For the past 2 years Mom's been slipping; now she's been lying and fooling everyone. How do I get them to see?

SadiePi , many of us have spent years not earning so that we can stay home to care for loved ones, only to find that as time goes on it's hard to recoup our financial losses (impossible in most cases).

You've also got the house to consider since half of it is yours. With your mother's ability to make others believe her skewed version of things, I think that an elder law attorney would be a good idea. You can lay it all out and see what your next step should be.

I also think that seeing a counselor for yourself would be wise. The kind of treatment you've received can become so overwhelming that it's hard to see our way forward. You have a right to worry about your future as well as what will happen to your mother, yet it's easy to wonder if caregivers have rights at all.

You've gotten some wonderful advice from this terrific group of people who've all been through a lot. I agree with many of their points. To boil it down, however, I'd say that an appointment with an elder law attorney should be a priority right along with a counselor to help you sort out your own emotional rights in this difficult situation.

We all need support at various times in our lives. Seeking help in various areas is a sign of strength. You've already shown that you have an abundance of strength, so take a couple of extra steps to bolster your support system.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol

I had the same issues with my mom. I tried EVERYTHING: live in help, building an addition, meals on wheels and she refused it all. She was just so stubborn and mean when I mentioned anything and even when I would visit her. She began fighting with my nephew who was taking care of her and it was making him physically sick. she was also falling and very unsteady on her feet. I looked into assisted living and found a nice one close by. It is expensive but I figure it's mom's money anyway. She called 911 one day about 8 weeks ago and that is when I made the move and took her right to the facility from the hospital. I am her POA so I could do that. She has limited short term memory and makes up stories about things, such as how she got there, and I am always the bad guy. She is there now and says she hates it. She wants to move to Florida o be with "family" but the family there are all very elderly and wouldn't even be able to visit. Now that she is in the ALF she is looking better, has her meds at the right times and is well fed. She wants out but from what I'm hearing it takes about 3 months for them to adjust. It still breaks my heart that she is there and so "unhappy" but I didn't have any options...she was an accident waiting to happen if she stayed in her own home and that guilt would have been much worse then the guilt I have now.

Sadie, just to correct three salient misunderstandings included in your post:

1. It is in no way illegal for your mother's doctor to discuss with your mother any information that concerns your mother. It is, however, a breach of confidentiality for the doctor to discuss your mother's medical care with you without your mother's explicit consent. If you have concerns about your mother's welfare, you should feel free to report these to her doctor, though: so what if it does get back to your mother, isn't that kind of the point? The idea is to raise the issues.

2. Your mother is at liberty to will her property to whomever she pleases, regardless of merit. That may not be acceptable to you, but it is to the law.

3. You have nothing to fear regarding your mother's cavalier assumption that when the time comes she'll "just move in with" you. If this is not a prospect you welcome, the correct response is: "oh no you won't."

But never mind all that. I'm absolutely sympathetic to how alone you must feel, if you have no one to share your mother's care and your mother's attitude to you is so dismissive. Who are these other relatives? And how much do you have to do with your mother, day to day?

Sadie, the only way to move her against her will is with a court order and Guardianship. It sounds like she could easily fool the court evaluator and convince him she is well enough to stay where she is.
All of us here have gone through that no-man's-land where mom is not bad enough to get custody, but not good enough to be alone. Eventually it changes, and it is usually after a fall and a hospital stay. Good luck to you.

Has it become dangerous for her to be on her own? It's hard to tell from your post what her medical and mobility issues are. Is she falling.? If she has dementia and is uncooperative it will be very hard to get her in care against her will. Would she accept some in home care? Educate yourself about dementia using this site. You have to understand she can no longer be reasoned with. No amount of explaining, correcting or arguing with her will accomplish anything. As she progresses you may have to consider legal guardianship so that you can properly care for her with or with out her consent. It doesn't sound like you're prepared to take her into your home. Some folks do this for years and are able to survive but for most people it becomes totally consuming.

If your mom goes into a nursing home, she'll pay for her care until your rightful inheritance is used up. Then taxpayers will make sure mom isn't floated out to sea. There are ways to protect at least some of it. An elder law attorney can advise you.

You're an only -- both a blessing and a curse when it comes to watching over our elderly parents. Start looking at nursing homes for mom just in case. She may transition to an assisted living facility. There is no point in using her money to pay for more care than she needs.

But if you are not willing or able to give mom the advanced care she may come to need, be prepared to spend her money on her care. We all save our money for a rainy day. When it starts pouring outside, it's time to spend it.

The trouble comes when you've already spent your money, and/or used up years you would otherwise have devoted to profitable employment, taking care of your parent. I'm in that boat too. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing: so I hope you've done a better job than I did of documenting the actual expenditure; and presumably ownership of the house is down in black-and-white. The hypothetical loss of earnings, though, and the verbal understandings and undertakings - forget it. These have no standing in the world of contract or of probate.

Hi, I feel for you! My mother was slipping into dementia and becoming more helpless and dependent on me. Whenever we ran into people we know she would pull it together somehow, and everyone would tell me how great she looks. She was hanging on by a thread. As soon as they get some even minor illness they seem to slip deeper and then plateau for a while until everyone notices. I was so frustrated and feeling like the bad guy.Then I started getting concerned phone calls that were a relief and yet also made me sad that this once smart lady is gone. She is still a burden and new challenges replace each problem I solve. There are many phases to this disease. Try to vent your feelings and take frequent breaks. I understand how exhausting some days can be.

My mother tricked people for years too. And she kept up her personal appearance well. It's funny how when people 'look good' it's assumed they are. It used to frustrate and (I'll admit it) sometimes anger me. But I've learned that some of what your mom is doing comes from fear. My mother watched as her friends lost their wits and were placed in facilities and it scared her. It's easy to fool folks when they only exchange a couple of sentences with her once every 6 mos., or so. :) My mother had a few 'pat' (general) phrases that she found served her well for casual conversations. She would use them with confidence which added to their authenticity :) Only a day-to-day caregiver knew if the answers being given were correct. People were always telling me how GREAT my mother was doing. Then one day, her cardiologist was asking her questions and caught my tired look. He asked her, "How old are you?" She confidently & somewhat arrogantly snapped, "it's right there in the chart" and glared at him. He smiled and said, "I know - but I want to see if YOU know." She didn't. And unfortunately, dementia brings an additional challenge to care giving. Your first inclination is to ask the person a question - only to realize that the answer may not be accurate. (ie) One day she was in pain and needed to go to a doctor. I asked her questions about the pain, found a doctor that was taking new patients & had an opening. Two hrs later, she didn't remember the conversation and was not having pain. It's difficult to correctly respond to situations when you go into them with incorrect information. So I took her to her PCP for a chat. He knew fairly quickly that dementia had a foothold and saw the hopeless look in my face. He wrote something on his prescription pad and handed it to me: It read ___ has dementia and should not be making financial or health decisions for herself. Then he said 'hope this helps' with any legal issues. Good luck. And walked out.

It seems like you need to get her away from the doctor who has been enabling this behavior. Since I assume he is getting paid be her insurance he is not going to do anything because her case is very lucrative for him. He gets her health insurance money and probably banks the interest too. You could report him to your state medical board for taking her money and enabling her behavior. Some doctors don't care as long as they are paid. Another side of the coin as well your family members are enabling your mothers behavior because they want something from her so beware of the vipers in sheep's clothing.