How can I make my sisters understand I want what's best for mom and dad?
I've been living with my parents for about two years. It wasnt by choice, my husband started using drugs and I had nowhere else to go. We were married for over thirty years and have two grown children I have two older sisters that both live close by. They want me out of here. I don't know why except their both control freaks. My dad took me aside and practically begged me to stay and help with my mom. My dad had a talk with them and set them straight, saying he needs my help with mom. Not just running errands but cooking and cleaning and taking care of my mom. She can really be a handful, diagnosed with dementia. She throws temper tantrums and accuses my dad of liking me more than her. Her memory is shot, perfect example , we are standing in line at Walmart and something set her off(it doesn't take much) she starts yelling at me for her spending too much money! When she gets like that all I can do is just agree with her to calm her down , but it's very trying. Getting back to my sisters, they don't step up to the plate, they may come by once a week for half an hour. Everything is left up to me. Their both retired and has no one to answer to. Now, my sisters and I don't even speak. They do not appreciate me AT ALL.i have cut all ties with them. If they come over I just excuse myself and go to my room. My parents are very upset regarding us girls not getting along. I don't mind being civil, but that's it. Nothing more. They do not appreciate me and all I do for our parents. How can I make them understand I just want what's best for mom and dad.? Offer to take me out to lunch, go shopping, anything to give me a break . They have never offered, but the two of them are like two peas in a pod. They do everything together but don't extend the offer to me. I have become so bitter. They don't have a clue what I do around here. Any suggestions of shaking some sense into them? I'm desperate and frustrated. In tears right now, I'm so depressed.
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So, if you need a break and need to visit your grown kids, call up Sibling #1 & sibling #2, and tell them you are out of town for the following weekend. Please pack a bag, and be ready to spend a great and wonderful weekend with MOm and Dad. Thank You.
My mom went to Independent Living in 2010 and after a stroke and diagnosis of vascular dementia last summer, has been cared for in a NH. One of my brothers lives closest; he and his wife stop by almost every day, but I'm mom's health care proxy and the management of her several medical issues is mine. I work full time at a demanding job; doing this case management (at a distance) is exhausting and at times infuriating, but she is getting far better medical and comfort care than any of us could provide her in our homes. But we're still exhausted. But we have time to visit her, bring her treats and revisit pleasant times rather than being annoyed that it takes her an hour to brush her teeth, or that if she had the choice, the temperature would be 87 degrees year round. We honor our commitment to care for her by GETTING her care. Don't feel guilty.
I noticed that with my boss's wife who has Alzheimer's, in the two years I have known her I have seen a progressive change downward, and she is in her 12th year with the disease. My boss now has several paid Caregivers for her so that he can continue to work.
A thought, though. Why are you waiting for them to extend an invitation to go to lunch? Pick up the phone, call and try to arrange a date...unless the relationship is too far south.
In the end, your dad is begging you to stay. You know darned well he thoroughly appreciates what you're doing. I'd be damned if I'd need THEIR approval to do what I know is right and helpful.
God apparently had a plan for you. Not everyone could go live in with their parents in their old age. You've essentially put your whole life on hold. You don't need affirmation from anyone outside your parents and yourself.
Now look. What do you want to change in this extraordinarily depressing scenario? And how do you expect it to happen?
The thing is, that you entitled your post "what's best for mom and dad" but I think that what's best for them would be to see you doing okay. Close by, seeing them often, yes; but not supported entirely by your father's job creation scheme and with no improvement in your prospects. Clearly both your parents care about their girls very much and just want you all to be okay.
Get a part-time job outside the home. Anything, just for 8-10 hours. Those are working breaks, which can be covered by bought-in care if your sisters still won't help. But my real point is that if you did that, I think you'd see your sisters cry with relief.
Your sisters disapprove of what you are doing, and of how your parents, especially your father, are enabling you. That's why they are behaving like such complete meanies.
Start by having a big family lunch and inviting them. And don't be civil. Ask them for help.
The question is "did you have a good relationship with your sisters before you moved in with Mom and Dad?" do you actually like them and would you want to spend time with them? your mom is going to need more and more care as time goes on so start working on that now. Do they have money to hite a private caregiver at least for a few hours a week so you can go out.
as you are so depressed right now I would suggest a visit to your Dr and get an antidepressent at least for the short term. Make sure he prescribes something reasonably priced. Are you working and do you have health insurance? Think about a way to get into independent housing for yourself, subsidized apartments usually have a long waiting list so get yourself on as many as possible. You can still help your parents and even be with them most of the time but you won't have to worry about not having anywhere to go. Above all keep healthy denentis is a disease that is very hard to deal with and you are only just begining. come back here often there is much support and good ideas. Blessings
Does your husband live with you and your parents? If yes, right now your husband needs the most help to get off the drugs, otherwise everything could really spiral out of control.