How do you get an elderly spouse transported to assisted living when he doesn't want to go?

Dear Valahey,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I know many seniors are afraid of assisted living. But if you are at the end of your tether and need to make this decision but your spouse is unwilling, is there any other option? Can a social worker assist with options? More home care?

The other option is normally wait for an incident when they are in hospital. In these cases the family insists there is no one at home to care for them and then they will be transferred to an assisted living or nursing home.

I know its hard. I hope you can get additional supports soon for yourself and your elderly spouse.

Thinking of you.

Gee.................such nice answers. He needs care which I cannot handle because of a stroke last year, but he's not demented. He knows what's what and I need more than another lightweight social worker to talk to him. In the 1990's there were transports of teens to rehab facilities by companies who took the teens under their wings until arrival. I'm looking for that kind of help.

Pie in the sky "hopes" do not help the situation.

Valahey, what kind of relationship do you have with your spouse?

Is he selfish and wants what he wants? Has he always been like this, or is this recent...meaning that there might be some dementia?

Have you thought about leaving? Does he know that? Because if it was a choice between my health and him going to a care center, where I could be his advocate, i know which one I'd choose. Because it would be for his own good.

One more thing...if he's the one who had the stroke (I'm unclear from your query), there may be vascular dementia in play. As in, his memory is fine but judgement and reasoning are off.

I'm sorry there haven't been more answers. I think perhaps this will get you bumped up so there are more.

Val, teenagers are minors. Your husband is, in theory, a competent adult.

Does his doctor say he's incompetent? You could then sue for guardianship, but it doesn't sound like that's an option.

Are you interested in moving to AL? Is the issue that he doesn't want to be separated from you?

Bumping this up for more replies.

I did a quick search of previous questions of this sort. Everyone mentions that an Eldercare attorney to look after YOUR interests is a good person to have on your team.

Bumping up again.

I'm curious if a family doctor can say it's time for assisted living? My dad lives alone and has fallen four times now. The first three times we took him to emergency just to get it in his medical record. The other day he fell again and he refused to go to the emergency room because he if afraid they will say he can't live alone. Yet when we take him for his doctor appointments, she never mentions AL.

The problem is you can't physically pick up an adult man and forcefully take him anywhere. My husband was diagnosed with frontolobe dementia when he was forced to see a psychiatrist in order to get his drivers license back after an accident he caused. Before that he absolutely refused to see a doctor. The dementia he has, I believe, is something called anosognosia....a condition in which a person's brain damage will not allow them to even realize anything is wrong. His reasoning is that since nothing is wrong with me I'm not going to see a doctor. I can see this happening with your husband's refusal to consider assisted living. I agree, most of these suggestions are kind, but don't give you (or me) any practical suggestions. For me, I've contacted our coroner's office.....don't laugh....in Louisiana that's where you start to get a protective custody order. I've asked to complete the paper work for an involuntary commitment, if this reaches the point that I can no longer cope with him. I believe what would happen next is that law enforcement officers would pick him up and take him to an appropriate facility for treatment. I really do hope it won't come to that.

The problem is you can't physically pick up an adult man and forcefully take him anywhere. My husband was diagnosed with frontolobe dementia when he was forced to see a psychiatrist in order to get his drivers license back after an accident he caused. Before that he absolutely refused to see a doctor. The dementia he has, I believe, is something called anosognosia....a condition in which a person's brain damage will not allow them to even realize anything is wrong. His reasoning is that since nothing is wrong with me I'm not going to see a doctor. I can see this happening with your husband's refusal to consider assisted living. I agree, most of these suggestions are kind, but don't give you (or me) any practical suggestions. For me, I've contacted our coroner's office.....don't laugh....in Louisiana that's where you start to get a protective custody order. I've asked to complete the paper work for an involuntary commitment, if this reaches the point that I can no longer cope with him. I believe what would happen next is that law enforcement officers would pick him up and take him to an appropriate facility for treatment. I really do hope it won't come to that.

In other states, you can have someone committed for an involuntary psychiatric xamination. In Florida, it's called Baker Acting someone.

The thing is, the OP's husband is physically disabled, but it doesn't appear that he's been diagnosed with any cognitive or mental impairment.

In any event, she seems to have " left the building ".