My granmom refuses to use the bathroom or use a diaper. How to get her to wear a diaper?

If it were me, I would check her in to a nursing home ASAP. It definitely sounds like dementia or Alzheimer's. You cannot possibly take care of her,.any longer. The most loving thing you can do for her, and yourself, is check her into NH. Best wishes on this transition. Don't try to be a super hero. Just because you get her into NH does not mean, you love her less. You love her more, if you get her appropriate care.

ana345raghavan, what are your Grandmother's medical issues? Does she have memory problems, or is she just being stubborn?

My parents are in their 90's, and my Dad wouldn't wear Depends... finally my Mom got tired of cleaning up his messes so now she is making him clean up his own mishaps... guess what?.... Dad now is wearing Depends.

But if your Grandmother has memory issues and cannot understand why one needs to use a toilet and hates wearing a Depends, it is time for a higher level of care in a nursing home.

I don't know that it's possible to force her. My grandmother, when forced to wear a diaper and it was really secured on her would sometimes go to the back yard, reach in, and pull the stuffing out by the handfuls and throw it over the fence. Or, at night, would do the same but throw it onto the wall-to-wall carpeting that was under her bed.

When you say that she relives herself in her room, do you mean in a commode, or do you mean she just goes on the bed or in the corner or something like that? If it’s in a commode, I don’t know if you’re going to do any better than that.

But if you mean somewhere undesirable, like the bed or floor, I have several of those mattress pads that wick moisture away but protect the mattress. If Mom has an accident, I change it along with the sheets. Of course, that means laundry and doesn't solve the problem of the wet behind. Getting someone with a wet behind to change their clothes and wash their behind isn’t that easy, either, so it doesn’t solve the entire problem.

I purchased incontinence pads that you can put on furniture, but the washable ones, not the disposables that they sell at the drug stores. When Mom is especially having problems, I put those on top of the mattress pad because they’re easier to take off and wash than the entire mattress pad.

If it’s the floor, I’m trying to think how you could put these pads around so that she’s using them instead of right on the floor, but not sure if there’s a way to secure them.

I don't know goe123, it sounds like training a puppy LOL. I think it is a basic instinct ingrained in us all since we were potty trained to use a toilet, so much so that often elders in nursing homes cry when they reach the point of needing diapers permanently. If grandmom is soiling her room purposely then she has definitely gone off the rails cognitively. Discuss it with her doctors, perhaps there are meds that will help her. If not then I agree that it is time to seek out a higher level of care.

Sorry, but you put the diaper on and you put her in a onesie pajama that can only be opened from the back. If she screams and yells, you medicate her with an Rx from an MD.

Does she have a bedside commode in the bedroom? I agree it is time for more care than she can get at home.

cwillie, I hate to admit that I was thinking about puppy training after I wrote my post. Others have some good ideas, though, and I will add that my mother hates when she's ill and can't use the toilet - it really is ingrained in her that that's one of the few rights she can still try to hang onto, I think.

Please, do not refer to the disposable underwear as a "DIAPER". That is demeaning to anyone over the physical age of 2. You should refer to them however she has all her life. Either briefs or panties or underwear, or whatever the terminology is that she has always used. Believe me, you would not react well if someone told you to wear diapers.

You don't say in your profile, but is sounds as though your grandmother is suffering from dementia. You can't reason with dementia and you really can't train them either. If you are rude to her, and it might escalate from there, then perhaps it is time for you to make the decision not to be her caregiver anymore. Either let someone else be responsible, or place her in a home where they have equipment and trained personnel to deal with situations as you have described. This could go on for many, many years, and will not improve. People do not get well from dementia.

Do as much reading as you can find and ask as many questions as you come up with. We are all learning as we go along this pathway with our loved ones.

I apologize for continuing that term's usage in this discussion. You are totally correct that we should not refer to it in that manner.

Here at home, I would never use that term, and Mom and I call them "pads" as she uses the Tena pads.

Sorry, that's my rant for today. Thank you for being nice, geo123. You could've just told me to go jump in the lake. I just hate to hear that term used with adults.

I agree that maybe she needs to be in a nursing home. Not all homes are a bad thing. My mom is in assisted living and she actually loves it there.

txcamper, I'm fine. I was going along with the lingo of the discussion just to be a little lazy about it, but we do have to be careful how we present things.

If it's hot by you, you can still jump in the lake, but it's still too cold, here. I had a glass of wine to chill-out, though. :-)

Thankyou so much for all your suggestions and understanding !!
This has helped to take the pressure of and helped me think...I realized I needed to divert her attention to other things after she wears one...and she has always liked playing board games and simple puzzles..so I got her a few...and she now is busy playing them !!
@txcamper- I agree and understand your concern abt the usage of the term diaper,I probably should not hv used it in a public forum...But I also should hv mentioned earlier that I am from India, here it just is a technical term.
And most definitely not meant to be demeaning to my Grandmother or anyone else.

That's good that you have found a solution to your problem. That's all anyone can hope for. I wish my loved ones would work puzzles. I shouldn't have come down so hard on usage of the word diaper. It is drilled into us in healthcare training to help the patient maintain their dignity as much as we possibly can, and not using the word diaper is one of the easiest ways to achieve that. I do also need to remember that we have members on this forum from all over the world, it is amazing to me that we all are so similar after all.

OL Give a Hug. One of my nurses hated the diaper term too. Mom has always been incontinent and wore a pad. When she was in rehab, they put pull ups on her. She really liked them so we stayed with them. They look like regular underwear. Grandmom may like them.

Where r your grandmothers children? I think an evaluation is needed. I agree that this should not be ur responsibility.

First of all, how sweet and kind of you to be so concerned about your grandmother and your feelings for her. I hope your care taking and good heart is appreciated. Secondly, I don't know if there is a way to force her compliance if she is really determined not to wear them. We dealt with an elder who refused to wear them under any circumstances (she had severe uncontrollable Chrones disease and it was a cleaning nightmare, washing all her towels, underwear, several changes of clothes and bedclothes and trying to get the stains and spots off the furniture and carpets everyday). We tried reasoning, begging, crying, removing all her other undergarments, providing her with every possible brand choice on the market, and ultimately the threat of a nursing home if she continued. She simply removed them and would go buck naked from the waist down. She did not care what we were going through or that her environment was compromised with bacteria (she was formerly OCD about germs and cleanliness). Eventually she wound up going to the nursing home and the staff couldn't get her to comply; even had an alarm on her bed, she found a way around it. I don't know what it was about those things, but I have since told my children they can wrap me in tinfoil if that's what it takes and I will be compliant. Just don't want to put my kids through the same hell we went through. Hope I remember!

Off my rant about the undergarments now. :) you also said she doesn't go to the bathroom either. Has she been checked for possible bowel obstruction or some other problem that is making her fearful of toileting?

Agree with not using the term DIAPER. They lose their dignity. Also, perhaps you have to try a few out to see if they fit well. My dad is 89. We tried about four different brands before going with Depends XL. Some were too short and don't reach to the waist, some felt baggy, etc. Also, people of that generation tend not to say what they want. You're supposed to be clairvoyant. My mom was especially difficult that way, but I tried to roll with it because she was so sick at the end. Ana, do check out nursing homes, though. It will keep her safe and cared for with professionals.

In the mean time, buy some of the protective underwear and tell her they are a new kind of panty. Some of them a re quite "pretty". Be matter-of-fact about it and don't make a big deal and she may be willing to try it. Good luck!

Yes. Pull-ups today look and feel a lot like underwear. I never told my sweet wife she was wearing something because she lost control. Have to say that I find it difficult to put adult diapers on a full grown woman with dementia! Prefer a pull-up at the toilet/commode.

Bless the caregivers! At the hospital, they referred to the item which has tabs at the sides as a diaper - because that's what it is - while the Depends are pull-ups. And yes, they are quite good now.

OMG!! What a nightmare! If I were you I would try not cleaning up her mess if its in her room to see how she reacts to that!! Don't worry about being rude...that is the least of your problems...do what you have to do! Eventually these seniors give in...because they can't do what they want! ugh

My mom is cool with the term "disposable underwear."

If you had a dog that relieved himself in the house, you wouldn't expect him to live in it. She has dementia, for crying out loud. You need professional assistance to encourage her to do the right thing.

dana55422 no where in that post does it say her grandmother has dementia. some seniors are just very demanding and rude to caregivers...doesn't mean they should give in to all the abuse!

Lifeexperiences, it's pretty obvious she has dementia. I consider "punishing" older people to be abuse.

My mom is losing her urine at night. She gets up to go to the bathroom, but doesn't get there in time. She changes bottoms, leaving the wet ones anywhere. I bought some of the pull up Depends, but she refuses to wear them. I tried different "arguments", like it would help me not have as much laundry, etc. Nothing. She is bullheaded and thinks she is just fine. Any ideas? (Mom is 81 and has vascular dementia.)

I wish I had something more helpful to suggest, but how about a bedside commode? It sounds like she loses it on her way to the bathroom. You can put it there at night and take it away in the morning if she has a problem with it.

Thank you Christine73. That might work. ;)

Oh...gooooood idea Christine73!!