How do I get my siblings to care about my mum when clearly they just would prefer her dead?

How do you get them to change? You can't. You'll probably be happier if you just accept it and get on with your life.

Why should you bother contacting them to report significant events in Mother's life? Because it is the right thing to do, and at least no one can say you contributed to their neglect.

"Care" is kind of vague. Are there specific ways you'd like them to show their caring? You might try asking for specific things. "Sis, could you stay with Mom all day Saturday so I can go to a conference?" "Mother gets so lonely when she has to limit her activities. Could you send her a card or two next week? She loves getting mail and it will cheer her up." Possibly your sisters are clueless about how to show care. Probably not. They probably just don't care about their mother. But give them the benefit of the doubt by suggesting specific actions a few times. If that gets no response, consider yourself an only child as far as caring for Mother goes.

About the sister who didn't respond. I'm guilty of that sometimes because I am just not in the habit of checking my voice mail often. Again, I can't say that applies to your sister, but it is something to consider.

You can't change people but you can change in how you interact with them. If they have refused your requests for help in the past, I would not send them updates any longer. I have one sibling that had very very minimal contact with my elderly parents and they even had the gall to criticize my updates to them. I stopped all updates to them and things have definitely improved to the point that they even very occasionally call my parents. This is because they no longer have my information to rely on.

Genevive, been there. Spent four years of my life caring for mom hoping twisted sisters would offer regular assistance caring for her. Never happened. I got tired of their attitudes towards me, after all they are so much better than me. I quit. Told them to figure it out so mom was placed nearly two years ago. You can quit, stop being the doormat, tell them to deal with it and get on with your life.

I have been caring for my mom for 15 years and my mom and dad together for 9 of those years. I have an out-of-state brother who hasn't been to visit my mom in six years. He's wealthy, married, retired, no kids. I used to make myself crazy with anger. I finally realized it was hurting me and not bothering him one whit. So I quit. I figure his relationship with my mom is between him and my mom.

I'll do my best to care for her (she's 97) because it's the right thing to do. He'll live his selfish life and that's his thing. Not my business. I'm MUCH happier after I let that anger go.

First I am sorry about your mom. My mom fractured broke her hip one year ago, and has been in a nursing home ever since. I have three siblings. I am the youngest. My siblings don't seem like they really care about my mom very much either. I've had the brunt of the responsibility, with cleaning out my moms house, to meeting with her doctors, to going to her holiday parties at the nursing home. It's sad, as my mom treated us all the same growing up. I even have a sibling who is on a ten day vacation, acting like she has no cares in the world. I even made my moms funeral arrangements alone, so they will be done when the inevitable happens. Just know you are doing the right thing. You will have no regrets when your mom passes away. You will know you did everything to take care of her and her best interests. Sad . but somewhat common I think in families. One of my siblings always has her hand out for money, from my mom (always did ) and thats the only time she is around. Try to stay true to yourself. Love your mom, and you will always remember your special relationship with her. Your siblings will have to live with their behavior. Hugs and prayers.

Dear Genevieve,

I'm so sorry to hear how hurt you are by your siblings indifference. I know its hard when you are carrying the all the burden and responsibility. You love your mom and want her to have the same attention from all her children. I know you are trying to include them and there is so much indifference.

I did the same thing. I was consumed with anger and resentment at my siblings. I had this anger till the day my dad died. The last months of his life I was arguing with them about what to do. I always felt I did so much and they didn't care enough. It was a terrible cycle to be in. In hindsight, I should have gone for counseling or joined a support group. Or made somehow made myself understand that we all have choices. And sometimes our siblings have made other choices. We don't have to like them or accept them, but we have to let go of the expectation they will care as much as we do. I know it hurts. But we have to in order to protect ourselves from more pain.

Thank you so much for all your responses. I keep thinking I have let go of any expectations of them and then when there is a crisis it all comes surging back, the anger at how they didn't respond to my begging and pleading to come over to my dad's bedside when he was dying, the curt responses. I feel better only if I pretend to be an only child doing what is the right thing to do by our parents.

Oh, and all your suggestions, I tried them. Suggesting writing cards, suggesting calling once a week, suggesting this and suggesting that from mom, but honestly mom doesn't care, she's past that now, she's happy with me and as long as she is happy and I'm doing the right thing by her, I will just try to completely forget about them.

You are a great daughter. Your love for your parents is admirable. prayers to you

When we were preparing for our father's memorial service, we shared memories and wrote a eulogy. There are 7 of us, with 20 years between oldest and youngest. It really struck me, and some of them mentioned it too, that there were 7 different relationship with Dad. He loved us all and we all loved him, but that was the only absolute we had in common. I don't think there was anything dysfunctional going on -- there wasn't a "golden child" and no one got blamed for everything, etc. We each had our own personality and a different chronological order in the family. The oldest child (who was an only child for a few years) certainly was treated differently the the youngest one 20 years later. Oldest had totally inexperienced parents who tired hard. Youngest had parents who'd seen about everything and were pretty laid back.

Genevieve, your sibs each had/have a unique relationship with your parents. Apparently it wasn't as caring and close as your relationship, or why would they be indifferent now? Why was it different? Who knows? And maybe they were always indifferent and ungrateful even back then. You probably think that your parents treated you all the same. But that is impossible because you weren't all the same.

This MAY explain their behavior now. But it doesn't matter to you. If they want to explore why they don't feel closer to their mother they can find a psychotherapist. You know how they are now, and you need to accept that and move on. Being angry about it is a waste of perfectly good energy.

You are a good daughter. That is all you have control over. Keep it up!

Dear Genevieve,

You are an amazing woman! So loving and caring towards your parents. Stay strong and try to take care of yourself as well the best you can.