I grew up caring for my mother and never being able to make friends. How do I get into the real world?
When I was 11, my mom slipped at work and she dislocated a disk in her spine that was later operated on and it went bad. She is not disabled, but her body tingles 24/7 (kind of like when your foot falls asleep, except all the time) and therefore she wants with a walker and gets exhausted really fast. For 4 of the last 7 years, she was a smoker. 2 packs a day, pretty much. Wall yellowing, lung shrivelling smoke filled the house for the first 4 years after the accident. When I was 16 she changed to ecigs and now all of her money goes to that and technology. Now I am 18 and I just recently finished my first year of university. The year was basically a kind of bittersweet bliss. I didn't have to care for her and I got to focus on myself for a good while. Now that I am back, though, it's 10x worse. Not her condition, but her attitude towards it. Now, she believes herself to not be able to do anything and I have to do everything for her. I mean, if you can pour your own coffee, put in creamer and splenda and (god forbid coconut oil, it' just makes literally everything slippery. stop it!) then I am sure she could put water in the machine and put grinds in it. But no, it's easier if I do it. She also has this gigantic waterbottle she makes me fill at night so she can drink the next day. Takes a good while to fill up, too. If I forget to do either of these things, I will be awoken at 5am (or a bit after, depending how long it takes her to discover everything) and she will constantly scream (since she can't get up the stairs to my room) for me to come down and make her coffee and fill her water instead of doing it herself. She often says degrading things like "It's been like almost 8 years now you'd think you would've learned how to fill a waterbottle up by now!" or screams at me about how ungrateful, uneducated, and unmotivated I am every time she hears about my emotional problems, and at other times just when I forget to renew the toilet roll. I had a small emotional breakdown yesterday because I could hear her talking on the phone to a distant family member about how I owe 20k in student debts in my first year (which isn't true, I owe just under 10k) and how she has to try and convince me to go to school in the province (I live on the other side of the border from the place my zip code is from) and make me get another job or two because "I don't do anything else anyways.". So I angrily googled the phone numbers of all the places I'd recently applied to and rushed downstairs to use the phone to call them and ask them why they hadn't gotten back to me yet. I got down there and my (28yo) brother was home from work and they both asked if I had taken out the pork chops for supper, which I hadn't.. So I screamed at her on Facebook because she had sent me a message while I was on google asking what was for supper. After me just bawling about how I just wanted to go downstairs and call the people who wanted to employ me but I just get metaphorically kicked every time, she replied "yes. it's alll my fault that you can't get a job. Shut up before you say something you don't mean." so I shut up and now I can't take her seriously anymore.
I feel stuck because in one hand I kind of want to live on the risky side and take out a huge loan to buy a small apartment out of province or at least at the other side of the province and apply everywhere I can so I can start paying off said loans and finally care for myself rather than someone else... But I am constantly being put down and at this point I don't even believe I have the ability, as in I am to uneducated and stupid, to know how to flush the toilet. She has brainwashed me to become her little slave and just like my 28 year old brother who still lives at home, I will be stuck here for the rest of my life with no love or family of my own, I will never be my own person as long as I am here. How do I not feel as guilty about wanting to her have her in my life anymore? Should I just take her advice and get a whole shit-ton of jobs so I am out of the house 24/7 and sleep on park benches between shifts just so I can get enough money to live on my own?
I know that a lot of people apply for grants or loans to finance college, but achieving a measure of self support looks better on your resume and gives you real world experience in the working community. It'll also help restore the self respect that has been hammered away during your caregiving years.
This is what she wants you to believe, do you believe it? You worked hard to get an education, now go and do what every other young person has done, get out and start your life.
1/Search for job opportunities, don't aim too low, but be willing to take whatever you need to get out. You don't need to tell her what or where.
2/Find somewhere to live near that new job you just got for yourself, a tiny rental is a good place to start.
3/Find a therapist (can you find someone through your university as an alum?) to help you understand that you are a worthwhile person, and that as well as being physically ill your mother is a narcissist that will never allow you to put your own needs before hers.
Find your campus mental health services and get some help re your relationship with your mother.
Tacy, I was confused by the zip/province references as well.
I agree completely with what cwillie wrote. You're young and need a chance to build your own life and your own family. Your mother probably resents the rebellion you feel, but I think it is healthy. You are trying to preserve yourself.
I am also sympathetic with your mother. She needs 24/7 care from a professional so that she can be cared without hurting you and your brother. You can still help her in many ways, such as finding care, but you don't need to be consumed by it. What happened to your mother is not your fault. From what I understand, she is still able to use her hands. Right? With a little direction and teaching by a professional, she could start living life again.
Good luck getting your life off the ground.
Yes I used an american zip code.
Also, I live on the very very edge between Maine and New-Brunswick and I am a dual-citizen, so I can live in both countries and work, too. The zip code I used is for the town where I work. I don't live in the states, though.
You have been away and now chafe against the lifestyle you left behind, that is normal even without all the family dysfunction. Keep your eyes on the goal and it hopefully won't get to you so much!
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