How do I get my husband to see our marriage is suffering from his fierce sense of obligation to his Mother?

Imo, wives can rarely "get husband to see". I learned some tactics in counseling long ago. Change things up, a babysitter is less expensive than a caregiver, so hire one on the homefront. Go shopping, this time for yourself. When husband expects you on his return, you are not there, or you are late! You come back happy! Next time, (after the babysitter has called you that he is home), you call him and invite him to meet you, for a snack, drink, movie? (the babysitter is pre-paid). When he meets you, you are really dressed up, and happy! He starts to
1) notice your absence 2) notice how nice you look, 3) wondering, he becomes glad you still want to have fun with him. He sees on his own.
Except for the extreme circumstances, you are not experiencing anything that most marriages don't go through. It is a lot of work.
When you do get his attention, be sure you will want what you asked for.

Thank you everyone. I can see if I kept going in the direction I was; it was forcing him to make a choice " her or me" and I don't want to be that person, nor was that what I wanted. All your feedback has helped me see how hard this is for him, how hard it still is for her, and I'm putting back on my " big girl panties" and will approach this more as a team; rather than becoming a wedge. I do still think he's got to take a step back now and then before he commits ( example: becoming an IV nurse) and consider the impact his helping her may have on his other responsibilities, and to start drawing on his brothers help and have her pay for things too.
Thanks everyone !!!! 😄

I am probably different, after an afternoon of dealing with my parents driving them to doctor appointments, the place I want to return to is my own home, not meeting sig other for a movie. Just too emotionally exhausted :(

2nd move in 6 mos.?

Neglected wife, you do not sound terrible. Please note that in 25 hours since posting you have completely "got it" and have a good compromise for yourself.
You would have not bothered to ask your question if you didn't want a relationship with your husband. Proceed with happiness. You will figure it out!

We never really marry just the man - he comes with a family. Mothers and sons have a special bond, as do fathers and daughters. Have you discussed your feelings with your husband, and try to come to a compromise as to how much and how often he can help his mother? The other brothers will do nothing as long as your husband is doing it all. Give him permission to back off some of his sonly duties so he can concentrate on his own family. Then wait and see what happens. You know what you expect out of a marriage, and you have to decide what you will accept. Marriage is always a give and take relationship. I hope you can resolve yours...best wishes!

So here's another idea: She is moving to a senior village in six months that she is really looking forward to. Do they have any daytime activities that she could participate in now? Even once a week to help her "settle in" with the new facility early might be a real boost to her. And to all of you.

Being the nasty supicious old woman that I am the thing that jumps out at me is the constant presence at MIL's house is the host of his ex girlfriends always present. I am not suggesting there is anything going on but I think you need to be there as much as possible to make sure nothing developes. so you and the kids need to get over there sas much as possible "helping" MIL. there must be lots of sorting and packing needed for her move. So become the "lovely helping DIL" it is only for a few weeks and once she is settled in her new place set the boundaries. She may feel entitled to have family help her out whether she can afford it or not. I personally get anxious with strange workpeople in my home. Draw a line under the antibiotic IVs it is over and done with and perfectly reasonable for a family member to be trained to do. Obviously a nurse has to set up the original IV and change it every few days but actually adding the tiny bag of medication is easy to do.
Loosing a spouse is only next to loosing a child in the grief it causes and 7 months is lot long enough to grieve.
Now MIL may have always been a nasty manipulative old lady and it amuses her narsisistic mind to cause trouble for you in your marriage. That is your call. But get yourself in there and keep an eye on what is going on.

"Host of ex girlfriends present?" I must have missed that remark.

Sendme2help was the one with MIL and ex-GFs.

GSA, thanks - so it has nothing to do with the OP?

Bringing up the past is just confusing. Way, way, way in the past.

OP = original post?

Also, take a step back and think: in similar situations have you been number 2 in hubbys list of importance. I don't think these situations arise out of the blue, there has been some indication in the past where it was either you or his mom, he has chosen his mom.

Sorry if i got the MILs and ex GFs mixed up.

My husband was the oldest of a large family, and the one that his mom depended on a lot. (She went along on our honeymoon, and we had dinner at her place for some months after we came home.) Shortly after that, a daughter moved mom in with her as babysitter, so we got off that hook. But later, in her last illness, she was at our place most of the time, and our kids and I did a lot of the granny-care.
One way to deal with it is for you and the kids to go with him as often as possible and help. Find things they can to do help, or just let them spend time with her keeping her busy. Do they have cousins that they are close to? And that they can talk to about helping Grandma?

Could it be that your husband is doing this not only for his mom but also for his dad? His dad has only been gone seven months. Taking care of his mom is doing something for both his parents and might be a way to hold onto his dad a little longer.

A friend ended up divorced, even when his wife said she did love him, when he expected them both to work all week and take care of his parent all week-end. I am concerned now about my own relationship while taking care of my parents with sibs. We see each other maybe 1-2 times per week. I am often exhausted after dealing with problem-solving for parents on every day issues. Have added Meals on Wheels, home care aide with lgiht housekeeping, adult day care for dad but still can be emotionally draining between concern for them and Mom's complaints about dad and what we do for them,