My 89 year old mother has Dementia and insists she can live alone. She wants to die in her own home and is refusing any care other than from my husband and I. My health is not good, my husband and I are burning out. My husband is taking care of her now because I can't after 2 years of doing so. Any suggestions on how to gently let her know she needs to be in a safe environment, that our lives are on hold because we can't leave her completely alone.
Like Jeanne said, you may not be able to give your mom a choice. Is it fair? No. Is life fair? No. You need to make sure your mom is safe and if living by herself isn't safe for her anymore other arrangements need to be made. Your mom may not like it and may fight you tooth and nail but you have to look out for her now. Bringing in a 3rd party is always a good idea or a trusted family friend or relative as well. Understanding and being sympathetic to your mom's desire to stay in her home will go a long way. And if your mom can afford it bring in outside help for her from a local nursing agency (doing your research first). That may have to be the compromise your mom has to make to stay in her home.
Most of us would prefer to stay in our homes until the end. Sadly, many of us cannot have this preference fulfilled. Your own mother stands a much better chance if she allows in-home help. Yes, it would be nice if that help could be only her loving relatives, but it cannot.
Without sufficient in-home help the other option is to move to a care center.
Those are her only options. Maybe it would help if a professional explained these options to Mom. She might listen to a social worker better than she listens to you.
My mother lived in a senior apartment. When she began to decline in her mid 80s we intervened. Two sisters did her grocery shopping, cleaned her apartment, and visited. One brother visited often. When this wasn't enough, another sister took on the administrative duties and called in a social worker for an assessment. Two sisters (her daughters) were present during the assessment. Mom would say, "I can take my own pills OK" and a sister would say, "But Mom, your prescription bottle for 30 days lasted 90 days." Mom said, "I don't need help cleaning. My daughters do that," and a sister would say, "Mom, when we come we want to visit with you and play cards, not do your laundry and clean your toilet." The outcome of the assessment was Mom got a homemaker a few hours a week to change her bedding, do her laundry, and vacuum, etc. A nurse visited weekly to help with her pills and take her blood pressure and communicate with her doctor. She got meals on wheels.
This level of support allowed Mom to stay in her familiar surrounding a good 5 years. But as her cognitive abilities continued to decline it eventually became apparent she needed 24-hour monitoring. We found a suitable assisted living/memory care center for her and have notice on her apartment. One sister had just retired and decided she would try having Mom live with her. That has worked well for a year so far. Several of us provide respite care.
What we did was simply bring in a professional and then more-or-less run roughshod over what Mom thought she wanted.
If your mother is able to understand, giving her the option of trying in-home help first (as explained by a social worker) may work for you. If she is not able to understand her options, perhaps having her doctor involved will be necessary.
Good luck in this very, very challenging aspect of caregiving.