How can I get my MIL (90) to see me as family rather than free help?

Maybe when MIL moved in and you were in your 50s and healthy, having her as a "guest" seemed appropriate. Your profile indicates that you now have health issues of your own, and of course you are ten years older. Time to resign as the "hostess" to a "guest" and take on the role of housemate to a family member. For a while this may seem more trouble than it is worth because it will involve some uncomfortable moments.

Be firm with yourself. Be patient with your MIL. Let her do for herself what she can do for herself. Maybe even let her help you a bit. "While you are up, would you bring me a cup of coffee?"

Prompted by Jeanne's answer, I paused to read your profile, VTS, and I'm glad I did. Here's the nub: she may not want outside help, but you need it.

Look, it's great that she's sunshine and smiles, it's great that she's 90 and active, I'm all in favour of encouraging her to stay as independent and busy as possible - that's wonderful. But the fact remains that she is 90, she is going to need help with things like dressing her hair nicely and all the rest of it, so *somebody* does have to be around to do those things.

Only, not you. Not after the battering you've had over the last - let's say 4-5 years, because before you had treatment you must have been ill.

So, approach the subject of change with her again: put all options on the table, from extra help at home to maybe a move to a nice, nearby centre for her. But this time, it's not about her health and wellbeing, and it's nothing to do with her not being a nice person (I expect she is, I expect she's mostly a poppet) - it's about what YOU need. And that's not for her to say.

Oh, and who is the "us" that she's been living with for ten years, by the way? Is there by any chance a Son of MIL, i.e. your husband, who ought to be getting his handsome self up off the couch and helping you with this difficult conversation?

The suggestions are all excellent. My mother also tries to get me to do things like bring her a glass of water. What works for me is to tell her that I want her to stay as active as possible, so she needs to do whatever she can for herself. It's a nice way to say no without being mean... and it's true.

Just quit stepping in and doing it. Like A&A says, say, "That doesn't work for me." If she wants water and is physically capable of getting it, just wait her out. You've trained her well to ask for you to do things, knowing she'll get what she wants. Now you have to un-train her. It will be harder, because you're changing a 10 year old habit. But be consistent and start small with not doing for her just because it's expected.

I'd probably suggest she try a few knee raises and leg swings while she's at the sink getting the water. So good for the circulation, you know. She won't do it, of course, but then she's happy to just get the water. If she wants me as a caregiver,then maybe she does have dementia. Fresh air and exercise, that's what she needs.

You can always sweetly counter with statements that you have other plans. When she's ready for her shower, say something like, "Gee, I was just about to start cooking dinner. I'll let you know when I can take a break."

As for the water, a comment such as "I'm glad to see you're able to get water for yourself. It's really encouraging to see you doing so much for yourself."

And I agree with Blannie's and A & A's comments. You have to reverse what's become tradition. Giving MIL credit, she may have come to rely on the relationship of her announcements and your responses, so it's time to change that dynamic.

Well, at least she's nice about being passive/aggressive. Isn't that what they call that? The "nice" way of getting you to do things for her for free is another way of using you at her convenience--not even yours. When you say "no" you have to mean it. You don't owe anybody an explanation. You can explain all you want. But, it puts you on the defensive, where you certainly don't need to be. You can refuse one way service that imposes on you. I would direct her to the salon. Let her have her own hairdresser that she chooses. That way she won't neglect herself and blame you. If you act like you keep forgetting, she will continue to rely on you & I think it would lead to other problems. Try being direct. You both have lives of your own. Lots of older folks get a kick out of getting "free stuff". Doesn't even matter what. I gave my Dad a pink razor from the gym one day. I said, "Look what I got for free & am giving to you"! He smiles real big. My son who's 13 chides, "Grandpa doesn't want that! It's pink! Pink is for girls"! "I don't care if it IS pink"! Dad says, "I'll take it"! They learn that certain people will do things for them because of their age. Then, they just expect it. It's nice once in a while. But, if it takes away the elderly person's independence too soon, it causes more dependence on you. Oh yeah, Dad even uses religion and tries to guilt me into doing something. If a person has money they just don't want to spend because they'd rather keep it and then want you to do it 'cause that's what the Lord would want a "good daughter" to do....."and whatever you do to the least of my brothers...blah, blah, ...." NONSENSE! I am a good daughter/person & you are too! Whatever MIL needs, you can certainly "hook her up" with the right person for the job. I'm sure. Just make sure that you point out that YOU are NOT that person. (You can say you don't get it right & like the way someone--anyone else does it better). This could be a turning point for you. I wish you the best of luck! blou

It certainly seems that one has to set up ground rules early. I am working very hard not to be turned into the entertainment committee. My mother complains that I am boring which is good. If she is not interested in anything, that is not my problem. The world is full of interesting things.

Speak up.. " Now's not a good time for me to set your hair".. If you want, I'll make you an appt. @ the hair salon on Wednesday"..

You cannot change a 90 yo. You can only change how and when you deal with her.