How do I get my spouse tested (or recognize) for dementia when he is not willing?

JMC, it's does sound like he is developing some form of dementia but it's very hard to force someone to get tested. It may not be worth the battle.

I would suggest that you learn all you can about dementia and how to deal with it. This site is a great place to start. My Dad also has always refused any testing, IM JUST FINE!! But it's quite clear that he has dementia, very little short term memory, and he can no longer reason through simple problems and tasks. In our case it's just not worth the battle to confirm what we already know.

Just a couple tips, don't argue with him, don't keep trying to convince him something is wrong with him, in his mind all is well. Don't constantly correct him and ask DONT YOU REMEMBER.....I JUST TOLD YOU THAT......... It's ok to fib a little and redirect his attention.

JMCK88,

Sometimes it works to just take the initiative and get something going. Make an appointment for an annual routine physical for him but be sure the doctor knows what is going on. Write letter before the appointment!!! Be sure to mention the moods. Start like that.

Windyridge is right. A diagnosis is not a panacea. You re still on the path you are on with him. BUT medications can really help. First, there are medications to slow the memory loss down, and, more importantly to me personally, he might get medications to help with his mood.

My mother had turned my life into a pure misery--she was the same way. Then she got the right meds and enough of them(!) and now she is a content, cheerful person. Not doped up; she can still beat everyone at bridge. And I no longer want to kill myself and her. That was a year ago and I still can't believe it.

How grateful am I to the chemists who developed these drugs?????? Words fail me.

You will never be able to change him but be certain he will get worse and worse. Good news - you can change yourself. It won't be easy but if you put your mind to it, you can do it. When you do your life will be transformed. My husband has dementia and has for several years. You need to put your mind into a happy place. You have to think of it as a challenge - a game. If you have ever had children - you need to treat him as you did them - but never in a demeaning or disrespectful way. When my husband asks me the same question - I just answer it. Even if it is the 27th time in ten minutes. After several times I just put a smile on my face and giggle in my mind as to the silliness of our lives. This really gets me through most of my day. There are so many things in life that we need to be upset about - don't let this be anymore than silly. Somedays after a few hours or sometimes minutes, my mind doesn't want to play and my frustration takes over. That is when I excuse myself to go into the other room. Of course there are times when I lose it and yell, etc. I then feel awful and guilty that I have inflicted more pain and frustration on him. Then the wonderful upside happens. Five minutes later he has no idea that I was out-of-control angry. Again - just smile and be thankful for the good things still in your life. Good luck - I know you can do it.

It is very common for folks to deny that they have Alzheimer's. This is not helped by the fact that many doctors do not tell their patients.

First off you need to be the person in control. Your husband sounds like he already has belligerence with memory loss. This can be a frightening situation and can even be fraught with danger as if he does have it he can become more and more unreasonable and become threatening.

You must have control over finances and healthcare. These are not maybes but must haves. You must not discuss this with your husband before you speak with an elder law attorney. Call your local Bar Association to get names of elder law attorneys.

Ask about how to become the Durable Power of Attorney for both Finances and Healthcare. You also must have what we call in WA state a POLST or DNR.
DNR documents are displayed in the home usually on the fridge or in the freezer.
They are there for the emergency medical workers and fire station staff if they are called to your home. It simply states yours and your husband's wishes in case of an emergency that might be life threatening. These are filled out with your doctor so that he signs it also.

You can get DVDs about Alzheimer's from your local library. You can find free counseling help nationwide through the Alzheimer's Association in your area. They have 24/7 counselors on staff to help you figure out how to communicate with your husband. I highly recommend these 2 things because the majority of folks do not know the details of Alzheimer's.
It is a shrinking of the brain because it is drying out and there are large gaping holes in the brain so that a person no longer has important reasoning powers.

Before your husband's symptoms escalate you need to have the important documents I mentioned earlier so that you have power over what decisions to make.

I work one on one with severe Alzheimer's patients. What has worked is to communicate quietly, positively and remind the person of your love for them. Stay away from the topic of dementia/Alzheimer's. But do call your doctor and explain to the staff what your concern is about Alzheimer's. Set up a time for a yearly physical. Don't tell the doctor in your husband's presence that you believe he has Alzheimer's. That will only make him resistant.

Once the doctor has made his assessment he can call you later and give you his opinion and he will likely recommend a drug such as Namenda which might help retain some of your husband's capabilities in communication. There are no miracle drugs for the disease.

Researchers have stated that it is a "lifestyle" disease and they feel that it can be prevented caught early on or at least ameliorated somewhat if caught otherwise.

See Jean Carper's very easy to read, short book:

100 Things You Can Do To Prevent Alzheimer's


You can get the book from Amazon for about $14.00 with shipping. Our library here in WA state carries it. She takes all of the relevant research and puts into what you can do easily based on diet change and vitamin supplementation to start.
The sooner you start the faster you will find some answers to your stress and worry.

I was right where you were a few months ago. He finally let me take him to the Memory specialist. Started on Aericept and it really helped but not enough. Then the miracle drug Seroquel. OMG almost like his old self again and now he even realizes he has Dementia. Seroquel saved us for now because I too was ready to walk out and let the cards fall where they may. Remember one thing THEY CANNOT HELP IT...keep repeating that and try your best to get him at least to a neurogolist. Hugs and prayers Let us know

I feel for you all! Sounds quite familiar. My husband has not got dementia -(the doctor says after a quick test.) But he gets things twisted that happened or didnt happen in the past and blames me. I gave a leather jacket he had never worn to charity 20 years ago and he keeps coming back to that and causing a very heated argument . He seems to have a problem with memory and getting things wrong which may be linked to the liver cirrhosis which can affect the brain. I get criticized so much I too want to walk out, I am often in tears and /or shout at him and then feel so guilty as he is so ill and used to be a nice person.
A friend says he should never have been allowed to be so controlling years ago.
Now I feel so mixed up - should I just walk away when challenged - about not keeping the place tidy or filing bills etc etc? I have to hide things I buy without his permission which at my age and circumstances I can afford with my mothers
money. I need a punch bag! Other times he can be sweet and loving. Dual personality perhaps. The doctor says I need a break but he would never go in to respite and we would have to pay the earth if he did agree. A friend says she would stay with him a few days but he says no I can manage. Clearly he cant. I am so exhausted . Please I need sympathy because I feel the only way is to keep going come what may! Must be strong somehow. Good luck all of you carers!

Probe,

Sorry about that. I went through that with my mom starting three years ago. Now I am going through it with my husband. So, empathy, sympathy.

The most difficult phase of all of this is, IMO, this phase: they are not capable of fulfilling their responsibilities, but are not yet ready to admit it or accept help. Everything else, including death, pales in comparison.

Sometimes it takes me days on the phone to fix something. Last week I had to request money back from an insurance company because my husband had paid two companies for our car insurance months ago.

He was very apologetic. Yet I don't think he realizes at all what is happening. I have been repeating myself for YEARS because of his hearing (up to four times for one sentence!!!)--but now must repeat because of his memory. And if I lose my patience, I feel so guilty because he is such a sweet person.

Also, someone said, I think,,,PICK YOUR BATTLES if he says it is dark outside just say I wonder why .if he says he saw something, ask him about it. I have taken a crash course here as my DH was diagnosed July 28th 2015 a day I will never forget.

Good luck to you too rosmarin - I swear sometimes I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride - you never know what will set him off, There are days when he is so caring and "normal" and then I don't know who he is. I'm glad I found this site - so much helpful tips. (And thanks for letting me vent - sometimes I think I just need to vent.) Today is better but we will see what tomorrow brings. I am going to talk to his doctor and see what we can do. Thanks everyone for listening and caring.

I just want to thank all who help with this,,, It is hard for all of us in different ways,,, But you all relate the same,,, I'll keep posting but maybe tonight I'll sleep better tomorrow another day one hour at a time,,, I pray more than ever isthat wrong ,, God is Burdened enough,,, with world problems