How do I get through mother's last days?

It sounds like you'd do better if you and your sister-in-law cross paths as little as possible. And I would think as an in-law, her input would/should be minimal. If your brother disagrees with what you're doing for your mom, then that's one thing, but your sister-in-law isn't immediate family, so I think she needs to butt out. But that's just my view and others may disagree. I'd ask for your brother's support as much as possible in making things work between you and your sister-in-law, but recognizing that he's in the middle between you two. But he needs to throttle back his wife's bossiness.

As far as your mom's decision-making goes, I'm in a similar place with my mom. She'll be 94 in a few days and has atrial fib and is on heart meds to slow her heart. Her decision-making skills are pretty much gone. I have tried to give her two options when she needs to decide something, but I can tell she's like a 5-year old, she doesn't know what to do and it makes her anxious. So I'll usually say, "Well why don't we do X, does that sound OK to you?" and she'll agree and be fine. So I'd say, help your mom make the best decisions for her. With her low oxygen levels, she's probably not able to make good decisions on her own.

But also know that if your mom has reached 97 years old, you two have done an awesome job and whatever you decide (hospice or no hospice) is JUST FINE. Good grief, she's already outlived just about everyone in her age group. So relax and know that you can take the best info and make the best decision and if you need to change it, you can change it! None of this stuff is cast in concrete.

And say what you need to say to your mom now. I have nothing "undone" with my mom. If she goes tomorrow, I'll be sad, but I'll know I've done the very best I could for her and that is ENOUGH. No regrets, no guilt. It should be the same for you. You've been an AWESOME daughter. Now relax as much as you can and let your mom's life be as comfortable and pleasant as possible in whatever time she has left. That's the most any of us can ask!

Twinflower, I'm so sorry. What a dreadful time this is for you.

You have been caring for your mother for five years. You know her better than anyone. That is all the back-up you need for claiming the authority to make final judgements; and all the more so since you have clearly demonstrated your willingness to take everyone's feelings into account.

Lean heavily on the hospice people. That's what they're there for, and they do their job very well.

I am so sorry for your mother. We often like to believe that when the time comes we will know how we want to approach our own death. But how can we know? Hold her hand. Don't be moved from her side if you don't want to be. You have the right. God bless you, and send comfort to your mother. xxx

I printed your answers and took them with me today. I needed the support and it helped a lot to have your words with me. Thank you. I was an object of ridicule and derision today from both my brother and sil. I stood up for myself, and I didn't back down, and believe me the exasperation and eye rolling and ridicule was very intense. Afterwards, I had a few hours sitting with mother who was completely zonked on anxiety medicine, and I took the opportunity to talk to her and tell her things I wanted to say to her. But in my heart there was no peace, just aloneness, grief because I 'm losing my mother, and after today I was divested of the last thread of hope that I wouldn't lose my brother. Their opinion of me is so low, that it would be logical to hate myself, except I've been there done that and had 20 years of therapy to get over it!
Thankfully hospice will be there tomorrow, and I'm expecting them to respect our individual needs. Thank you for your help. It is all I have and it is greatly appreciated. Without you all, I would be beaten down.

You can have Hospice come out and do an evaluation, she can talk to them and she can decide to throw them out if she wants to. They will help the family as a group, since they take the burden off and there is nothing left to argue about.

One thing at a time. First, your mother. Afterwards, if you still want to, you've got the rest of your life to decide what if anything to do about your brother and his wife. We'll be here thinking of you xxx

My mother passed away this morning. She died before the hospice could come for the intake. I was called at 7am asking about the hospice. I went right in and they said she had been in a lot of pain, but she had been given meds and was much more comfortable when I arrived. She was out from the anti-anxiety medicine, and I don't know if she knew I was there. I sat with her for about a half hours and talked to her. I was on the phone sometimes hospice and the med aides were in and out. When my mother was as comfortable as possible I went to the kitchen to get a bite to eat, and when I got back, my brother was coming in, and I found my mother had passed. Because she was not part of hospice, the med aide came to verify the death, then was required by law to call the EMTs to pronounce the death, and then the police to "investigate" the death. Once the police left, then the funeral people came to take mom away. If my mother had been in hospice, then none of that would have happened, and we could have called the funeral home.
I asked for and received a delay to sit with my mom after she passed. The med aide delayed as long she could. I knew she was probably going to get herself in trouble, so I felt a little hurried and I now wonder if it would have been better to have more time. The med aide loved my mother, and my mother loved her, and she was grieving as well. I didn't want her to be in trouble, so I did my best to assess my feelings, learn from the wisdom they brought and to once again, tell my mother what I wanted to. I am now wracking my brain to remember whether or not, at some point in the last few months, if I told my mother I would miss her. I think I did, and I hope I did. I know I said everything else.
My brother and I had had only a few minutes before SIL came. As soon as the funeral director took my mom, she wanted to clean out the apartment. I told her I understood she was hands-on person and saw a task and wanted to get in there and take care of it. I explained that I wasn't like that. I wanted to go slow and take time with the task of going through mother's things. That this was part of my grieving process, and would help me. I told her she didn't have to like it or approve of it, but that this would help me. Neither she nor my brother showed grief, but I know that is not always something we see. I covered the objections...money is not an issue, no kids or jobs to get back to...all the time in the world...etc. She agreed and I hope that is what happens. We did take the money and the jewelry and some of the papers, checks and ID/passports, etc. just to be safe.
I overheard my SIL tell my brother that I should have called him earlier than I did. I got there at 7:45a and called brother with the hospice appt. time at 8:30. He arrived at 9a. The agreement was to let him know when the hospice appt. was. And I didn't know when my mother would pass away. Three of my elder relatives passed away with me there, but not actually present when they passed. I just don't know how that happens. In every case, I was gone just a few minutes. I chose not to be offended by my SILs fault finding because I just couldn't. But it was upsetting just the same.
One of the things that has completely made me feel awful and good at the same time is the relief I feel at being free. I am so sorry to feel that way. I didn't want to say it out loud to anyone, it makes me ashamed and causes me to feel so sorry for having those feelings. I keep wanting to say "I didn't mean to think that, or feel that". But my caregiving duties are now for my Aunt, and I have trustee status and can hire help for her. It seems horrilble of me to feel these feelings before my grieving can subside.
I thank all of you again for your help. I am so grateful for the time alone with my mom yesterday. Bless you all and kindness, love, strength and prayers to you all. Thank you for the words to carry with me.

TwinFlower I am so sorry your mom went so quickly, but at the same time, I'm very grateful that her passing was quick and she didn't linger in pain or agony. You have done your VERY best so please, please, please don't second guess your decisions or actions. You did all that you can do.

And your sister-in-law just looks for things to be upset about. Imagine your poor brother living with that every day of his life. I'm sure it's not just with you...but that she does it about a lot of things. One way you can deal with it is when she does something like make a rude comment, just think to yourself, "Oh there she goes again. That's just how she is." And then let it go. Don't bother to give her criticism weight in your brain. She's not worth it. She's a negative, miserable person. And now she'll have to find other things to be miserable and critical about.

And it's very normal to feel both a feeling of sadness and of freedom. That's just being human. Now you don't have to worry about your mom any more. She's at peace. And I hope you will be too. Please remember her life and not the last day and her death. I'm sure she wouldn't want you fussing over whether you said this or that to her. I'm sure she loved you beyond measure and would be happy for you to go on and be happy and at peace in your life. And I'm equally sure that she knew that you loved her and would miss her.

Twinflower, I'm so sorry. Your mother will rest in peace better for having had you with her as you were.

Blannie's advice is right and excellent. It is also a great deal kinder to your sister in law than I feel capable of being right now. I found myself weeping with anger this afternoon to think of someone mocking a person like yourself who was actually in the process of caring for her dying mother. It made me feel sick. But, again, Blannie is right; don't waste anger on her, it can only hurt you.

It was generous of you to share your sitting still time with your mother's aide. She will remember you gratefully for that. There never is enough time, though; that's the world turning, I'm afraid, there's nothing you can do to slow it down.

I am very glad that you were able to make clear your wishes to take your time with clearing your mother's home. You were right to understand that different people have different ways of coping; but your ways are the ones that matter now.

Not everything about your mother's passing was as calm as you could have wanted, the aftermath bureaucracy must have been a trial. But you're through it, your mother is at rest, and soon you'll be ready to enjoy looking forward - as I'm sure she would have wished you to, knowing, I'm equally sure, that you wouldn't miss her any the less for that. God bless you. xxx

It is absolutely normal to feel relief - not that your mother is dead, but that her suffering is over, and that she is safe. Also, there is relief that your love for your mother is no longer tied to her poor failing body. You can remember your mother as all the women she was - the beautiful young mother, the confident middle-aged woman, the old but wise and strong woman of earlier days.

And honestly, I might love my mother more than anything, but changing her diapers is still unpleasant.

Death is so bleeping incomprehensible. Where did she go? I still don't really understand it. May good memories and passing time bring you comfort.

Thank you for the support. I'm shocked by something and feel so disrespected.
After working so hard to ask to have mother's apartment left as it was so I could go through things as part of my grieving process, after I left, my SIL and brother apparently emptied boxes, drawers, piled unwanted things here and there and took many items home. After an explicit agreement where I was to have time to sort through things, and then they could do whatever they wanted.
I had been keeping notes for years on where mother put things she wanted me to know about. I moved over a year ago, and I was talking to my brother tonight and mentioned that so far I had found only one note about stuff she wanted me to round up. It was in the Radio Shack box that was in the closet. My brother and SIL had dumped out the box and took the radio home. My mother's Christmas card list was in the box. She wanted me to use that list to notify her friends of her passing. When my brother told me I got angry. A simple, clear agreement that was spelled out and agreed to by all of us, didn't last two minutes. After we had removed the jewelry and ID stuff, I had again said in front of both of them to just leave things and I'd be through in a day or two and call them when they could come clean it out. I went to the dentist because I have an infected tooth, and then I was exhausted and went home.
I feel beside myself. I can't cry because I'm too angry. I can't get angry because I have too much grief. I have no way to think about this right now. I don't know how much they took or what they did. I can't keep the promises I made to my mother.

TwinFlower I would say just leave this for a couple of days. Grieve in your own way. Then you can try to honor your mom's wishes. If you can't it's not because you didn't try, it's because your brother and his wife undid what you tried to do. Again, no guilt or shame over that. You had an agreement and they broke it. Shame on them. But right now, just relax and grieve. If you don't get to notify more distant friends for a couple of days that will be OK. This too shall pass...just know that you've done the very best you could for your mom.

I don't know what to say. Twinflower, I'm sorry, I wish I could think of something helpful or comforting or at least vaguely constructive. I just can't believe this has happened and I don't know what to say.

The worst I can wish for them is that one day they will understand what they have done.

Take time out. Is the funeral home one where you can spend a little time reading, thinking, just sitting quietly? Is your aunt nearby? I'm just trying to think of somewhere you can go to spend a few hours undisturbed. Are you in touch with a minister, perhaps?

What's happened is awful. You need a little time to yourself, and you need some good sleep. xxx

twinflower ((((((hugs)))))) I am so sorry about what your bro and sil did. That was dreadful. You needed to take your time to do what had to be done. Your mother will understand so don't worry about that. The feelings will surface in time. Right now you are too overwhelmed with losing your mum and the other stuff. Take it one day at a time, one hour, one minute, Breathe deep, have a cup of tea or whatever comforts you. Concentrate on yourself and know you have done a great job. Yes, relief and freedom is normal. Don't worry about it. Do the best you can with notifying people but do not beat yourself up about not being able to keep the promises you made to your mother. You would if you could. It is not your fault. ((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))).

What obnoxious CREEPS! I'm so sorry.

Thank you all. I'm just worn out I think. I've not had enough sleep, but I don't know how to get any. Just toss and turn. I called my brother after I had calmed down. He apologized. I'm just numb I think. Mother spent six months of the year in Mexico for over 30 years. Her Christmas card list was a list of people in many countries whom I had never met. This year she had chosen only a few to send cards too as it was too difficult to write. I will send those with a note and that will be that.
I want so much to just take time. To not think about anything. I remembered when my mother's sister died in 2000, my brother was there and he was the best support and help imaginable.
At the time I was so grateful to have him and not be alone. So I have that memory. And I know he is trying. He doesn't understand the emotions. It is hard to see almost no expression of support or grief, just busy, busy, busy, go to the bank, go to the lawyer, hurry up clean everything out, get everything done. Do they want to leave and go home? Do they want to go to Texas to their son's house for Christmas? Why the hurry? I understand working on things and getting through the tasks, but the pace of their activity is frantic to me, and I guess that's always been true now that I think of it.
I don't know what to do with myself, I guess. I'm going to see Aunt, and one of her caregivers is coming to support me, so I will be with loving people today who truly care and will understand what I've been through.
On Thanksgiving Day when the intense mocking and exasperation was going on, when my brother and sister were giving me such a hard time, my mother joined in the derision of me. It is a very hurtful and long standing family dynamic to treat me this way. The last time it was really bad like this was when my Grandmother died in 1996. I was hoping to avoid it, but it wasn't to be. Most of the time my mother and I were close and good to each other, but with my brother in the room and acting the way he did, she joined in. When I was ten, my father was killed, and my mother was left alone with two kids to raise. The family dynamic shifted and I was the repository of their unspoken anger and grief. Two against one, I guess. Mother never saw how cruel it was. I was pretty damaged by that.I was sorry it came up again. At the time, I asked mother if I had been a good caregiver, and she said, oh yes, and then I asked, why am I a bad person now? And she said I wasn't. She accused me of ruining her last moments. Before she went completely out from the meds, I told her that I was sorry we had had such a rough ride together, but that I loved her and had done my best. I'm feeling a bit haunted. I know I have to go on. The one step at a time suggestion is good. Thank you all so much. Bless you all. Your thoughts help me keep perspective and remind me to value myself and care for myself. The hugs are most welcome. I hope all the angels are hugging you.

Twinflower some people deal with grief through activity. That's probably what your brother is doing. By keeping active, he doesn't have to feel the feelings. He can push them away through staying busy.

With your further explanation I can see why you're focusing on what you haven't been able to do. I think you may be still be trying to earn the respect and approval of your mom, which was intermittent throughout your life. That's the quickest way to get someone confused and anxious. You never know if you're going to get approval or criticism. If you haven't been getting counseling, it would be a good time to start. It's time to let all of that old stuff go. You did your very best and that's more than enough. Your mom is at peace.

Now you can find peace and happiness in the fullness of your own sweet, loving personality. You deserve that! Find your interests and participate in them. Get together with friends or start to make some. Now you've got the time and you can focus on yourself and your own happiness apart from your mom and your brother.

I'm sure you're right. If my brother uses activity to handle all his emotions then it would explain a lot. I think I knew that, but I forgot to think about it, thank you for reminding me. That's a bit hard, having him do things to handle his feelings, while slowing everything down to be able to handle mine. I'll look for more things for him to do. I did enjoy my mother's approval when I had it. I was hurt very much when I didn't have it. It was always conditional on what I did for her. I tried to become a good person so that no matter what happened, I knew I was a good person. I thought she would catch on, and I think she did, but maybe not 100percent of the time!
Thank you for your help blannie. I do look forward to my life. I had a very nice day with Aunt who, with short term memory loss, is cycling through grief. The caregivers were there and helped me brainstorm appropriate things for the celebration of life. I don't know what is appropriate I guess. Mother wanted everyone to get together and have a dinner or something. But she was gone from the outside world except for a few summer potlucks and ice cream socials near schools where she taught. There are a number of students who remember her, and I keep thinking maybe I need to do something a bit more than just eat out somewhere. Mother taught in small schools and lived in the communities for 35 years. My brother knows a lot of people there. But I still wonder if anyone would come. How much money do I spend? How much effort do I go to? If it was up to me, I would make this a very respectful, full and memorable tribute to my mom. She did a lot of good for a lot of people as a teacher. But would they come? I don't know how to guage that. I don't know yet what my brother wants. So will talk to him. If you have any thoughts, I'd appreciate them.
Thank you!

Well I'm a very low-key person, so I may not be the best one to give advice. If it was up to me, I'd try to combine the memories and celebration of your mom with something good for the community and her role as a teacher.

Maybe you could have an event where you plant a tree in her memory at one of her schools, or donate a bench with her name on it, or start a small garden, something like that; something that will continue to be a reminder of your mom and the contribution she made that would reflect her personality. And I'd set a length of time like from 1-4 PM, so that people could come and maybe write their memories in a book for you or share memories with you and your brother that you videotape...so that you're not putting up a lot of money for an event that might not have the turnout you'd like to see. If you have snacks, then it wouldn't cost very much. You could have a board with pics of your mom throughout her life. That's what I'd do...respectful, good for the community, and a way to get your mom's friends together with you and your brother to celebrate her life. Maybe others will have good ideas...

Twinflower, people will come. Who forgets a good teacher? But let other people do the work! x

blannie, your ideas are wonderful. Countrymouse, you made me laugh. Thank you. I think my brother needs to get a bench!
Thank you so much.

I didn't know whether to start another thread or not. Today was really hard.
I felt so good after understanding my brother grieved with activity. I thought I could think about it in a way that would work. But when I got to the apt. most things were gone. Just little things, the clothes and supplies Aunt might need, and a further list of things my SIL wanted. Why she asked about them, I have no idea.
I called my brother to talk about the celebration of life. He didn't like the bench idea. He didn't want to do a scholarship, or donate books to the school library, I tried to tell him if we needed things for a celebration of life, we would need items that represented her interests and pictures, so if everything was at goodwill we wouldn't be able to pull something together. He got that, but I have a feeling since we couldn't agree on anything, it was useless. The only thing he would agree to was maybe a display at a reunion next summer when the people who knew her would be there. I'm OK with that, but that means doing nothing now when people are thinking of her and remembering her. I couldn't get him to agree to remembrances for anyone or anything.
As for the tearing apart of the apt. on the day mother died, I asked that in the future, with Aunt, we do it differently. I tried to frame it as we both grieved in different ways and w could work together. But apparently if I want to sit and reflect about Aunt's life, and remember being where she lived and giving thanks for her and my time with her, and grieving and saying good bye before everything gets ripped apart, I am putting my grieving ahead of his, and he started to fight with me. So I asked him why we couldn't just accept that we are different and work together so we both get what we need. And he didn't understand that. I have watched my SIL challenge just about everything people say. If she can't make sense of it, it's not believable. After overhearing her comments about how I should have called my brother sooner on the morning mother died, I realized that her fault finding of me could be undermining my relationship with my brother, which was at one time pretty solid. I told him the most important things to me were that we trusted each other, were on the same side, and worked things out.
He probably couldn't hear that or understand it. I don't think he can do that. I think he does things by power.
I went to Sunday dinner with mother's tablemates. I had taken flowers and a card to them the day after mother died. I don't know if it's common knowledge, but the facility can't tell the residents anything about when someone dies. So the friends, card partners and tablemates never know what happened. So I brought the flowers and the card. One of the women said the little memorial at mother's place at the table, gave her closure because she knew what had happened. They don't know when someone's gone if they are in the hospital, visiting or dead. It's brutal to not know if you've become friends with someone and they disappear.
I went to all of her friends that I had met and told them what had happened and let them tell me their stories and it helped me, but I still wanted to sit in her room again. She died Friday, It's Sunday.
Why couldn't they wait a little bit. It's been really hard on me.

TwinFlower, I'm so, so sorry your brother is being such a dope about letting you grieve in your own way. Since he handled your mom's things the way he wanted, maybe he can let you handle your aunt's things the way you want. He and his wife are being very quick about getting rid of your mom's things. I've never heard of anyone doing it that fast. So I think you have every right to feel sad and hurt about how he's handled it. He is not budging or compromising one inch with you.

Would it be possible for you to do something on your own, without his approval as a remembrance of your mom? It sounds like what you did with her dinner mates was wonderful. That sounds like an awful policy that they don't let residents know what happened to people they lived around. At my mom's facility, they put up a picture when someone passes away, so that everyone knows what happened to them.

I'm not trying to create friction between you and your brother, but nothing says you have to agree on everything (and you obviously don't). Maybe do something small and meaningful in your time frame and invite him. If he doesn't want to come, oh well. But you can do what you want to do. He's sided with his wife, which isn't surprising, because he lives with her and has to be around her every day. But he doesn't control you and what you choose to do to honor your mom.

You're right, I can do what I want. I want the bench and to plant a tree and make a really nice place for someone to sit and read. She would love a place like that and it's perfect as far as I'm concerned. But in this day and age, the school she taught at for 30 some years narrowly missed being consolidated with a school 8 miles away last year. She never taught there, and the bench would have to be moved if there is a consolidation in the near future.

I accidently posted that before I was through....I guess the rest of what I want to say is that I'm now thinking that I will have to make sure there is fairness in what is being done. I've never known him to be unfair with money, but after this last go-round, I'm not very confident. He has indicated things will be different with Aunt, but do I want to take the chance? If fortune is on my side they will be far away and not able to get her very quickly. They spend summers in a remote spot and they had told me they wouldn't come if mom died, so I doubt they would come when Aunt dies, if it's while they are there. They didn't come when my step-father died in July three years ago.
As for the picture being posted, if the facility agrees, I think I will make a memorial board for the facility. I can make a place for people's pictures to be posted. It would be so much better than not knowing. Thank you for the great idea. And thank you for being here.

twinflower, my youngest son was killed and I gave donations to places he would have liked. I put a bench up across from the house on a trail where he used to run. My father died years ago and I had a lilac in the garden that reminded me of him as his birthday was in May when the lilacs bloomed. Eventually I planted a piece of the lilac by my son's bench. I want to put a rose there too. One year I will move from here and not be able to take the bench with me, but I will have the memory and pictures. Some people release balloons in memory of their loved one and/or keep a special candle to light on occasions. People have enjoyed my son's bench. I have a plaque on it in his memory. There are many ways to commemorate a lost loved one. You could even google it. Some people scrapbook, some keep a memory box... Find out what works for you, that does not depend on your brother. I used to go sit by the river and eat a hamburger where my son and I did a few times. All these things help, (((((((hugs))))))

Thank you emjo for your ideas. I guess I will turn to the immediate things, and try to work through them. Then I"ll try to find what works for me. We meet with the funeral director today and some decisions have to be made about what is announced in the obituary. I'm hardly able to think at all. I'm very grateful for all of you.

twin - rely on the funeral home staff. they will lead you through this. Of course, it is too soon to be thinking about other things - just know you have some alternatives and can do what you need to do in future.
This is a very difficult time. I know. Be kind to yourself. You will get through it. You are still in shock and probably feel like you are in a fog to some extent. . No one prepares us for these things, though everyone faces them at some point. Keep coming back here for support. Let us know how things work out. Big (((((((((hugs)))))))))))). My prayers are with you.

The funeral home was very helpful. I remembered the gal because she helped when my stepfather died. My brother was having his own grief issues. He was foggy and had run a red light on the way the meeting. We decided to ask for remembrances to the local Alzheimer's Assoc. as mother favored that organization as she (and I) were caregivers to my step father who was an Alzheimer's patient.
I thanked my brother for taking care of all the legal stuff. He said he owed me one since I had settled the last two estates. I guess we're all on a roller coaster.
The floodgates are really starting to open, and I'm haunted by my mother's last hours. I know it's healthier to bless everybody, forgive everybody and let go, It's my mantra. But right now I feel like I was in an altered state when that happened because of feeling attacked and now I am back in touch with my feelings. My mom was in there swinging at the end, and I don't know how to think about it. I told someone who laughed and said "of course, who else is she going to swing at". And I laughed at that. It's so true. We did go back to 1960 and the death of my father and that whole dynamic.
The funeral home counselor suggested writing an obituary that offered a contact email for anyone interested in getting together for a celebration of life.
My brother thought that was a good idea and we can have the gathering at the school before a basketball game. Just put out dessert and punch and put up some things to remember Mom. So I went to the apt. and retrieved a few things, and I can fill in the rest of it from my stuff.
I've discovered today that I am coming down with something. If you don't hear from me, I'm under the weather.
Thank you so much for helping. I know all the wisdom here comes from loss and experience. Bless you all for sharing.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) You are getting things done, making the necessary decisions.,,Grief is very physical as well as emotional. try to eat properly, stay hydrated, rest/sleep as best you can. Hope you are not coming down with a bug. Take care of you!!!

Woah - Twinflower, how's that tooth? Watch out it's not an infection that's getting to you, you're bound to be at a low ebb and vulnerable. I'm touched and relieved that everyone around you is being so much more human. Just let it all happen. Take care xxx