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I help care for my grandmother...she is very difficult to handle..she never tells what she needs..even when I was younger...always difficult to express her needs..no matter how patient u r with her. She goes in the room & expects us to clean. It's all the more difficult now that she needs care...to constantly guess her needs and to make things easier for her..my biggest issue is she refuses to go to the bathroom tho she can walk to it...so we tried making her wear a diaper which she removes...and she relives herself in her room..and expects us to clean it..we tried bedpans..an diaper like I said...this upsets me sometimes and I'm rude to her :( and I hate being tht way...I coming to not like the person I who I'm am around her...she is my grandmother and I love her...I really need help.. But this is really getting to me...I want to do what is right for her and for me !! HELP !!!

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Ismiami...your answer was pretty much like my first response! I wouldn't stand for it either. thanks for your honesty here!
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My daughter went through a phase when she was little where she refused to poop. She had a poop that hurt once, and she was not doing that again.

Enter the smoothies with flax seed oil in them. The juice with benefiber in it. Fiber gummies. Anything we could get into her to blast it out. Turnip greens. Lots and lots of water. With patience, time, and occasional use of glycerin suppositories and Peri-Colace, we won and she got back onto a regular schedule. It was tough going there for a while.

Senior citizens can become constipated if they are dehydrated and their diet doesn't have enough fiber in it. This every bit as much fun to fix as it is with a 3 year old. If this is the case, talk to the doctor about what kind of stool softener to use and for how long. Don't want her to become dependent on those either.
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She has lost control of her life, her body does not function like it used to, but she still has control of her BM and by golly she is going to exert that control.
Personally, that sort of manipulation....forgivable though it may be , would push me to have her in a NH, where frankly they will diaper her up and sedate her if they have to.....they will not put up with the purposely unhousebroken.
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Well said!! I know for me...taking care of my parents...it's been a real journey to find answers as to what would work best for each of the changes that they have been going thru! Not easy! We all do our best! Thank god for this site, it really helps me...even if it's just to complain!
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My mother had the hardest time with urine incontinence. 15-18 years ago it was little leaks and she refused to admit it. She smelled so bad. She was visiting me and I finally got her to use tena pads for the first time.

Eventually she had a really bad accident out in public and went 180 degrees in the other direction. She could not have on enough pads and briefs. She had on 5-6 layers of pads and briefs AND a girdle over that. She was now waddling like a toddler and had rashes because her skin could not breathe.

Another year has passed and she is no longer ambulatory and both urine and bowel incontinent. Her range of motion in her arms is pretty low. She has no choice whatsoever and probably couldn't get the undergarment off by herself anyway.

I have read on this site that some have had success putting real panties over the disposables, so it feels more secure on the body and "looks" like normal panties.

Some have put the diaper-style undergarment on backwards, with the tapes in the back and a pair of cloth underpants over that.

I've read of situations where the lady was willing to wear her normal panties as the first layer, then the disposable over that, and then another pair of normal panties.

Others have had to start using strip-proof clothes to keep the undergarment on the person. These are clothes that fasten in the back.

It's all a big experiment to find out what is going to work today and hope it still works tomorrow.
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Oh...gooooood idea Christine73!!
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Thank you Christine73. That might work. ;)
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I wish I had something more helpful to suggest, but how about a bedside commode? It sounds like she loses it on her way to the bathroom. You can put it there at night and take it away in the morning if she has a problem with it.
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My mom is losing her urine at night. She gets up to go to the bathroom, but doesn't get there in time. She changes bottoms, leaving the wet ones anywhere. I bought some of the pull up Depends, but she refuses to wear them. I tried different "arguments", like it would help me not have as much laundry, etc. Nothing. She is bullheaded and thinks she is just fine. Any ideas? (Mom is 81 and has vascular dementia.)
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Lifeexperiences, it's pretty obvious she has dementia. I consider "punishing" older people to be abuse.
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dana55422 no where in that post does it say her grandmother has dementia. some seniors are just very demanding and rude to caregivers...doesn't mean they should give in to all the abuse!
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If you had a dog that relieved himself in the house, you wouldn't expect him to live in it. She has dementia, for crying out loud. You need professional assistance to encourage her to do the right thing.
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My mom is cool with the term "disposable underwear."
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OMG!! What a nightmare! If I were you I would try not cleaning up her mess if its in her room to see how she reacts to that!! Don't worry about being rude...that is the least of your problems...do what you have to do! Eventually these seniors give in...because they can't do what they want! ugh
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Bless the caregivers! At the hospital, they referred to the item which has tabs at the sides as a diaper - because that's what it is - while the Depends are pull-ups. And yes, they are quite good now.
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Yes. Pull-ups today look and feel a lot like underwear. I never told my sweet wife she was wearing something because she lost control. Have to say that I find it difficult to put adult diapers on a full grown woman with dementia! Prefer a pull-up at the toilet/commode.
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In the mean time, buy some of the protective underwear and tell her they are a new kind of panty. Some of them a re quite "pretty". Be matter-of-fact about it and don't make a big deal and she may be willing to try it. Good luck!
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Agree with not using the term DIAPER. They lose their dignity. Also, perhaps you have to try a few out to see if they fit well. My dad is 89. We tried about four different brands before going with Depends XL. Some were too short and don't reach to the waist, some felt baggy, etc. Also, people of that generation tend not to say what they want. You're supposed to be clairvoyant. My mom was especially difficult that way, but I tried to roll with it because she was so sick at the end. Ana, do check out nursing homes, though. It will keep her safe and cared for with professionals.
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Off my rant about the undergarments now. :) you also said she doesn't go to the bathroom either. Has she been checked for possible bowel obstruction or some other problem that is making her fearful of toileting?
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First of all, how sweet and kind of you to be so concerned about your grandmother and your feelings for her. I hope your care taking and good heart is appreciated. Secondly, I don't know if there is a way to force her compliance if she is really determined not to wear them. We dealt with an elder who refused to wear them under any circumstances (she had severe uncontrollable Chrones disease and it was a cleaning nightmare, washing all her towels, underwear, several changes of clothes and bedclothes and trying to get the stains and spots off the furniture and carpets everyday). We tried reasoning, begging, crying, removing all her other undergarments, providing her with every possible brand choice on the market, and ultimately the threat of a nursing home if she continued. She simply removed them and would go buck naked from the waist down. She did not care what we were going through or that her environment was compromised with bacteria (she was formerly OCD about germs and cleanliness). Eventually she wound up going to the nursing home and the staff couldn't get her to comply; even had an alarm on her bed, she found a way around it. I don't know what it was about those things, but I have since told my children they can wrap me in tinfoil if that's what it takes and I will be compliant. Just don't want to put my kids through the same hell we went through. Hope I remember!
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OL Give a Hug. One of my nurses hated the diaper term too. Mom has always been incontinent and wore a pad. When she was in rehab, they put pull ups on her. She really liked them so we stayed with them. They look like regular underwear. Grandmom may like them.

Where r your grandmothers children? I think an evaluation is needed. I agree that this should not be ur responsibility.
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That's good that you have found a solution to your problem. That's all anyone can hope for. I wish my loved ones would work puzzles. I shouldn't have come down so hard on usage of the word diaper. It is drilled into us in healthcare training to help the patient maintain their dignity as much as we possibly can, and not using the word diaper is one of the easiest ways to achieve that. I do also need to remember that we have members on this forum from all over the world, it is amazing to me that we all are so similar after all.
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Thankyou so much for all your suggestions and understanding !!
This has helped to take the pressure of and helped me think...I realized I needed to divert her attention to other things after she wears one...and she has always liked playing board games and simple puzzles..so I got her a few...and she now is busy playing them !!
@txcamper- I agree and understand your concern abt the usage of the term diaper,I probably should not hv used it in a public forum...But I also should hv mentioned earlier that I am from India, here it just is a technical term.
And most definitely not meant to be demeaning to my Grandmother or anyone else.
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txcamper, I'm fine. I was going along with the lingo of the discussion just to be a little lazy about it, but we do have to be careful how we present things.

If it's hot by you, you can still jump in the lake, but it's still too cold, here. I had a glass of wine to chill-out, though. :-)
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I agree that maybe she needs to be in a nursing home. Not all homes are a bad thing. My mom is in assisted living and she actually loves it there.
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Sorry, that's my rant for today. Thank you for being nice, geo123. You could've just told me to go jump in the lake. I just hate to hear that term used with adults.
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I apologize for continuing that term's usage in this discussion. You are totally correct that we should not refer to it in that manner.

Here at home, I would never use that term, and Mom and I call them "pads" as she uses the Tena pads.
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Please, do not refer to the disposable underwear as a "DIAPER". That is demeaning to anyone over the physical age of 2. You should refer to them however she has all her life. Either briefs or panties or underwear, or whatever the terminology is that she has always used. Believe me, you would not react well if someone told you to wear diapers.

You don't say in your profile, but is sounds as though your grandmother is suffering from dementia. You can't reason with dementia and you really can't train them either. If you are rude to her, and it might escalate from there, then perhaps it is time for you to make the decision not to be her caregiver anymore. Either let someone else be responsible, or place her in a home where they have equipment and trained personnel to deal with situations as you have described. This could go on for many, many years, and will not improve. People do not get well from dementia.

Do as much reading as you can find and ask as many questions as you come up with. We are all learning as we go along this pathway with our loved ones.
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cwillie, I hate to admit that I was thinking about puppy training after I wrote my post. Others have some good ideas, though, and I will add that my mother hates when she's ill and can't use the toilet - it really is ingrained in her that that's one of the few rights she can still try to hang onto, I think.
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Does she have a bedside commode in the bedroom? I agree it is time for more care than she can get at home.
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