How do I get my Mom to listen to my brother whom she lives with?

Heart 2Heart: That's right. Try changing an elder=epic fail!

A lot of elders don't have good listening skills. And why? Because they are formulating what THEY are going to say! This would occur with my now deceased mother. I would say "I'm having salmon for dinner." A minute later she would ask "so what are you having for dinner?!!"

My mother will ONLY ask things of ME... She will not 'inconvenience' anyone else (but, she feels 'comfortable' asking me to do most everything). As for exercise... she feels she doesn't 'need' it and gets 'enough'... hmmmmmmm (you can't change people)

Maybe she drinks and walks for you because she likes you or trusts you. Maybe her not doing these things for your brother is her way of keeping control especially if your brother is more of the "bossy" type. Maybe she likes coddling, and maybe he isn't the coddling type. Evaluate the antecedents, the behaviors, and the consequences (response from you and brother once the behavior has been demonstrated) Just because he is trying to give care doesnt mean she will receive it if it is not given in the way that she wants it or perceives it is being given. Best wishes! ( My mom is the same way. )

Sorry meant mom not husband. My dad woke up so I had to stop typing 3x! The life of a caregiver.

I have to disagree with some of these posts due to how i handled things with my mom. I truly believe, had i been aware, I would have encouraged my mom in earlier years to do more exercising. I believe my mom would have been mobile for a longer period of time. My mom did not like using a walker and would prefer to just hold onto someone's arms. My dad had bad knees SI there was not a lot of walking going on. They did everything together. My childten were little at the beginning so my full attention was not on my mom till later years. We were able to keep her strength up so she could help with transfers but that was about it. I feel that my mom could have had a few more years of mobility if we had "pushed" her earlier in her diagnosis. The Parkinsons did not come into the equation until years after the initial diagnosis of LBD. In my opinion it is what it is, enjoy your husband for as long as you have. Everyday is a new day. Prayers and good thoughts to you 😊.

Kudo's to OLIVIA. Love Grannie's story.

How do YOU get someone to listen to you? If someone is tuning ME out-- I whisper. If they really want to hear you/us they will listen-- whomever the person is. As long as their understanding of what is being communicated is in tact & they can hear alright-- It is called "selective mute-ism". When they don't answer a question. And she could be ignoring your bro OR he doesn't help her DO it like you. Tell bro to help her get up & walk w/ her. blou

I have the same problems and find also that if I ask she begs off, but if I say come on and walk with me to the door, she might. She has a dog she needs to take outside and let her roam around a bit, poor thing. She keeps her cooped up in two rooms and using doggie pads. She is 5 years old! Like someone said, we never DREAM what our future may be like. Faith and courage everyone.

I read a lot of good feedback to your question. Sometimes its the approach that makes the difference but sometimes its something else. I finally got my dad to agree to having a helper assist for a few days. He connected with the helper and really enjoyed her company. Sometimes dad was more open to suggestions from the helper than with the family.

Did your Mom get you to listen? Or did you do as you were told because you knew it was the right thing? Or because you were afraid of the consequences.???
Leave Mom alone. Care for her gently, but don't make her do anything she refuses. Wait a while. She may agree later. There are so few things she gets to choose these days. Let her choose how she spends the last days, weeks and months of her life.

Olivia12 is right, sometimes it's better to let nature take its course naturally....... Give her a treat, something good to eat... That may spark up some energy for her....My cousin suggested Mcdonalds strawberry shakes, but I like homemade shakes better.....

Can mom get out of the house? Maybe take her get a pedicure, and ice cream. Actually get he rout of house.. Make her a real ice cream shake and add fruit.. That is helping my mom, I add whey protein to it as well, blend it with milk and ice cubes so you know she is getting some kind of water....

My mother used to complain that her 102 year old mother (she lived to 104) would not exercise. She wanted to take Granny on a walk around their farm house yard every day and Granny balked. Granny kept her mental capacities until about a month before she died when the dying process had started. Granny had raised a family, worked hard on the farm, cared for her in-laws and her own parents and by gum she was through. She just wanted to sit in her chair, walk to the kitchen for her meals and back to the chair again. She used Bruton Snuff and had used it since she was 20 years old and enjoyed it very much. She couldn't hear well and had lost almost all her vision and undertaking an exercise program was of no interest to her. Leave 'em along. Let them do as they wish I say. I am 76 and don't relish the thought of my kids coming in and saying "get up mother, and get going"...lol. I know, you think they will deteriorate faster if they don't do something, but, come on...they are old. I say if mom wants to walk and is willing fine, if not let her alone.

Elders don't remember things. Short term memory is non existent. You must repeat things over and over.

My though is that in many ways your mom is like my husband although he is only 59 he sleeps a lot sits an stair s and and seems to be in dream ing maybe of the past time with you and your brother good times she is at rest I know she hears you and its good sh3 trys for you shevsnd you are bonded thought life and death hold her had and goveith her on her daydream talk about your feelings of psst joy of laughter if she speaks listen to her if she has a diary read it and hold it close to your heart when she has a thought write it down make the most of your lives together my mom was like my sister I wish she had done whatI said I write poems and stories I hope my girls will always rememererme as dearly

My 92 year old mother in law lives with us. She is amazing, but definitely prefers to sit all day and drink only Dr. Pepper. Even though the other two brothers aren't particularly involved, the times when they engage are quite interesting. My mother in law seems to have settled with 3 different communication/cooperative styles with each brother. There is a brother she actually seems to dislike and it's sometimes embarrassing; one who she actually "whines" to and still supports him financially; and my husband, with whom she uses the most rational/logical adult behavior. She knows how to get what she wants out of each of her sons. Maybe it's the same with your mom. To the person who wrote that you don't have to remind a 92 year old because she is not a child and should "just do it,"...what that would mean is that she never bathes, moves or takes her medicine. We start out in diapers, and we end back up there. We do everything in our power for Mom to keep her dignity, but it calls for a whole lot of gentle reminders and sometimes prodding.

After reading all the answers above, I am glad I plan to put myself in a continuing care facility when that time comes so I can still bond with people of my own age group... develop new best friends [BFF's]... look forward to breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the common dining room... and have activities to look forward to every day. I would have MORE freedom there, than living with a grown child.

Sometimes we need for a second to put ourselves in our elder's shoes... in their minds they are thinking my gosh we are living with our children... who's idea was this?... I don't like the music they listen to... don't like the TV shows they watch... and forget about the movies.

I have to laugh at your subject line because I have a feeling your mother may have asked this about you and your brother when you were a teens. :)

From what you describe, you actually DO the 'feeding' and exercise with her, whereas your brother is asking. At this age, you don't ask, you do.

As for her not wanting to eat or walk, perhaps it's because her body no longer needs the nutrients and/or the exercise. She may have an underlying medical condition and can't convey it. Or your brother may see her in a differently light than you, i.e., he lets her sleep, etc.

Perhaps you need to have a talk with your brother who is caring for her as to what he is seeing in his mother and how he feels about it.

Have you asked her directly? This way you won't have to wonder any more.

I have read some interesting comments. I think the difference between brother and sister is perception. Brother is seen as an authority figure, while sister is the visiting relief from his authority. It sounds silly, but I have noticed a bit of a role reversal when it comes to children taking care of their parents. Just as parents took care of us and told us when to eat and bather and go outside, the caregiving children are essentially doing the same. And just as children will behave for grandma and grandpa or their aunt who visit occasionally, the parent will take on the same role only behaving for the visiting relative because they don't see the visitor as someone who has control. It might be easier to talk to relatives and friends about increasing their visits to help with this. Some of the other ideas are also good but I thought this perspective might help.

Oh, I wouldn't force it. Maybe ur brother is just tired. He has her daily. Its a shame we r living beyond our cogntive and physical abilities. Hopefully we all learn from our parents. Got to stop telling people they can stay in their homes. Its not always possible. We have to plan ahead. Do as much as we can to make it easier for our kids. When our homes get too much, downsize. Clean out. I found 15 yrs of bills at Moms. Things thrown in an extra room she should have just thrown or given away. Not doing this to my kids. Already cleaning out.

Reading all the comments and want to add what I've learned from coordinating care for my two parents the past three years:
1. Your responsibility becomes, NOT making them happy or doing what they want all the time, but KEEPING THEM SAFE
2. You get farther by giving choices, as you would a small child. If you want her to walk....find something she wants or enjoys...a certain treat that is in the kitchen...it then becomes, walk with me to the kitchen and I will fix you......whatever that treat is.... Or, as one suggested...a choice...walk now or in an hour...walk here....or walk there. Wear this or that? Do your exercises and then I'll massage your feet afterwards....if the massage is a big reward.
3. Do things 'because the doctor wants them to do it'....that line works wonders with my parents. They won't do much of anything that, I, their daughter who is a retired RN thinks is a good idea.....I am just the 'dumb kid' still, even at 71....but if I say, the doctor recommended it during the last visit....it will be acceptable.
4. Any big change...like bringing in a care giver, or trying day care program or new exercise or routine....tell them or ask them...to try it for a month to see if it helps and promise that if it's not helpful, they won't have to continue (of course depending on what it is .....). That is still a 'choice' for them....and with my folks and their dementias, I found that by the time a couple weeks went by, they were used to the change and forgot they had not been doing it forever. I was amazed at the first time I tried this, which was about bringing in a caregiver. My dad wanted no help...needed no help....and Mom wanted no other woman in her home doing anything, even though she knew she couldn't deal with Dad. But after a couple weeks, they were both in love with the woman we hired 'for just a month to see if it would help'.
5. I sold my parents on lots of things by telling them that if we came up with the plan and had an outside agency involved, it would keep the control with them, whereas, if someone in the neighborhood complained or had concerns about how they were functioning at home, and might call Adult Protective Services....THEN all control might be taken away....so we needed to agree on OUR plan to assure that THEY would stay in control of staying at home alone. These ideas have worked out pretty well for me....not perfect....and not all the time, but better than never getting something done that should be done!

My Mom is 87. She has had problems for a few years now. I've been doing her bills for almost 3yrs. My nephew her pills. Not driving didn't help because it isolated her. She became dependant on other people. Think about it and add dementia to it. Like someone said, you are dealing with a small child. TG my Mom hasn't rebelled yet.

My daughter has worked in rehab/nh facilities since wa 19 she is 37 now. Her strategy is "make them feel they made the decision". If she says " time for a bath" and the resident says "no". She then says " but don't u think u would feel better with a nice shower and clean clothes?". At this point they usually go a long.

At 93 yrs. I think she has earned the right to not listen to anyone. Leave her be. She is doing what she wants to do and preparing...

Is he offering her a choice? "Ok Mom, would you rather walk around outside, or inside the house?", Would you rather climb steps or do these exercises?", "Do you want to walk the living room today and the basement tomorrow, or the other way around?". Questions like these gives her a choice. Do it for food, television choices, times for activities, ("Do you want to walk in the morning then do your therapy exercises in the afternoon, or the other way around?"}, and so on.

Good conversation, thanks RLKA9103 - I understand the dilemma - and I have also found how an elder can complain about help they just received. I just had that happen, so I'm glad you mentioned it, for it's very easy to make a caregiver doubt what they are doing. Maybe my answer should go to Teepa Snow. What I've found is that elder people do not like the idea that others are planning for their "care". So they can say, I don't want care, and you blew it. But nobody, including the elder, knows how long they will live, could be another 2 years. Do they want to starve or get infections or be itchy, because they had a momentary reaction to recognizing that they might need care sometimes? And sometimes they may not want a focus on care at all - but just company in the changes. So if they feel despondent, we can say, I hope you are here forever, and I guess it must be hard for you sometimes. An old man I helped used to say, "Old Age is Not for Sissies". I sometimes quote that one, as it would be hard to loose abilities and memory - so I agree, examine our motives, and recognize that our goals don't represent the whole picture, and be ready to drop back, but after a rest, try to return, and agree with momentary feelings, while trying as you say, to help them with next task - BTW, I find that being slow enough to let them reach for the glass, or turn and hold onto something as they walk, gives them something to do - so many issues, we are doing our best, and I think that comes through, whether we are always right or wrong.

I also have experienced everything above. I have a speech therapist come in for a consult, she came 2x and was very helpful. The consult was more for me then mom. Good ideas and suggestions. I had someone stay with my parents a few hours in the afternoon and my mom wouldn't walk. I went over to see why and found out the caregiver was saying , do you want to walk? Whereas I would just say, ok time to get up and walk into the kitchen. After my mom could only stand and not really walk, I still did the leg bending and stretching exercises with her as suggested by a physical therapist. After doing the exercises I would give her a foot massage and cream up here legs.

Some very interesting comments and insights here. Castle mentioned Teepa Snow and I had the good fortune to attend one of her lectures a few months ago. She related a personal story about getting a patient to eat when no one else could. She felt very self satisfied until the person communicated that she really didn't want to eat and was ready to let go. I believe we have evaluate each situation and truthfully answer the question - is this what is best for our loved one or is something that makes us feel better about ourselves. Clearly issues of health and wellbeing need to be addressed such as hygiene, nutrition and safety. But if a loved one has reached the stage where life no longer has meaning or purpose to them, then why force them to adhere to our views of their needs against their will? This is very difficult to deal with and sometimes we need to examine our motives when we decide what is best for our loved one.