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I've been living with my parents for about two years. It wasnt by choice, my husband started using drugs and I had nowhere else to go. We were married for over thirty years and have two grown children I have two older sisters that both live close by. They want me out of here. I don't know why except their both control freaks. My dad took me aside and practically begged me to stay and help with my mom. My dad had a talk with them and set them straight, saying he needs my help with mom. Not just running errands but cooking and cleaning and taking care of my mom. She can really be a handful, diagnosed with dementia. She throws temper tantrums and accuses my dad of liking me more than her. Her memory is shot, perfect example , we are standing in line at Walmart and something set her off(it doesn't take much) she starts yelling at me for her spending too much money! When she gets like that all I can do is just agree with her to calm her down , but it's very trying. Getting back to my sisters, they don't step up to the plate, they may come by once a week for half an hour. Everything is left up to me. Their both retired and has no one to answer to. Now, my sisters and I don't even speak. They do not appreciate me AT ALL.i have cut all ties with them. If they come over I just excuse myself and go to my room. My parents are very upset regarding us girls not getting along. I don't mind being civil, but that's it. Nothing more. They do not appreciate me and all I do for our parents. How can I make them understand I just want what's best for mom and dad.? Offer to take me out to lunch, go shopping, anything to give me a break . They have never offered, but the two of them are like two peas in a pod. They do everything together but don't extend the offer to me. I have become so bitter. They don't have a clue what I do around here. Any suggestions of shaking some sense into them? I'm desperate and frustrated. In tears right now, I'm so depressed.

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YOU ARE THE BABY OF THE FAMILY... WELCOME!!!! Oh yeah, forgot, it doesn't matter how old you are...... YOU ARE THE BABY....

So, if you need a break and need to visit your grown kids, call up Sibling #1 & sibling #2, and tell them you are out of town for the following weekend. Please pack a bag, and be ready to spend a great and wonderful weekend with MOm and Dad. Thank You.
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I assume that what Dad wanted what for Mom to be cared for lovingly, effectively and safely. His idea of how to accomplish that and what in reality is actually effective may be two different things. I would be that his younger, healthier, rational self would bless you for getting your mom into a caring environment where you can visit often as her advocate and loving daughter.

My mom went to Independent Living in 2010 and after a stroke and diagnosis of vascular dementia last summer, has been cared for in a NH. One of my brothers lives closest; he and his wife stop by almost every day, but I'm mom's health care proxy and the management of her several medical issues is mine. I work full time at a demanding job; doing this case management (at a distance) is exhausting and at times infuriating, but she is getting far better medical and comfort care than any of us could provide her in our homes. But we're still exhausted. But we have time to visit her, bring her treats and revisit pleasant times rather than being annoyed that it takes her an hour to brush her teeth, or that if she had the choice, the temperature would be 87 degrees year round. We honor our commitment to care for her by GETTING her care. Don't feel guilty.
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I agree with Maggie above.... and how many of us promised our parents 25 years ago that we would have them live with us.... but 25 years later or even a month later the dynamics change, and that promise cannot be met.

I noticed that with my boss's wife who has Alzheimer's, in the two years I have known her I have seen a progressive change downward, and she is in her 12th year with the disease. My boss now has several paid Caregivers for her so that he can continue to work.
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Lisa, just read your updated post. I think that changes things, frankly. Your mom has just become a candidate for placement, in my opinion. Alzheimer's...a fall risk... Your family should begin looking into what's available for her. One person alone really cannot care for her. She needs 24/7 supervision. Remember, her Alzheimer's is going to progress. She's not going to stabilize and not going to get any better.
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Are you taking care of your parents to help your sisters? Or your parents? Of course, we know the answer. What THEY want is immaterial. Expecting to be able to change their behavior is expecting too much, in my opinion.

A thought, though. Why are you waiting for them to extend an invitation to go to lunch? Pick up the phone, call and try to arrange a date...unless the relationship is too far south.

In the end, your dad is begging you to stay. You know darned well he thoroughly appreciates what you're doing. I'd be damned if I'd need THEIR approval to do what I know is right and helpful.

God apparently had a plan for you. Not everyone could go live in with their parents in their old age. You've essentially put your whole life on hold. You don't need affirmation from anyone outside your parents and yourself.
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As some of you may have read , I lost my dad two weeks ago. Now, it's mom and me. She has Alzheimer's , she's diabetic and has a myriad of physical ailments. She's also a fall risk. My sisters did suggest me getting a small part time job. My dad asked me to live here to take care of my mom.now that he's gone, how would he feel if I started working away from home and my mom? My sisters think that she's well enough to stay home alone here and there while I'm gone .i was thinking of buying one of those med alert pendants, I feel very conflicted I don't want to disappoint my dad as those were his wishes the only thing I can think of is having one of my sisters stay here , that will go over like a lead balloon any ideas?
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Lisa you were married to a man for 30 years. You have two grown sons. Your husband took on the care of his paraplegic mother and became addicted to drugs - in what order, by the way? But anyway, so you left. You returned to your parents' house with no assets, no income? and apparently no plans to resume an independent life. You're run ragged looking after your parents and becoming exhausted. Your sisters - I suppose? - suspect your motives and are impatient with you and give you no support. You are - again, I suppose? - economically dependent on your parents (and you're how old?). You are on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, and They Are Not Working. Not surprisingly, because your brain chemistry is not the root cause here.

Now look. What do you want to change in this extraordinarily depressing scenario? And how do you expect it to happen?

The thing is, that you entitled your post "what's best for mom and dad" but I think that what's best for them would be to see you doing okay. Close by, seeing them often, yes; but not supported entirely by your father's job creation scheme and with no improvement in your prospects. Clearly both your parents care about their girls very much and just want you all to be okay.

Get a part-time job outside the home. Anything, just for 8-10 hours. Those are working breaks, which can be covered by bought-in care if your sisters still won't help. But my real point is that if you did that, I think you'd see your sisters cry with relief.

Your sisters disapprove of what you are doing, and of how your parents, especially your father, are enabling you. That's why they are behaving like such complete meanies.

Start by having a big family lunch and inviting them. And don't be civil. Ask them for help.
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Why fly anywhere? You are close to the Gulf of Santa Catalina, sunshine, beaches, etc. there should be a lot of resorts, hotels, restaurants that would need summer help..... depending on your pay, you could say inland where it would be less expensive, some hotels give discounts for staying week after week. It may not sound like much of a vacation, but it would be much better than what you are dealing with right now. Off hours you could enjoy walking on the beach, browsing the tourist shops, meeting new people, etc.
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I'm already on antidepressants and anxiety meds. I wonder how I would cope without taking them? I'm afraid to find out. My dr. Keeps telling me to take a lengthy get away, like, six weeks at least . Just trying to figure out how to pay for my plane ticket as I have no source of income any suggestions???
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Lisa you are in such a difficult situation but much credit to you for getting from a drug abuser and for taking on the care of your parents. I think i know what the evil sisiters are up to. it is the same old story "follow the money" they are afraid that if you stay with your parents you will own the house when they have gone.
The question is "did you have a good relationship with your sisters before you moved in with Mom and Dad?" do you actually like them and would you want to spend time with them? your mom is going to need more and more care as time goes on so start working on that now. Do they have money to hite a private caregiver at least for a few hours a week so you can go out.
as you are so depressed right now I would suggest a visit to your Dr and get an antidepressent at least for the short term. Make sure he prescribes something reasonably priced. Are you working and do you have health insurance? Think about a way to get into independent housing for yourself, subsidized apartments usually have a long waiting list so get yourself on as many as possible. You can still help your parents and even be with them most of the time but you won't have to worry about not having anywhere to go. Above all keep healthy denentis is a disease that is very hard to deal with and you are only just begining. come back here often there is much support and good ideas. Blessings
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No, my husband and I have been separated for close to five years. I have not lived with him in that period of time. He lives with his paraplegic mother. My boys don't have room for me. Besides, they have their own lies to live. My youngest would take me in a heartbeat but lives with his girlfriends mother, and my oldest blames my situation on me. I'm not the one with the drug problem!!!!!
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Would it be possible for you to stay with either of your two grown children? You need some time off until the dust settles. It's up to your parents to get the family back together and to set some boundaries. Or maybe it is time for your Mom to go into assistant living/memory care.

Does your husband live with you and your parents? If yes, right now your husband needs the most help to get off the drugs, otherwise everything could really spiral out of control.
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