My 92-year-old mother is a narcissist and is now living with me and my family until her home is repaired after a fire. It has taken much longer than expected. My mother insults my husband and children and then acts as if she never did or said anything when called on it. She has always been verbally abusive to my brother and myself our entire lives but she puts on the "I'm a great mom." act to everyone. My brother has hands off the whole situation and does not visit or call because he does not want interaction with our mother. I am the one who everything falls on. I pay her bills, conduct all business as far as getting the house repaired, take care of her in my home and it is all so overwhelming. Sometimes, I find myself so angry at her that I cannot even look at her. She is insulting one moment and acting as if she didn't do or say anything bad the next minute. I'm sure she has dementia, but will not see a doctor for this as "someone will want to put her in the nursing home". She also is very paranoid about people, including me, stealing from her and money is always missing and she points to my husband as the culprit. She does not want to keep herself clean, wants to reuse diapers and literally has the upstairs of my home smelling so foul it is almost too much to take. I realize that most of what I feel about her is because she always made everything about what girls are supposed to do. So growing up I was made to do everything, cook, clean, etc.,while my brother received a free pass. So this is still the issue today. She is never grateful for anything I do for her because I'm supposed to do it. Although her house will be finished soon I know that she technically should not go back there as she cannot take care of herself. She is so frugal with her money that she will not pay for help with her needs when she does go back home and I do live in another state. She will not complete a will and she does have modest assets, which includes the house and savings. I would want to see her use the money for herself, but she is obsessed with saving it. All these things are so frustrating and a big strain on my 30-year marriage and for my 14-year-old daughter. Even when she is back in her own home I can only see it getting worse as she will want me to be at her beck and call even from another state.
everything. You can go visit and choose how long you will stay and then you can leave when you want to. They will suck the life out of you and rob you of your health...... Don't let that happen.
Place your mother in a care facility and take back your home. Your first sentence said it all. Mom sounds like a classic narcissist. You, your husband and your daughter have to get your lives back.
Obviously she is making poor decisions for herself-even while living in your home, so make arrangements for her to live someplace else under supervised care. I'm sure the dimentia is reasonably new but the narcissism predates YOU and as you can see it only grows worse not better. If I sound cold, it's because I've been there, still there but my mother-in-law is now in skilled nursing, which is the best choice for everyone on our family. You can visit--choose the duration of your visit and still oversee her care. It's time.
As for OPs situation, I can't imagine what has taken a year & a half to re-build, but get her out of your house ASAP. But first...I have an idea that may help you lay the groundwork for your mom's future: My mom's had an in-home assessment to determine what benefits/services she qualifies for based on her level of self-care...Even if your mom's not going to be living with you much longer, CALL YOUR COUNTY AND ASK FOR AN IN-HOME ASSESSMENT as her concerned caregiver. (Might want to present it under auspices that you're trying to figure out what the options are if you continue caring for her at home and you're concerned for her safety if you don't.) Talk to them ahead of time about your suspecting dementia, explain she "thinks" she's moving back home after her home is repaired, her poor hygiene (take them upstairs!), her frugality and maybe they can even discuss POA, etc. She would probably never let someone in her own home to do an assessment, but you can & if you get an assessment that states she's not fit to live alone - you may have all sorts of options at your disposal. Also, I would not tell her about the visit ahead of time. No putting on appearances! Sometimes you have to be creative for their own good!
But on that point, should she need to progress a diagnosis, the house fire (perhaps throw in a few 'embellishments' hinting darkly at how it might have come about, dodgy wiring yes, but also... well... mother never was too fussy about Health & Safety... bit cavalier with appliances perhaps...) and the fortuitous workman's evidence should swing it nicely.
I think it is completely normal to be angry. I'm angry a lot...and sad. I feel like my life has been hijacked by someone who is ostensibly my mother, but the person I knew is gone.
You ask: how do you get over the anger that you have for your mother?
Short pause while I think how to put it. Bearing in mind that you go on to say that 'walking away' - by which you seem to mean changing anything at all - is 'unrealistic.'
Okay. My answer is that you don't need to get over your anger.
You need to examine where it comes from; and then use it: channel it into more constructive behaviours such as setting appropriate boundaries, and teaching your children that your mother is not right and that daughters are not natural born doormats, and that husbands are not only there to support their wives' choices but have their own rights too.
You only see this getting worse? That, I'm afraid, is up to you.
What duty does a loving daughter owe her mother? Write down your top five answers. See if any of them involves: tolerating the abuse of her family; submitting to partial treatment in comparison to her sibling; being insulted; being taken for granted; being imposed on unreasonably...
Your mother wishes to return to her own home. Make the arrangements for that now, and include in them information about and contact numbers for support services. If the deadline keeps mysteriously falling back, research alternative arrangements and act on them. Nothing in law or in ethics obliges you to house your abusive mother.
Your mother has the right to make her own decisions; but she does not have the right to make your decisions. You don't like her beliefs? Then stop agreeing with them by your actions.
YOU
HAVE
CHILDREN who do not need to be exposed to this sort of 24/7 angst.
My mother does have a will, however. It seems usual that your mother is so frugal & careful with her money but doesn't have a will. Does she understand what the ramifications are of not having a will when she dies? Or doesn't she care? My mother has the attitude that she doesn't care what I have to do the house when she dies to make it livable or sellable. Narcissism & selfishness right in the forefront.
I know that my mother has undiagnosed & untreated mental health issues--my best guess is bipolar disorder, OCD, ADD and anxiety. Maybe some kind of personality disorder too. It is extremely stressful for me because my mother is so negative, she creates situations in her head to obsess about because she has nothing else to do, and she works herself up into a frenzy over absolutely nothing. She will say "I'm a worry wart and you're not". She is way past being a worry wart. She is completely irrational as well. I have come to deal with her the same way my father did---walk away from her, get out of the house & find someplace quiet to get away from the nagging. My father also drank quite a bit---he was a functional alcoholic---and I think that is the main way he dealt with her crap. It is a sad place to be in, and I always tell my family & friends that if I ever get like that, give me a whole handful of pain pills with a big glass of water to put me out of my misery. I cannot understand how someone can be so negative, so miserable, so worked up about things that are NEVER going to happen to her. There is definitely some psychiatric pathology behind it, but she would never admit to that---to her, everybody else has problems and she is a perfect specimen of mental health.
At the very least, your mother probably needs medication - and you need to get her out of your home today. Your family is in jeopardy, mentally if not physically.
You shouldn't be paying all her bills - this is what Medicaid and Medicare are for. I applaud you for trying but you're in danger of losing your own sanity if you continue down this road.
Call someone from Medicaid and ask for options. But do it today.
It was not until the last 6 months that we moved her into a memory care facility which is where she belonged in the first place. They will NOT let them have a phone. She was in late stages of congestive heart failure and it was such a RELIEF when she passed. Alzheimers only gets worse and you ca n not deal with all their craziness. Save your health!
If you have constant simmering anger mixed with guilt though, that is a different story. That anger will just hurt you. I've found that it is really hard to forgive an abusive parent if that person is not sorry. You can try to understand them, but I feel like the forgiveness is better spent on yourself. Forgive yourself for not knowing what to do with all those feelings, forgive yourself for the times your inner voice hasn't been kind to you, forgive yourself for taking a while to figure out how to best handle this situation.
I do not think there is a thing wrong with telling your mom it's time to go. She can sell her house and go to assisted living, or hire in-home care givers. You can have a list of contacts for her, or (in other posts) some have suggested geriatric care managers -- maybe there is one in her hometown who could help manage her care. I am going to guess that your mom might be the type of person who views helpfulness and generosity as weakness. I wonder if you withdrew from helping her, if she might have more respect for you. (I don't mean that it's your fault, just that I know a couple of people who do not see any merit in doing good -- they aren't capable so they don't recognize it in others. They only recognize power, money, etc as signals of worth.)
You say that she wants you at her beck and call. I'd consider that people with cognitive decline often realize that things are not right. They may not admit it, but, they may feel scared, confused, anxious, etc. when alone. My LO would tell me that things looked different and that she was very confused about how things worked. She could no longer figure out how to work the tv remote, microwave, etc. She would forget how often she called me.
I would suggest that returning your mom to a home alone without supervision, isn't likely to bring peace, since she's likely to be in more need and even more challenging to manage.
I like JessieBelle's idea. Just make sure it is HER money that pays for the help. And if she refuses? Let it happen. Maybe Golden Boy Brother will step in, because why wouldn't he if you are not involved? That's what she said. Time for her to get the rose-colored glasses off!
It sounds to me like she needs assisted living. If she won't do that, the only other thing would be to hire someone to come in. I have a feeling that you won't be able to make her do anything. We can't drag them out of the house by their ankles. We have to wait until something happens that will call for other arrangements. I know you wish now that you'd done that after the fire. Big hugs, gf. And good luck. Many of us have difficult parents, so know what you're going through. They can create total chaos.