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Dad (92) was in hospital-recovering now Mom has dementia, thinks he's fine. She keeps repeating that she wants him to go out for lunch and dinner all the time (they used to and that's what landed him in the hospital with congestive heart failure) So that's off the list and if he does go out, it's going to be limited. I can't get through to her that he needs an aide in the apt. (which he has) and why, and that he can't do what he used to now. She's starting to get testy and insistent about it, and getting more and more fed up with the aid who is there to help him. All because she doesn't understand why. Any thoughts/ideas of what might work to get her to "get it"? I tell her I can't be there 24/7 because I work etc. I need some ideas. It's getting frustrating and before this takes a turn for the worse maybe there are some ideas that might work to get through to her and stick. Dad's sharp as a tack but doesn't have the strength to keep telling her. Help!

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Therapeutic fibbing, we call it!
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Creative thinking is going to have to be done. I've read that little lies are ok so I'll be taking that route.
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So, how are you going to get her anti anxiety drugs? You might tell her that her insurance company requires that she get a check up.
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That's going to be the question- it hasn't been very long so we'll have to see how this goes. Dad is fine with the aide and it's working well, but mom keeps making comments, not totally getting what's going on- at times she does but then forgets. She's going to be the one to watch and see the impact on the situation- The other thing that doesn't help is she refuses to see any sort of doctor.
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I would get her to a geriatric psychiatrist for evaluation. Are you certain that keeping them at home with an aide is going to work, going forward? It may be time to reevaluate the whole situation.
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Anxiety meds- that's an idea. I guess even with the alzheimers/dementia that could still work. Thanks-
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I think I would start with some anxiety meds for her, so she is more accepting of his limitations. She is not going to remember or process any rational reasons you give her. You just gently repeat NO.
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That's true- it could be a combination of the denial and the dementia working together. Routine too... they had their routine of going out to lunch all the time but now things have changed. I'm not quite sure how to get through to her without arguing with her. Maybe over time she will realize, but then again, he's on oxygen now, too, so you'd think her seeing that on him would make her realize things aren't the same. She even shut off the oxygen machine a couple of times because it was too noisy which was kind of funny - I had to tape a sign over the whole front so she wouldn't shut it again! She's losing patience with the aide who's there too. I was hoping she'd get used to it but it's only been a couple of weeks. I'm hoping over time it just gels...
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uwantcr66, that sounds very much like my own parent's situation. Mom still thinks that Dad can still do everything around the house and still do the yard maintenance. He can't. My gosh, they both are in their mid-90's.

Any time I deliver their groceries, Mom [who is still very sharp] will call for Dad to help bring in the groceries... nice gesture but by the time Dad puts on his shoes, struggles into his jacket, decides which cap to wear, looks for his glasses so he can find his cane, I have finished bringing in the items :)

It was many years of denial on my Mom's part that Dad has numerous age related declines. Dad's been in and out of the hospital for one thing or another, last time it was fall. I think when couples have been together that long, they don't see age in each other.
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