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My husband, who is now living with his 82-year-old sister because I needed caregiving also, had to move to another state. He is driving us crazy!


He won’t bathe, change clothes, shave, etc. because he’s convinced he’s doing these things on a regular basis. He stinks, his bed smells no matter how many times his bedding is washed, his hair is greasy, beard unkept, etc. He’s quite an embarrassment to the whole family. He’s manipulative, a liar, unwilling to pickup after himself and refuses to acknowledge he’s done anything wrong when confronted. His answer to everything is, “Other people live here, too. They must have done it.” I get 15-20+ calls a day from him asking to be picked up and taken home. We had to sell our home and car because neither one of us can drive anymore or do the necessary upkeep of our home. I live 250 miles away to be near our son who was caring for me. My husband refused to move, so his sister took him in.


Does anyone have a similar problem and if so, how did you resolve it?

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My resolution, is not without a bit of a struggle.

My husband is a broken record referring everything he hears, or is asked, to his happy memories of his service in the Navy. And he also detests showers.

I turn on the shower to warm it up. I let him know, every other day, that it's time for a shower. Griping all the way, in his I-better-watch-out voice, he tells me how ridiculous this is, it's stupid, and I can be sure this is the last time. This has been going on for over a year. I've reminded him how he loves how he feels afterwards, how sparkly he looks and most importantly that it takes less than 10 minutes.

My latest tactic has been to repeat the same set of questions about the showers in the Navy. Did he have a private shower or did he share a big shower room. Did the Navy provide soap, was there a schedule, etc. In between gripes he answers me like I'm the biggest idiot and sh*t and he sends daggers with his eyes, but he's distracted and washes what I direct him to wash in between questions.

Our process - I'm ready with some shampoo in my left hand and tell him to close his eyes because I'm going to wet his head, and then I pat the right amount of shampoo on to the top of his head. I tell him to work the shampoo. He's shooting his mouth off but he's doing it. In the meantime I wet a wash cloth in warm water in the sink and pump liquid 3-in-1 soap on to it. I hand it to him and tell him to wash his face.

Often I take the sprayer off its holder to help him rinse off. I rinse out the wash cloth at the sink and repeat the routine down to his ankles. He needs to hear a caring voice especially when he's disturbed, I'm not feeling it but it's necessary, so I ask if the temperture is comfortable although I know it is, and I know that everything in the dang world to him is too this, and too that, and everything particularly when he's riled is physically uncomfortable. After he washes his face, I say, oh boy my favorite part, I love to wash your big strong back, man it's like washing a drive-in movie screen so big. He's not a big man and has dwindle down to a little young teenager in stature but he doesn't say a word when I say that. He is humbly maveling at the compliment. To his mind it's true and a largess to permit me to wash his back. It works for 3 seconds.

As long as I can I'm going to keep him involved with washing himself, handing him soaped up wash clothes and rinsing them until that time that I may have to do the entire job. For now I supervise. Lately though I've begun to wash his feet because he won't/can't. His bottom is often washed a couple of times, unless he allows, begrudgingly, my intrusion during his toileting to remind him to use a butt wipe after using T.P. This helps that part of the showering from being a major show stopper.

It's a gigantic pain to help him but even more so to deal with his mouth, vocalized resistance, and threats. I don't know how long it will continue to be only this difficult. Btw, I do his pedicure. He likes that.

When the time comes I'm going to get a man to do the job if my sweetheart completely shuts down. Maybe a sumo. I'm sure he's not going to give him grief.
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dilktgora Jul 2022
I love that you know him so well. You knew him before the dementia set in so your love is apparent. Don't take it personally and give yourself an Oscar after each "performance."
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Dementia patients are sometimes afraid of the running water, the sound of it, the way their skin feels when water touches it. Often they’ve lost all sense of what water is or does. My mother was afraid to brush her teeth because she had no idea what a toothbrush was and thought it was trying to harm her. Any kind of reasoning with such a patient is useless. Just tossing this into the discussion because people tend to believe dementia patients still have the same norms and thought processes as we do. They don’t. They’re in a different world.
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While the conservatorship & other paperwork is being worked out, are there funds for his Sister to employ a home care agency aide? 2-3 times a week would give routine.

Introduce the Helper, for light housekeeping & laundry etc. Then helping change clothes to be washed, then bathing assistance is added in.

Showering is such a common battle! Even the best experienced aides sometimes can't get it done. But it does get done in rehab & MC as others point out. Seen it so many times myself too.

Refuse refuse refuse for family. But will give in for staff.
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When my parents weren't bathing because they thought they had. I hired home health to come help them. They accepted their help better than mine.
He isn't doing this on purpose. He doesn't have the cognitive ability anymore. He thinks he has and can't remember that he hasn't. It could be helpful to you to find a seminar on caring for someone with Alzheimer's. I wish I had known what I know now when I was caring for my parents. It would have made it much easier. The option is not always to put them in a facility. You can search online for information on caring for someone with Alzheimer's. He may not even remember how to take a shower and need some prompting. Check into your local area agency on aging for respite services and you may be able to get someone to come in and help her out.
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He needs to be in a memory care facility. To let him manipulate you in these ways indicates that the family is not able to properly care for him. Good luck.
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Obviously, your husband can't be cared at home anymore. He needs professional nursing care.
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plockwood4 Jun 2022
You are too right!
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After 22 months just take him to the front yard and hose him down like he was a Golden Retriever.

I'm only partially joking...
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Cover999 Jul 2022
Lol right

It worked for that really obese lady on "My 600 LB Life"
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Whoever has POA for your husband needs to have him placed in a care facility.
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PeterG Jul 2022
POA does not give you the right to force them into memory care. You'd need guardianship appointed by the court or agreed upon by your loved one
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I have POA but my son is in the process of getting conservatorship over him as we speak. Till then, I was hoping for ideas to at least getting him cleaned up for the painful, transition for him and us into memory care.
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cignal Jun 2022
sorry to say we never found a solution for this problem for my mother until she got to memory care. at home she would shower if she had a doctor's appointment but otherwise pretty much never would. and she didn't do a very good job the few times she did shower. i suggested to another poster that they 'accidentally' spill something on him that he can't just sit with and has to change his clothes, and then during that process say 'let me just use these wipes under your arms...' and a big swab of gel deodorant. that worked for me a couple times, but only on the top half. now in memory care they change her clothes every day and shower her twice a week. something about a stranger handling it has her too timid to refuse. we were unwilling to be too forceful to get her in the shower so she just never did, but it's somehow easier to take direction from strangers i guess. and now she's used to it, and they're no longer strangers. it's just part of the machine that is a memory care schedule. i was with her tonight and stayed a bit late so i said how about we put your pajamas on? she was happy to, completely compliant, no objection whatsoever. back when she was at home if i suggested she change into pajamas she'd refuse, and she'd wear the same thing for a week. no memory care is perfect but this is one area where they are definitely getting it right.
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Time to get him to a doctor. Have a psych evaluation. Maybe you can do it by Tele conference online like zoom bc of covid and being infermed. He needs help.
What if they said we are no longer allowing this in our home. Take soap, water washcloth in and bathe him. He is acting like a 4 yr old, having a tantrum. They could withhold tv, food until he washes if he can walk. Make him come out to meals. Give food after he bathes. Shut off the tv until he does. Stop catering to him. They are, and he doesn't have to change his ways. They need to stop that. If someone stunk up my house, I'd have them removed if they didn't change. Time to find out where they can put him. Everyone in life has to do something they don't like. Why is he allowed to wallow in his filth? They are being push overs
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Buttercupy Jul 2022
You can't just throw people away and lock them up because they no longer have the cognitive ability to do those things on their own. You try to figure out how to work with them. They aren't doing this on purpose. You need to study on caring for someone with Alzheimer's.
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