" I truly believe my brother to this day, cannot confront my father, he never could. Finally, because of our father's advanced age he now has control over him. By controll I mean he moved away and doesn't visit. His phone calls are becoming less and less." Wow, Ssangai, that is a great insight, and I think might be happening with one of my brothers! One of my other brother's wife told me that she thought maybe this one brother felt "abandoned" by my parents because they moved away when this brother was 29/30 and he could no longer life rent-free with them. It's ridiculous, of course, but might explain why this one brother went for 5 years at one point without seeing his parents (and he's almost to the 2 year mark since coming to see my mother now). He is definitely controlling my mother now!
RGal, your children are too busy with their children and their lives. Their first responsibility is to their own families as yours was. Now, you deserve a life too!
Caring for a person with dementia is very difficult and emotionally draining. Is it time to move him to a care facility? You and nobody else can provide 24/7 care without a support system in place, particulary as the disease advances.
Perhaps it is time to think about a move for him, maybe yourself too? There are many nice memory care facilities, you could move closer to one of your children and necessary services.
A friend of mine finally moved his wife almost two years ago now. He had been determined to keep her at home, she was diagnosed about seven years ago now at the age of 52. He made the decision to let the pros take care of her because her behaviors had become unmanageable. Initially he installed webcams in the house so he could keep an eye on her while he was at work. Then the wandering began that included boarding a bus. In order to keep her safe it was time.
Let daughters know that they are responsible too for their father not just me. Their Dad has Alzheimer's. One daugher will make and effort for 2 days once every 2 and a half month. The other lives in Virginia- we live in California. This daughter makes no effort. We live in a rural county with no senior support systems. My husband is difficult, confused, anxious, deaf and recently had a pacemaker put in due to Bradychardia. Ideally other people would take him for a day or overnight. I have asked and my husband's daughters claim they are too busy with their own young adult children. Feeling unsupported and angry.
I am the youngest of 8...my one sister passed way 15 years ago. I took my parents in a year and a half ago. My mom went downhill fast, she just pasted away last month. My one sister is there whenever I need her. I have a brother who helps by giving rides to my dad. When I ask the others for one Sunday a month, I was told no because I dictated when it had to be. My oldest sister seems to resent me, but when I confront her nothing is wrong. I thought now that my mom has passed my siblings would come see my dad more, but no its still the same. Its just so disappointing.
I've been caring for my mom for 3 years now. I have one sibling out of four who comes to see my mom once every two months to take her to the lung doctor. I went through chemo and radiation for breast cancer 6 months ago. I asked for more help and didn't get it. I was told I was embarrassing her!
One of my sibs even wants to pick my friend, tell me how to spend my money. Thank you very much, but I will pick my friends, they are the ones that are there to emotionally support me when the stress gets high. It is just amazing. Would even dream of telling either of my sibs who they should have as friends, husbands or anything? NEVER!
All of these 'posts' could be me. I recently decided, when my father at 98 goes, I will not contact my only sibling my brother. I'll have one of my son's contact him or I'll contact his grown children. He hasn't called for a few months, so it's telling me he's not concerned with what is going on in this house. His last visit was in June. I recently found out that I need a hip replacement. My father can't be alone, so I will need to make arrangements while I go through surgery and rehab. The last time I talked to my brother I told him about this. He had no suggestions and offered no help. As of this date NOTHING, no visits or calls. As for any kind of relationship with him after my father passes on won't be necessary. Good Luck to all who are going through this stressful time.
I used to think that it would be unthinkable not to stay in touch with a sibling when their parents pass away, but I have changed my opinion. It almost seems incredible that some siblings could be so uncaring and selfish, not to mention terribly unfair. Even if they didn't want to help their aging parents, as least they could help out to maintain the relationship with their siblings. It is a tremendous additional strain on caregivers not having sibling help, and extremely energy draining. Before caregiving, I realized some people could be selfish, but I never knew how incredibly selfish some people can be. I guess the best thing is to try to not think about, if possible.
I actually got a sob story from sib that has not raised a finger in two years, that she was so stressed out getting ready to go on vacation that she had to take Xanax! And a mental health counselor she is at that.
It is not you, I deal with the same issues all of time. I sometimes feel as though I am in an alternate reality. I too feel guilty when I get curt on the phone because it makes me the "bad guy" by bringing up the reality of the situation. They are on vacation and you do not get one even though out of everyone in your family you probably need and deserve one the most.
This is going to be a "vent" and I apologize ahead of time. I'll try to keep this short. I've asked my brother, who lives in another state, if he and his wife (who does not work and kids out of the home) would mind taking dad for a bit or if she could come up to help, since my brother works. Nothing. So while I'm sitting with dad at dinner, that I made, after a long day, the phone rings. He and his wife are driving back from a week's vacation at the beach and they had a long drive ahead and had nothing better to do so thought they would call dad to say hello. I haven't had a vacation since dad had the stroke!! Is it me? Somebody, please tell me, is it me? And why do I feel so guilty that I was curt on the phone with him and just put the phone in dad's hand? Sweet Jesus, help me.
This same issue was my first question on this forum. I finally just gave up on my sister. What really sticks in my mind is this: Where is that diagram of how to string the siblings up by their toenails!?!?
Glad - had to laugh - its not a "thankless" task strictly speaking, if someone is actually telling you everything you do is appreciated! Most of us only WISH for a little gratitude instead of endless complaining and criticizing.
I just had a chat with a friend about the resentment that builds. I think I have risen above it, it is the sibs that are missing out on this time. Yes, it is alot of work, and yes I feel resentment often, but I cherish each moment that I am told that everything I do is so appreciated. Those are the rewards of this thankless task.
I've already addressed this topic, but it's so disturbing and I keep thinking of more comments. For me, with my only sibling my brother, who does absolutely nothing for my 98 yr old father. He lets me do it all, not only the physical things but the mental worry that's goes with it. When I'm exhausted and push myself to keep going, I wonder what he's doing right at that moment. When I do talk to him I listen very carefully to what he's been doing, where he and his wife have gone, his daily walk on the beach at Cape Cod, his early evening of wine and cheese. How can children with the same parents, brought up in the same house, be so different? Twelve years ago when my mother was in the hospital I remember him telling me he can't do this much longer. He meant going to the hospital to visit her. So here we are twelve years later and he doesn't want to hear anything about our failing father. After saying that, it should have been a clue for me of his true selfish, character. I hate the resentment that builds up in me over this and try to be above it. The bottom line is, no matter what I try to do, it honestly just 'pisses' me off.
I hear you Kazzaa - my sis thinks it is great that I have a forum to "vent." In other words do not bother her with my day-to-day- she is too busy living her life.
As ive said before; "my sister thinks its GREAT im on a forum" blood is thicker than water my ass! If my mum has to go to NH her house goes to pay for it. While im here looking after her the house and thier inheritence is SAFE? youd think they would be licking my shoes to make it easier for me to do this BUT NO they live thier lives but my day is coming and very soon. Mum goes into a NH and say goodbye to inheritence or she lives here alone and dies. Thier choice..............
I agree with assandache7! Over the 18 years that I have been caring for my mother I have specifically told my brother and sister what they can do to help. But after once or twice they conveniently go back to their old pattern of finding every excuse of why they can't. Never mind that I and my family have always done it! Now even mom is making excuses for them and lying to people saying that they give her things when they don't!!! I am so tired of it! And yes either my siblings are really that stupid or they really are that self centered. I think it's the latter.
Unfortunately in my case, my brother has not contributed any time or helped ith any work that needs done. You can't force him to help, so I'd write him off t In this area. I'm in the same boat.
I also had to lower my expectations on the sibs as my feelings were always being hurt and I was sick of it. I have enough on my plate with Mom - do not need anymore resentments - takes up too much energy.
This is the "topic of the week" for me -- weekly! They just won't do anything in Mom's direction. Perhaps fear holds them back? I've tried everything and nothing works so I pretty much gave up. If they can live w/themselves for doing nothing, then that's on them. And also, I just don't have any more energy to try. I'm so exhausted w/Mom's daily care. I DO make it a point to express this to them (and anyone else that asks about her) to see if anyone will step up. Most people are self-centered and really, don't care. Move on. Spend your time on more productive tasks. And don't forget yourself on the list.
Lead by example. I have 6 siblings and try not to have expectations of them. My mother moved to assisted living 6 months ago and I feel we work well as a team for the most part. Much of the burden you bear resides in the expectations you have for yourself...and what your parent(s) communicate in terms of expectations to you.
I know exactly what you mean. My Mom was in the hospital recently and I had both day and night care of her. Both sisters work so they would stop by for a couple hours then go on home. Problem is that I needed to run home to sleep so i was getting maybe 3 hours sleep. At one point I was up for 36 hours straight without a single blink of sleep. They did not care, no one came and I had been texting them all day telling them I needed sleep and Mom had been up ALL NIGHT LONG! No response. I finally had to tell the nurse I HAD to go home and sleep because I have seizures. Mom was left in restraints all night long and she threw one heck of a fit. The nurses refused to tell me everything she did but it must have been horrendous because the next day, I was told that SOMEONE HAD TO BE WITH HER AT ALL TIMES AND IF I DID NOT HAVE A FAMILY MEMBER TO HELP ME THEN I WOULD HAVE TO HIRE SOMEONE!!!!
Both of my sisters work, I am however on disability so I am the caregiver of my mother who is ill...sound weird? The ill caring for the ill. My sisters are glad that they do not personally have to do it, is all I can gather. One of them lives with Mom and I. but she does not seem to think she has any responsibility to help with care. I ran to the grocery store today to buy groceries for the household and this sister decided to give Mom a bath in the shower. When I got home 1 hour later, sister was irate, and telling me just how horrible and mean Mom had been ALL DAY LONG......I had only been gone 1 hour! In her mind she had been alone with Mom all day long and it had been 1 hour!!! I said, "Welcome to my world, this is the way she is all day long every single day!" She retorts back, "OH YEAH SURE!" As though my days with Mom are a walk in the park! I replied, "You need to get a frickin grip on yourself, if you think my days are any easier, because they are NOT!" See she doesn't care what H--L I go through every single day as long as it isn't her, she is fine with all the crap I deal with!
My mother's doctor told me in the hospital to put my mother in a nursing home or hire in home care for 8 hours a day, because I could not handle my mother alone any longer, I would fail, I would be wracked with guilt and would wind up sick. When I told this to my sister, she was angry that I would even bring up such an idea...Mom could not go into a nursing home...how dare I!!! Why could I just not take care of it myself or possibly hire some help???? Really??? She is always broke, who is going to pay for all this and I am still stuck at home taking care of sick Mom when the help is gone.....SO MY QUESTION IS ....WHEN THE HE--L DO YOU PLAN ON STEPPING UP AND TAKING CARE OF OUR MOTHER??? YOU CANNOT DEAL WITH HER FOR ONE HOUR BUT YOU DO NOT GIVE A CRAP THAT CARING FOR HER IS RUINING MY HEALTH AND MENTALLY SCREWING MY DAUGHTER AND I BOTH UP. I AM MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED, YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY AND GO TO WORK WHERE YOU ACTUALLY ENJOY YOURSELF AND YOU ARE MAKING MONEY, I'M NOT, YOU ARE PAYING INTO A RETIREMENT PLAN, I AM NOT.
I CARE FOR OUR MOTHER ALL DAY EVERY SINGLE DAY, I CLEAN THE HOUSE, I WASH THE CLOTHES, I COOK THE MEALS, I PAY ALL BILLS AND TAKE CARE OF ALL FINANCIAL MATTERS, I TAKE HER TO ALL DOCTOR VISITS AND MAKE SURE HER MEDICATIONS ARE CORRECT, I THEN TAKE CARE OF OUR HOUSE INSIDE AND OUTSIDE, I HAVE SPENT THOUSANDS OF MY OWN DOLLARS ON THIS HOUSE.......WHAT DO YOU DO?
I use to never think about this issue because I knew nothing would change and it was better to ignore it than get yourself worked up over a situation that is not going to change. Then my 21 year old daughter failed some college classes and I found out she had gone into depression over what was happening with my mother and how it was affecting our family and household. Since my mothers hospitalization, I too have been suffering with depression because I may have to put my mother into a home. I am exhausted and I need my life back 10 years is way too long!
If anyone can figure out how to string up these lazy siblings who do nothing, by their toenails, send me a diagram....I may have to use it!!!!
As I have stated before when I read this question - siblings suck. Never thought that I would be saying or thinking that because I do love my sibs. The reality is they are just happy that someone is doing the dirty work while they go about their lives. Sad but true....The way that I handle it is just telling them what I need. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. Depends on their schedules. But could they at least send some money???
Caring for a person with dementia is very difficult and emotionally draining. Is it time to move him to a care facility? You and nobody else can provide 24/7 care without a support system in place, particulary as the disease advances.
Perhaps it is time to think about a move for him, maybe yourself too? There are many nice memory care facilities, you could move closer to one of your children and necessary services.
A friend of mine finally moved his wife almost two years ago now. He had been determined to keep her at home, she was diagnosed about seven years ago now at the age of 52. He made the decision to let the pros take care of her because her behaviors had become unmanageable. Initially he installed webcams in the house so he could keep an eye on her while he was at work. Then the wandering began that included boarding a bus. In order to keep her safe it was time.
his daily walk on the beach at Cape Cod, his early evening of wine and cheese. How can children with the same parents, brought up in the same house, be so different? Twelve years ago when my mother was in the hospital I remember him telling me he can't do this much longer. He meant going to the hospital to visit her. So here we are twelve years later and he doesn't want to hear anything about our failing father. After saying that, it should have been a clue for me of his true selfish, character. I hate the resentment that builds up in me over this and try to be above it. The bottom line is, no matter what I try to do, it honestly just 'pisses' me off.
If my mum has to go to NH her house goes to pay for it. While im here looking after her the house and thier inheritence is SAFE? youd think they would be licking my shoes to make it easier for me to do this BUT NO they live thier lives but my day is coming and very soon.
Mum goes into a NH and say goodbye to inheritence or she lives here alone and dies. Thier choice..............
In this area. I'm in the same boat.
Both of my sisters work, I am however on disability so I am the caregiver of my mother who is ill...sound weird? The ill caring for the ill. My sisters are glad that they do not personally have to do it, is all I can gather. One of them lives with Mom and I. but she does not seem to think she has any responsibility to help with care. I ran to the grocery store today to buy groceries for the household and this sister decided to give Mom a bath in the shower. When I got home 1 hour later, sister was irate, and telling me just how horrible and mean Mom had been ALL DAY LONG......I had only been gone 1 hour! In her mind she had been alone with Mom all day long and it had been 1 hour!!! I said, "Welcome to my world, this is the way she is all day long every single day!" She retorts back, "OH YEAH SURE!" As though my days with Mom are a walk in the park! I replied, "You need to get a frickin grip on yourself, if you think my days are any easier, because they are NOT!" See she doesn't care what H--L I go through every single day as long as it isn't her, she is fine with all the crap I deal with!
My mother's doctor told me in the hospital to put my mother in a nursing home or hire in home care for 8 hours a day, because I could not handle my mother alone any longer, I would fail, I would be wracked with guilt and would wind up sick. When I told this to my sister, she was angry that I would even bring up such an idea...Mom could not go into a nursing home...how dare I!!! Why could I just not take care of it myself or possibly hire some help???? Really??? She is always broke, who is going to pay for all this and I am still stuck at home taking care of sick Mom when the help is gone.....SO MY QUESTION IS ....WHEN THE HE--L DO YOU PLAN ON STEPPING UP AND TAKING CARE OF OUR MOTHER??? YOU CANNOT DEAL WITH HER FOR ONE HOUR BUT YOU DO NOT GIVE A CRAP THAT CARING FOR HER IS RUINING MY HEALTH AND MENTALLY SCREWING MY DAUGHTER AND I BOTH UP. I AM MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED, YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE EVERY SINGLE DAY AND GO TO WORK WHERE YOU ACTUALLY ENJOY YOURSELF AND YOU ARE MAKING MONEY, I'M NOT, YOU ARE PAYING INTO A RETIREMENT PLAN, I AM NOT.
I CARE FOR OUR MOTHER ALL DAY EVERY SINGLE DAY, I CLEAN THE HOUSE, I WASH THE CLOTHES, I COOK THE MEALS, I PAY ALL BILLS AND TAKE CARE OF ALL FINANCIAL MATTERS, I TAKE HER TO ALL DOCTOR VISITS AND MAKE SURE HER MEDICATIONS ARE CORRECT, I THEN TAKE CARE OF OUR HOUSE INSIDE AND OUTSIDE, I HAVE SPENT THOUSANDS OF MY OWN DOLLARS ON THIS HOUSE.......WHAT DO YOU DO?
I use to never think about this issue because I knew nothing would change and it was better to ignore it than get yourself worked up over a situation that is not going to change. Then my 21 year old daughter failed some college classes and I found out she had gone into depression over what was happening with my mother and how it was affecting our family and household. Since my mothers hospitalization, I too have been suffering with depression because I may have to put my mother into a home. I am exhausted and I need my life back 10 years is way too long!
If anyone can figure out how to string up these lazy siblings who do nothing, by their toenails, send me a diagram....I may have to use it!!!!