy, but no one is worth putting your life on hold for. That is what you’re doing, putting your life on hold.
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I think you should step aside for now to allow your boyfriend the space to care for his mother. Unfortunately your budding romance came at the wrong time. He doesn’t need the additional stress and what you need he can’t give right now. If you love him, tell him you are there for him if he needs to talk and hopefully the two of you can pick up the pieces when she’s gone. If she has lung cancer that might not be all that long. Good luck to you. Hope it all works out.
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I just read Alva's post and I have to agree with her. I married for the first time at 24. I had gone with the man 1 and 1/2 years. Not long enough. I married for all the wrong reasons. 5 years later with a 1 yr old child, he left me. I got up, got a job and went on with my life. Started dating an old BF and married again at 32. We just celebrated 41 yrs. My DD was the one who suffered from the mistake I made. Because this man was self-centered and had no idea how to love anyone not even his own daughter.

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you are destined to be together for the rest of your lives. Loves comes and goes until that special one comes along.
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Just want to say that the majority of the people who will respond to your question are your boyfriends mother's age and older. Me, I am 72. We all have done some form of caregiving so we have been in your boyfriends shoes. Longtime marriages have been stressed to the limit because of Caregiving of a LO. And yes, the last thing when you are stressed out is someone telling you how "you" should do it.

You sound young. I think it may be time to back off. Sadly, your boyfriend does not have time for a relationship. Trying to continue a relationship with you is probably putting more stress on him. For now he has to concentrate on Mom. He probably has not had enough time to grieve for his Dad and then Mom has serious health problems.

This is what I would do. Be honest, tell him you care a lot for him but you don't feel right now he has time for your relationship. That for now you are going to put the ball in his court. That you understand that he is under a lot of stress and you may be adding to it. So for now, if he wants to talk to you or even see you, its up to him and you will not be coming over unless he calls you. You are giving him space that he probably needs.

Not saying you can't text him to see how he is but you need to give him space. Another thing, when you have to start walking on egg shells, its time to back away too. Believe me, your BF or you are going to say something you both regret and your relationship will be no more.
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We choose or choose to LOSE our "boyfriends" and our marriage partners for any number of reasons. I would say this is a "big one".
I feel you are exceptionally lucky. You know this before you have a wedding, you know this before you have children, and you know this before you even move in.
Your choices in life are your own and no one can make them for you.
I will tell you an axiom someone told me when I was 18, that I still remember now at 80 and status post TWO divorces. It is: "We know the reasons our marriages will fail before we even get married".
And I will wish you good luck. Your boyfriend has ALREADY MADE his choices. He has chosen NOT to tell his Mom that moving in with him will never be an option, that he is planning now his own family. That he will support her in any ways he can with visits, and etc. He has chosen NOT to reassure you that he will never move his mother in with you, even briefly. So you have all the facts now, and I am glad they are clear to you.
I wish you good luck. There is a whole lot of heartache and trauma involved in divorcing when you have children. I can tell you that what my children went through due to my failures to recognize the truth are the WORST FAILURES in my long life, the things I can never change the repercussions of, the things I consider the most unforgivable. And I can wish you luck.
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You'll never be his priority, even if his mom recovers. He has already demonstrated this. He won't seek another solution for her care until you leave because YOU ARE HIS SOLUTION (his easy and free solution). You make the decision if you want something more out of life. If you stay, and things continue to suck -- that's on you.
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cignal Jul 2022
how has me made her the solution? she doesn't live with him and he's ignoring her.
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Your boyfriend has lost one parent and knows he’s going to lose another, his last one. He has all he can deal with and more. Honestly, you’re low priority right now. Piling on advice just feels like one more thing he has to deal with, even though it may come from a sincere place of wanting to help. Decide for yourself, without discussing it with BF, if this is the situation you want to continue to be in. If it is, help without comment or expectation. If it’s not, bow out and wish him the best. You will be ignored during this stressful time either way, it’s just up to you if you want to stick around for this. I wish you peace
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Get yourself to a therapist.. if he won’t go, that’s ok , you go…

I feel desperate, I want to help but also have a future with him. He knows how I feel, I have an idea of how he feels because of what I said of him having trouble expressing feeling and thoughts.

But our relationship is getting damage. Almost 0 intimacy, almost no sex, he is always al around the place giving things, making arrangements, complaining about having no help (his sister is not involved and he does not confront her, he has a great ideal expressing himself), rejecting my help or advise, not expressing how he feels and not putting a space for us to keep Growing togeher
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