How do I get my husband to see our marriage is suffering from his fierce sense of obligation to his Mother?

A friend ended up divorced, even when his wife said she did love him, when he expected them both to work all week and take care of his parent all week-end. I am concerned now about my own relationship while taking care of my parents with sibs. We see each other maybe 1-2 times per week. I am often exhausted after dealing with problem-solving for parents on every day issues. Have added Meals on Wheels, home care aide with lgiht housekeeping, adult day care for dad but still can be emotionally draining between concern for them and Mom's complaints about dad and what we do for them,

Could it be that your husband is doing this not only for his mom but also for his dad? His dad has only been gone seven months. Taking care of his mom is doing something for both his parents and might be a way to hold onto his dad a little longer.

My husband was the oldest of a large family, and the one that his mom depended on a lot. (She went along on our honeymoon, and we had dinner at her place for some months after we came home.) Shortly after that, a daughter moved mom in with her as babysitter, so we got off that hook. But later, in her last illness, she was at our place most of the time, and our kids and I did a lot of the granny-care.
One way to deal with it is for you and the kids to go with him as often as possible and help. Find things they can to do help, or just let them spend time with her keeping her busy. Do they have cousins that they are close to? And that they can talk to about helping Grandma?

Sorry if i got the MILs and ex GFs mixed up.

Also, take a step back and think: in similar situations have you been number 2 in hubbys list of importance. I don't think these situations arise out of the blue, there has been some indication in the past where it was either you or his mom, he has chosen his mom.

OP = original post?

Bringing up the past is just confusing. Way, way, way in the past.

GSA, thanks - so it has nothing to do with the OP?

Sendme2help was the one with MIL and ex-GFs.

"Host of ex girlfriends present?" I must have missed that remark.

Being the nasty supicious old woman that I am the thing that jumps out at me is the constant presence at MIL's house is the host of his ex girlfriends always present. I am not suggesting there is anything going on but I think you need to be there as much as possible to make sure nothing developes. so you and the kids need to get over there sas much as possible "helping" MIL. there must be lots of sorting and packing needed for her move. So become the "lovely helping DIL" it is only for a few weeks and once she is settled in her new place set the boundaries. She may feel entitled to have family help her out whether she can afford it or not. I personally get anxious with strange workpeople in my home. Draw a line under the antibiotic IVs it is over and done with and perfectly reasonable for a family member to be trained to do. Obviously a nurse has to set up the original IV and change it every few days but actually adding the tiny bag of medication is easy to do.
Loosing a spouse is only next to loosing a child in the grief it causes and 7 months is lot long enough to grieve.
Now MIL may have always been a nasty manipulative old lady and it amuses her narsisistic mind to cause trouble for you in your marriage. That is your call. But get yourself in there and keep an eye on what is going on.

So here's another idea: She is moving to a senior village in six months that she is really looking forward to. Do they have any daytime activities that she could participate in now? Even once a week to help her "settle in" with the new facility early might be a real boost to her. And to all of you.

We never really marry just the man - he comes with a family. Mothers and sons have a special bond, as do fathers and daughters. Have you discussed your feelings with your husband, and try to come to a compromise as to how much and how often he can help his mother? The other brothers will do nothing as long as your husband is doing it all. Give him permission to back off some of his sonly duties so he can concentrate on his own family. Then wait and see what happens. You know what you expect out of a marriage, and you have to decide what you will accept. Marriage is always a give and take relationship. I hope you can resolve yours...best wishes!

Neglected wife, you do not sound terrible. Please note that in 25 hours since posting you have completely "got it" and have a good compromise for yourself.
You would have not bothered to ask your question if you didn't want a relationship with your husband. Proceed with happiness. You will figure it out!

2nd move in 6 mos.?

I am probably different, after an afternoon of dealing with my parents driving them to doctor appointments, the place I want to return to is my own home, not meeting sig other for a movie. Just too emotionally exhausted :(

Thank you everyone. I can see if I kept going in the direction I was; it was forcing him to make a choice " her or me" and I don't want to be that person, nor was that what I wanted. All your feedback has helped me see how hard this is for him, how hard it still is for her, and I'm putting back on my " big girl panties" and will approach this more as a team; rather than becoming a wedge. I do still think he's got to take a step back now and then before he commits ( example: becoming an IV nurse) and consider the impact his helping her may have on his other responsibilities, and to start drawing on his brothers help and have her pay for things too.
Thanks everyone !!!! 😄

Imo, wives can rarely "get husband to see". I learned some tactics in counseling long ago. Change things up, a babysitter is less expensive than a caregiver, so hire one on the homefront. Go shopping, this time for yourself. When husband expects you on his return, you are not there, or you are late! You come back happy! Next time, (after the babysitter has called you that he is home), you call him and invite him to meet you, for a snack, drink, movie? (the babysitter is pre-paid). When he meets you, you are really dressed up, and happy! He starts to
1) notice your absence 2) notice how nice you look, 3) wondering, he becomes glad you still want to have fun with him. He sees on his own.
Except for the extreme circumstances, you are not experiencing anything that most marriages don't go through. It is a lot of work.
When you do get his attention, be sure you will want what you asked for.

Pam Stegman offered some sage advice sometime ago on another post. She cautioned against asking or putting a husband in the situation of choosing between his mother and his wife, suggesting that a man will choose his mother.

Windy also advised against making your choice a "me or her" - something like an ultimatum. You'll lose.

He also wrote: "It's an all of us choice: you, Mom, kids the whole family."

I'm sure it's difficult, but if you could find some way to do this - make it a family affair, you'll be able to spend more time with your husband and he with the children as well as his mother.

Readjust your thinking from feeling neglected to seeing this as an opportunity to spend more time with him in an activity that he clearly needs and wants to do.

Sometimes it's better to find a way to make a less than desirable situation work in a compromising way. This could actually be a more positive experience for all of you, and as others wrote, in a few weeks she'll be in a facility.

You WINDYRIDGE are an exception in the clueless Male department! But you have been at this awhile and clearly have been able to work through the many angles of difficult care giving with your loving wife and your marriage intact! Good for you both, much admiration!

cmomthree, your last message changed my thinking. I agree with countrymouse that you could be looking at a narcissist. If so, all measures of self-preservation are acceptable! Try to get hubby to see the good alternatives. A narcissist can such a person's life dry for as long as they'll let them. If you think you're dealing with a narcissist, you may want to read up on the disorder.

"PRAIS WITH A TROWEL TO GET THAT WARM FLUFFY FEELING AT HOME"CM, I like that answer! But why do men require so much accolades anyhow? When we Women just dredge on, it pisses me off! GRRRR! Cmomthree, hang in there, it's early days yet, and he hasn't met his ahhHaa moment yet. We will have more tricks up our sleeves yet!

I wonder if you might have missed a trick with those IV drugs. If she needed that kind of pretty intensive therapy for a whole fortnight, I'd have been tempted to push the "it would be irresponsible to agree to this" angle - he's not a nurse, he doesn't know what possible clinical problems to be looking out for, he can't tell if there's something that needs to be reported to her doctor. Always better if you can express disapproval of his intervention on the grounds of protecting her safety! (I know, I'm a big fat hypocrite).

Too cheap to pay for help or too hungry for the attention these little crises win her? Do we have a narcissist alert going off here, Cmomthree? If so, you may want to think about a more active approach than prayer to help you with boundaries.

I agree with Windy, with Mom-in-law moving into a senior village is a great positive :)
She will develop new friendships, eventually start going things with the gals, and your hubby will be spending less and less time there. In fact, if the senior village has a doctor/nurse office, they could do the IV for Mom.

No more worry about shoveling snow :)

He is, that's why this is so hard. I have been trying so hard to be supportive and let him do what he feels obliged to do: I think the straw that broke the camels back was the iv drug infusions that are twice a day for 14 days; and now her second move in 6 months that she's too cheap to pay for and expects everyone else to do for her.
I will bide my time and pray that this move makes her happier and less dependent on my husband.

Cmomthree, maybe it's not so bad. Your MIL lost her husband 7 months ago and is probably feeling a bit lost. She is going to a senior living center soon, so there shouldn't be so much for your DH to have to do. Hang in there. You have a good man. I would say get in his corner to get these things done while your MIL is moving. The first year after a spouse's death is the hardest and she is probably leaning a bit heavily on her attentive son right now. Maybe you or one or more of the kids can go with him when he does thing for his mother, so it becomes a family thing. What I see now is two separate houses that he is being pulled between. As a caregiver myself, I feel sympathy with him. If you love the man, get behind him and work it out together. I love it when I see married people who have each other's backs, instead of only their own personal interests. How old are your children? Be sure they have their Dad-time, too. (Poor hubby. I know he's tired.)

Been to counseling in the past; time to return. He would probably say : he sees a wounded abandoned little girl who was left by her father as a child and needs to be constantly put first by the man in her life otherwise she feels like she doesn't matter to him. Some truth there; but it's more that I feel abandoned by my husband a lot of the time, and am doing the house/parenting thing on my own A LOT.
Need some deeper help than what was first presented by me. My goodness , am I glad this is anonymous !!.

Cmom, as you point out, this is an issue that keeps coin up in your marriage. I wonder if either or both of you has ever had the benefit of psychotherapy either solo or together? You can see that he loves the "you're a great guy" feedback; what is it he would tell YOU that he sees in you when you want hi home more often? Does he experience it as clinging and demanding, or loving to have hi around? This seems to be a long term issue in your relationship and probably one worth clearing up.

It appears that you recognize that your real problem is with your husband, not your MIL. Yep, that's definitely the truth.

Ask him to limit his time to two days/evenings a week. And rather than be at his mom's beck and call, he will plan his time with her. Her heart is broken. His is conflicted with guilt. He's the ham in the sandwich right now between you and mom.

Keep in mind that the compassion he shows with her is the same he has for you. And that's a good thing.

Just re read one of your posts. Mom is going to a senior living center in a few weeks. It seems like this would help to alleviate the situation wouldn't it?