How do you get past the anger after a loss?

cdnreader it will just take time. I was so angry at everyone after my Mom died. The stupid arrogant doctors, my unhelpful siblings, anyone who crossed my path, really. After a while though, the energy that it takes to sustain being angry isn't really worth it and if you can't stifle that anger with an action, then what are you left with. Just a bunch of pent up frustration and nothing to quell it. I sent an angry e-mail to the hospital regarding the doctor and was cool to my siblings for a while but at the end of the day, they didn't care and it wasn't helping me.

Just give it time..........come on here and vent to your heart's content. Put your energy to better use. There are grief support groups out there. They say anger is one of the stages of grief. Do you have supportive people in your life who would understand? 3 months is not a long time. Give yourself a moment.............

Dear Gershun,

Thank you for your kind and understanding words. I really needed them. (((hugs))) I tried talking to one counsellor and after three sessions, she asked if I wanted to close my file. I think she thought she said all she could say to me. I guess I could find another counsellor. I find it hard to trust. And I feel people don't want to hear me vent or talk about my dad. They want me to move on and get over the loss. I know you are right. I just miss my dad so much and miss my old life as his caregiver. Moving forward seems a long way off. I will see if I can find a support group. I'm so sorry to hear what happened with your mom. I'm like you angry at arrogant doctors and insensitive nurses. Thank you again for responding to my post. I will try as you say to give myself a moment and more time. So hard accepting this new reality of a life without my dad.

cdnreader, You are more than welcome. I know how hard it can be. It still is for me too......but like you said, after a while everyone expects you to move on and sometimes you feel like if you try to move on that you are somehow betraying your loved one's memory. But think of it like this. People who truly love you want you to be happy and move on.

I also know what you mean about not trusting. I went to a support group before my Mom even started to decline cause I knew that I would need to learn some coping skills. In the end, I chose to start taking a mild, (very mild) antidepressant which got me over the hump so to speak. Whatever works for you. Find another counselor if you can. Keep looking until you find the right one. Come on here. Private message me anytime you like.

Thank you so much Gershun. I really appreciate everything you are saying. Everyone has been so kind. I know death is a part of life, but I guess I wanted to put off the hard reality off a little longer and keep my dad with us. The whys? are just killing me right now. I guess all I can do right now is allow myself to go through the full range of emotions. And try to accept that nothing is fair in life. Thank you again for reaching out.

cdnreader - I totally relate to how you feel. My eldest sister died at the end of June and I had a lot of unresolved anger for a while. I had the same experience with people shutting you down, not wanting to talk about it or let you talk about it. You feel so alone when you're stuck with on outlet for the feelings.

My anger was somewhat different from yours, in that my greatest anger was at my deceased sister. I had had a very contentious relationship with her the last few years of her life, about from the time I started caring for my mother. I wanted to reconnect with my sister when she was sick and reaffirm our love for one another, but she was so shut down in her misery, so focused on trying to survive that she couldn't spare a thought for what she would leave behind if she didn't make it. She didn't let me take care of her nearly as much as I wanted to, and that made me sad. I'm also afraid that it may have affected her survival, because I was much more focused on certain symptoms (the ones that ultimately ended up killing her) than anyone else seemed to be.

The night of my sister's death, my middle sister called me up to ask how I was doing, and when I tried to share my regrets about the lack of any resolution with my sister, she cut me off saying "You're going to have to let go of that.' I said "Yes, but I'm not letting go of it tonight."

After that I called my therapist and asked if I could email her with what was going on because I couldn't get an appointment with her for at least a week, and she didn't want to share her email address with me. That was pretty much the end of my therapy with her - I really felt abandoned and let down by that.

Of course I'm angry at the doctors and nurses for not taking better care of her, allowing her to suffer for so long, and basically giving up on her. And I'm angry at my mother for outliving my sister, because if my mother had died first, my sister and I might still have had a chance to work things out. And yes, I miss taking care of her (to the extent I was allowed to) and sharing my love with her even though I wasn't getting any back. I wish I were still doing it now and she were still with us.

The only condolence I can share with you is that it does get better. For a while it's all you can think about, and then other issues start to take the fore. And when you think about it, you're still sad, but you don't think about it all the time. At least that's how it's been for me.

Dear Carla,

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I'm so sorry to hear what happened with your sister. I know it hurts when you care so much and try to do so much and it feels like everyone around you doesn't understand.

I know I need to change the narrative. And thank you for letting me know it does get better. I want to move forward. But I feel so much guilt and regret over everything that happened in 2016. And the anger over everyone around me for making me feel like I was failing my dad.

But in a way, I feel they were right. I did fail him. I noticed he didn't want to eat, he was refusing his meds, but instead of trying to be more gentle, I gave up. I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to annoy him. I let him be. Never realizing how fatal that mistake would be. I never even told my dad what mattered. I never told him, I appreciated him. I loved him. I know he did his best for his family. And I was sorry he wasn't happy after the stroke, but I really tried. I tried to take care of all the every day things and take the burden off him. Thinking to myself that I would "fix" it and by being a good daughter, I would save myself from having to face my father's death. In the end, it was all too late. He was dying for months and I still didn't say or do what I needed because I had so much anger about everything around us.

Thank you again for your comforting words. I'm so grateful.

I'm sorry about your dad

Look at it this way, you're not hurting others by being angry at them, only yourself.

Thank you zythrr. Its true I know. They said anger and resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I know its so useless to be angry, when it will never bring back my dad. Its just that some days the thoughts close in my me and the tears will not stop. I hope 2017 will bring more peace and acceptance and less anger.

cdnreader, If it makes you feel any better, sometimes you do have to give up. I'm at that stage with my mom. She is the most stubborn person on earth and makes horrible decisions for herself like refusing medical care and physical therapy for decades.

I am making sure she is not in pain and getting her medical care now that things are critical. On her own, she always made bad choices but I could not force her to do anything. Many people questioned me over the years about why I didn't take care of this or that concerning her health. She flat out refused and made me out to be the bad guy because I couldn't figure out a way to 'make' her go to a doctor.

Know you did your best and let go of the guilt. Some parents are just too stubborn to their own detriment.

It's been over a year since mom passed. Anger was a huge part of my anticipatory grief and my real grief. Anger is still with me, to some degree.

The whys and wherefores are different for all of us. My mom refused to pursue a diagnosis for her progressive loss of balance, dexterity and strength. Hostilely refused.

Mom's version of I'M FINE, I'M FINE was falling constantly in a house full of steps.... reducing her diet to yogurt, sandwiches and microwave foods.... freezing out all of her friends (and freezing out their concern about her self-neglect).... hoarding.... enlisting neighbors to help her out of jams and swearing them to secrecy.... enlisting one other relative or me to help with correspondence, bill-paying, a chore of her choosing -- then brusquely dismissing us, because we were witnessing too much of her unsafe "independence."

Mom had top-notch health insurance, a long-term care policy, 3 paid-off homes and a robust IRA portfolio. And she lived like the Little Matchstick Girl. It drove me insane.

People who knew that mom was financially secure would constanly ask me, "Why doesn't SHE do this-that-the other?" People who believed my mother's poor-mouthing would constantly ask me, "Why don't YOU do this-that-the other?"

Not one person was perceptive enough to say, "It really sukks that your mom's refusal to get a diagnosis means that you are denied 50% of your parental health history."

I could go on. Settling mom's estate is taking a heck of a long time. The old memories trigger and the frustrations recycle. There's sadness mixed in, too, naturally. Sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin.

Thank you windytown and BlackHole for your insights and sharing your experiences with me. And giving me perspective. I know everything is 20/20 in hindsight. Thank you for your kindness. I know I have to move past the anger, guilt and regrets, but some days its vicious cycle of what-ifs. My mind will not let it go. I still have hope that with more time I will stop torturing myself about the past.

cdnreader--First of all, thanks for being responsive to the answers your friends have posted--so often people ask a question and then we never hear from them again. Next, it's obvious from your post and additional comments that you have done everything you could. About three years I watched my own father go downhill until his death a few months later, and although I did my best to "coax" him to eat, he would take only so much and then shake his head when offered more. From what I've read since, it's apparent that the body begins "shutting down" and no amount of love or coaxing can change this. I miss my father, but I realize I did everything I could. He spent his last 11 months in a nursing home and I came each day to feed him his dinner (often "spoon-feeding"), and after each meal he said "thank you for taking care of me" to which I answered "it's my pleasure". My mother, who is still alive in the nursing home, still asks "why did Dad die?" to which I answer "it's basic Biology 101--the body eventually shuts down and even if we're doing our best, it can't be changed" and "at age 90 one has lived a full life, and this is inevitable whether sooner or later". Perhaps something one does can add a few days or weeks to a loved one's life, but ultimately the process can't be stopped. And sometimes the loved one WANTS it to end.

Sorry--that's "three years AGO..."

Sounds a little like my situation except I kept going to carehicer support groups, started going to a bereavement support group at Connecticut Hospice, and I found a bereavement therapist who accepts medicaid. The key thing here is "support." And therapy. You can't grieve on your own.

cndreader
You're welcome. I know how you feel. Hang in there, it will get better (((((Hugs)))))

Cdnreader It is important to bear in mind that it is We the Carers Who grieve the most when Those Who We Loved pass away, as We Loved Them so much that We cared for Them. You Dad knew that You Loved Him very much because You Cared for Him 24/7 for three years. You should feel very proud of Yourself. The grief will pass and it will get easier. Think back and remember all those beautiful times You and Your Dad enjoyed together. I Lost My Mum Who I Cared for 24/7 for three years last June, and I cried an ocean of tears for three months. Then one day I began to feel the joy come back into My Life. It does become easier. Cndreader can You imagine how sad and Lonely Your dear Grandmother feels ? She needs You now more than ever.

cdnreader: It is what I call a year of firsts and a new normal. In my opinion, allow yourself the feelings. I was so angry at everyone!! A support group or (in my case) anti-depressants (because I didn't even realize how sad I was, I was just MAD). My Dad had a massive stroke 12/13/95 (6 weeks shy of turning 66 & 2 weeks shy of retiring), passed away 4/14/00 (which was before his father) and I am still angry and sad and regretful and and and.....so, be kind to yourself and try to let others do for you. HUGS!!!

I don't like where the newest post I at the top and the oldest at the bottom. Is there something I can do to change it. Also, post answers is across my post scene.

My Mom is still alive. I pray she passes before her money runs out which will be July unless her house sells. I don't want her in a NH if it can be helped. She has Dementia. She I not happy. She is 88 has lived a good long life. The only thing I may regret is I have no patience and have a hard time dealing with it all. It's just me. I think anger is natural and it's only been three months. A support group may help. Some churches have them.

I believe that anger is a natural stage of grieving for someone or something. In this case, grieving over the loss of your father. I am so sorry for your loss and understand your need to lash out. I also understand the guilt you feel. When my grandmother died, I felt so much hurt that I was angry, I think, as a way to relieve the hurt. And I felt guilty. I should have done more--spent more time with her--did a better job of taking care of her. In reality, though, I did the very best job I could and I couldn't have loved her more than I did and still do. Allow yourself to feel your loss and the feelings attached to it. It is a normal and universal process. And know that you did the very best you could in a very difficult situation. May God send you peace...

Your dad is so lucky to have you beside him through all of this. He knows deep down inside that you have done everything possible for him. I'm going through the same with my 89 yr old mother in assisted living, I know I have done everything possible for her but I also know that she doesn't want to live anymore and just wants to go home to be with dad and the good lord in heaven. Hang in there and know that you have done a great job and believe me he knows to.

Thank you for all your kind replies. I truly appreciate it. All your words of encouragement and support mean a lot. I know I need to carry on. Thinking of you all and I am eternally grateful.