How can I get siblings on the same page?

There are no magic words. Make your decisions one step at a time as this unfolds.
They can't possibly understand unless they live your life with your mom's needs. Your brothers want to come to "give you the break" so enjoy the break fully. Then after your return, watch very carefully how she is doing. If she has negative effects from their time alone with her, you'll know you can't leave her anymore with brothers in charge. You still need breaks. So hire a private duty caregiver to care responsibility for her while you take future breaks.

I feel for you.

I can't answer your question. I failed to communicate the need effectively. It was a disaster. My mother returned from her visit to my brother's home physically wrecked.

A good friend of mine did a similar "let's give you a break" exercise for his brother and SIL. In my friend's custody, his mother fell and broke her hip - first step from independent living at home to nursing home care.

If she falls, your brother will be held responsible.
If her kidney function collapses, responsible.
If her heart function deteriorates, responsible.
If she strokes, responsible.

I don't know how, I couldn't find them, but you are looking for the words that will convey what the risks are in a way that makes them understand them and comply with your instructions.

"She'll be fine for a bit" is not a good start. My heart sinks for you.

Sadly, getting your siblings on the same page and acting in Mom's best interest may not be possible. In both my grandparents and parents cases there was a sibling split based on inheritance interests - basically some siblings don't want to "waste" money on the parents' care (preserving their inheritance) verses siblings who believe the parents' money should be spent for their care. On the other hand, you mention brothers and men in general do not take notice of many facets of daily living. I would try to first get agreement that Mom's money should be spent on Mom's care/comfort and there is no inheritance until all those needs are met. Then I would work on getting them to understand how short/recent term memory loss impacts daily living. Maybe creating a logging form for daily fluid intake, blood pressure readings, medications, etc. Fill out the form yourself for several days and then present blank forms to your brother for when he is going to take care of your mother. If possible, drop by and check up on Mom by checking the log a couple of times or maybe have your brother email/fax form to you. You have the most experience taking care of Mom and would be able to spot possible trouble points before anyone else. People who only see Mom in a "visitation" setting will often see a Mom that appears to be "fine" and not realize she needed a little help to be fine. You might also take the time to discuss with your brother the discomfort excess fluid will cause your mother and the risk of required hospitalization. Good Luck!

I walked in your shoes. Siblings were only interested in what they would get after she was gone. I spent her money on her and made sure she was comfortable. You cannot change how others feel. Do what you need to do for mom and forget the rest. In the end you will have known you did all you could. My mom passed last year but I know in my heart I did everything for her. The money doesn't matter but to them it was all about that! How sad!

It's not easy, I know. But if they want your Mom to be around for as long as possible, they will leave things to you to handle. I used to moan and groan wishing siblings would do more, but frankly, I don't think my Mom would have lasted this long (94) if they had been more involved in her care. Disaster can come at any time even if siblings have mom's best interest at heart. Some are just not naturally equipped to sense subtle or even big changes. And taking a cavalier attitude for even 5 minutes of one day can spell trouble.

I agree with Aimeejo55. Do what you need to for your mom and forget the rest. (But whatever you do, don't forget about yourself and your own needs.) Why not take the siblings with you to tour a local rehab center so they can see what happens to elderly people who have falls, infections, etc. It takes a split second to get into those places and months to get out of them. And not everyone gets out of them.

With the RM you can start hiring in professional help which is exactly what your Mom needs.

Well D-day is tomorrow. I've printed out 3 months of my daily/hourly caregiving notes & put them in a binder. Shows what she eats,drinks,time for meds & activities from when mom awakens to when I get her settled into bed. They started as a journal but seemed to be helpful if I ever get cash flow to hire caregivers. There are handwritten reminders to mom everywhere regarding Walker, salt & how much fluid she can have. The notes should help him too. Actually just him because mom ignores or no longer sees them. I have cameras throughout the public areas of the house & 1 on the floor of moms room. I've had these for years as mom sometimes would leave the phone off the hook or not hear it & where I worked I couldn't rush off. I will be checking but I'm going to mentally say to myself he's her son & he has a right to enjoy her for the weekend without my meddling. I would want the same. I'm going to try & not focus on my belief that this new concern comes out of concern for inheritance. I can only control myself & my motives on spending her money on her are pure. Although the help is so I don't go crazy, that is still going to help her. I so wish there were magic words but thank you all for being here everyday. This place is my support group & a big part of taking care of myself so I can care for mom.

Someone once said something that really struck me: As time goes on, the person being cared for needs more and more care; meanwhile the caregiver running solo gets older and less able (mentally/physically/financially) to do everything the person they are caring for needs. So hiring in help makes total sense. You have to be sure that both your Mom's and your needs are attended to so that a year from now, two years from now, etc. your mom won't be surviving at the expense of your own health and well being. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Best wishes to you and your Mom.

This won't help you short-term, but you may want to (1) hire a geriatric care manager to assess Mom's situation, and (2) engage an elder family mediator to facilitate communication between you and your siblings. The GCM's assessment may help to convince your brothers that no, she won't be fine on her own for a short while, and the she really does need the help you have been providing with all of her ADL's. The mediator can lead a discussion with that assessment as a starting point: now what are the kids going to do about it, and remind them that Mom's money is her money, to be used for her support. Does she want to stay at home? Then she should be allowed to spend her money to achieve that. Do your brothers want to support her decision or oppose her? With the mediator, they can be helped to see it's not them against you, it appears as though it is them against Mom.

Have a blessed weekend and relax and recharge. You know your brothers better than we do, of course; but I'm wondering if their concern about the reverse mortgage is partly because they are afraid Mom will run out of money to provide for her own good care. It's hard to accept that your loved one is going and needs more help now, especially if you only see her when she's in pretty good shape. Maybe the weekend with her will provide them a gentle lesson.
Regardless, you've done everything a loving daughter should do; give yourself a stress-free weekend.

I agree with all of the above. MomcareFL is so right and everyone else, too.

And, sometimes it is inevitable and very helpful that we stop trying to make things perfect. I don't mean that in a bad way--I mean it in a self-preserving and loving-to-others way. You can take care of your mom, get help from your brothers even if they do a less than perfect job, or a nurse, and life goes on.

Caregivers often feel they have to do everything to their very utmost. That is hard to keep up over the long haul.

There is a difference between "doing our best" and "doing what we can." We can do what we can for a lot longer.

A lot of thoughts come to mind about the number of medical conditions your mother has as well the number of the varying viewpoints of your family. Take the break, enjoy the BBQ, or just take the time to rest and even consider just printing out a one-page list of medications/diet restrictions, etc and placing it on the dresser, i.e. let them read it than expending hours of time and energy having to explain every detail that needs to be managed in the best interest of your mother. I think your concerns are valid and real. also, I think it is commonplace for family members and/or trust beneficiaries to not be on the same page as the primary co-trustee or caregiver, but don't wear yourself out trying to meet their needs. Great concerns you have posted, but also seek guidance with outside healthcare experts and touch base with the attorney that drafted the trust also. I included the latter, because you mentioned the house is her only asset, which includes its contents as well. There is a difference between co-trustee and guardian, and this is just feedback, but the attorney that drafted the trust can explain that and that could benefit you in getting more family on the same page as to what is important: your mother's healthcare. Also, be advised the attorney that drafted the will may just be that, not an attorney that can help you execute the trust.

Sounds like you are doing a great job of handling the load. I think you received many good comments above, about responsibility if you leave the house, etc, but if can get away for a movie or some shopping for a few hours while a family member is keeping an eye on her, then great. If you want to wait and discuss that with the outside experts you choose to ensure you are fully protected in caregiving, then do that next time. Take a deep breath, welcome the help that you get, and ignore the help you do not get. Good Luck!

Just from your description I can see clearly exactly what's going on. you mention self centered siblings. This is a sure sign of narcissism, meaning self centered or greedy. You can't reason with them, don't waste your time on time wasters. You can talk until the cows come home which is never or until you're blue in the face but you'll never get your point across. You just can't reason with narcissists, they'll counter everything you say and try to discourage your efforts, which is exactly what's going on from your description. I can see the self-centered people are after the elder's money and assets which is why they're acting like they're acting and saying what they are saying. Why haven't you or someone trustworthy gone for guardianship? It would help to know more because your mom obviously needs a guardian before someone starts stealing from her if that's not already going on. You may manage her financial affairs, but one if she has expensive jewelry, or some other valuable you may not yet know about? This is just a thought that crossed my mind. I should also warn you to be very careful on your part so that your efforts don't cross the line into elder abuse, I'm just trying to keep you out of trouble

I hear you! I feel for you! However, even though my late mother essentially demanded to live alone in her own home, her "keeping house days" were long since over! That's when my husband, myself and my brother decided that I would have to leave my Maryland home and move to Massachusetts in with mother. She had the audacity to say "I don't have to tell you every little thing" when she had previously fallen twice/started a fire in the microwave. You take control!

You are getting closer I think with each comment that comes. The word narcissism has been used and I had to think about that for awhile, because I have also heard the term 'takers' as well be applied to financial matters, but I think it also extends to 'takers' of time also in providing optimal care. Another good phrase I finally found after several revisions: 'too many coaches, and not enough players' if that applies. But all of these terms I would mention to experts more so than engaging the people you might think are not on the same page. News travels fast, so get past the weekend and build your next game plan. Good luck!

I hope the talk of narcissism etc are overboard. I think it is quite possible that not having been exposed to all that aging entails, they just don't get it yet. They might need to see Mom wobble a few times before they understand about her forgetting her walker and what that might mean. That, unfortunately, could be an expensive learning experience for your mom to experience! The medicines and salt etc., you have to hope they get it and will keep up with the meds. Missing the mark on these a couple times might not be the end of the world and another learning experience.

Sometimes siblings, as in my case, are not worried about inheritance, but worried about subconscious motive. If you are not working and were not working, they may worry that you overplay mom's illness to increase your own value so as to not feel bad about living there. You are paying your rent by helping your mom. They may not see it that way. They may see you living there, spending her money to be her caregiver and maybe they don't realize that if you weren't doing it, she would either die sooner or end up in a very expensive care situation that would surely eat up any value of the house. Just be sure you are not using Mom as your employment opportunity. Spend whatever it takes to keep Mom happy and whatever it takes to keep you there caring for her, but don't count on keeping all the family's valuables (if there are any) for yourself. I don't know you, and it sounds as though the others who have commented do, so I suspect none of this applies to you, but it could apply to others in a similar situation. If you are living in a person's house rent free and getting fed, whatever care you provide is a very much like a paid job. You often work horrible hours and have no time of your own, but you aren't working for free and you deserve respect and admiration for doing the tough job that your Mom obviously feels only you can do. Be sure to insist on your due, and give it up if someone else can help. Don't wear a hair shirt. I hope you can reach a consensus with your siblings, for your Mom's sake. GB

Your family are going to in for a sudden shock one day. All it will take is a fall, broken hip, reassessment by specialists and geriatricians and whether your family likes it or not, she will be moved somewhere to have the care she needs. I am sorry to be so blunt, but your family will never be on the same page as you, they just don't understand. When it becomes apparent, that mother is not longer coming back to her her home becuase.... they are the ones who have to deal with it, not you. You saw it all coming.

When someone says "mom will be alright for a while", ask them them, very quietly, if she'll be okay if there's a fire.

ArleneH, you are right. It took 2 falls to get my sibling's attention that Dad needed additional care. They still aren't offering but at least they are accepting it. They never read anything I gave them about dementia and I have sent them updates on all doctor visits and changes. Trying to get help for 24 hour support has been a nightmare and I am fried. When I mentioned the cost of memory care down the road, one of them actually said he could give 24 hour care at that cost! I shake my head at stupid. Do what you have to do and keep them informed as much as possible, but you have the authority to make the right decisions. If you can get them involved in her care - one at a time - they will become aware of her needs.

BarbBrooklyn: Spot on accurate! The family suddenly has a "revelation," e.g. "oh, what are we going to do with ____fill in the blank?"

Thank you everyone and I read each response & took the advice I could use. I'm definitely into what Salisbury said,do what you can, instead of doing your best so as to avoid burnout. I'm not a controlling person by nature. I'm not one to think only I can do pretty much anything. I know I'm not like that because other people around me are & they would like me to be more assertive of my authority over my mom. I always say that all her children have a right to care for & spend time with their mother. I know they are not capable of doing things like I do. My spouse is a huge help to me & a great part of why I can get things so well controlled at moms. My spouse is a person who believes nobody can do things as well as they can. I'm good with good enough from my siblings. Usually I get nothing, no help but this weekend I did! I had a great 2 days off/3 nights in my own bed. Mom didn't fall, didn't smoke & is still alive. Her weight did go up 3lbs so I called her doctor this morning & we're upping the Lasik for 3 days. My brother took her out to dinner because she got mad & insisted, & he took her without regard to sodium content. I'm sure he also was more liberal with liquid. As to the issue of mom needing paid help or not he didn't say anything, & I didn't push it. He also didn't volunteer to do it again,but I didn't ask. I'm going to let it lie for a week then touch base with him. Like I said I don't need their permission but it would be nice if they were on the same page as me. I also confirmed that 2 days a week to myself will probably get me through awhile of this caregiving, & allow me to care for mom in her home, without neglecting myself. Thanks again everyone, I like to give updates when I ask for help because I like it when others update.