He was getting lost, driving on an expired license and couldn't remember his address or phone number. He calls my son every other day asking about the car.
Driving - - tough subject. I dreaded this situation for years before it happened. Before my Dad's illness, he was always heading out in the care to do something. Errands, dogpark, or just going for a ride. Multiple times a day. He didn't like to sit at home. I totally dreaded the day he would not be able to drive anymore.
When illness struck and that day came, every day he wanted to know when he could drive again, where was his car, etc. He said it was my fault, I was keeping him from driving. I didn't want to lie to him, but I also didn't want him to be stressed out, and I didn't want to be the bad guy. So I told him the truth: It wasn't me keeping him from driving, I would love nothing more than for him to drive again....as soon as the doctor said he was medically cleared for driving. If he didn't believe me, I told him to ask the doctor himself. But until then, I would happily drive him anywhere he wanted to go at (almost) any time. I told him I knew that it wasn't as good as driving himself, but it was better than sitting at home all day and we could spend time together. And sure enough, the next time we were at the doctor, he asked. I knew the doctor wouldn't let him drive again. But where I've never had to have this conversation before, doctors have had it many times and can do better with it. Of course, then he was annoyed with the doctor, but he also respected and believed the doctor. And eventually, he got used to me driving him around.
I agree with Grandma1954. Keep giving him reasons why the car is not available. If his dementia is bad enough that he cannot or should not drive, chances are he will not remember your responses. You can enhance your answers by telling him what is being repaired on the car - needs a new battery, had a flat tire, the alternator needed to be replaced, etc. Then change the subject. There may come a time when you need to reduce his access to the phone.
Lots of ways to deflect this... The car is in the shop. Son needed it because his car is in the shop The doctor said while you are taking this medicine you can not drive the car With each of these statements follow up with ..."let's do this" then you can drive where you need to go or if you have no plans to go out say we need to do the dishes, the laundry, some cooking...anything that will get away from the subject.
It took a while but eventually my husband forgot about the car or at least he did not ask all the time and was satisfied when we went for a drive. With dementia of any type keep one thing in your mind about a behavior that you are trying to work with.."This to will pass" For every "problem" the solution will happen due to another decline that will bring with it another set of "problems" that you had not anticipated. So while it is a "problem" now, relish the fact that he uses the phone, calls your son and talks. Soon he will not use the phone, he will not know his son, he will stop talking....
Remind your husband that the son had an emergency need, and it was his idea to generously give him the car...he will bring it back at Christmas. White lies, repeat the next day if it works.
Ask hubs, where do you want to go, I will take you.
That is soooo hard! Giving up his license and car were the hardest thing about my husband's dementia, according to him. He mourned that car for a year. Yes, the focus on the car eventually goes away, but it can take a lot longer than you'd like.
In this case maybe Son could not take Dad's calls, but instead call him. He might be more in charge of the topics that way ... or not.
No foolproof suggestions here, but I offer hugs to you, your son, and especially to your husband.
No. Not unless you take the phone away. Son could stop answering the phone. Your husband will let the car situation go eventually. That's the good news and the bad news. I'm sure he has quiet a bit to say about the car and your son when this happens and it's hard for you to hear. Let your son know it's a problem. Perhaps he can let the call go. Then later in the day call his dad back. He may have forgotten by then. Then you can let son know if that works better. Mary I know you have a hard job. I'm wishing for you calmer days.
When illness struck and that day came, every day he wanted to know when he could drive again, where was his car, etc. He said it was my fault, I was keeping him from driving. I didn't want to lie to him, but I also didn't want him to be stressed out, and I didn't want to be the bad guy. So I told him the truth: It wasn't me keeping him from driving, I would love nothing more than for him to drive again....as soon as the doctor said he was medically cleared for driving. If he didn't believe me, I told him to ask the doctor himself. But until then, I would happily drive him anywhere he wanted to go at (almost) any time. I told him I knew that it wasn't as good as driving himself, but it was better than sitting at home all day and we could spend time together.
And sure enough, the next time we were at the doctor, he asked. I knew the doctor wouldn't let him drive again. But where I've never had to have this conversation before, doctors have had it many times and can do better with it. Of course, then he was annoyed with the doctor, but he also respected and believed the doctor. And eventually, he got used to me driving him around.
The car is in the shop.
Son needed it because his car is in the shop
The doctor said while you are taking this medicine you can not drive the car
With each of these statements follow up with ..."let's do this" then you can drive where you need to go or if you have no plans to go out say we need to do the dishes, the laundry, some cooking...anything that will get away from the subject.
It took a while but eventually my husband forgot about the car or at least he did not ask all the time and was satisfied when we went for a drive.
With dementia of any type keep one thing in your mind about a behavior that you are trying to work with.."This to will pass"
For every "problem" the solution will happen due to another decline that will bring with it another set of "problems" that you had not anticipated. So while it is a "problem" now, relish the fact that he uses the phone, calls your son and talks. Soon he will not use the phone, he will not know his son, he will stop talking....
Even though she passed her drivers license renewal test at 88 and didn't really drive anymore the thought that she couldn't was very hard on her
Dementia is a long tiring journey for everyone
White lies, repeat the next day if it works.
Ask hubs, where do you want to go, I will take you.
Have son change his phone number?
In this case maybe Son could not take Dad's calls, but instead call him. He might be more in charge of the topics that way ... or not.
No foolproof suggestions here, but I offer hugs to you, your son, and especially to your husband.