How do I get mom into assisted living without physically forcing her?

I think you also need to speak to someone about the financial part - reverse mortgage and selling the house. If you do reverse mortgage, I don't think you can sell the house. If you default on the reverse mortgage....I think maybe it's best to see an elder law attorney first. The elder lawyer can also help you in the event the money runs out and you have to do the estimated 5 year look back if you tend to try for medicaid to continue to pay for her stay.

This is tough to say the least. If your mother was willing to move to assisted living you would not have to use the POA unless she is mentally incapacitated. We had to wait things out with our mother until she was incapacitated to use the DPOA, It was a very hard year of running to my mom's house daily and then cooking meals for her, then it got to where I was going 2-3 times a day. Once mom was diagnosed incapacitated, we found a nice place for her. I took her out shopping while other family members moved over her furniture. I told her this was just for 4-6 weeks. We had to it that way because if it was left up to her, she would not go. I have to work. I visit 2-3 times a week, take her to all appts. and we go out for lunch or breakfast. My sis does all the financial and I take care of the medical since I live in the same city as mom. We took mom out shopping for new clothes recently and had lunch afterwards. We haven't sold her house yet but we will and all that money goes toward her care. Good luck to you!!

Can you take her for a drive and visit the Nice facility? They might let you come for a meal, if you want her to move in. Let her look around. Tell the administration what you hope will happen and ask them to use their persuasive powers. She might decide it looks pretty good.

Does she know your sister is leaving? Ask her what she will do then. Remind her how hard the place is to care for, and how icy the roads get in winter. Do you have POA? You will need that to get the RM and sell her land and house.

Good luck! I don't envy you.

I think it is just great that you are asking that question here. So many people have great advice after going through the same challenges.

Something that worked for me... Maybe find others who have moved and have her meet them casually and without pressure. My mom met people who were so happy to have moved that she started thinking it would be fun. She met them in all kinds of places throughout her community like at the library and even her dental assistant. The facility will also help with ideas too.

Take it slowly and keep trying all kinds of things. Talk with everyone in the area and ask what works for them.

Stay open ... you may find another facility or other solutions along they way as well that you and she like even better. This is a special part of life where you both may meet interesting and kind people. I hope you both can find a way to enjoy this task ahead of you.

I thought it was a burden for me at first taking time from my life and work and in retrospect, I now realize it was an interesting puzzle that we got to solve together.

Someone told me to try to change my perspective to a good one. I think you may already have a good perspective. The advice I got was to think of it as an interesting challenge and look for the good that may come from the investigation ... like meeting new people, learning about how you want to live your life going forward and finding clues to a mystery in our lives.

Is it possible to also give her the choice to stay in the home with caregivers coming in to help her, so you don't have to go over 2-3 times per day? As you run out of money and have to turn towards Medicaid, it is now permitted to have them pay for help so the elderly can stay in their home too. Maybe if she had several choices that were acceptable and safe for her, and she could be part of making the choice, it would go better? I was able to keep my Dad at home for 6 months longer than case manager was recommending by finding a private care giver to come in just 6 hours/day, 4 days per week to start, and eventually she came 6 days/week for 5 hours per day. After Dad was placed, she spent 6 months staying with Mom who was recovering from a back fracture. Now, Mom is still home alone, with panic necklace and home alarm system in place, but eventually she will also need to be placed. Both my parents wanted to die in their own home and never leave, but they fight any notion of help. They apparently never considered how the care needs expand the older they get....and neither did I! My eyes are totally opened now though, and in the end, it's all a matter of doing what is safe for them, not always what they WANT if they cannot be coorperative.

My mother was like so many in that she had lived in her house for 45 years. Her mental state was going down hill but not enough that we could force her to move or have in home care (she didn't want "strangers" in her house and said there was nothing for them to do). It got to the point where we had to unplug the stove, do her wash (she'd wear the same thing for a week), hide her car keys, etc. We tentatively lined up an assisted living. When she decided to walk a mile to the store she fell and fractured her wrist. We told her she had to go into the assisted living for a month just to get her in the front door. Once she was there she wasn't happy for the first 3 months. She tried "escaping" several times. We didn't even take her out to lunch the first month because we were afraid we wouldn't be able to get her back in. BUT.....once there we realized how dangerous it had been for her to live alone. Her house had rotten food in the frig, wet depends piled in her bedroom, a leaking pipe in her bathroom, burnt food she had tried to microwave while still in the box, a stack of unpaid bills. She has now adjusted, she doesn't want to live by herself and she has made some friends. It is a difficult situation and I don't envy your position. Good Luck.

My mom has moderate dementia. I am the POA, because her memory and cognitive skills are getting worse. My mom should be in an assisted living facility, but she refuses to leave her home. I had the paperwork all signed for an assisted living facility, and my mom had a tour of the place. My mom said that she likes the facility, but she is really stubborn. She doesn't want to move out of her house. I do what I can to help her with shopping, cooking, laundry, and other stuff. She goes to adult day care 5 days a week, so I give her medications on the week=ends. I spend the nights with her on my days off. It feels like it isn't enough, because she is alone while I am at work. I am not sure what to do.

Pumpkin~I was in the same position you are in now with my mother. Unfortunately I had to wait it out until she became incapacitated. Regarding my post earlier, my mother took out a LTC policy 13 years ago that is paying for her care in memory care. She is getting excellent care, better than I could give her as a 24/7 caregiver. Yes she wants to go home all the time and this will be how it is as long as she remembers she has a house. I just deal with that part of it when I visit her. I am not saying I do not have guilt but it does not get to me like it does with my sister.

Pumpkin, does your mother have any friends or people she keeps in touch with that she truly trusts. We were blessed because mom had 2 older woman...one a volunteer with AARP who did her income taxes....the other a former co-worker. These lovely souls would help to keep me informed on my mothers situation because mom would talk with me or sis about what she was feeling or struggling with. I was over my mom's house daily, 2-3 times a day...once to give her medication at the same time during my lunch breaks, another just to check on her and make sure she was safe, and on my days off work...a 3rd time to bring her home cooked food. My mom refused to have home health come in her home even though the LTC would cover it. She got more confused thinking that if she cancelled the policy she would not have to go into a care facility. We were able to stay one step ahead of her because these two ladies understood and worked with during this period. The volunteer is 93 years old....my mom is 84, such a difference in their cognitive abilities. It is such a shame that Alz/dementia has to happen to anyone.

If the house is in your mother's name and she doesn't want to sell it you will have a problem. I would contact a good elder attorney to get some legal views on this problem. If she declines mentally/physically more than she might be open to have a home health aide in or consider a ALF or NH placement. Living 45 yrs in her home --she feels secure there. I think there are problems with trying to use a reverse mortgage to pay for her ALF fees. The Reverse mortgage people presume you continue to live in the home and do a certain amount of upkeep for the rest of your mother's life. Perhaps investigate using the reverse mortgage (if she is of limited means) to fund her paying for a live in home health aide. This may be a case where the children dig deep to keep the parent where they wish to be. Remember NH and /ALF are using only used for the last 1-3 yrs of the elders life. When we try to extend that period it tends not to work because they don't have enough income or savings to carry themselves for a 5-10 yr period and while all the NH and ALF do a big sales job on the front end (getting the elder in) they don't want the elder if their money runs out and they can't pay the monthly fees. Now the key is if we knew how long we all live but we don't. My father lived to 93 which neither he or I would have predicted.
There is no easy road here. Look at her health, your health, the finances of each of you and your sister, what is possible with the legal and medical advice. We all just do the best we can. Medicaid will kick in once your mother uses up all her assets however, do you want her to be a Medicaid patient? Which facilities will take her on Medicaid for the rest of her life that are decent? These are the questions I asked myself when I was caring for my elderly very disabled father.

Reversroles brings up a good point - use the reverse mortgage money for home care, and she can stay in her home AND have care!!! perfect solution!!